Please don't Crumble

 Please don't Crumble.

I know you are a strong, strong girl and I'm sorry this keeps happening to you but you have to keep going.

Don't be sad or hurt, just let him go.

I unloaded on Curtis a couple weeks ago.  I told him I was in a lot of pain and I was just constantly replaying scenarios in my head.  That I wanted to forget him.  That I was mad I let him back into my life only for the same thing to happen again.  And I told him I was going to try to stop talking to him because all my memories I have of him, even though they made me so happy, turned out to be a lie.

And then I just disconnected and haven't opened messenger since.

I was feeling pretty okay the days following after.  And then something happened, I dunno I watched Your Lie in April probably and then it made me think of him all over again.  And this morning I finally went to read his reply.  I don't know why I waited so long.  Maybe I needed time to brace myself and prepare.  I probably should have never read it because there is no going back once you have that knowledge.

I just reset my 2 week no-contact goal, today.  I know I should block him and delete everything I have of him but I can't.  I feel very weak this time like all my goals are so far away.  Normally I know what I have to do and I just start doing things and forcing myself to be busy.  But its really hard this time.  I just don't have the willpower or enthusiasm.

Curtis replied back to me that he just doesn't see anything romantic between us.  'I just don't think I could be with you romantically. I really like you a lot as a person, though' ..... So he likes me a lot as but just platonically.  Hahahahahahaha, wow isn't that what I said to Coleston?  I dunno I'm sad obviously and also upset and mad.  I mean, yeah my ideal turn out was to date, but when that was going down the drain I just wanted him to be my friend.  And I tried talking to him like so but he was just being a big ol' asshole and hiding and being a shitty person at conversing.  Like, I don't know I liked him as a person too and how much we got along and that's what I wanted to keep.  I don't think I even wanted the hand holding or sex I just wanted someone to talk to, but you wouldn't even give that to me.  I liked having sex with Coleston, we had really great sexual chemistry, and I wanted all the other stuff from Curtis.  And the other thing that makes me really, really upset is.  I didn't move into the romantic zone.  Curtis did.  I was nervous and I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said yes.  He was the one who told me he wanted to kiss me first, and he was the one who made the move.  I always thing I know when people like me, but I'm also crazy and wrong.  So I didn't know, and I moved at your pace and when you crossed that line and kissed me then I took it from there and figured it was okay to like you like that.

That's why I am mad.  I'm upset because you played with me.  

I want to yell at you and call you a liar and a jerk and an asshole and to grow up.  I want to say so many things to you.

And I'm asking myself to please find the strength to don't do any of that.  You're only going to hurt yourself again.  Please, please, please find the strength to let him go and move on.  You are not going to get anywhere further on this.  

If you can, maybe eventually you'll learn to see those as happy memories.  Work on that, C.  Work on changing your memories from the past into happy ones.  They aren't sad because they are over, they are happy because you got to experience them.  Laugh when you think about them, don't try to block them out maybe, just embrace that it brought you so much joy.  And they still can as long as you look at them in a happy light.

Please don't crumble.