Curtis is my heartbreak soulmate.
Lol. Like I'm meant to know him, but our timelines don't overlap.
Oh yeah. And he doesn't know.
I dunno why I'm so dumb. I'm really struggling and there's a lot of stuff going on that's not going on. I think I'm going crazy. And I want to die again. I feel really empty again and just don't know what to do. I need to move my life forward and find goals. I can't keep doing what I'm doing, which is nothing. I need to move forward but I don't know what to do.
I know I'm meant to know Curtis, I feel like we are the same person. And maybe that is why we can't exist together.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm so cheesy. I'm so crazy.
I was being stupid again and trying to bury my feelings and pretend and live in la-la-land. I tried to be friends with him again. I reached out and was just hoping .... I dunno hoping I could get him to stay in my life. I dunno why, I must sound so crazy. I am a little scared I won't be able to snap out of this one. But I reached out to him again and thought I'd be okay to do so. Like I'm okay with Coleston. But maybe I'm not. I'm not okay with anyone.
We were talking.... well... I was trying to talk and he was just responding. So different from the Curtis I met in October. Why am I like this. Why do I always make things about myself. Something is wrong with me.
I don't know why everything he does affects me. Like he'll tell me something and I feel like I relate so much to it. Or am I just projecting a perfect life onto him? I don't think I am but I don't know. I feel really confused. I'm 36 and I don't want to be alive. I don't want to get an older or see things get harder. I don't want to see my parents die or feel heartbreak or sadness again.
I'm rambling now. I just don't know how I got here.
I felt so happy, and I'm holding onto this memory. Maybe this false memory instead of moving forwards and trying to let go. Why do I feel safety in the the past and my memories. And am so scared of going forwards.
There's so many things I wanted to do with Curtis. When he told me we could watch Evangelion Rebuild, I believed him. When he asked to watch Darling in the Franxx, I believed him. Just everything that we did together I enjoyed so much. I enjoyed watching all the things he suggested and just felt like we were the same person. That the things he liked I really liked too. I don't know if I was pretending, or just waiting to find this person.
That's why I get hurt and feel so much when I watch the things he tells me to. Like I imagine he's trying to tell me something. And then that makes me feel crazy. Something is so wrong with me for thinking like this.
A Silent Voice, it felt like Shoya was Curtis, a bully trying to find himself and atone for his past, and pretending like the outside world doesn't exist. I felt like Shoko, just smiling and apologizing all the time. Trying to pretend like people and things didn't hurt me.
Your Name, it was just the most bizarre story of 2 people who are meant to find each other again. And again, I kept seeing this as Curtis and Me. That we are supposed to know each other. That we are searching for something that's been missing all this time and we just don't know what it is. The red string of fate was planted so long ago.
And finally Your Lie in April. I felt a lot of emotions in this anime. I couldn't identify with just one person. I identified with all of them. I didn't cry, and it felt a bit cliched at times, but I don't know. It was another story about fate and just going in circles. About changing yourself, and growing stronger and finding inspiration. I just. It hurts. I read that this story was about Kousei learning to live with himself and be his own person. It just hurt, because I'm co-dependant. I always want to find someone to make me feel whole. I felt like Tsubaki who was broken hearted when she realized she was losing Kousei, but I hated that she felt like music, the thing he loved was taking him away from her. And then I felt like Kousei, who was just unable to move on, too scared and seeing everything monotone. Like he was waiting for life to happen.... or not. And then I felt like Kaori. At first I liked that she was just a ball of happiness and energy. Only seeing the positive things and living life to the fullest, not letting things get in her way. And then I found out she was only doing it for a reason, because Kousei was her goal.
And I don't know why I just always dote on the fact that we feel the same emotions. That the same shows that break him break me. And I feel the same pain. Am I projecting on him? I don't know, I feel so lost.
And I was always behind. I'd tell him things after he watched these shows, but before I did, and when I finally watched it it would hit so close to home. Like I had just done what I had watched. Kaori wrote a love letter to Kousei before she left. And... I almost wrote Curtis a letter for his birthday. I don't know what I was hoping it would do. But what happened in Your Life in April is what I dreamed, would. Just everything that happened in those shows Curtis suggested to me, felt like me.
I spilled my heart out to him last week. I just told him I was in a lot of pain. I wanted him to know what he did wasn't okay. That he was hurting people. And I thought that by getting this emotion out I would feel better. I was feeling great for the next 7 days that followed. I really thought I felt closure and I don't know why. But then I started feeling sad again. I just felt lonely like I don't meet the status quo. Like I'm not good enough. And I started thinking about him and missing being with somebody. Just having someone to hug, and talk to or text. I have all my friends and family to do this with but I still wanted him. His name is the first thing that comes to my mind.
I have a mental illness. I'm sure of it.
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