Impossible.

It's impossible I tell you to stay friends with exes. I dont know how you do it. So much stupid F-ing drama. Ex has been calling me non stop. I want to slit my fucking wrists over how frustrating it is talking to him. I THOUGHT we had all worked out the last argument to tide it over till New Years. Guess I shoulda known better. He sends me a text today saying to give him a call if I have time because he wants to apologize over yesterday. And like....he's said sorry to me SO MANY times that really I could care less whether or not he says it. So. I get off work, dont really want to talk to him so i just send him a text saying I'm home now. It is a bit after 10pm. He calls me, and I can hear partying in the BG. He's probably drinking, okay whatever. He asks if he can call me later, and I ask him if we can talk in the morning. He says yes and hangs up. I really really REALLY dont like talking to him when he's drunk because we always get into arguments because everything is just in one ear out the other. Another reason I don't want to get back together with him is because I've realized how much of a language barrier we had thus causing misunderstandings. Anyways. maybe he wasn't drunk and I was being a jerk, but 90% of the time when he calls me at this time of night he has been drinking. So i have reason to be defensive. Anyways 30 mintues roll around he calls me again. "I'm not drunk, I just want to talk to you and apologize for last night and say sorry and explain myself" And I just say, Look, I really dont want to talk right now okay I still have lots of presents to wrap and stuff. I'll call you tomorrow morning. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow" Hangs up. 11 30 rolls around. Calls me again. I am super pissed off now. "Why dont you trust me? You always think I am drunk, I'm not drunk right now, I just want to say I'm sorry for last night its my fault. I want to tell you I understand that you only want to be friends, but I want to tell you that I will always ALWAYS be waiting for you, you are always my first option" ........ and......so this is what happens at least once a month okay. And obviously I semi freak out. What would EVER make you think that I dont trust you? The fact that you call me once a month piss drunk telling me how much you miss me your going to wait for me for the rest of your life. The fact that YOU KNOW hearing that makes me angry and you STILL dont respect me enough to listen. The fact that GUARANTEED the next day you will call me and say you are sorry for calling me last night and that you were drunk and it wont happen again? HMMMM I wonder why I dont trust you. So I tell him all this and he's calling me immature for not trusting him and for being so mean and I just keep telling him 'please, I dont want to talk to you right now can we talk tomorrow morining' and he SWEARS he isn't drunk, and maybe he isn't and maybe I was being a jerk, but like I said 90% of the time he is. So... so I'm just listening, being my mean defensive self saying 'yup yup, okay, uh huh right' I just, I CANNOT have a conversation with him when hes like that because no matter what I say he tells me CALM DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME. So he calls me childish for not taking him seriously and I just keep on repeating *I dont want to talk right now I will call you in the morning* NO NO you wont, you dont even consider me a friend right now, you wont call me its always me who calls you. And I just want to blow my fucking brains out at this point in time. And this goes on for like another 20 mintues. (Why didn't I hang up? I dont fucking know why) Like, hes done nothing to prove to me that I should get back together with him. When we were dating he told me. HE. told. ME. I never asked him to change anything but HE promised ME that he would quit smoking, drinking and gambling. He never kept any of those promises. Whenever we go out for dinner or lunch, he still chain smokes and drinks even more than before. I just... what reason could I possibly have for getting back in a relationship with you when nothing has changed. I feel so stupid for being so hung up over him this past year too. Ugh. So, anyways I'm still telling him, Do you know why I think your drunk? Because you never call me at this time of night unless you are drunk. You have called me 3 times in the past hour. Since then I have asked you TEN times now can we talk in the morning and you are not letting it go, that is how I know you are drunk. So PLEASE, I really want to go now we can talk in the morning......... "No you are being selfish you only......" And that is as far as I got. I got so SO SO angry that I threw my phone down and screamed and just......I just broke down. It only lasted like a minute but for that minute I couldn't breath I coudln't think I didn't know what to do and all all ALL I wanted to do was hurt myself. I just.... after I snapped out of it, it was really scary because its been years since that's last happened and it was just really upsetting because it brought back bad memories. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, you have no idea how upset I was that that happened tonight and that it only happened because my ex wouldn't listen to the one thing I wanted him to do. Again. Blaaaah.

This is for you.

This entry I wanted to write to you, but since I'm trying to stop liking you I'll just post it here instead. *weak smile*

So. I had a fairly bad day today.... like a 5 outta 10. Last day of work today for the entire week until next Monday. I'm so burnt out I fell asleep on the bus yesterday.....standing up. So anyways, working working working, then I get a call from my supervisor asking me to stay an extra 3 hours because one of the girls couldn't come in to work.... Bummer. So here I'm going on 9 hours, getting a slight headache. ALMOST time to go home when I get another text from that same girl who called in sick today to cover her shift tomorrow too. KW is totally understaffed right now and I really really dont want to work tomorrow, but I kinda need the money, and I kinda feel bad because I know if I dont work it no one else will. Headache worsens. 7pm finally rolls around and I'm dying to get off. Fuckin brown girl I dont know where the hell she is but she went to go to the bathroom and has been MIA for the past 30 mintues. ugh. Then I get a text from my ex. So....today is Wednesday. I had dinner with him on Monday because he just finished helping me move stuff into my studio. We're talking and he asks me what my family is doing on Christmas, and I say we are having the usual big family dinner. He asks me if he can come. I say 'if you want....' (maybe I shouldn'tve said that....but I felt bad because I knew he would be spending xmas by himself.....) But anyways i tell him if he is goig to be spending xmas alone, then just come over. And he says *your parents wont mind?* and i say *why would they mind?* Then I worry that he is starting to think I'm leading him on or somethig and I say *but....you know I'm just asking you over as a friend right, I mean this doesn't change anything.....* so then.... thats the end of dinner. He walks me to the train station and before I leave he asks me for a hug.... and I say .........I'll give him one on christmas. (I dont want to hug him because A. I dont like hugs and B. last time I hugged him he tried to kiss me) Anyways I go home, end of story..........or so I think. The message I get is a paragraph of him telling me he is going to move to Saskatoon because he has nothing left in Edmonton. He has nothing but bad memories anymore and how he can tell I dont have feelings for him anymore, how he means nothing to me........fuuuuuuuuuuck me. I wanted to blow my brains out when I read that. I just thought.... WTF do you want me to say. Yes come over for dinner. No dont come over for dinner?!?! what the fuck else is left. Either answer woulda provoked this response!! So I called him and was like. what do you want me to say, its lose-lose no matter what I say. Goddamnit. And hes like, You dont even wanna see me anymore or talk to me, I am just going to say good bye now, you never have to hear from me again. And I just start bawling in the middle of the mall.. I say to him 'You say this to me ever week. You call me every 2 weeks piss drunk, and you say that you are never going to call me again, good bye good bye good bye. That means nothing to me, how do I take you seriously anymore??? And he says *no this time I am serious, I'm going to disappear. Good Bye* and I wait, and he doesn't hang up, and I just laugh. Fuck geezus. How do you manage having so many exes? Anyways, in the end he apologizes for the millionth time, still means nothing to me, and he says 'we are still friends right' to which I say yes, and then call it a day. Ugh..... I dnot even know why I still lose tears over this guy.

Followed by the sound of a soft heart breaking......

hahahah I'm so dramatic sometimes. I dont even know why.
Hahaha, well. I guess since I'm writing a lot of "hahaha's" it means I'm not really THAT sad .... but kinda am. I dunno bittersweet I guess. Not like Shane crushed my heart sad, but still sad in the heart sad......mostly because I'm probably coming to this realization on my own. Hahahah... (i keep on laughing I dont know why) Anyways, I am 99% sure super crush is not interested. (The 1% is just my wishful thinking) I probably knew that a while back ago but what can I say, I like to be in denial. He's just too friendly I think. And you know how not good I am at reading guys. I always think they might mean something else. What has brought me to this conclusion? Oh that he still hits on other girls when I'm around, that he still regularly updates POF, that he goes on dates every week.... Hahahaha. I is so sad D: Its just weird because like, I guess he thinks I'm an okay friend so we talk about the most random stuff and like, I dont feel awkward or under any type of pressure when I talk to him. Its just very at ease that he doesn't care about what I know and dont know. anyways. I've been saying this for the past week now but I'm really gonna make the effort to move on from super crush now okay. And since hes goin' outta town for the next 10 days it'll be like cold turkey so I'm gonna need someones hand to hold on to!!

..........But before that happens I would like to record my last few happy times with super crush. I am contradicting the hell outta myself right now but I'm weening okay D: Anyways. Monday...or Tuesday night, cant remember. I was opening at KY and as my shift ends I check my phone and low and behold Brendan has send me (and probably 8 other ppl) a random message asking to join him and his friend for wings. Hahaha obviously I start laughing hysterically and my coworkers laugh at me because I'm crushing so hard. So I meet up with him and his friend and just talk randomly (they talk, I watch and eat....) I tell them about how all Chinese people think I'm too whitewashed to understand chinese and say I am fat. He laughs hysterically. D: Later on that week me Nomin and Tara make plans to go out/party/drink because I magically have the Friday night off. I ask Brendan the day before if he wants to come out with Nomin and I, but since I'm not sure where we are going he doesn't reply. Anyways. Friday rolls around and Nomin and I are walking to Tara's and he messages me! hahaha if I wasn't in the liquorstore in public I woulda laughed hysterically again. I end up inviting him over to Tara's place for drinks to which he actually comes! Shocking I know. So Tara and Nomin and I are kiiiinda tipsy when he comes. I am embarrassingly red. We just end up telling random stories. Punching dykes in the back of the head..... creepy Spanish man at OilCity. Eventually we end up going with him to meet up with Dave and his other friends at a bar on Whyte. Throughout the night Nomin gets kicked out of the bar, and while I'm helping her catch a cab, Tara decides to call it quits too but since my jacket is still inside I end up staying at the bar alone with super crush and his friends. (Oh yah his friends were all making fun of him because he was on the prowl that night for ladies. They laughed. I cried!) Later, we all go to Humpty's (thank god I did not throw up from drinking) and all his friends are just talking random talking. So funny and So random. His friends are so casual I could cry. No bitching or complaining and just making fun of each other. Which I enjoyed as well, and (I suppose it coulda been the alchohol) but I didn't feel like I was gonna have an anxiety attack or anything, it was quite pleasant! Anyways, I dont eat my food cuz it tastes funny, he eats most of it. Then drives me home. We talk a bit, and I'm super tired from being up almost 24 hours/drinking but am really happy. Hahaha. He doesn't wait for me to get in my building before he drives away. Next day, I'm still pretty happy because I had a good night with brendan and his friends. Nothing embarrassing, didn't cry or anything! Again, later in the day he randomly messages me laughing at the drunken text I sent him on the dance floor. (its the random messaging that throws me off I think) so we talk on and off throughout the day, until right before I head to KY he tells me hes got a date on Sunday. :( I tell him I'm jealous and he says he has no sympathy and I should message more guys on PoF. That makes me sadder. :( :( So. I get kinda defensive and tell him I I dunno.... I tell him its easier to say than it is to do, to just jump in and meet people. I dunno why I was able to do it with him, but I feel like I am going to have a heart attack whenever I go to message someone else on POF. That and all the times I chanced it with other guy's and've had my heart broken. Craig, Mitch, Shane, Michael...... I mean, thats gotta do soemthing to a girl right? I've said it before and I'll say it again, getting left behind so much makes me feel like I'm not worth coming back for, you know. (you guys are saying ONLY FOUR GUYS?! but it really hurt okay) So anyways I tell him that and he says *thats unfortunate that you've lost empathy do you being unable to predict/tell untruths* I was working at the time and I thought if I talked about it anymore I was gonna cry so I just stopped msging..... Even though I know it, it hurts 10x more when someone else says it to you. So yeah I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night, and was kinda sad. Saturday finishes, Sunday family goes for dimsum. I get called in to work at KY. And I remember Brendan said he had a date tonight. This is going to be the meanest thing I've said in a while but, close to midnight Im on FB and I see he has commented on his status as *This date is painful*..................I was so Happy!!!! Hahahahaha...... D: Sooooo I end up sending him a msg bugging him about his date. And his reply was. "She ordered juice, Corinna, juice @ 10pm!" Aaaaaaah I was laughing about that for the entire day.... hahaha............. And then I went and had dinner with Michael and invited him to have dinner with my family on Christmas....... aaaaaaaaargh

Okay cold turkey. Commence.....now.

Effervescence

It just took me 25+ mintues to think of a fancy word to use as my title.........

Sometimes I think its funny how people ask for advice even though they've already decided and just want you to say what they want to hear!

Anyways, sometimes I think I am going to be single forever. Or that I just have INCREDIBLY bad luck/timing. :( Craig is the first case in my defense. Didn't he ask me a few times when he was still in my life to go over to his place for dinner, but he would always ask me on the ONLY day where I had a lab or something I couldn't get out of. (wow I haven't talked about craig in a long time! Hahaha, I still randomly think about you/wonder where you are and what your doing/ if your okay......) yeah, and it happened on more than one occassion. When I was trying to woo him he was seeing somebody and when he tried to ask me out I was seeing Mitch. F-ing Mitch.....
Sometimes I feel like this bad timing is happening with Brendan too. (I suppose there is the possibility that its not bad luck and its just him saying no.......) Hahaha we'll either or. I think the first time was when I asked him to come to the staff party. He leaves for vacation the day of the staff party and couldn't go. (I also suppose he kinda said no because of the whole hitting on my cuter coworkers/being awkward......) the 2nd time was few days later when he asked me to go to his sister's Bday dinner. *sob sob* that one really REALLY hurt. Obviously/ironically I decided to go to Vancouver that week and couldn't go. Today, I really wanted to go to Gaya and I figured he woulda been at the U studying. So I asked him if he was there and/or wanted to go for dinner. Obviously, the day I ask is the day he's not there. Yeaaaaaah, I asked him if he wanted to go anyways, and he suggested Vietnamese instead............ and then he called me and said he probably shouldn't go because he had to study for a big test tmo....... I was having such a good day I SWEAR I woulda caught him *sigh*
Anyways, you know, now that I've written this out it kinda feels like hes just saying no and its not bad luck..... *sob sob sob* anyways, I suppose I'll just continue to have this silly crush on him till it transfers to someone else. So yah....hopefully I'll meet this someone else soon before I get my heart mashed into a bloody pulp again. :( why do I crush so hard !!

Note to self. Someone's always got it worse than you.

Ugh. I'm going through a major crash right now. Stupid weekends always do this to me. Had a really less than average week this week and I feel really stressed. Theres just so much stuff I have to/want to/ need to/ am being told to do. And I'm having a lot of trouble prioritizing whats most important right now. Trying to set up the new studio is KILLING ME. All my stuff is just in the corner on the floor as I'm trying to get tables and shelves and stuff moved in. Trying to find some stuff on Kijiji, but everytime I find something I can't find anyone to help me move it in. I got yelled at by some guy on Kijiji the other day because I coudn't get a hold of anyone with a car to pick it up. KW was crazy busy on friday and of course I had double shift and KY was equally busy. I was so tired at the secret santa party it was like, eat-pictures-leave. ugh. And then Saturday, Michael called me while he was drinking again. I dont even wanna go into that conversation. He sent me a text this afternoon apologizing.....And then ugh....this week has just been so bringing me down. I just feel like people think I'm stronger than I really am. And I dont know when to say Help Me or I Can't Take Anymore. My mind is thinking about eight hundred and twelve things and I just dont know what I should be feeling. Why am I feeling sad, am I supposed to be feeling this way, Am I just bringing myself down right now? what the hell.

I actually think I know one of the main branches to this problem. And that would be because of that whole having a crush who doesn't like you scenario again. Damn you. Always happens, and as much as I think its not, I know it is. Who the hell am I trying to impress. I never used FB this much before I met him so like what the hell am I doing with all these status updates? Who really cares? He'll never think of you as anything more than just a friend so stop trying to get his attention all the time, thinking so much, worrying so much. Ack. I'm so stupid sometimes. Why does this always happen to me? Falling for the most inappropriate guys all the time. I mean, I always gotta like the ones that are so different and uncaring, exactly what I dont need, and I just tell myself, 'no no, this is good, he's so different its like opposites attracting, we can learn so much from each other' But who am I trying to fool? Obviously myself.

So. I guess, all I'm telling myself right now. Is to just. Stop.

when worlds come crashing down

what will you do then?

feeling kinda sad today. Just started going downhill after work. *sigh* Stupid KW and all this goddamn drama/gossip/bs. I'm going to sound like a such a contradiction, but I hate gossip and the drama it brings. I dont like gossiping really, but its impossible to get away from it at the kiosk. One of the reasons I didnt wanna go to the staff party was because I knew it'd be all jolly happy ha-ha there, but the second everybody left they'd start talking about each other behind there backs. So anyways, I was getting the cold shoulder today from one of my coworkers because I had told the other girls something that 'wasn't supposed to be said'. I just....I just....UGH don't people have anything better to do than just talk about things people tell them? It was like a whole he said that she said that you said..... fucking jesus. Like, I didn't even really care when she said bye to everyone else but me, but later on I started to get really upset. I mean, the stuff that she tells me she always says *dont tell anyone okay* but I already know that everyone probably already knows and shes also told them 'not to tell anyone'. So like, yeah I guess it was noisy of me to tell my co workers that, but if she didn't want anyone to know, or is ashamed or whatever, then why do it, why ask me what I think. It obviously bothered you so much that you didn't want anyone to know, so why ask me for my opinion. You knew what I would say, you know what everyone else is gonna say so like....why? fuck man.
And then, after work I started getting sad because....I got my studio now but I cant get any furniture for it. I need some tables and a shelf and I'm trying trying trying TRYING to get someone to help me move stuff into the studio so I can start working and everyone is just super busy. And I feel so useless. SO. USELESS. Sitting at home getting yelled at by people for not coming to pick things up and it just makes me more and more sad.
Ugh. Its days like today that makes me hope I die soon. I have such little faith in society and I certainly dont want to have to live another 60 years here.

What goes up....

.....must come down.

Sorry about the slightly negative sounding title. I've actually been having a really good past few days since coming back from BC. The guy I like has been talking to me a lot more lately, which is kinda unexpected. Ha-ha. I mean I really enjoy it, but I'm not sure if its just cause he thinks I'm an 'interesting friend' or whatnot...... *sigh*..... I remember few years ago Jeff told me that I give off mixed signals and 'signs' that I'm uninterested in guys (when in reality I am) and what bothers me is that I have no idea how to take down these said signs. I wonder what guys are thinking and what guys mean when they say certain stuff. Mmmm, like the first one was.... when he msged me that one nite when I was in vancouver and I asked him to the staff party. He said something like 'oh no thx all KY has is old ladies. Well and you' ......means nothing right? And then same conversation, he said it would be awkward having him hit on my coworkers especially considering how we met. That one sounds like he's not interested at all to me. But then, the next day I get a msg from him asking if I want to go to a party with him and his buddy's (keep in mind he's never asked me to do anything before) and I was kinda happy because it seemed 'slightly interested' And then, he texted me randomly few days ago and that just started up a mini chat/conversation which led to him offering to drive me home after work, which I messed up :( But like, sometimes the conversations we have seem more like 'just friends'. Like, he'll tell me about girls he's interested in yadda yadda yadda.......I guess, it doesn't help that I always pull that *too cool* card. Like he'll say something about a girl and I'll say *yeah shes cute* but in reality I'm kinda sad he didn't say *you're cute*....... ha-ha :( But then, the next day, after not talking to him the whole day, he sends me a msg around the time Id normally get off at KY asking 'need a ride today?' ....that sounds like hes interested right? But then.... he always brings up pof and if I've met any new guys or whatnot.... I feel like hes telling me to keep trying!! And then the last thing was today, he was on lunch break and swung by to talk to me. But for a longer than usual time. I had my lunch break too, so we kinda walked around and gossiped before he left........
Aaaah I dunno. I think I just have such a crush on him and am therefore overthinking too much. Either he knows I like him and he just wants to be friends, or he thinks I'm not interested and is just being friends. D: Aaaaah, I'm positive its the former, but still so confusing :(