I talked to anybody and everybody that I could talk to yesterday that wouldn't think I was bat-shit crazy. The last person I talked to was my studiomate and confidant, G. It's funny because everytime I talk to her about a boy she always shakes her head and laughs at me. (Just like I shake my head and laugh at N). She most likely does this because she thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing. And at first I was kinda upset. I don't think she understood how flipping Ironic this turned out to be. How from day 1 to Saturday, as time passed, the scales tipped and the outcome unfolded. I just thought it was "Hilarious" like a mean game hilarious.
The one thing though, that G said to me that initially I was really hurt by was:
You Missed Your Chance.
That's all that happened, C. He probably did like you. He liked you enough to ask you out for coffee. Twice. In a guys rule book. Twice is enough. You don't ask again. My defense was I didn't say no. But I guess it doesn't matter. He asked you out and you brushed it off. But he still had to see you almost every day. So what else was he supposed to do? He could still be friendly (and maybe flirty) because he had to see you every day.
So..... that's it. Maybe he actually was single or maybe he really was just ridiculously friendly. But you know what. It doesn't matter anymore.
The only thing I feel right now is I feel stupid for asking him out because his reply was so ..... so ..... disgusting, now that I think about it. I have a girlfriend..... and thanks, you're sweet. Here comes the hate, Hahahaha. No matter what actually happened I will still think he was messing around with me towards the end.
He didn't have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He didn't have a girlfriend and was interested.
He did have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He did have a girlfriend and was interested.
I gotta stop dissecting this. It's just sad to me no matter what.
But I'll be okay. This one hurts way less.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Still in awe
So here's the story that resulted in the worst possible outcome I could imagine.
On Friday. I didn't have class or work. I had the whole day off and no plans. So I was just gonna loaf around the entire day.
But then the chain reaction started.
I decided I was going to go donate blood. So I got ready and heading over to the clinic. On the way down to catch the train I bumped into brother F. Wow. Kinda random. I've never bumped into my brother before even though we live and work quite close. So anyways I get to the Donor Clinic and get my veins on. They work! Horray! I sit and eat soup for who knows how long. Get up and leave and while waiting for the train to go back. I bump into brother T. Whoa. Now that is really weird. 2 brothers in the same day. It kinda spooked me and I was thinking what else was gonna happen today !
Anways, I eventually get on the train to go to Londonderry. More specifically to McDonalds because I was on the prowl for the last Hello Kitty Toy. I get off the train and JUST miss the bus. DANG, now I gotta wait 15 mintues for the next bus. Oh well whatever. So time dwaddles on and I get to Londonderry. McDonalds does not have the toy I am looking for so I book it outta there. I'm leaving Londonderry and I see my bus coming. I'm not going to make it, its a red light.
OH FUCK IT.
And I ran. And of course I caught the bus and made it to the train station in record timing. As I'm on the train heading back downtown I see some Golden Arches right before I pull into Stadium Station.
So.
I decide to get off.
I get off and walk to the McDonalds and there is a new Hello Kitty Toy there !!!
Excitedly I walk back and I hear the train coming.
I book it again but this time I don't catch the train. So. I'm sitting there waiting. With my bags and my Happy Meal, and I'm deciding how to get to gramma's next. I could get off at Central Station and catch the bus on Jasper because there are more busses there. Or I could get off at Churchill and wait for the one bus that comes there. The train comes and I get on. Still can't decide. Finally I figure getting off at Churchill will be faster. So I get off.
But.
Instead of walking to the bus stop to catch the bus.
I decide to walk to my grandparent's place instead
And during that walk, which so many decisions and timings and missed busses lead me to,
I bumped into UPS man.
I walked almost right past him because I didn't recognize him. I took out an earphone in case he wanted to chat, and I heard him motion to his friends to go on ahead and he would catch up.
And we chatted for a bit.
He asked why I wasn't at work and I told him I didn't work anymore. That I was back in school.
He laughed and said, "You quit because I stopped showing up right!"
And I panicked and laughed and said maybe.
He told me they had just finished some hearing at the ASA building about demolishing some historical buildings, yadda yadda. We talked about his broken hip. And then that was it.
He left and I left the other way
I thought. Holy Shit. How did that just happen. That After 3 months of not seeing UPS man I bump into him here. And I was really kick ass happy. It was a really good day. I went and saw my grandparents and had my happy meal and then went to the studio and started sewing the yellow ranger hoodie. It really was a good day!
It really was a good day
It was a good day if it had ended there and I never woke up again.
But of course I did.
And I woke up with the idea that I should ask UPS man out. All that stuff happened for a reason (I will eventually get to that reason).
So. I decided I was going to ask UPS man to the mid Autumn Lantern Festival.
I got to work and opened up Facebook and started to get shaky hand syndrome. Heart was racing like I did when the UPS van pulled up but it was only fake UPS man.
12pm rolls around and I compose a simple message:
Hey.....uhm.... do you wanna go to a mid-autumn lantern festival tonight?
It took me an hour to hit send.
Someone stop me from doing this. Someone stop me from doing this. Kept repeating in my head.
But nobody stopped me and I sent it.
The self help book that Dave had given me after our break up told me. If you are having trouble making a decision or deciding what to do, ask yourself. 'What is the worse thing that can happen, and will you be able to accept that?'
And I said.... Well.... the worst thing that could happen is he would say he's already got plans, or worst worst case No, I'm not Interested" And... I would be sad for a little bit but I would get better.
So I sent it.
Jeff's reply was:
Hey I would like to but I've got daughters ....... and a girlfriend
Thanks tho. You're a real sweet girl Corinna
....... No C, you were wrong. That is the worst thing that could have happened.
He has a fucking girlfriend?!!!
I could not stop saying WOW for a good 10 minutes yesterday.
HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND
Is this a normal fucking thing to do? For a guy to seemingly flirt almost every time he sees her, tell her she looks nice, or tell her dress is nice, or find out her name and address or pull over in the middle of Jasper and stop and give her candy? But have a girlfriend in the back pocket?
Shit C, he's just really really friendly.
Well FUCK YOU friendly. You can go be friendly to someone else.
On Friday. I didn't have class or work. I had the whole day off and no plans. So I was just gonna loaf around the entire day.
But then the chain reaction started.
I decided I was going to go donate blood. So I got ready and heading over to the clinic. On the way down to catch the train I bumped into brother F. Wow. Kinda random. I've never bumped into my brother before even though we live and work quite close. So anyways I get to the Donor Clinic and get my veins on. They work! Horray! I sit and eat soup for who knows how long. Get up and leave and while waiting for the train to go back. I bump into brother T. Whoa. Now that is really weird. 2 brothers in the same day. It kinda spooked me and I was thinking what else was gonna happen today !
Anways, I eventually get on the train to go to Londonderry. More specifically to McDonalds because I was on the prowl for the last Hello Kitty Toy. I get off the train and JUST miss the bus. DANG, now I gotta wait 15 mintues for the next bus. Oh well whatever. So time dwaddles on and I get to Londonderry. McDonalds does not have the toy I am looking for so I book it outta there. I'm leaving Londonderry and I see my bus coming. I'm not going to make it, its a red light.
OH FUCK IT.
And I ran. And of course I caught the bus and made it to the train station in record timing. As I'm on the train heading back downtown I see some Golden Arches right before I pull into Stadium Station.
So.
I decide to get off.
I get off and walk to the McDonalds and there is a new Hello Kitty Toy there !!!
Excitedly I walk back and I hear the train coming.
I book it again but this time I don't catch the train. So. I'm sitting there waiting. With my bags and my Happy Meal, and I'm deciding how to get to gramma's next. I could get off at Central Station and catch the bus on Jasper because there are more busses there. Or I could get off at Churchill and wait for the one bus that comes there. The train comes and I get on. Still can't decide. Finally I figure getting off at Churchill will be faster. So I get off.
But.
Instead of walking to the bus stop to catch the bus.
I decide to walk to my grandparent's place instead
And during that walk, which so many decisions and timings and missed busses lead me to,
I bumped into UPS man.
I walked almost right past him because I didn't recognize him. I took out an earphone in case he wanted to chat, and I heard him motion to his friends to go on ahead and he would catch up.
And we chatted for a bit.
He asked why I wasn't at work and I told him I didn't work anymore. That I was back in school.
He laughed and said, "You quit because I stopped showing up right!"
And I panicked and laughed and said maybe.
He told me they had just finished some hearing at the ASA building about demolishing some historical buildings, yadda yadda. We talked about his broken hip. And then that was it.
He left and I left the other way
I thought. Holy Shit. How did that just happen. That After 3 months of not seeing UPS man I bump into him here. And I was really kick ass happy. It was a really good day. I went and saw my grandparents and had my happy meal and then went to the studio and started sewing the yellow ranger hoodie. It really was a good day!
It really was a good day
It was a good day if it had ended there and I never woke up again.
But of course I did.
And I woke up with the idea that I should ask UPS man out. All that stuff happened for a reason (I will eventually get to that reason).
So. I decided I was going to ask UPS man to the mid Autumn Lantern Festival.
I got to work and opened up Facebook and started to get shaky hand syndrome. Heart was racing like I did when the UPS van pulled up but it was only fake UPS man.
12pm rolls around and I compose a simple message:
Hey.....uhm.... do you wanna go to a mid-autumn lantern festival tonight?
It took me an hour to hit send.
Someone stop me from doing this. Someone stop me from doing this. Kept repeating in my head.
But nobody stopped me and I sent it.
The self help book that Dave had given me after our break up told me. If you are having trouble making a decision or deciding what to do, ask yourself. 'What is the worse thing that can happen, and will you be able to accept that?'
And I said.... Well.... the worst thing that could happen is he would say he's already got plans, or worst worst case No, I'm not Interested" And... I would be sad for a little bit but I would get better.
So I sent it.
Jeff's reply was:
Hey I would like to but I've got daughters ....... and a girlfriend
Thanks tho. You're a real sweet girl Corinna
....... No C, you were wrong. That is the worst thing that could have happened.
He has a fucking girlfriend?!!!
I could not stop saying WOW for a good 10 minutes yesterday.
HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND
Is this a normal fucking thing to do? For a guy to seemingly flirt almost every time he sees her, tell her she looks nice, or tell her dress is nice, or find out her name and address or pull over in the middle of Jasper and stop and give her candy? But have a girlfriend in the back pocket?
Shit C, he's just really really friendly.
Well FUCK YOU friendly. You can go be friendly to someone else.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
I Fucked Up
I Fucked Up, You Guys.
I shouldn't have messages UPS Man. I'm can feel myself slipping into the sadness again.
He didn't message me back and I feel absolutely horrible. I few stupid and I'm constantly wondering why. I thought he wanted to get to know me. He always said nice things to me when I saw him at work. So what happened? Did he think I was a loser? Did he think I was immature? I feel sad and stupid.
I feel sad that he would judge me based on my Facebook life and he didn't even try to get to know me.
I feel immensely sad. Sad and stupid all over again. I'm not supposed to let those kind of guys get to me anymore. If they aren't willing to invest time in me, then they aren't worth my time either.
But I feel sad and can't stop thinking. He must think I'm a huge loser.
What a meanie.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Shit
shit. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiit.
The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.
Ugh.
So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.
Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.
If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.
Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.
The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.
Ugh.
So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.
Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.
If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.
Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
So.
I think I'm not supposed to ask UPS Man out.
I keep trying and trying and trying and I just feel like something is preventing me.
Ever since.... I don't even know when, the one day where I suddenly realized I liked him is the day it all started going downhill.
I've been trying for the last 2 months to ask him out. He had asked me out for coffee previously a couple times, and my coworkers always say he's flirting with me. In June, right after I got back from Vancouver is when shit started going down. That day after he gave me candy at the bus stop, I decided I was going to ask him to The Works Festival. And of course, the following 3 days he never came to drop off parcels. 2 weeks went by and other UPS guys started coming in. I'm under the assumption he went on vacation with his kids.
Strike 1.
He finally came back and I saw him once.
The next week I decided, I was going to ask him to go to K-Days. K-Days lasts for 10 days, he normally comes 3 times a week. I've got great chances right?
Wrong.
10 days went by and not only did I not see UPS Man, I never even saw the shadow of a van.
I felt super sad last Friday.
Strike 2.
K-Days is over and a couple of my friends are still telling me to go for it. Ask him to Heritage Days, they said.
Oh I will. Just you see.
So. He came on Monday.
The catch?
I didn't work on Monday. Because I covered for someone on Sunday.
I think I'm not supposed to ask UPS Man out.
I keep trying and trying and trying and I just feel like something is preventing me.
Ever since.... I don't even know when, the one day where I suddenly realized I liked him is the day it all started going downhill.
I've been trying for the last 2 months to ask him out. He had asked me out for coffee previously a couple times, and my coworkers always say he's flirting with me. In June, right after I got back from Vancouver is when shit started going down. That day after he gave me candy at the bus stop, I decided I was going to ask him to The Works Festival. And of course, the following 3 days he never came to drop off parcels. 2 weeks went by and other UPS guys started coming in. I'm under the assumption he went on vacation with his kids.
Strike 1.
He finally came back and I saw him once.
The next week I decided, I was going to ask him to go to K-Days. K-Days lasts for 10 days, he normally comes 3 times a week. I've got great chances right?
Wrong.
10 days went by and not only did I not see UPS Man, I never even saw the shadow of a van.
I felt super sad last Friday.
Strike 2.
K-Days is over and a couple of my friends are still telling me to go for it. Ask him to Heritage Days, they said.
Oh I will. Just you see.
So. He came on Monday.
The catch?
I didn't work on Monday. Because I covered for someone on Sunday.
Today, I saw a jewelry order shipping notice come in and knew that UPS would deliver it today or tomorrow. All day my GM was asking me if the jewelry came in. "I expressed it so it should be here ASAP!!"
3pm rolls by and I hear the screech and breaks of the UPS van. I actually panicked for a brief couple seconds.
This is it. What are you gonna say to him? The same shit you've been talking to yourself about every single day?
Whatever just wing it and see what happens.
I look up and see an untucked uniform.
It's a different UPS man.
I wanted to laugh but I wanted to cry even more. I told a bunch of friends and they laughed and thought it was funny. I thought I was going to cry again.
I keep trying to persuade myself that it's a coincidence, a coincidence. Every new week I say I'll try again. And again. And again.
I think I need to accept that I'm not meant to ask UPS Man out.
I think I'll end up hurting again because I already do and I have no idea of the type of person he is.
I really, truly, genuinely wish I didn't turn into such a pathetic person as soon as I like someone.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Super super bummed guys.
It's Friday and guess what. No UPS man.
He normally comes like 3 times a week to deliver things. And of course the week I decide to ask him out again is the week he doesn't come at all.
It's not fun at all.
I feel like crying. Who thinks this is funny doesn't really how shitty this makes me feel. It took me a long long long time to get over Dave. A long time and I almost killed myself. Almost over dosed on sleeping pills. Then you sent Ponyboy to me to fuck things up even more. Sent me a fucking fuckboy to help me get better. Then you sent me Weird Awkward Guy. WAG who fucked with my head so hard I relapsed and had a break down at work.
This isn't fun.
I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want someone to spend time with. But not take over my life.
But I know the only person I should rely on to keep me happy is myself and when I'm dating I turn into an idiot
This makes me so very sad.
It's Friday and guess what. No UPS man.
He normally comes like 3 times a week to deliver things. And of course the week I decide to ask him out again is the week he doesn't come at all.
It's not fun at all.
I feel like crying. Who thinks this is funny doesn't really how shitty this makes me feel. It took me a long long long time to get over Dave. A long time and I almost killed myself. Almost over dosed on sleeping pills. Then you sent Ponyboy to me to fuck things up even more. Sent me a fucking fuckboy to help me get better. Then you sent me Weird Awkward Guy. WAG who fucked with my head so hard I relapsed and had a break down at work.
This isn't fun.
I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want someone to spend time with. But not take over my life.
But I know the only person I should rely on to keep me happy is myself and when I'm dating I turn into an idiot
This makes me so very sad.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
What the Mint Chocolate Chip
This is just the most frustrating thing ever.
Every time something comes up that I think about asking UPS man to, HE STOPS COMING IN.
I dunno what to do guys. It's getting stupid. I'm getting stupid.
Seriously what the fuck. It's just super annoying because it just feels like someone is messing with me. All the fucking time.
Is someone trying to tell me something? Is asking UPS man out going to ruin my life? Jesus Christ, if so just fucking say so and stop fucking with my head like this.
A million sign seem to be telling me don't do this, C. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
I just wanna go to K-days with a cute boy. What's wrong with letting me have that.
Every time something comes up that I think about asking UPS man to, HE STOPS COMING IN.
I dunno what to do guys. It's getting stupid. I'm getting stupid.
Seriously what the fuck. It's just super annoying because it just feels like someone is messing with me. All the fucking time.
Is someone trying to tell me something? Is asking UPS man out going to ruin my life? Jesus Christ, if so just fucking say so and stop fucking with my head like this.
A million sign seem to be telling me don't do this, C. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
I just wanna go to K-days with a cute boy. What's wrong with letting me have that.
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Lack of Sympathy?
Studiomate and I got into a deep argument yesterday over Fashion World Politics.
She said I don't understand and I think she doesn't see what I see.
It's deep.
I can't tell if I'm being naïve and thinking I'm innocent because I'm not involved in the Edmonton Fashion Industry the way she is. I like doing small markets and being friendly and only having to worry about one design at a time. I don't have to worry about collections or schedules or stepping on peoples toes.
Recently a friend of G's moved back to Edmonton from London. And since then shes 'opened her eyes' about how wrong Edmonton's take on Local Fashion is. Consignment only and high consignment rates. Designers are basically being gouged. And that I believe is true, and why I don't want to sell at stores anymore. But G and I are walking down 2 different paths. She's a name in the Edmonton Fashion Scene, she knows Important People, she's looking at fashion from an Industry perspective. I don't. So I think we don't see eye to eye on certain things in this aspect.
Since London moved back to Edmonton, I've been non-stop hearing G complain about how this is wrong and that is wrong and Designers are being screwed. Bev this and Bev that. This is how its done in London and so on and so on.
I want to say. We are not in Fucking London. And I don't know if that is the wrong take on this.
G has been going on and on and on about how things have to change in the Edmonton Fashion Scene... and yet.... She isn't willing to change....
So. Couple weeks ago G got approached by a clothing store in Edmonton to partake in a charity auction event. Designers are to proved the clothing store 2 dresses. 1 for a Local Celebrity to wear and be bid on. The highest bidder then wins the 2nd dress made to their size, as well as a pop up shop day at the clothing store. It's actually a ridiculous prize if you think about it. The designer really has nothing to gain and the clothing store gets positive press, and commission from the sales of the pop up shop, while the designer loses 2 garments, time and money. I thought that was BS. Yes. We agreed on that.
But somehow G got suckered into doing it. After much persuasion she finally said okay and decided to donate 2 dresses from several seasons ago. 2 dresses that have been sitting here not moving. And now I've been hearing her huff and puff about it. London was also asked to partake in this event and sent an email to the clothing store organizers asked 'Just exactly what do the designers get from this event? We lose money on giving away not one but two free garments, so how is this beneficial to us?" The answer was, you get lots of press, and important people will be seen wearing your designs.
G was talking to London on speaker phone on Monday and they both laughed. 'Wooooo, who's going to be there? The Metro Paper?!! lololol" And... I just.... what do you expect. I didn't understand why they thought press was nothing. I mean, it certainly isn't a gold medal prize but that paper gets around just as much as the EJ. And then the next shock came to me. The clothing store contacted G and told her that the mayor's wife called in and requested to wear G's design. Whoa. That's pretty big and cool and Awesome. But then, while G and London were talking, G kept saying how she didn't think London should do the event and back out, and she wished more people would back out. London said G should back out too, but G's answer was 'If it was anyone else but the mayor's wife, I would back out in a heart beat'.
I was really surprised.
She was copping out.
Telling people not to do the event, not to do the event, not to do the event. But oh no wait, I'm going to do the event.
She is hands down currently London's biggest supporter, but from someone else's perspective it would seem quite the opposite. I don't think she has once, during this entire event let the clothing store know of her displeasure, or sent an email back agreeing with what London had to say. She kept her mouth quite and out of the battle.
Her argument to me was You Don't Understand.
If I back out I'm going to slap all these people in the faces. This clothing store has been there for me and helped me out. They are important people. Me backing out would be the equivalent of saying FUCK YOU to them. I would never be able to show my face in the Edmonton's Fashion Scene again.
You Don't Understand
I thought about this all night yesterday. And I can't tell what is the right thing to do.
G is always talking about a movement to change the fashion industry here in Edmonton. But the way I see it, she has never been willing to make a move herself. Never voicing her opinion aloud or to anyone else but me and London.
It takes one person to start a movement.You shouldn't complain if you aren't willing to do something yourself.
She said I don't understand and I think she doesn't see what I see.
It's deep.
I can't tell if I'm being naïve and thinking I'm innocent because I'm not involved in the Edmonton Fashion Industry the way she is. I like doing small markets and being friendly and only having to worry about one design at a time. I don't have to worry about collections or schedules or stepping on peoples toes.
Recently a friend of G's moved back to Edmonton from London. And since then shes 'opened her eyes' about how wrong Edmonton's take on Local Fashion is. Consignment only and high consignment rates. Designers are basically being gouged. And that I believe is true, and why I don't want to sell at stores anymore. But G and I are walking down 2 different paths. She's a name in the Edmonton Fashion Scene, she knows Important People, she's looking at fashion from an Industry perspective. I don't. So I think we don't see eye to eye on certain things in this aspect.
Since London moved back to Edmonton, I've been non-stop hearing G complain about how this is wrong and that is wrong and Designers are being screwed. Bev this and Bev that. This is how its done in London and so on and so on.
I want to say. We are not in Fucking London. And I don't know if that is the wrong take on this.
G has been going on and on and on about how things have to change in the Edmonton Fashion Scene... and yet.... She isn't willing to change....
So. Couple weeks ago G got approached by a clothing store in Edmonton to partake in a charity auction event. Designers are to proved the clothing store 2 dresses. 1 for a Local Celebrity to wear and be bid on. The highest bidder then wins the 2nd dress made to their size, as well as a pop up shop day at the clothing store. It's actually a ridiculous prize if you think about it. The designer really has nothing to gain and the clothing store gets positive press, and commission from the sales of the pop up shop, while the designer loses 2 garments, time and money. I thought that was BS. Yes. We agreed on that.
But somehow G got suckered into doing it. After much persuasion she finally said okay and decided to donate 2 dresses from several seasons ago. 2 dresses that have been sitting here not moving. And now I've been hearing her huff and puff about it. London was also asked to partake in this event and sent an email to the clothing store organizers asked 'Just exactly what do the designers get from this event? We lose money on giving away not one but two free garments, so how is this beneficial to us?" The answer was, you get lots of press, and important people will be seen wearing your designs.
G was talking to London on speaker phone on Monday and they both laughed. 'Wooooo, who's going to be there? The Metro Paper?!! lololol" And... I just.... what do you expect. I didn't understand why they thought press was nothing. I mean, it certainly isn't a gold medal prize but that paper gets around just as much as the EJ. And then the next shock came to me. The clothing store contacted G and told her that the mayor's wife called in and requested to wear G's design. Whoa. That's pretty big and cool and Awesome. But then, while G and London were talking, G kept saying how she didn't think London should do the event and back out, and she wished more people would back out. London said G should back out too, but G's answer was 'If it was anyone else but the mayor's wife, I would back out in a heart beat'.
I was really surprised.
She was copping out.
Telling people not to do the event, not to do the event, not to do the event. But oh no wait, I'm going to do the event.
She is hands down currently London's biggest supporter, but from someone else's perspective it would seem quite the opposite. I don't think she has once, during this entire event let the clothing store know of her displeasure, or sent an email back agreeing with what London had to say. She kept her mouth quite and out of the battle.
Her argument to me was You Don't Understand.
If I back out I'm going to slap all these people in the faces. This clothing store has been there for me and helped me out. They are important people. Me backing out would be the equivalent of saying FUCK YOU to them. I would never be able to show my face in the Edmonton's Fashion Scene again.
You Don't Understand
I thought about this all night yesterday. And I can't tell what is the right thing to do.
G is always talking about a movement to change the fashion industry here in Edmonton. But the way I see it, she has never been willing to make a move herself. Never voicing her opinion aloud or to anyone else but me and London.
It takes one person to start a movement.You shouldn't complain if you aren't willing to do something yourself.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Bummer Man
UPS Man is growing on me :(
I know because I felt a little sad when he didn't show up today.
I've been thinking a bit since that day my co-workers creeped him on FB and I'm not sure why but suddenly I started getting nervous when I had to talk to him. Last week when I came back from Vancouver I gave him a small package of the Strawberry Crunch and Aero chocolate bars. On Monday he asked me where I got them from and laughed and told him Vancouver.
Didn't think anything of it.
On Tuesday I left work early for a doctor's appointment. While waiting at the bus stop, UPS Guy pulls up and stops to chat, then gives me candy! Reciprocation. So of course, I got really excited and got the stupid brain thinking. If I see him this week I'll ask him if he wants to hang out. If not, its a sign and not meant to be.
I'm gonna ask him out.
YEAH.
I'M GONNA ASK UPS MAN OUT !!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE UPS MAN I'M GONNA ASK THAT GUY OUT.
YEAH !!!!!!
So, not only did I not see him the rest of the week, someone other UPS guy came in today.
It was like a mean, mean joke.
I know because I felt a little sad when he didn't show up today.
I've been thinking a bit since that day my co-workers creeped him on FB and I'm not sure why but suddenly I started getting nervous when I had to talk to him. Last week when I came back from Vancouver I gave him a small package of the Strawberry Crunch and Aero chocolate bars. On Monday he asked me where I got them from and laughed and told him Vancouver.
Didn't think anything of it.
On Tuesday I left work early for a doctor's appointment. While waiting at the bus stop, UPS Guy pulls up and stops to chat, then gives me candy! Reciprocation. So of course, I got really excited and got the stupid brain thinking. If I see him this week I'll ask him if he wants to hang out. If not, its a sign and not meant to be.
I'm gonna ask him out.
YEAH.
I'M GONNA ASK UPS MAN OUT !!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE UPS MAN I'M GONNA ASK THAT GUY OUT.
YEAH !!!!!!
So, not only did I not see him the rest of the week, someone other UPS guy came in today.
It was like a mean, mean joke.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Your Hair Looks Nice
UPS Man told me my hair looked nice today.
I think I have a crush on him now.....
We'll. It's been a crush in building. He reminds me of Kevin Spacey who I have a mad crush on after watching American Beauty and The Usual Suspects.
Anyhow, he always chats with me when he comes in.
And did I mention he's cute?
I think I have a crush on him now.....
We'll. It's been a crush in building. He reminds me of Kevin Spacey who I have a mad crush on after watching American Beauty and The Usual Suspects.
Anyhow, he always chats with me when he comes in.
And did I mention he's cute?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
A Perfect Date
Weird things happen when you least expect it.
It's been a while since I last posted, and I only post things when my heart hurts, or something unusual happens that makes me feel special.
So I went to Vancouver last week for a small vacation and to visit Iris and maybe catch up with a few other friends. I didn't have any plans set in stone except to do a little shopping. Very little because I only brought a small carry-on. I came back yesterday and I'll have to say it was a really nice vacation. I didn't have an itinerary or anything so I never felt rushed, and didn't have to wake up to an alarm clock. It was nice.
And something I wasn't expecting to happen, happened.
I may have developed a small crush on the old Office Weirdo. He moved back to Vancouver the week I went to Japan and we still keep in touch. He's super weird but also just like me. And we get along really well. Anyhow, I let him know I was coming to town so we met up on Tuesday Night. He came and picked me up at the Waterfront Station and gave me a big hug, opened the car door for me and then took me to his favorite pizza place for a quick bite. Then he drove to North Vancouver and took us to a hidden little spot right underneath the Lions Gate Bridge by the waterside, pulled out blankets, built a small fire and then roasted s'mores. It was a super amazing view and really, really sweet. The funnier thing is he bought a Kinder Surprise and inside was little toy ring.
Straight out of a Romance Novel, right?
It's been a while since I last posted, and I only post things when my heart hurts, or something unusual happens that makes me feel special.
So I went to Vancouver last week for a small vacation and to visit Iris and maybe catch up with a few other friends. I didn't have any plans set in stone except to do a little shopping. Very little because I only brought a small carry-on. I came back yesterday and I'll have to say it was a really nice vacation. I didn't have an itinerary or anything so I never felt rushed, and didn't have to wake up to an alarm clock. It was nice.
And something I wasn't expecting to happen, happened.
I may have developed a small crush on the old Office Weirdo. He moved back to Vancouver the week I went to Japan and we still keep in touch. He's super weird but also just like me. And we get along really well. Anyhow, I let him know I was coming to town so we met up on Tuesday Night. He came and picked me up at the Waterfront Station and gave me a big hug, opened the car door for me and then took me to his favorite pizza place for a quick bite. Then he drove to North Vancouver and took us to a hidden little spot right underneath the Lions Gate Bridge by the waterside, pulled out blankets, built a small fire and then roasted s'mores. It was a super amazing view and really, really sweet. The funnier thing is he bought a Kinder Surprise and inside was little toy ring.
Straight out of a Romance Novel, right?
Thursday, March 05, 2015
Saturday, February 07, 2015
I forgot
When I went to have dinner with Andrew that night at Japonais Bistro, I was so preoccupied that I forgot to take a photo of my food. That's never happened before :(
Monday, February 02, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
But I miss Andrew.
Well, I miss the little attention he gave me anyways.
Do I regret saying goodbye. .......
No.
No I dont. He was mean and inconsiderate. I really hope that wasn't his intention and he really was Weird Awkward Guy but he hurt me a lot.
When I think back to everything that happened and didn't happen, this was exactly what would have happened eventually. The ball was always, always, always in your court. You just never played. You would send me risky photos and only reply back when it was convenient for you or if we talked about sex. Never a serious conversation. You always said you were shy and never talked about yourself and of course I couldn't believe you. You were such a contradiction. You always left me hanging and waiting and never saw the necessity to reply back to me and acted like nothing happened after you blew me off. After dinner the one time we met you just walked awy from me in the parking lot without even saying good bye and that stunned me. Maybe you really are completely oblivious, but even if so, you aren't what I needed. Even if I pretended you were.
Maya said you were a nice guy. I just wish you could have extended the same courtesy towards me as you did her.
Even though it hurts so much, I'm glad I found the strength to let you go.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Comfort Zone
I stepped out of my comfort zone by deciding to chase a guy that was the exact opposite of me. Someone who was the reverse image of the last person I dated. I thought it would be different. I thought I could learn more and grow.
It turned out they weren't very different after all.
They were all liars.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Now it's called Concealed Depression, eh?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html?utm_hp_ref=canada-living&ir=Canada%20Living
"Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it's difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so."
Did you hear that you numbskull.
"Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it's difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so."
Did you hear that you numbskull.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
One Trip a Year
Once a year I have a really bad week and start talking sleeping pills again, then I have a really worrisome experience and trip, and put the pills away for the year.
I had a conversation with B on Monday night while the sleeping pills were kicking in and this is what the convo went like. A little bit alarming, no?
I told him I would take the pulls until Friday and stop.
The following night I ate an entire bag of kitkat bites, had 2 full conversations with friends via text and replied 6 times to a post my friend put on my wall.
I remember almost none of this.
So at the caution of a couple friends, I put the Zopiclone away. Now I'm just hoping I can get a good night's rest normally.
Take care, everybody.
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