1. I miss having someone to spend my weekends with
2. I miss his/her sense of humor/laugh
3. I miss knowing that I have someone out there who cares about me
4. I miss his/her sweet text messages/love notes/phone calls/etc.
5. I miss having love/affection/sex
6. I miss his/her scent
7. I miss always having someone to talk to when something good/bad happens
8. I miss his/her style
9. I miss being treated to dinner/getting gifts
10. I miss his/her drive/motivation
If you checked off mostly even numbers, than it seems you truly do miss your ex-companion. If you checked off mostly odd numbers, it’s the absence of the companionship that has you hurting.
I did this survey about 2 months ago and I tried to convince myself that I said yes to all 10 questions. I looked at it again last night and I really only said yes to the odd #s and I had to think really hard for the even #s. Maybe I do only miss the idea of you. I told myself that before too. That I never really loved you and maybe just loved the idea of you. I thought you made me happy but really I was only happy around you because you were someone to be around. Just like how I can be happy at work because there are people to be around. The biggest clue that I don't actually miss Dave is the thing I've been saying every day to myself is I feel lonely. Not I miss him. Maybe the part where I can't look at him or cheer up when I see him is my own psyche playing tricks on me. So help me forget about you. Help me see the faults that you had. Because I know you had them, I just ignored them....
Dave never really had a sense of humor, I can't remember a time where he really made me laugh.
He never really sent me sweet texts or called me or stopped by just because. Not unless I asked him to. I did that a lot for him
He never really wore cologne often, and the one he didn't wasn't amazing either. He always smelled like his deoderant which smelled like ointment, but it wasn't gross......
Well. I do miss his old sense of style. When he wore dress shirts and ties. The guys at work remind me of him because they dress well, and when Dave had to he dressed well too.....
Dave had no motivation.
He changed his mind very easily.
Do you remember that thing about how you can judge how a man will treat you by how he treats his favorite pair of jeans? If he has one pair that he's held on to for the longest time or if he tosses them out as soon as a new trend comes along? He was kind of the latter. Always buying new phones not able to have a favorite something.
I never really felt special to him..... He never did things that made me knew he cared for me or knew me or understood me.
The silly presents he would get for me.
He was there physically a lot, but not very mentally. When I felt sad or cried or was upset, he would say things that didn't really make me feel better.
He made me feel bad for things I shouldn't feel bad about, but he never once felt bad for things he's said to me.
He wasn't tall...... or in the greatest shape.
He wasn't a good homeowner, and even his roomate said that, someone who's known him for 3/4 of his life.
He would tell me his family meant a lot to him, but if I think about it he never did much to help them out. (Like work harder to get out of debt and pay off his parents' mortgage like he said)
He had horrible eating, sleeping, health, hygiene habits.
Make a mix tape just for me & Make sure I go to the therapist. - The only 2 things I really wanted from him and he never did.
See, he has a lot of faults. You wrote this list out yourself, so you can see the reasons why he's not good for you. Maybe he does realize and maybe he doesn't. And even if he does realize, what will/can he do about it and will it stay that way? You know him more than he knows himself sometimes, and the answer, unfortunately, is a most definate No.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
The Day After Yesterday
I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.
Monday, November 12, 2012
instruction manual
Has anyone else ever wished there was an instruction manual to life? That at the hardest, toughest times in life you could take a peek and it would tell you what to do to get back on track?
That or wish they were a mind reader. I'm so broken right now! I feel tired all the time, when I wake up, and I don't want to do anything after work. 5-10pm is so short, but so long at the same time. I wish I could just lie in bed and sleep and not have to think and wonder constantly. I wonder what Dave is thinking, what he's doing and if he regrets his decision. I want to tell him I miss him, and I want to ask if he misses me. But I don't want to hear the answer because if its not what I want to hear I think I will break even more. So many times I've said to myself I need to get him out of my life completely, and I'm so stubborn. I don't want him to leave, but I think I know as long as he's here and keeps messaging me, my heart will never let him go. Everything reminds me of him. I think everything I see and hear relates to him and I. And I think I just need to forget he ever existed. It makes me so temporarily happy when he messages me. So happy that I'm scared to message him back, because I don't want to feel that pain of when he doesn't message me back. It hurts so very much. That the one person who is capable of making me feel okay, is the same person that can shatter me to pieces. I want to find my energy and happiness, and myself again, I want to but its so odd. It feels like I'm being pulled down by an invisible net that I want to get up, but I just can't. Like I can't open my eyes fully or think of things to say. That everything is just blank.
That or wish they were a mind reader. I'm so broken right now! I feel tired all the time, when I wake up, and I don't want to do anything after work. 5-10pm is so short, but so long at the same time. I wish I could just lie in bed and sleep and not have to think and wonder constantly. I wonder what Dave is thinking, what he's doing and if he regrets his decision. I want to tell him I miss him, and I want to ask if he misses me. But I don't want to hear the answer because if its not what I want to hear I think I will break even more. So many times I've said to myself I need to get him out of my life completely, and I'm so stubborn. I don't want him to leave, but I think I know as long as he's here and keeps messaging me, my heart will never let him go. Everything reminds me of him. I think everything I see and hear relates to him and I. And I think I just need to forget he ever existed. It makes me so temporarily happy when he messages me. So happy that I'm scared to message him back, because I don't want to feel that pain of when he doesn't message me back. It hurts so very much. That the one person who is capable of making me feel okay, is the same person that can shatter me to pieces. I want to find my energy and happiness, and myself again, I want to but its so odd. It feels like I'm being pulled down by an invisible net that I want to get up, but I just can't. Like I can't open my eyes fully or think of things to say. That everything is just blank.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
step 1
I tried to call the therapists office to set up an appointment yesterday.
I only got the answering machine, but I did leave a message. I just hope someone will call me back soon. I need help, and I really need it soon. I'm crying constantly, and feeling sad all the time. I feel alone and abandoned and that there is always something else more important than me. That nobody believes in me. I asked Dave the first time it had been suggested I go see a therapist, to make sure I go. "Please make sure I go, I don't want it to get worse again." Please, I asked him. And he never did make sure I went. And I just feel so sad because I knew he didn't care about me. I just want to feel that I matter to someone, that I'm on someone's list of people that are important to them. Everything I look at is grey. It seems like there are no colors any more, and drawing and sewing, and anything doesn't seem interesting or fun anymore.
I only got the answering machine, but I did leave a message. I just hope someone will call me back soon. I need help, and I really need it soon. I'm crying constantly, and feeling sad all the time. I feel alone and abandoned and that there is always something else more important than me. That nobody believes in me. I asked Dave the first time it had been suggested I go see a therapist, to make sure I go. "Please make sure I go, I don't want it to get worse again." Please, I asked him. And he never did make sure I went. And I just feel so sad because I knew he didn't care about me. I just want to feel that I matter to someone, that I'm on someone's list of people that are important to them. Everything I look at is grey. It seems like there are no colors any more, and drawing and sewing, and anything doesn't seem interesting or fun anymore.
Sunday, November 04, 2012
not getting better.....
.... which means I'm getting worse.
Almost 3 months since Dave and I broke up and I still feel so sad. Not just because of the break up, but also because of how lonely I feel. I physically feel like I have no one. I come home to an empty house, and I am sad. I text friends when I am lonely and they don't seem to understand how depressed I feel. That nothing makes me smile or laugh. That I want to get out of the house, but I don't know how. I'm crying randomly every 2nd day or so and I don't really know why. I haven't started cutting myself again which is good, but I do think about dying at least once a day and how it would be easier than waking up sad every morning. A lot has happened since my last post, and nothing has happened. I turned 27. I saw Dave. I saw Dave's friends. There's a lot that goes through my mind every day. How I still miss him and wonder what he is doing. If he is happy and/or if he regrets his decision. It helped a lot that I blocked his updates from my feed so I don't see what he is doing anymore (which reminds me I should block Daisy too). I haven't come to an conclusion yet, but I have a lot of speculations. I wonder how Dave broke it to his friends and what they thought when he told them. I'm sure many of his friends thought we were awesome together, and some of them thought we would get married. Especially because we got along well. So, I think that it must've come as a surprise and I wonder what they thought about. If any of them wanted to say, 'what the fuck are you thinking, Corinna supported you, came to everything that was important to you, and only complained about not having enough time together. You're not getting younger, and you're chasing pipe dreams instead of focusing on whats in front of you, why are you giving up on someone who cares so much about you?!' Originally I assumed his friends were all just ignoring me, but after I went to see everyone on Big Dave's birthday, I re-wondered about that too. Big Dave gave me a big hug and said he missed me and told me to smile. (I guess he knew I was still really sad). I left pretty early because I just kept getting sadder and sadder there, so I didn't say bye to everyone. That resulted in Levar messaging me the next day asking how I was doing. I was a bit confused by this because I didn't know if he was trying to snoop, or whatnot. Daisy never said a single word to me that night, and I will never know if she deliberately did that, or just didn't see me. Of all Dave's friends, Daisy was also the only person who never wished me HBD. Anyways, yeah, Levar asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing the same, and he told me to elaborate. I said I didn't want to, and he told me not to worry because our conversation would be confidential. I didn't know if that was the truth or not, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it because it would make me feel sad again, and he said it was okay, and that he didn't want to make me sad. And then he told me to take care of myself because I was a good person..... So, that and hearing that Big Dave said he missed me too, made me feel a bit better the next few days following. I knew then that they knew I was a good person and that it wasn't anything I did to cause the break-up, that it surprised them as much as it surprised me and that it was purely Dave being stupid Dave. Well, I guess I dont truly know, but just speculate. But even Nomin thinks so too. She tells me lots too, that what Dave did was a very selfish thing, and if he doesn't eventually regret it, then he will forever be a bum-hole. And another thing that we agreed upon is how much drama Daisy causes. David told me he never wanted to date Daisy but I dont think I believed him. I think he wanted to date her, but she didn't want to date him. And it does hurt that he valued her opinion more than mine, and had tons of pictures of him and her together, but maybe 2 of him and I. And I thought about all the people that can't hang out with Dave anymore just because of Daisy. Tony, Travis, Brendan, Me.... theres all one thing in common, that we all used to be good friends with everyone but Daisy led to us being kicked out/we don't want to hang out with Dave's friends anymore because of Daisy. The next thing that can happen that will prove this point is if Daisy and Levar break up. And if Levar gets kicked out of his circle of friends, then I'm hoping some eyes will be opened..... But regardless, Daisy has Dave wrapped around her finger, I dont think he will ever see any fault in her and what she does to his friends.
But even so, I still feel so lonely without him. Lots of things still remind me of him, and I still look at my phone ever day hoping to see a message from him. He gave me a hug too on Big Dave's birthday and sent me a few messages after to say he was really glad I came out and that it was good to see me. He stopped by my place too on my birthday (at my request) and got me the Chewie plush that I asked for in August because it reminded me of Lika. I haven't really talked to him since my birthday but I do feel he listened to me a bit more than usual. (ie, he asked if I went to see the therapist, saw that i started reading the book he gave me, asked if I took the job offer, bought me something I asked for months ago....) and his voice didn't sound so cold the last time I talked to him too..... So I guess maybe he does feel bad.... But regardless I shouldn't be caring about that crap. I have stopped blaming myself for this break-up though I think. I'm not trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore, and I'm telling myself it was Dave's selfish-ness. It helps a lot too that other friends are telling me this too so I know its not just my imagination. That lots of people tell me I am a good person, and I can extrapolate from that that that means Dave was the bad person and he was the one that caused the problem.......I just hope. With all my heart. That Dave realizes how very sad he made me feel because of his selfishness. That he thinks about it every day and that everything reminds him of me and how much of a coward he is.
Almost 3 months since Dave and I broke up and I still feel so sad. Not just because of the break up, but also because of how lonely I feel. I physically feel like I have no one. I come home to an empty house, and I am sad. I text friends when I am lonely and they don't seem to understand how depressed I feel. That nothing makes me smile or laugh. That I want to get out of the house, but I don't know how. I'm crying randomly every 2nd day or so and I don't really know why. I haven't started cutting myself again which is good, but I do think about dying at least once a day and how it would be easier than waking up sad every morning. A lot has happened since my last post, and nothing has happened. I turned 27. I saw Dave. I saw Dave's friends. There's a lot that goes through my mind every day. How I still miss him and wonder what he is doing. If he is happy and/or if he regrets his decision. It helped a lot that I blocked his updates from my feed so I don't see what he is doing anymore (which reminds me I should block Daisy too). I haven't come to an conclusion yet, but I have a lot of speculations. I wonder how Dave broke it to his friends and what they thought when he told them. I'm sure many of his friends thought we were awesome together, and some of them thought we would get married. Especially because we got along well. So, I think that it must've come as a surprise and I wonder what they thought about. If any of them wanted to say, 'what the fuck are you thinking, Corinna supported you, came to everything that was important to you, and only complained about not having enough time together. You're not getting younger, and you're chasing pipe dreams instead of focusing on whats in front of you, why are you giving up on someone who cares so much about you?!' Originally I assumed his friends were all just ignoring me, but after I went to see everyone on Big Dave's birthday, I re-wondered about that too. Big Dave gave me a big hug and said he missed me and told me to smile. (I guess he knew I was still really sad). I left pretty early because I just kept getting sadder and sadder there, so I didn't say bye to everyone. That resulted in Levar messaging me the next day asking how I was doing. I was a bit confused by this because I didn't know if he was trying to snoop, or whatnot. Daisy never said a single word to me that night, and I will never know if she deliberately did that, or just didn't see me. Of all Dave's friends, Daisy was also the only person who never wished me HBD. Anyways, yeah, Levar asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing the same, and he told me to elaborate. I said I didn't want to, and he told me not to worry because our conversation would be confidential. I didn't know if that was the truth or not, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it because it would make me feel sad again, and he said it was okay, and that he didn't want to make me sad. And then he told me to take care of myself because I was a good person..... So, that and hearing that Big Dave said he missed me too, made me feel a bit better the next few days following. I knew then that they knew I was a good person and that it wasn't anything I did to cause the break-up, that it surprised them as much as it surprised me and that it was purely Dave being stupid Dave. Well, I guess I dont truly know, but just speculate. But even Nomin thinks so too. She tells me lots too, that what Dave did was a very selfish thing, and if he doesn't eventually regret it, then he will forever be a bum-hole. And another thing that we agreed upon is how much drama Daisy causes. David told me he never wanted to date Daisy but I dont think I believed him. I think he wanted to date her, but she didn't want to date him. And it does hurt that he valued her opinion more than mine, and had tons of pictures of him and her together, but maybe 2 of him and I. And I thought about all the people that can't hang out with Dave anymore just because of Daisy. Tony, Travis, Brendan, Me.... theres all one thing in common, that we all used to be good friends with everyone but Daisy led to us being kicked out/we don't want to hang out with Dave's friends anymore because of Daisy. The next thing that can happen that will prove this point is if Daisy and Levar break up. And if Levar gets kicked out of his circle of friends, then I'm hoping some eyes will be opened..... But regardless, Daisy has Dave wrapped around her finger, I dont think he will ever see any fault in her and what she does to his friends.
But even so, I still feel so lonely without him. Lots of things still remind me of him, and I still look at my phone ever day hoping to see a message from him. He gave me a hug too on Big Dave's birthday and sent me a few messages after to say he was really glad I came out and that it was good to see me. He stopped by my place too on my birthday (at my request) and got me the Chewie plush that I asked for in August because it reminded me of Lika. I haven't really talked to him since my birthday but I do feel he listened to me a bit more than usual. (ie, he asked if I went to see the therapist, saw that i started reading the book he gave me, asked if I took the job offer, bought me something I asked for months ago....) and his voice didn't sound so cold the last time I talked to him too..... So I guess maybe he does feel bad.... But regardless I shouldn't be caring about that crap. I have stopped blaming myself for this break-up though I think. I'm not trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore, and I'm telling myself it was Dave's selfish-ness. It helps a lot too that other friends are telling me this too so I know its not just my imagination. That lots of people tell me I am a good person, and I can extrapolate from that that that means Dave was the bad person and he was the one that caused the problem.......I just hope. With all my heart. That Dave realizes how very sad he made me feel because of his selfishness. That he thinks about it every day and that everything reminds him of me and how much of a coward he is.
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