Hi

Hi all. So much trouble sleeping these past few weeks. You guys every watch that episode of Star Trek where nobody achieves REM sleep, and they start to go insane because of it? You think thats real? Hahaha i hope not, i dont recall having any dreams for like the past year. I was going to write another complainer blog about how i can't fall asleep but whatever. Just one thing to mention. AhCong got a haircut. He looks like a 17year old boy.... So cute! Hahahahah HES ACTUALLY 26 OKAY !!

Lives in Strange Central

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not religious, and why I don't believe in a God or anything. Other times it's absolutely clear. This week as been one of those times when it's been crystal clear. I don't believe in god because he gives me no reason to do so. It fricken makes me want to die when I see rude little shits spending their parents money on gucci bags and gucci shoes not having to worry about their life because everythings already been set in stone. And then you go and compare it with people who try hard everyday in life, but just can't get ahead because no one gives them a break. It makes me sick. Fucking sick. I just dont understand. How could you have cancer? You're how old? I just don't fucking believe.... that if there really was a god, that he would have the heart to put someone through even half as much shit as you've been through. useless....

new year doesn't bring anything new

or anything really good actually for that matter.
Long, day today. So the annual CNY Banquet was today. Long story about that. This was the year that it was supposed to be a 10 person table full of all our friends. Somehow, fate threw in a pebble and messed it all up. I had 4 tickets for me, jess, ling and ben. a week b4 the banquet, and ben gets laid off, so he gives up his ticket. few days later, jess' grandpa in ottawa passes away, and she gives up her ticket. 2 more days later and ling gets a kidney infection and gets admitted into the hospital. Down to just me. sigh. What are the chances ey? I ended up asking the entire China crew, and managed to get Lisa and Shane to come. goot goot.
bat-bat. Banquet day arrives, i work lunch till 5pm, and then Shane is supposed 2 come pick me up at 5 30. At 12 00pm, my contact tears a tiny tear. Crap.what are the friggen chances. I've never tore a contact in my life before. The stupid thing is, i ran out of contacts at home, but only TWO DAYS prior, i was at WEM and i said EXACTLY: hmm... maybe i should pick up some contacts..... naaaaw, this pair is brand new it'll last for a while. Fuck me in the asshole what are the chances. So anyways. i decided that i'd take off work at 4PM catch the 100# to WEM pick up a new pair, and then catch the 100# back in time for shane to pick me up. Jeebus, right at 4pm all these customers came in, and they all seemed to want to keep me from leaving. I didn't leave kyoto till 4 20, and i realized that I wouldn't be able to make it to WEM and back by 5 30. So i just stuck around for 2 hours. at 5 30 shane blakely still was not here. I called him and he told me he was at home ironing his shirt. Reason number 53 why i dont like that guy, is because he's always late. At 6pm he still wasn't here, and i called again. If your gonna be late gimme a call or something please. I coulda made it to WEM and back. Right before i changed into my dress, my contact tore right in half and it made my eye water like a bitch. So i took it out and just went w/ one contact for the next 5 hours. Painful yes. I can't believe I didn't die. *sigh*
i miss jess and ling and iris and cathy. just not the same
.....on a completely different side note. Tara's BF came for the first year. Him and mister blakely got along extremely well. scary because they both seem to be so opinionated. But anyways, i was my normal self i'm pretty sure, and shane was his normal self, and we were our normal selves. Right after shane left, josh turns and asks me, *so whats the deal between you guys you two sleep together?* WHOA,WHAT??! i was NOT expecting that question, and i was like NO! he might look like that kinda guy, but i'm not that kinda girl. *oh really? no nothing, sorry i just thought that you guys did it once in awhile cuz it kinda feels that way* .....seriously???? HOW? i never realized that thats what people who sleep around are like....

you are my waterloo

Today is February 1st.
Fuck me, i'm screwed. Today is the deadline for applications to Parsons, the Design school in NY that I wanted to apply to. I didn't send in an application. Why didn't I? I dunno. I was scared, and i procrastinated. First thing was, it required a portfolio. I actually *started* working on it in late december, planning out what I wanted to do, stuff like that. Then all this stuff started happening. my gramma went to the hospital, Jess moved out, Kyoto closed down and then re opened. Stuff just kept on happening. And then in January I finally started to put together my canvases. I actually stretched and primed them. And.... and then i just stopped. Fuck. i just lost my ambition. At first i was all *yeah lets get working*. And then i started laying in bed, thinking to myself. What the fuck, i'm not going to get in. All throughout university my instructors have told me that I can't draw, and I can't paint. I tried for 4 years to get into the BFA and i never even got considered once. How the fuck am I supposed to get accepted into New Yorks top design school? why the fuck of all things did they need a portfolio. And so i never started my portfolio. And my parents thing i submited my applications and everything. And i dont even know what to tell them. My parents put too much faith in me, and all i really am is a lying failure. My dad said to me *go apply wherever you want to go, don't be afraid, I know you'll get in* And when he said that i wanted to cry right there. Because he has so much faith and confidence in me, and i dont think i'm any good. So i didn't even try because I was scared that i was going to get rejected, and i wouldn't know what to do. But now that the deadlines passed. I'm still fucked. NOW what do I tell them.

some please help me. i'm at a point where i'm completely lost and i have no idea where to go or what to do. more than anything i need direction to set be back on the path that i've wandered from.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Aaaaah, i haven't been this happy in a long time. Kehkeh-keh. I received a scholarship today! aaaaah i'm really happy, hahaha i read the letter like 6 times already. I completely forgot about it, and even when i was opening the letter I wasn't expecting it. It was addressed from the board of education or soemthing, and i thought that it was just going to say that I was eligible to graduate or something. But i opened it and read the letter and there was a 1000$ cheque inside. Aaaaah you guys have no idea how that made me feel. Hahaha not because of the money but because it made me feel pretty smart. Yeaaaah i know $1000 scholarship isn't very much compared to what other people get but it made me pretty happy. Because I worked really hard last year, and i honestly think i earned it. Last year was the first year where i was registered in 2 full course load semesters, AND working at the same time. Kept me busy, and i really earned it. At first i didn't really think a 3.4 GPA was very high, i always hear ppl get higher.... but when i think about it.... it's pretty damn good. Its really a confidence booster and makes me feel smart (something that i haven't felt in a long time) Hahahah- aaaaaah on cloud 9 here. yaaaaay!

just blank

don't really know what to write about today. But its been awhile. yaaap. I went over to Tara's today for secretsanta part-ay. Hahahah there was so much junk food. aaaaawesome. Anyums, just wanna drop a few lines. I'm doing okay, but at the same time not really. I'm not crying or anything anymore so thats all good. But I find that i'm talking to myself alot more.... and it sounds like I'm talking to a second person now.....it's kinda scarying me, but like i say things aloud like *fuck off* or *leave me alone* or *get the hell outta here*. When i'm just sitting at home by myself . I didn't think it was anything before, but i do it A LOT right now. like several times an hour if i'm by msyelf. And even sometimes when felix is here, and he gives me weird looks. freaaaaaak I need some help. le SIGH. Isnt it ironic how the one that people worry the least about is the one that needs the most help? I just hide my problems so well that they all rack up. and here's my faggity brother, probably just being a stubborn little cunt having people worry the shit outta themselves for him. aaaaah sucks.

But aside from THAT i think i'm doin okay. yup yup. i stopped taking sleeping meds and all that fun stuff. Aaaaand I stopped stalking him. hahah because literally I was. I still think about him a lot but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Its all good. but Yaaah what can i do. He's not even a very nice guy, i don't even know why i like him so much. He's pretty selfcentered, all he thinks about is getting laid, he's snobby, he doesn't care about others, he's kinda gross, hes actually kinda scary looking, he contradicts himself, hes a JERK hahah um...what else? he dresses kinda weird too.... hahah i'm not gonna list the things that i still like about him cuz i've done that before and its gotten me no where...but OH HEY!! i seen BARLEY today! hahaha i went to SSKyoto to pick up some sushi and right when i got inside, he came in too.. hahah ROCK ON! aaaaaah okay i think this is getting a decent length now. I'm gonna go and read soe of my previous happier posts and then read some other peoples blogs cuz i'm nosy like that.

New Day, New Start

Hey pookies. How ya'll doing? Unemployment sucks. I have so much free time on my hands I dont even know what to do with it. c-r-a-z-y. So yeah, i took some pictures, and uploaded one. This is me being silly. Trying to look pretty. This is what i wore to the charity auction yesterday. I liked my outfit. I like the top that I bought. But anyums, I wore a black flowy top, with a bow that tied up in the back. If someone was holding the camera for me I woulda took a back shot. Hahaha, then i wore the tights i bought in HK with the beads and bow ties. And my white shoes and pearls completes the look. One of my favorite *styles* is to wear almost everything in one color (usually black) and then a focal point/ shot of color somewhere. It looks really sharp. Guys who do this win my heart. yeh yeah. My hair looks better here than it did yesterday. Um... oh yeah, so change of pace today. I've been ranting a lot lately but I thought I'd mix it up and make this a happy entry by JUST commenting on the stuff that happened in the past few days that made me happy :)

Okay... i just wrote this giant entry on stuff that happened but i realized theres only really one thing that made me really happy this week and that I really want to comment on. Here goes...

On Friday the guy I like told me I looked pretty and kissed me on the head..... :) It makes me smile whenever I think about it.... Yeah i know i'm totally contradicting the entry i wrote yesterday, but its true. I don't expect anything from that because i know all we're ever gonna be is mutual friends... but its just one of those things that makes a girl happy. He was like an hour and a half late, and when i finally seen him show up, i pretended not to see him and started talking to my other friend. I heard him start introducing his friend and then when he got to me he gave me a hug from behind, told me i looked pretty and kissed me on my head..... not in a romantic gesture, but a friendly one. i just realized now what happened....haha. It was just something unexpected thats all. But like I said it was pretty much like before we met. I just want to get some distance between us is all. I didn't talk to him all night, but he came and sat down next to me and asked how i was doing. So yeah, back to square one i guess, cept that everytime i see him its not. hahaha. But, yeah, i'm gonna keep on saying this till I'm all good again. Distance is good. I'm not gonna go to the library just to visit him or sign in to msn just to see if he'll talk to me. gotta get back to normal corinna-mode.

i hurt.....

.... i just dont get it.... when i really want to see him, i dont. And then, the one time i dont want to see him, i do. its frustrating....I'm just REALLY trying 2 get past him right now. And, i was actually doing pretty well. T called me up to tell me waht time the party started. And then she said *oh btw so-and-so is coming*..... and i paused n said something in an unexcited voice. I just.... its one of those times when, your not angry at someone...but you dont want to see them, because seeing them makes you feel sad. And.... and he doesn't even know it. Yeah, i dont think it was that bad though.... kinda like before we knew each other when he'd sit over there, and i'd sit over here. And not talk. Just what i wanted right? But, it still felt sad when he left though. Frig i dont even know why. And THEN there was the whole deal with the event tonight too. I was pretty excited about getting 2 go to a semi-formal event. I haven't been to one in a long time. Me and Iris and Cathy used to go do stuff like that once a month. Watch ballet, go out 2 eat at pretty restaraunts.... I missed that. So yeah i was pretty happy 2 go do that again tonight. But like.... i dunno, it was pretty good at first, being dressed up, but like... the settings weren't the same. And..... i just miss cathy and iris. Cuz we'd sit around and talk and gossip. But here everyone would get up and wander and talk w/ their other friends. And then, after the auctions were all over D was like *hey you guys hungry? wanna go out and grab a bite 2 eat?* and i was up for that cuz i didn't eat supper yet, and thats what iris and cathy would used 2 do after an event too. We'd go over 2 Joey's and eat, and then cathy would go home and me and iris would walk 2 my place where she would probably sleep over. Plus i love food. and being dressed up and going out 2 eat. But after the auction was over everyone went 2 this tiny dance floor 2 dance. And... and i was in that lethargic mood again. And i felt stupid sitting at the table while everyone was dancing, so i went 2 the dance floor. And then i felt even stupider cuz i didn't want 2 dance so i just stood in the corner. I'm such an idiot. So i just ended up giving iris a call. And talking 2 her till everyone decided 2 leave.... oh and yeah, they decided they didn't want to eat, but instead chose 2 go 2 a club. How awesome. Dave gave me a ride home, but i kinda wanted 2 walk, he kept on asking me, and i just gave in cuz i felt bad. I miss my friends because we always want 2 do the same stuff, and we jsut sit and talk about random stuff. I always have a good time and i never leave feeling upset or sad. You guys have no idea....

加油。加油。

周明儿，你听到吗？你一定要加油，不可以再不开心啦。
yeah zhou-minger you got that? no more of this unhappy BS. You too gods up there, stop fuckin around with me and give me some breathing space between each bad day AIGHT. Yeah, so i feel better now. Lets just keep in that way. Right after jess left I got into a arguement with her over something stupid. I got upset, and I cried and hurt myself, then took a bunch of sleeping meds to knock me out so i'd fall asleep right away and not think about anything. I woke up and i felt like crap. went to class and still felt like crap. Sometimes i think its amazing that people can tell I'm down even when theres no chance. At work i can see how, i dont talk obviously. But in an hour long lecture w/ the lights down low, and only the prof's voice, I was really surprised that my classmate knew something was wrong. But i ended up calling shane out to talk.... i ...i REALLY dont know why i called him out of all people.... it was the first time ive seen him since halloween. I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out. I was wrong. He asked me what was wrong, and i started crying....and then we went 2 HUB and it just went downhill from there. FUCK it was so frustrating, there was so much stuff I wanted to say and i couldn't get the words out. I opened my mouth like 50 thousand times and all i got out was *i...i....i dont know...* After all, how is someone supposed 2 help me if I dont tell them whats wrong.... So in the end he said he had to get back to work, because we sat there for an hour and i barely got any words out. Haven't talked to him since. Figure someone would be a little bit more worried about me than that hey? ah whatever. So anyways, I got home and I called tracy out for dinner, but she already ate... so i just went and laid in bed for an hour. Later that night i went online cuz I wanted 2 talk 2 iris or ling. I started 2 tell Ling about my week, and then i decided that Jess should be the one to tell because I feel closer to her. And then.... Jess got angry at me, telling me basically to suck it up and stop moping. Yeah i know its something i should do, but that exact moment in time is not when i needed it. I got so upset my hands started shaking. So i signed out, and my first instinct was to call Iris. I haven't talked to Iris in a really really long time, but she's always there for me. Keep in mind it was like 2AM. So i called her and i was like *is this iris?* "yeah....whats wrong?" ...a providence away and she still knows me.... And... for the first time in my life i just cried and i let everything out. God it was a relief. I told her what happened between me and Jess, and what happened on Halloween and everything after, and I told her about my brothers. The words didn't leave me, and I wasn't scared that iris was going to think i was stupid, and i didn't care that she was hearing me cry. you guys have no idea how much better I felt after that. no idea.... haha but so yeah. That was the start to my month hiatus of work! Hahaha, i went out shopping today, bought some new clothes. I bought a black dressy shirt, its something I dont think I'd ever take a 2nd glance at, but for some reason i picked it up and tried it on, and it looked really nice on me. haha *yay* now i'm just on the hunt for a nice pair of shoes....oh and of course a nice 男朋友。

This is a weird feeling....

it is a very weird feeling I'm feeling right now. I'm still feeling pretty down right now, and its been exactly a week since it first started. This might be the longest its lasted before....but i guess it hasn't lasted exactly a week....I was feeling better yesterday.... ugh. I'm just upset because I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out and tell someone today. But instead, I just sat there.... and I couldn't get the words out. Im just so angry with myself, I have this conversation over and over again countless times with myself, I voice out everything that bothers me. But when I'm finally face to face with someone the words just leave me. I'm upset because life is unfair. I'm lonely. When I want someone to talk to I feel like I have no one. My best friends moved away. My two brothers dont talk to me. Everyone who I used to be so close to now seems so distant. I can't sleep. I'm taking more sleeping medication than I'm supposed to. I cry when I'm depressed. I think crying is weak. I cut myself because the pain takes my mind off things. I like to wander around at 2AM downtown by myself. I dont believe in Fate. I do believe in Fate. I feel like i'm never meant to be happy. When I finally feel like I'm getting a hold of my life, small stupid things come back and remind me. I feel like people dont take me serious. I dont want people to judge me. I dont like it when people misunderstand me and give me dirty looks. I dont want people to think i'm immature and ditzy. I want my parents to be proud of me. When I complain to people sometimes I just want them to listen and not comment. I know i'm far from perfect and thats fine. I want to meet a sweet guy who's not a creep. I want to find a decent job that doesn't make me feel like shit. I want to be praised. I just want to forget about the past and start over. I smile almost every day even though I'm sad because I dont want my frown to bring someone else down. I used to like reading. I hate the notion of time. Life is NOT short, its the longest thing I'll ever endure. I'm jealous of the people who can sleep at night and not worry about stupid things. I wish that I didn't worry about stupid things. I feel like I have nothing that I really excel at. I wish I didn't put others before myself.

I love the feeling of laughing so hard my eyes water. I like looking at the stars at night. I like walking downtown on a brisk night. I like big dogs. I like the smell of roses. I like pretty things. I like lace-y things. I like shoes that make me look like I have long legs. I like the smell of good cologne on a cute guy. I like tall guys. I like stuffed animals. I like going out to eat. I like lounging around with a small group of close friends. I love sewing. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I like being praised. I like ballet. I like sad songs. I like it when I do something silly and i catch my grandpa laughing at me. I like playing with kids. I like making people laugh. I like having lots of energy. I like when people say thank you. I like seeing well mannered children. I like the color pink. I like white shoes. I like seeing guys who know how to dress. I like the unexpected. I like simple jewelry. I like bright lipstick. I like staying up till the crack of dawn talking to a close friend. I like gerbera's. I like going to events as a family. I like dressing up. I like being told I look pretty by someone I like. I like feeling important. I like having good one on one conversations. I like hazelnut chocolate. I like reading books that make me think even after I've finished reading it. I like mysteries. I like sappy love stories. I like walking in the rain with someone you like. I love the feeling of being in the water. I like making desserts. I like sleeping in a comfy bed. I like the feeling of waking up next to someone who cares about you. I like finishing video games all by myself. I like hearing people laugh. I like being kissed.

i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't even fucking breath it hurts so much.

this might be the longest that i've ever been down before. I just can't snap it. i'm sick and tired of work, and working 12 hour shifts. And i'm sick and tired of all this shit happening to me. Its not fair. Stood up for lunch, and brushed off for an exam mark. Stood up for lunch a 2nd time to sleep in. It hurts and i just can't stop thinking about it. Fucking sucks, that the person that started this mess is STILL the only fucking person you can think about. just kill me now please.

what an awesome day

....and by awesome i mean extremely shitty day. So now, i've experienced every type of *date*. Today i got stood up....
I dont even know why i cried. I dont mean anything to him, and he's not supposed to mean anything to me. So why did it hurt. I actually thought that he was gonna do it too. He msged me out of the blue and asked me out for lunch..... to good to be true i shoulda known. I'm such an idiot, i seen it coming so why did i cry. jerk. But whatever, i deserve it. People have been telling me that I should just forget him, and this is what i get for not listening, right. Its good that someone finally slapped me in the face and woke me up. never again....

生日快乐周明儿！！

哈哈。今天。。。。阿不是不是，昨天是我的生日。
Yeaaaah, it was zhou minger's b-day yesterday. another day another year. birthdays get less exciting each year i realized. hahah no happy happy parties.... especially if your birthday coincides with party central day. Day started out bad, then good, then bad, then good. hahah. i had my HSK test today. it was so brutal. I could read like... every 2nd word. I'm so glad i didn't do the intermediate one. dear lord. so then after i went and visited shane in the library, to kill the hour b4 i went to work. Bumped into cynthia there too. hahah fun times fun times. i laughed so hard because we somehow got on the topic of fake teeth. hahahahah and inappropriate times for a tooth to fall out. like hitting your HEAD on the ceiling. hahahahhaha. aaaah. and then i had to go to work....and he gave me a hug. haha yeah.... didn't see that one coming. And while walking to the train station i got uber bummed out because i didn't want to go to work. not at all. And when i got to kyoto like all the tables were dirty and the lunch hostess left already. and the phone kept on ringiing and customers kept on coming in. i actually almost cried, my eyes started watering and i had to go stand at the hostess stand and just breathe for a few seconds. and then CYNTHIA came in! hahah i dont know why but it made me feel a LOT better. cynthia is so nice, i swear if she were a guy.... hahaha i'm gross. But she got me a cake! she said that i looked really sad after i left. hahah i didn't know i projected that.... but yeah. cake and candy. oo-la-la. I had like 3 cakes today. if i had a meat cake i woulda had all 4 food groups. Jason got me a 水果蛋糕。Cynthia got me a chocolate cake, and Felix and Terence got me a ice cream cake at save on's. after work i went out to Iron Horse with Tara, Jamie, and Ling. we were Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Snow White, and GoGo Yubari. Everybody's costume looked really really good actually. Yup and now here i am sitting at home in front of the cpu. B-day was a good one this year, it all averaged out..... 谢谢你。

Little Red Riding Hood

大家好！你们今天怎么样？hoho 是不是很surprise见到我写的中文字？Isn't it amazing? hahaha. Anyways i just wanted 2 post a quick post. Its been like a month or soething hasn't it? Hahahah, so halloweens coming up and that means my b-day is coming up too. Yup yup. I'm being little red riding hood this year. I finished my costume today but i'm not sure how it looks. Hahah i got stuck in it yesterday cuz i took in too much. I hope it looks decent when i put it on. hahaha
But MAN was I having a horrible past month. Too much work, and too much school. I had so much trouble sleeping. har, but I think i'm better now. i think i'm doing much better about him too... hahah i'm such a silly little girl. I dont even know why I care so much about what he thinks about me. I've never cared before. But yeah. I think, as iris told me, i'm just infatuated with him right now. Because... he opens doors for me, hes tall, he speaks like 2 different languages, and... aaaah geez zhou minger get over him already. his plans for the weekend are *to get laid*. What does that say about the type of guy he is? he is totally not your type and you know that, you told yourself in china. stupid why dont i ever heed my own advice?

eeeeeerggggh

Why is this STILL happening to me. Especially at this point in time? Its been... like freakin' TWO MONTHS. And i still haven't gotten past that obsessive stage yet? Get it in your fucking head you idiot. He. Doesn't. Like. You. 他。不。喜。欢。你。I keep on saying it to myself, and i keep thinking that it's finally sunk in, but all it takes is just one tiny thought and bam, i'm crazy again. aaaarg. I JUST....i just want him to leave me alone.... so that I can finish getting over him. But then.... i dont want to just stop seeing him as a friend either.... but then, i dont know if i can see him as just a friend either..... aaaaaaaarg. fucking craig all over again. Why couldn't you worry about me or ask me whats wrong sometimes you fucking asshole, because maybe then i would finally tell you that its you that makes me sad.

i just have on thing left to say....

....thank you....
I wrote a confession yesterday. And i debated sending it or not. I opted not to. and i'm grateful....i guess. I still woulda liked to have gotten it off my chest. But whatever. So there was a China crew reunion today. A lot of people went, and I was happy to see everyone. I sat with 'him'.....yeah. I never know what to say. But it was okay. I found out....that... he has a new girlfriend.... Unng yeaaaah........ Haha, i'm actually doing pretty okay. I think I'm doing better now that I know too.... I can stop thinking about him now. haha. Because I dont go for guys that aren't single.... for obvious reasons. haha...... But yeah.... I'm glad i found out....
is it still wrong if I ask for that Scratchy doll he won for me though? ....*sigh*....

One day I will send this to you, instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

This is the day where you discover that Corinna is crazy
I'm getting overwhelmed with stuff right now and this is one of the things that has been bothering me for the longest time now. I honestly dont even know where to start....
For the first 2 weeks in China, i bet I didn't even know your name and honestly we didn't even really talk till maybe the last few weeks.... So I dont even understand why it bothers me this much. When I got back to Canada and seen you sent me an email I was really happy. I have absolutley no idea why. Okay. No. thats a lie. I was happy because I liked you a little, and was surprised that you wanted to have coffee. Those next few days in BC before i got back to Edmonton I started to worry because.... I'm weird. I often don't know what to say or how to act around people, and I'm akwardly goofy. I was worried that what has always happened to me was going to happen again. Every single person who's every asked me out for coffee or lunch or whatever ends up meeting me for 2 hours, discovers I'm crazy, and never talks to me again. I'm not even exaggerating that part. Its really degrading, and it makes me feel worthless. It hurts because people think that after a couple hours they've discovered all they have to know about me, lable me a ditz and deem it uneccessary to waste anymore time on me. I hate it when people who dont know me think they can judge me and not take me seriously, and proceed to stop talking to me.But for some stupid reason, I thought that you wouldn't do that. I actually thought that i did a decent job of being not-weird, and that you knew me well enough beforehand to be okay. But as I have learned in life, assumptions suck. I dont understand what I do that makes people ignore me. And its the worst feeling in the world to be ignored.
Please dont get me wrong, i'm not trying 2 guilt trip you, because i hope those weren't your intentions. You at least semi-stuck around for me to send you this email. Which like I said, is just one of the things that has been keeping me up at night, wandering around downtown till I dont know where i am anymore, and I need to get it off my chest.

I stand in the distance, and watch as the world passes me by. No one notices my silence. No one notices my depression. The world stops for no one. Especially not you. Not for this useless little girl.

whoop whoop

My blog page isn't loading very well so I dont know if this entry is going to work or not. BUT, i just want to comment on the outcome of this week. The sun started to shine right after Monday. yup yup. It was good. After making some good tips monday night, I came home to find out that classes didn't start till WEDNESDAY. yaaaah, that was all good. Wednesday was nice too as commented about last entry. Heehee, i was just happy because he called. I deactivated my facebook account like 2 weeks ago and I havent' talked 2 him since. But so yeah it was really unexpected that he called. Haha yeaaah i know-iknow, i wasn't the first person he called, but it still made me happy. Hahaha, i'm a silly girl. And then today I seen a big portion of the china crew! So happy. Kerlih and Cynthia are in my Premodern Chinese Literature class. Simon's in my China 301, class, and I seen Summer, followed by Tracy and Shane, followed by Tuylynn at the bookstore today. Hee hee, i get so happy when i see all those guys. *sniff sniff* Makes me happy. Hahaha, i might get to have lunches with you-know-who on thursdays too, since we are both on campus for like 4 hours. haha weeeee. yaaaay!!. Hah i'm such a little girl.
....however....I'm just a little bit scared now....whatever goes up always comes down right....aiya... scaring me now really. Several really good happy high energy days, followed by several low unhappy depressing days..... nooooo....