Not doing so well

I'm not.

Not exactly, anyways.

I've never felt so consistently sad before. Every day. Every single day. I think to myself at least once.

I don't want to be here.

I wish I wasn't here anymore.

When is this life going to be over.

I'm going to the doctor's this Friday and I think I'm going to ask if I can start some sort of medication. I couldn't beat it on my own.

It makes me kind of sad.  But, I don't think I have anything to lose anymore.  Except my life, I guess.


I'm really sad and I don't want to live with my brother anymore.  I just tried so hard when they both left me alone at the condo to clean up their mess.  I tried so hard to clean it up and make it my home. I spent a lot of money to get rid of all their junk and all of these bad memories.  After all my hard work I finally had a place I was happy to come home to.  It was clean and empty.  I had a routine that I fell into where I kept it clean.  There was no clutter.  I got rid of everything.

I was so happy.

But then my brother moved in.  It wasn't even his fault because of the condo.  It was okay for the first little bit.  But then a year passed. Two years passed.  And I sit here in front of my computer and look around.  There is so much junk everywhere.  I gave up trying to keep it clean.  It was pointless.  I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't sweep.  I couldn't do anything.

And I fell sad again.

There is literally nothing I can do right now.  There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because he can't move out and he doesn't know when.

I feel so sad.


Today, I was feeling not good so I came home and went to sleep right after work.  I dreamed that Brendan sent me a text.  He just wanted to say "Hi" and sent me a handful of pictures and most of them were just random funny photos.  I remember laughing because they were so stupid, but then I started crying because I missed him.

And then I woke up and realized I was dreaming.  That he didn't text me.  That he didn't miss me.

I'm doing great ya'll

Sometimes the answer is to get even.

Become so happy they'll regret not chosing you.  Eventually you'll be happy just for you.


That is the lesson I've learned and taught myself throughout the years and years of depression.

In the beginning I used to be so focused on making them jealous for giving up on me, but in the end I stopped caring what they though and ended up taking care of myself better. And it turned out being a win-win situation for me, because I got healthier and happier and learned to live without them.

I'm not coming back to you.

I can't.

Because you didn't hurt when I did and I will always remember that.

What do I do

What do I do?

What do I do.....

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder why no one ever came back for me

It's because they don't see your worth, is what I'm told.

The problem with that is, when I think of it from the other side, maybe it means I have no worth.

I always think about how fate works.  What are the chances that I would have bumped into both of my brothers and the UPS man that day years ago.  That I happened to get off the train at that exact time, take that exact specific route to my gramma's and for UPS man to have left his thing at that exact same time for us to cross paths.

3 things happened yesterday that I just thought were bizarre (probably mostly me looking for signs, undoubtedly).

The first day where I spent the quarters from my lucky red envelopes from work.

That I was wondering if B ever saw me walking or thought about me and then to have him stop exactly for me at the crosswalk.

The last red bead fell off the anklet I made when I was sad as I lay in bed yesterday.

It means good bye right?

The crosswalk

My funeral home colleagues got me a dozen lucky red envelopes filled with quarters for my last day of work.  I've been saving up the quarters to spend on a chocolate bar or something if I've had a bad day.  Not that I had a really bad day today, but I bought a chocolate using the lucky quarters.  I walked around ECC a bit with J and then started walking home a little bit after 5pm.  As usual I thought a little bit about B.  He even popped into my dreams twice in the last couple weeks. (lucky me) Anyways, I decided to take the usual route home instead of the longer way and was walking down 100 ave when I turned and stopped at the crosswalk to cross.  I watched one car zoom past me and wasn't sure if the car behind it was going to stop or not. It slowed down and so I started to cross.

But then.... I realized it was a black Jeep that had stopped for me......

I looked back up at the driver.

It was B

I actually wasn't sure if it was him or not at first.  I did a double take and stared probably a bit longer than I should have. He nodded at me and that's when I knew.

I think I smiled a little and gave a little wave, then looked down and kept walking.


I thought maybe he would message me when I got home and got a little anxious.  But he didn't, and then I started to do what my brain does best and over thought.  He just nodded at me. Both his hands were on the steering wheel and I kinda thought he would have waved.  So then it just felt like he nodded as an acknowledgement and not to wave Hi.

And so I came to the conclusion that he's mad at me and the last things I said to him.

To be honest, I think I did exactly what I thought I would do when I finally bumped into him again.  We live withing 7 blocks of each other, it was bound to happen.  Wave and drop my gaze.

Maybe it's my goal to become strangers again.

I don't know.  But the first thought that came to my head after I finished crossing was How do I look and I wish I put on lipstick.

The end

The fact of the matter is of course I'm attracted to you too, you knew that. But I always mess up my relationships and I value our friendship more than some chemistry.


Brendan messaged me late at night the other day after about a month of not talking to each other.

I was so happy I started crying (I partially blame the period). I wanted to see him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.

....Almost everything you've said to me in the past few months has been a huge slap in my face. Calling me up just to see if I could look after your dog. Telling me what a Great Friend I am. Chaulking up everything thats been going through my brain since forever as just 'some chemistry'.

Do you know why I like you so much?
Because you're weird.
Because you're always there for me when I need help.
Because I like the person you see me as so much I start to believe I am her.
Because you always make me remember to smile.

Am I doing okay right now? No. No I'm not. I fucking hate winter. Will I be okay? Probably. Eventually. I just need a little more time alone, okay? The stars eventually shine again. They have to.

And then I went to bed. I could barely fall asleep because I started to get scared the he was going to reply back and call me selfish for only thinking of myself and stupid for not saying anything earlier.

I was genuinely scared.

But then, I woke up in the morning and looked at my phone and this time....

I was relieved he didn't reply back.

Of course I do still worry that he'll change his mind, or he didn't reply back because he was mad. Or that one day he'll start thinking I'm selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and needy and cut me off completely. I don't know.... but I can't really worry about that right now.

I do regret a little bit that I forgot to tell him I recognized the effort he was putting into trying to keep me as his friend. That after I stopped wanting to talk to him he did keep messaging me (albeit for the worst reasons) to try and keep me in his life. That his last message to me was really the first time I've seen him acknowledge he had a fault.

I hope he knows that I do miss him. And I might have lied..... that maybe I don't need a little more time, but maybe forever.

Do you know what a mental illness feels like.

A mental illness is waking up and going to work and school every day and feeling fine. Smiling and talking to your classmates and co-workers, and engaging with people. A mental illness is that and also going home and lying in bed for the rest of the day wondering Why no one chooses me. A mental illness is telling yourself you are okay and then crying yourself to sleep at night. A mental illness is wishing people understood you and feeling like a million knives stabbing you when they don't. It is feeling like you are going to be okay in the morning and then praying your hardest that you can die soon when it's night time. It's wanting to die for yourself, but staying alive because it would make others sad.

It's a battle with yourself that only you can understand and losing is easier than winning.

Lost

I feel really lost.

Pretty unsure.

If you want something in your life, go and get it

But also

If it's meant to be, it will come back

I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.

Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....

I paid a lot of attention to him.

I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.

I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,

I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.

Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.

I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.

Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.

Or really. I am just fucking crazy.

Drowning

If I had to give an analogy about what the year I broke up with Dave felt like, I suppose it would go something like this:

Imagine...... imagine you and your significant other are on a cruise. A beautiful, gorgeous relaxing most wonderful cruise. You are just simply enamored with each other.....holding hands and walking on the deck. Standing near the guardrails looking at the beautiful cerulean waves. He looks at you and smiles.

Let's jump in?

You can't....you don't know how to swim, you tell him.

Don't worry, he assures you. I'll always be here.

And so...... you hold onto his hand and jump into the uncertainty below. You're immediately engulfed underwater but you see him in front of you. Smiling. Time seems to slow down and the bubbles surround you. You feel happy, and calm holding his hand. And safe.

And then you both slowly start to surface, still holding his hand tightly.

But then.

When you emerge from the water, you feel him let go of your hand and he swims confidently and surely away.

Never looking back.

Even your family onboard the cruise ship walks away as you cry for their help.

And you're left alone and terrified in the vast ocean as you slowly drown.



And that is how I had to learn to swim......that is how I learned to never trust anyone.

I'm fine

If I tell you I'm not doing okay, don't believe me.

I'm lying.

I'm just being dramatic and want attention.

I'm fine. I'm alright. Stop pretending you're not okay, because you are.

We're just friends.

Well.

Maybe not even anymore.

I couldn't take the pretending anymore so I just told him I liked him.

To sum it up. He didn't know what to say and kept pretending/trying to talk to me like nothing had happened which made it really really really hard on me. He even got mad at me for not talking to him.

And so, right before New Years Eve I just said to him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was in a lot of pain.

And he hasn't talked to me since.

I keep telling myself he's just super selfish and contradicted everything he said about me. He's probably still dating the 22 year old, going out partying every week, and doesn't care. I keep telling myself a lot of things to feel better. That he never really paid attention to little details about me anyways. That I cared a lot more than I should have for him.

It's not so bad. I'm not as sad as when I lost Dave and it's a lot easier this time around. Most likely because we never actually dated.

I just pretended.