Russian Tea Room/ HBD

25 years old doesn't feel very different from 24 years old doesn't feel very different from 23 years old.....

But anyways so yah its my bday today!....well it was its 1 52AM now so I suppose it was my birthday. Switched shifts so I had today off and get to work Halloween. I went to get my palm read today. $60 bucks which nwo that I think about it was kinda pricy, but whatever, once a year. Anyways, the people at RTR were scarily accurate. I got a tarot reading and palm reading. The first 3 cards the lady drew she said to me *oh my god, you are working too much you have a lot of stress and burdens on your shoulder....a lot from work yes problems at work. Where do you work at?* Then I said I work at KY, KW and sew pt as well...... (the lady who read lings palms told her 'your good with your hands and are very caring, are you a nurse?') Um....fuck I already forgetting what she told me. She said my mom might have some minor health issues, especially in her neather regions. My moms side of the family, possibly my Gramma will also have some minor health issues. One of my brothers, the more *charming* one will be having a relationship soon. One of my friends will be having boy problems and end it with a bf shes been on and offing it again (chanda holy crap that was fast) Um....she said I was going to go on a trip in the near future (i laughed because I'm going to vancouver end of November) She said I'll do a lot of travelling and she sees a major move in the next few years. Like a permanent move. Um....the 3 questions I asked were #1 about the guy I like right now. I asked if it was worthwile to pursue or is it just a random guy in my life I shoudn't worry about. She said if it develops it will be nice relationship. He is very mature and has good relationship with his family but a little tiny drift between the father. Then I asked about my work, if I was on the right path or not. And she said *it will work out, but thats all, it will just *just* work out. You won't make it big but you'll just get by*. She also said I would probably be going back to school maybe come September. (Totally weird because I've been thinking about taking up Massage Therapy a lot recently.) Um so yah, she said if I move it will be better for my career. Something to do about going South for lots of inspiration. Um...and then for the 3rd question I coudln't think of anything so I just asked about my health. She said I'm in very good health, but I'll probably be getting some back problems down the line (if by down the line she means now then yes she is also correct there!) Relationship-wise she said I should expect to meet someone withing the next 6months... something about February I think. He will be very mature with brown or dark blonde hair and brown eyes.... Something about meeting him via friends. But I shoudln't go around asking it'll just be a random encouter and it goes from there. At least she said he was caucasian right!
And for my palm reading, she told me that I have lots of stress..... lots of worries.... sees me going back to school again. oh OH and children wise she saw 3....at least 2 for sure and the 2nd one will be an *oopsie* Hahahaha. I didn't ask when I would die (The lady told ling she'd die when she was 85). Then she asked me if I had any questions to ask. What I would be going back to school for. And she said (obviously) to better my education.... (really vague I know) then I asked when am I going to get married. She said *I see the number 25* o_O hahaha but she said *You'll probably meet someone in your 25th year and this person I see you having a strong union/bond with* hahah Yay! And then I asked about my ex. I told her a one sentence summary, and asked if we should still try to be friends or if I'm just asking for problems down the road. She told me she doesn't like to asnwer these questions because its more my choice....crap I cant remember what she told me. But she said, the guy that you are going to meet the relationship will be much more calm and reliable, because you have trust issues I know, but it will feel much more comfortable. Your last relationship was very up and down and not reliable, this one will be better..... double yay! .....um..... thats all I can remember for now I'm so tired. Forgot I have to open at KW tomorrow. double F.....

But on a side note I am so excited for Friday. hohohohohohohoh.......

I don't trust love very much. It's a temporary impulse that makes you lose yourself and forget whats important to you.

This is a line I pulled from a manga I've been reading. At this exact moment in time I feel it is perfect. Just perfect.

Anyways I was just re-reading my last entry. I do not remember typing that at all but even when I'm reading it I feel like it hasn't expressed what I was feeling that nite. I just can't explain it. :( *sigh* Well anyways. Today is Sunday and I went to have dinner with Michael. I knew it was going to happen but after we got into that argument I knew he was going to call me/msg me 2-3 days later to apologize. I suppose thats why I wasn't that angry, but still. So he msged me on Friday (super crush came to KY that day too btw!) saying sorry, and that he still wanted to see me on Sunday for dinner and after that he would disappear. I didn't have time to msg him back till midnight when I was at my studio. So I had a long (calm) talk with him. I said that I cant handle it when you tell me that you want us to be together again. We're not on the same page anymore when you say those things. I only want to be friends right now and if you're not able to accept that then I guess its not going to work. Crap do I sound like a jerk? I just....I was trying to explain to him....about finally taking of those Rose colored glasses. You know. For the longest time I always thought I'd never find someone who I'd love as much as him. But after I made that decision to move on it was just like *click* I started seeing all the holes in our relationship. He made all these promises to me to A) quit smoking, B) quit gambling, C) quit drinking. I never asked him to do any of these and he was the one who said that he would quit all the above for me, but never got around to doing it. Towards the end of my program at Marvel when I was starting to burn out he would get really angry at me when I didn't wanna have sex cuz I was really tired. What is it with guys and not being able to keep it in there pants? I'd remember those few times when I'd be so SO drowsy from taking sleeping meds and he'd still want to do it so I'd just let him even though it was like 1AM and I had to get up early the next morning..... But I think the number 1 problem in our relationship was the communication barrier. I never really thought it was anything, but I think a lot of our fights were because of miscommunication. Sometimes I would try to explain something in Chinese and I wouldn't use the right words or whatever, or I'd say it in English and maybe he wouldn't understand. So.... we would always be on each other backs because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I think thats why I'm not really interested in Asians right now. I dunno M/B are trying to introduce me to a Chinese/Filipino guy and I'm just not interested. At all. I want a nice cute white boy.....it must be the family curse....
Okay, well back to the story, so I tell him, that I only want to be friends right now. I dont know whats going to happen down the road but at this moment I dont want to get back together. I said just try to move on right now and dont wait for me. And he said I will wait for you forever. Its just, stuff like that that makes me really frustrated. I honestly dont think we'll get back together again (ironic isn't it that a mere 2 months ago I was telling everyone I always always thought we would get back together again....) so then compressed version is I said I'll see him on Sunday for dinner but only if we go as friends. (am I being selfish for making him do that.....)
So then today, Sunday, we meet up for dinner. The first 3/4 was really good. Not awkward at all, just talked about the usual. Work, family, things that piss us off KY gossip yadda yadda yadda. Went for ramen and ice cream. Then he walks me back home and comes into my building with me. I say you dont have to come in with me you know. Then he asks me for a hug.... and I pause....but we still hug and when I go to back away he holds on to me. And says *you really wont give me another chance?* And.....I just stood there again with that dumbfounded not knowing what to say/how to explain/is this happening again? I walked away mumbling random words. I dont know why my brain just stops working when this happens?? So he said he was sorry again, and gave me my birthday card and present. He wrote it a long long time ago he said, and the present is a bracelet which I haven't opened yet..... So then, I said thanks and that I was going up now and gave him another hug and said *sorry I'm not going to kiss you this time* and he said *I want to* and started to follow me into the building and I dont have those feelings for him anymore, I just can't explain the feeling I had but he followed me and when I went into the elevator he grabbed my arm and I just said Please.....don't..... and then the elevator closed. My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry this time.......
I think to you guys it sounds like I still love him. But I'm telling you I dont. I just feel nothing anymore when I see him and when he talks about us or the past or wanting to kiss me I feel really really uncomfortable. Probably because now I dream about kissing super crush.......

my brain feels like it has exploded right now. I'm not comprehending anything. Anything. I dont even know what I'm feeling, I'm so f-ing confused right now. Since that day Michael told me he wanted to get back together, he's been sending me messages non stop. Good Morning. Good Night. Dress Warmly. I Miss You. I dont know the word to describe it but I got somewhat..... overwhelmed? upset? Then he started calling me randomly, (I want to say drunk but I'm not sure) and it was making me really really.... angry? sad? So this morning he asks me out for lunch and I....I'm so drowsy. I cant remember what happened. He asked me out for lunch on my lunch break and I said no. Then he asked me what I was doing after work, and I said I wnted to go to my studio to get some stuff done. and he said *Fine, I will stay at home* And I dont know why but that made me really upset, cause it sounded like he was angry with me? So i msged him back saying. 'you already asked me out for dinner on sunday I said I will see you then, I really am busy I have lots to do, I've been working 14 days straight' and then he replied back saying 'sorry dont be mad' and i replied back saying I'm not mad. Later on in the day I get a msg saying *I am coming to see you, I am at KW now* And I dont know why I got really really scared. I told my coworker and I started crying. On the spot at the kiosk. I dont know why. But I was scared what was going to happen when I saw him. I guess, I just feel that he is kind of an unstable person (I'm not any better I know) and was scared something might happen. Anyways I seen him walk past twice, because he doesn't know where I work and I.....I started to feel bad? So i left the kiosk and went to see him. And like.... I guess it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be but it was still really awkward. I coudln't look him in the eyes. I dont even know why. But everything that comes out of his mouth I dont want to listen to. He asks me if I'm bothering him, if I dont want him to call anymore, if I dont even want to be friends. And I dont say yes. If I say yes, yes I dont want you to call me anymore, I feel bad. Really bad. If I say no, no I still want you to call me I feel like I'll be leading him on and lying to myself. Why, why the fuck do I think that we can still be friends. Who am I trying to impress and what have I got to lose by losing you? After I talked to him briefly at KW I told him I was really upset that he was sending me messages every day. And then he said sorry I'll stop, and then I said I had to go back to work and he walked away. I felt SO bad. Again, I dont know why. When I got off work I sent him a message seeing if he was still in the mall and that I was going to catch the bus. He said that he was at a pub drinking and that hes not going to bother me anymore. I said your not bothering me, I just dont want you messaging me every day every minute. Its confusing me because you say you still want to be friends but you send me stuff like that thats obviously not 'just friends' intentions.
And then the last message he sends me is *I want to be friends but I dont think it is a good idea because I am worried what I might do when I am with you* ...... no comment. So I go home and take a nap. When I wake up Michael calls me and is telling me.....telling all kinds of stuff. My brain felt so cloudy becuase he was telling me ALL this stuff about his regrets and the past, and how bad he felt because he was never there for me. I dunno if it was just too muhc information or what, but I coudln't say anything. There was so so SO much I wanted to say but I didn't know how to. It was like there wasn't proper words to express msyelf with. And in the end. Obviously we got into a fight. I just gave up because i couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say and I said I didn't want to talk anymore. He got angry, hung up and then sent me 2 messages commenting on what I said. and then he said Good Bye. It seems so miniscule what I'm complaining about but it made me so so drowsy. I had just woken up from a nap and yet my brain was so cloudy. I took 2 sleeping pills just to ease the mind, althought I was already pretty drowsy to begin with. And the real kicker is. All this time while michael was talking to me all I could think about was calling my crush. It was ALL i could think about. I cried of course, but while I was crying I just thought about that time he called me to talk. I hate it when I get so obsessed over a guy that I make up the worst reasons that make it okay for me to do soemthing that I would normally not do. I thought, I'll ask him out for drinks so we can talk. I'll ask him why he hasnt been to KW lately. I'll ask him how school is. Would I really do that? No no i wouldn't. I dont know why I always fall for guys who dont show interest in me. It took so much talking to myself to not to call/text him. I'm so stupid sometimes. Stupid and upset and worried. I have so much stuff I want to do and I'm so drowsy right now. 2 pills kick in so fast holy crap. Anyways, I dont know what I'm going to do about michael. It seems pretty obvious right now that its over, and we cant even be friends. But i have a feeling I'm going to be pretty sad and might end up calling him. But the only thing I want right now is to talk to my crush....

poor you ... you will meet your "shinning aromr " soon

aka advice from my best friend.

um...... so......i'm not sure why i'm on here again..... originally I was going to write a happy happy post, but I got kinda bummed out..... so now I dont know what I want to write.... I suppose the joke I had wasn't that funny so lets just move onto the real reason why I have this blog. I'MA SO SAD...... D: D: Why are my emotions like a fucking roller coaster? holy shit. whatever did I do in my previous lifetime to get what I've gotten this time around? I'm so so SO confused 70% of the time. I know I know I know, I always fall way to fast for crushes that I have, so when I finally find something bad about them it crushes my heart. I mean, I know its gotten bad that whenever someone tells me something negative I jump to defend him. I just (not going to say really like) have a really big crush on this new guy right now. Like what kind of advice do I take. everyone at KW keeps telling me *move on/find another guy/hes CLEARLY not into you* but how can you tell??! I admit that I did feel kinda sad (before they gave me this advice) that he never msgs me first, and I'm always the one starting conversations. but like.... I know that he's not looking for anything serious so ....so...... am I just being dumb?? I just really like the talks taht we have. *sigh* Well i guess on the *plus* side, he swings by to say Hi whenever hes at KW....does that mean anytyhing? Sometimes I wonder why I bother to ask these questions when its obvious I wont get an answer. But so anyways. yeah I still tell everybody I have a super crush on him and everybody thinks I'm crushing too hard, but what can I say, i can't help it. So....anyways about the *bad news* I heard from him. I totally wasn't expecting it and when he said it I was like *........oh.......* then I got a little sad. I know I've got it bad when I made up a reason for that habit too...... sigh...... SIIIIIIIIIGH.

Okay, I guess I really will tell you that joke, just to lighten up the mood. I was watching wheel of fortune earlier. The hint was "popular saying" and the board read: S_ _ A_ A _ _X.
I loudly proclaimed SAD AS A BOX!!! .....i thought it was funny.....

so, yesterday I kind of had a....a....i dont even know what i had. an episode of depression? mini breakdown? I feel a bit better now but I dunno if I over reacted or whatnot but just a bunch of unexpected things happened to me as the week progressed and the last one kinda shook me up. I dont even know what happened first. I guess... maybe the first thing that upset me was when I was at KW and M told me that I should never have to call a guy, and if a guy was interested in me he would be the one to make the first move. And like, I could totally see her pov, but I kept on defending my reason saying, *oh but this* and *oh but he also* And like, I could hear the words coming out of my mouth and I knew how infatuated I mustve sounded. But I was really sad because the more people I asked, the more they told me that *it sounds like the guy's not interested, your the one always initiating conversations, and he doesn't talk to you unless you talk to him first* And so that brought me down a little bit. I was like, why do all the guys I'm interested in don't care so much about me, and vice versa. The only other guy I replied back to on pof msgs me randomly all the time, but I'm just not drawn to him at all. Its ridiculous how often I fall in this situation. Whats even more awkward is that both pof guys know each other. Like 'good friends' know each other. So anyways. I was a bit upset over that but I was still like *I DONT CARE! I'm going to ask him out for coffee next week!!!* Few days later my classmate messages me about renting out a studio with her. And I was like *FUCK YEAH* I need a studio space SO bad. Whenever I get home I just get so lazy and I look at that pitiful *drafting area* that I have and then I go and climb in bed. So anyways I was really excited to get an actual studio space to be creative. And then, obviously because I'm an idiot, I started worrying again about doing this for the rest of my life. What if I just end up getting bored with it like every hobby I've taken up. What if my designs dont sell. What if I'm wasting my money again. What if I spend the rest of my life working as a waitress or at KW. So much doubt in my mind, and not enough confidence in myself. And THEN the big kicker of the week.........was when Michael asked me to get back together.....yup..... after year and 2 months of hoping and hoping and hoping that we would get back together. The week after I finally decide to move on and find someone else, he asks me to get back together. It took me so so SO long to get the courage and settle my emotions down enough to move on. And then this fucking happens. I would've been SO happy if he asked me 2 weeks ago before I developed this new crush. But no. Of course the SECOND I like someone else, he decides that he wants to get back. And of course, I dont have feelings for him anymore because I like this new guy who, of course, does not appear to have feelings for me. Its obvious that someone enjoys fucking with my life. I just....all I can think about now when I think about Michael is him walking away from me and breaking my heart. Ugh. I feel like I'm over reacting this time because I'm not even confused. I dont know why I'm so so sad, because I know what my answer will be, but I still just feel so down. Am I making the right choice again? I dont want to go back to Michael 'just because' its convenient. you know what I'm sayin?

why is trying to woo someone soooooo complicated.

*sob sob* Where is this dating rule book that everyone seems to have read cept me? I'm soooo confused. Is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy for coffee? What if said guy doesn't *appear* to be interested? I mean, everybody keeps telling me that I shoudn't always be the one initiating conversations. "If they guy doesn't message you at all, then he's not interested". But, at the same time, the conversations we do have don't feel like *nothing*.....Aaaaaah dunno. Its probably just cuz I have a super crush on him right now, but I keep on thinking theres nothing wrong and I should just go for it and see what happens. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart again? gaaaaah. Why do I always always fall for the same guys :( It would make me feel so much better if he sent me a message at least once........