When you and I Collide

Tomorrow is going to be a bad day. 

I did some really stupid things today.

But maybe let's flashback a little bit.  It's been about 5 weeks since I last messaged PBC.  I dunno after I spilled the beans on him and told him how bad I was doing and that I had been trying all this time to be his friend and nothing was working I decided I was going to give up.  And then he said he would try and I said I don't know if I'll be able to talk to you again.  And yeah, I really meant it.  It was hard cause I just felt sad all the time.

So I just didn't go on FB for 2-3 weeks and then magically 5 weeks later I had made it with no contact.  Of course I still thought about him but I dunno maybe the pain was fading.  And I also tried to start seeing someone else so maybe that had an effect?

Except I know I still think about PBC and I miss him.  I don't exactly feel any chemistry or sparks with the new lawyer like I did with PBC.  PBC I just felt like I had found a long lost best friend.  And the lawyer, the lawyer I dunno I guess he's attractive and he is easy to talk to.  And like G says 'Whats a matter with you' for not liking a normal guy.  She's right.  It just feels so different.  

But the last couple weeks I've been thinking about PBC a lot, going through withdrawl probably cause its the longest I've ever gone without messaging him and I logged on to see if he had messaged me, and yeah of course he did, 3 weeks ago.  And I was like obviously happy that he had messaged me but I didn't want to see what he sent.  And then late one night... he texted me.

I was scared cause I know he knows I prefer texting over messenger.

And he just texted to tell me "I'm leaving the province in the summer and would like the opportunity to talk to you before I leave"

And I was so happy, of course I wanted to see him.  And then I started crying because why.  Why do you pop up when I least expect it and when I don't need you to. 

So I replied that I could see him but not right now or immediately, if possible.  And he said okay and that he didn't leave until July.

Of course I wanted to see him but.... at the same time..... what could he possibly say to me?  That would make me feel better, and not cry after.  And so now I think I shouldn't see him.  That I'm just going to stir up feelings that he can't reciprocate, so why would I put myself through this anguish again?

Flash forward to today.  My brother fell through my stairs today and I'm crying laughing.  I'm laughing cause it was so fucking funny after and I'm crying because its $4k to repair and that was my car fund.  Fuck. Now that he's okay I can laugh but: My stairs are in pretty bad shape, they deteriorated over the winter and have been looking real bad.  Well T was helping me carry groceries up today and I saw the stairs move so when he was leaving I told him to be careful.  And he was like, well where should I step then?  And I was like Step over there it looks safer.  And he stepped exactly where I pointed and the entire step imploded and he fell through the stairs.  I called my bff to tell her cause I was just in a little bit of shock cause of how 'funny/sad' the timing was and then she asked me if my doorbell came caught the incident, so I went to look and it caught it perfectly.  Oh my god I was laughing so hard cause I could hear myself tell him 'Step right here'  And then he did and disappeared into the void.

So I started laughing and then crying cause it was going to be a very very expensive fix.

And then I messaged Brendan.  And then I messaged Coleston.  And now I want to message PBC.

Whats a matter with you, right?

Brendan said he would ask around and Coleston.  Lol Coleston I don't want to talk about but it ended pretty bad.

I want to talk to Curtis so bad.  And I think I'm screwed because the lawyer went away for a 3 week vacation this week so I don't have him to talk to.  And.  

Just fuck I'm screwed.  I did a lot of stupid things today I should haven't.  I shouldn't have messaged Coleston and I shouldn't have opened up Curtis' messages.  I should have just tucked all my feelings and everything away.

And ended things like this with never talking to him again.  So he'll never get closure.

Like Losing a Good Friend

I would say that's what I'm stuck on and hurt about the most.

That I feel like I lost my best friend, even though I barely know you.

I liked you a lot as a person too, and that is the main reason why I ended up liking you more than a friend.

The thing is you kind of treat people "you like a lot as a person" pretty shitty.  The difference in conversations I had with you when you apparently liked me romantically and now is remarkably different.  If you had talked to me the way you talked to me now, I would not have tried to keep a friendship going.

I enjoyed greatly our walks and chats because of the conversation you were able to provide.  You're smart and weird and I really could have done just that without any sort of romance.  But you were the one who made the first move, so I asked if you were interested, and then you suddenly retracted it without saying anything.  So yeah, I'm pretty fucking hurt and confused.

I said to you you felt like a puzzle piece that fit really well.  Talking to you literally feels like talking to a friend who's known me my entire life.  Like I am meant to know you because we got along so well and conversation was so easy.  Everything you send and suggest to me is almost always spot on and I just wanted that part to continue.  

I just wanted you to stick around as a friend to talk to, but it feels so forced with your lack of interest in any sort of communication with me.  Even as just friends I don't think that's how friends treat each other.

I dunno.  But I'm done now I think.  I don't know why I'm trying so hard to hold onto you.  I just don't want to lose what I thought was an amazing friend.  I'm just holding onto the memory of the 2 weeks were you were nice to me and the more I think about it the more I think that might not be who you are.  I just need to let this go.  I'll probably eventually reach out to you again when I've forgotten everything.  Or need car help.  Or never.  I dunno.

Please don't Crumble

 Please don't Crumble.

I know you are a strong, strong girl and I'm sorry this keeps happening to you but you have to keep going.

Don't be sad or hurt, just let him go.

I unloaded on Curtis a couple weeks ago.  I told him I was in a lot of pain and I was just constantly replaying scenarios in my head.  That I wanted to forget him.  That I was mad I let him back into my life only for the same thing to happen again.  And I told him I was going to try to stop talking to him because all my memories I have of him, even though they made me so happy, turned out to be a lie.

And then I just disconnected and haven't opened messenger since.

I was feeling pretty okay the days following after.  And then something happened, I dunno I watched Your Lie in April probably and then it made me think of him all over again.  And this morning I finally went to read his reply.  I don't know why I waited so long.  Maybe I needed time to brace myself and prepare.  I probably should have never read it because there is no going back once you have that knowledge.

I just reset my 2 week no-contact goal, today.  I know I should block him and delete everything I have of him but I can't.  I feel very weak this time like all my goals are so far away.  Normally I know what I have to do and I just start doing things and forcing myself to be busy.  But its really hard this time.  I just don't have the willpower or enthusiasm.

Curtis replied back to me that he just doesn't see anything romantic between us.  'I just don't think I could be with you romantically. I really like you a lot as a person, though' ..... So he likes me a lot as but just platonically.  Hahahahahahaha, wow isn't that what I said to Coleston?  I dunno I'm sad obviously and also upset and mad.  I mean, yeah my ideal turn out was to date, but when that was going down the drain I just wanted him to be my friend.  And I tried talking to him like so but he was just being a big ol' asshole and hiding and being a shitty person at conversing.  Like, I don't know I liked him as a person too and how much we got along and that's what I wanted to keep.  I don't think I even wanted the hand holding or sex I just wanted someone to talk to, but you wouldn't even give that to me.  I liked having sex with Coleston, we had really great sexual chemistry, and I wanted all the other stuff from Curtis.  And the other thing that makes me really, really upset is.  I didn't move into the romantic zone.  Curtis did.  I was nervous and I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said yes.  He was the one who told me he wanted to kiss me first, and he was the one who made the move.  I always thing I know when people like me, but I'm also crazy and wrong.  So I didn't know, and I moved at your pace and when you crossed that line and kissed me then I took it from there and figured it was okay to like you like that.

That's why I am mad.  I'm upset because you played with me.  

I want to yell at you and call you a liar and a jerk and an asshole and to grow up.  I want to say so many things to you.

And I'm asking myself to please find the strength to don't do any of that.  You're only going to hurt yourself again.  Please, please, please find the strength to let him go and move on.  You are not going to get anywhere further on this.  

If you can, maybe eventually you'll learn to see those as happy memories.  Work on that, C.  Work on changing your memories from the past into happy ones.  They aren't sad because they are over, they are happy because you got to experience them.  Laugh when you think about them, don't try to block them out maybe, just embrace that it brought you so much joy.  And they still can as long as you look at them in a happy light.

Please don't crumble.

You're my Heartbreak Soul Mate

Curtis is my heartbreak soulmate.  

Lol.  Like I'm meant to know him, but our timelines don't overlap.

Oh yeah.  And he doesn't know.

I dunno why I'm so dumb.  I'm really struggling and there's a lot of stuff going on that's not going on.  I think I'm going crazy.  And I want to die again. I feel really empty again and just don't know what to do.  I need to move my life forward and find goals.  I can't keep doing what I'm doing, which is nothing.  I need to move forward but I don't know what to do.

I know I'm meant to know Curtis, I feel like we are the same person.  And maybe that is why we can't exist together.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.  I'm so cheesy.  I'm so crazy.  

I was being stupid again and trying to bury my feelings and pretend and live in la-la-land.  I tried to be friends with him again.  I reached out and was just hoping .... I dunno hoping I could get him to stay in my life.  I dunno why, I must sound so crazy.  I am a little scared I won't be able to snap out of this one.  But I reached out to him again and thought I'd be okay to do so.  Like I'm okay with Coleston.  But maybe I'm not.  I'm not okay with anyone.

We were talking.... well... I was trying to talk and he was just responding.  So different from the Curtis I met in October.  Why am I like this.  Why do I always make things about myself.  Something is wrong with me.

I don't know why everything he does affects me.  Like he'll tell me something and I feel like I relate so much to it.  Or am I just projecting a perfect life onto him?  I don't think I am but I don't know.  I feel really confused.  I'm 36 and I don't want to be alive.  I don't want to get an older or see things get harder.  I don't want to see my parents die or feel heartbreak or sadness again.

I'm rambling now.  I just don't know how I got here.

I felt so happy, and I'm holding onto this memory.  Maybe this false memory instead of moving forwards and trying to let go. Why do I feel safety in the the past and my memories.  And am so scared of going forwards.

There's so many things I wanted to do with Curtis.  When he told me we could watch Evangelion Rebuild, I believed him.  When he asked to watch Darling in the Franxx, I believed him.  Just everything that we did together I enjoyed so much.  I enjoyed watching all the things he suggested and just felt like we were the same person.  That the things he liked I really liked too.  I don't know if I was pretending, or just waiting to find this person.

That's why I get hurt and feel so much when I watch the things he tells me to.  Like I imagine he's trying to tell me something.  And then that makes me feel crazy.  Something is so wrong with me for thinking like this. 

A Silent Voice, it felt like Shoya was Curtis, a bully trying to find himself and atone for his past, and pretending like the outside world doesn't exist.  I felt like Shoko, just smiling and apologizing all the time.  Trying to pretend like people and things didn't hurt me.

Your Name, it was just the most bizarre story of 2 people who are meant to find each other again.  And again, I kept seeing this as Curtis and Me.  That we are supposed to know each other.  That we are searching for something that's been missing all this time and we just don't know what it is.  The red string of fate was planted so long ago.

And finally Your Lie in April.  I felt a lot of emotions in this anime.  I couldn't identify with just one person.  I identified with all of them.  I didn't cry, and it felt a bit cliched at times, but I don't know.  It was another story about fate and just going in circles.  About changing yourself, and growing stronger and finding inspiration.  I just.  It hurts.  I read that this story was about Kousei learning to live with himself and be his own person.  It just hurt, because I'm co-dependant.  I always want to find someone to make me feel whole.  I felt like Tsubaki who was broken hearted when she realized she was losing Kousei, but I hated that she felt like music, the thing he loved was taking him away from her.  And then I felt like Kousei, who was just unable to move on, too scared and seeing everything monotone.  Like he was waiting for life to happen.... or not.  And then I felt like Kaori.  At first I liked that she was just a ball of happiness and energy.  Only seeing the positive things and living life to the fullest, not letting things get in her way.  And then I found out she was only doing it for a reason, because Kousei was her goal.  

And I don't know why I just always dote on the fact that we feel the same emotions.  That the same shows that break him break me. And I feel the same pain.  Am I projecting on him?  I don't know, I feel so lost.  

And I was always behind.  I'd tell him things after he watched these shows, but before I did, and when I finally watched it it would hit so close to home.  Like I had just done what I had watched.  Kaori wrote a love letter to Kousei before she left.  And... I almost wrote Curtis a letter for his birthday.  I don't know what I was hoping it would do.  But what happened in Your Life in April is what I dreamed, would. Just everything that happened in those shows Curtis suggested to me, felt like me.

I spilled my heart out to him last week.  I just told him I was in a lot of pain.  I wanted him to know what he did wasn't okay.  That he was hurting people.  And I thought that by getting this emotion out I would feel better.  I was feeling great for the next 7 days that followed.  I really thought I felt closure and I don't know why. But then I started feeling sad again. I just felt lonely like I don't meet the status quo.  Like I'm not good enough.  And I started thinking about him and missing being with somebody.  Just having someone to hug, and talk to or text.  I have all my friends and family to do this with but I still wanted him.  His name is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I have a mental illness.  I'm sure of it.

Empty-ish

 I feel kinda blank again you guys.

I dunno.  I just feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly.  With no goals or reasons to reach.  Jess told me I should set some new goals, and.... I should then my brain wouldn't think so much.

I just.... dunno... I wanna be in love and I wanna be loved.  I wanna have a boyfriend its been so long.  I really want someone to snuggle with and laugh and hug and go on dates with.  And I'm mad at Curtis for giving that to me and taking it away.

I wanna tell him and I don't want to tell him that he's mean and selfish.  That he really needs to grow up and take responsibility for this choices.  That he keeps on running away and ignoring things and his ego is bigger than his head.

I wanna tell him I like him and please don't leave me.

It's just not fair.  I want to find this puzzle piece of my life so bad.  

The saying is maybe the thing you are looking for that will bring you happiness is inside you, and I never believe it because when I'm with someone its the happiest I feel and I don't believe I can do that by myself.  I'm my own person that is capable of taking care of myself but I always feel like something.... someone is missing.  Everyone says its wrong to think you need someone to complete you, but I do.  I want someone in my life to be happy with.

I always feel like something is missing, that's why.  That I'm not complete.

Can Curtis come back please.  I would just be so happy if he reached out to me and made me feel valuable again.  

What is Meant to Be is Meant to Be

I dunno if I'm just romanticizing everything again.  

Life is so bizarre.  I want it to be a textbook where everything plays out like a chapter with perfect examples and scenarios and an answer key at the back.

I'm currently at a phase where I think I met my soulmate.  I say this because I've never met or felt the way I feel around PBC.  That nothing can explain it.  

But the logical thing I think is, I'm just growing and learning to accept things now, instead of getting mad and holding grudges?

I don't know.

But I still really do feel like I'm meant to know him.  Maybe not romantically, even though I would love that.

So anyways, here I am again to talk things out.

I messaged him again last week.  I KNOW I KNOW I JUST LIKE GETTING BURNED OKAY.

We had Mental Health Awareness at work and it made me think about him (well its partial truth because honestly I have a mental illness that makes me always think about people I like).  And I messaged him to tell him that and asked how he was doing.  And also threw in a joke about shiny magikarp hunting.

He replied back that he was just thinking about me, too and also asked how I was.  And we chatted for a bit.  He told me he was doing better and trying to keep busy which was helping.  At the end of the night, I messaged him bye and he messaged me sweet dreams.

I'm probably thinking into that message too much, but it made me happy.  I remember waking up the next day feeling similar to how I felt when I decided I was done with Coleston.  Similar..... but not identical.  I knew I wasn't going to be sad anymore, but I still wanted PBC to be around.  We didn't talk the next day, but I did message him the day after.  Just a funny meme that I saw, and then I sent him another picture of my grumpy Eevee, which he found very very funny.  We started talking about anime's and it felt similar to October again, where it was just easy conversation.  He suggested a new romcom for me to watch and I told him I didn't like watching romcoms because they are too realistically-unrealistic.  But that I did watch Your Name because I saw him post about it.  And then we got on the topic of crying, lol.  He told me that A Silent Voice was his new all time fav anime, but they both made him cry.  That after Your Name ended he went to watch YouTube reaction videos so he could cry more.  Lol, how masochistic.

I had to leave in the middle of the convo, but I wish now that I just continued talking.  When I got back home, I messaged him again and we just talked about normal things again for the rest of the day.  And at the end of the night he said goodnight when I went to bed, and that was 2 days ago.  

I know I asked myself before I messaged him what I was expecting to get out of reaching out to him, and I don't know.  I knew I had to accept that he might not have anything to give, so I guess I'm not shocked.  I just really wanted him to be a part of my life.

Oh.

And he told me he'll move back to Halifax in the summer.

So I guess there's that.

Lol.

I don't think he is interested in talking to me regularly anymore.

Which, whatever its fine.  Expectations are what ruin things, remember.

And so brings me to Your Name. I like this move a lot because..... it deals a little bit with fate, destiny, maybe time travel..... the Red String of Destiny.  You know.  I loved everything about this movie, Just how the 2 found each other, how the 2 lost each other, how the 2 finally met and how they found each other again.  They didn't even know that they were looking for each other, they just knew they were looking for something.  But when they met each other again, they knew they were supposed to know each other.

And that's how I feel about Curtis.

I don't actually remember this, I only know cause I looked back on my blogs, but when I first messaged PBC 7 years ago the first thing I said was "I have an incredible urge to message you".  And looking back at my silly blog entries I actually was quite enamoured with him, to the point where I couldn't look him in the face.  He was a big player back then.  And I forgot how many times I tried to get him to talk to me, but eventually I just gave up to try and work on myself.  However, he is the only guy I have ever been romantically interested in, who I didn't block.  I just kept him on my FB for some unknown reason.  And we didn't talk for over 7 years.

Until October when he messaged me to apologize for what he did back then.  I told him not to worry about it and that I never really held anything against him.  In reality though, it made me feel so happy and it boosted my confidence a lot.  I actually felt like I wasn't wrong or a bad person all those years ago because someone thought of me and came back to tell me, You're a great person, It was just Me who messed up.  And we started chatting and seemed to hit things off immediately.  I just found it so easy to talk to him.  And I'm sure a lot of girls say this to him, but to me, from my standpoint.  It was so rare.  I can't emphasize enough how normal I felt.  You know the quote you've seen around where its something like "Its sad that you've forgotten the type of person you were before depression became your life"  Well he made me forget about my depression when I was with him.  I was very very happy, and I swear being around him made me want to work on myself more.  I said to him a couple times before too, "You feel like a puzzle piece that fits really well".  

But of course the thing happened.  The thing happened, and I think I got over it and we are friends again, but now he's moving.  And just, yeah neither of us should get involved knowing how things are going to unfold, so.  Let it go right?

I do quite believe in fate and destiny.  That things happen for a reason, that there are things more powerful than coincidences drawing people, things and places together and to each other.  

In this scenario:

1. I reached out to Curtis 7 years ago saying I have a strong urge to message you. He was 1 of 3 people I ever messaged on there (1 being Dave, 2 being Brendan)
2. I never deleted him, of all people, off my FB, when I've deleted and blocked Dave, Andrew and Coleston
3. He reached out to me 7 years later to apologize and talk
4. I had back then and still have an unexplainable pull to him
5. He shared and posted an anime about 2 people who are destined to meet

You guys just thinking I'm thinking too hard about this and that I sound crazy I know.  But it's just too much of a coincidence for me to believe its nothing.

But I dunno what to do...... Like, the guy is literally moving away right after I found him again.....

I guess I just let things go and see if they come back again, huh.  And if they don't.... well then it's not meant to be, right?

The animation to Your Name was beautiful, too.  Plus I effing love astronomy stuff too so it was just perfect.

Inability to Cope

I just wanted to let you know I'm in a lot of pain right now because of you.

Because when you told me you didn't want to hurt me when we started talking again, I believed you and I let my guard down.

And I regret it, deeply.

Because talking with you for the 2 weeks in October was the most normal I have ever felt before and I thought I was going to be okay.

But what you did again triggered all that depression to come back out and I'm really sad that I have to fight through it all again and climb back up all the stairs I worked so hard on before.

I lied when I said when you stopped talking to me all those years ago that it didn't hurt.  It actually really did hurt and I just blocked it from my memory as the only way to get better.  But the memories came back and I feel really stupid.

I told you before, my one goal in life is to not make it hard on others, because I don't want anyone to feel the way I feel because of how poorly I treated them.