What is Meant to Be is Meant to Be

I dunno if I'm just romanticizing everything again.  

Life is so bizarre.  I want it to be a textbook where everything plays out like a chapter with perfect examples and scenarios and an answer key at the back.

I'm currently at a phase where I think I met my soulmate.  I say this because I've never met or felt the way I feel around PBC.  That nothing can explain it.  

But the logical thing I think is, I'm just growing and learning to accept things now, instead of getting mad and holding grudges?

I don't know.

But I still really do feel like I'm meant to know him.  Maybe not romantically, even though I would love that.

So anyways, here I am again to talk things out.

I messaged him again last week.  I KNOW I KNOW I JUST LIKE GETTING BURNED OKAY.

We had Mental Health Awareness at work and it made me think about him (well its partial truth because honestly I have a mental illness that makes me always think about people I like).  And I messaged him to tell him that and asked how he was doing.  And also threw in a joke about shiny magikarp hunting.

He replied back that he was just thinking about me, too and also asked how I was.  And we chatted for a bit.  He told me he was doing better and trying to keep busy which was helping.  At the end of the night, I messaged him bye and he messaged me sweet dreams.

I'm probably thinking into that message too much, but it made me happy.  I remember waking up the next day feeling similar to how I felt when I decided I was done with Coleston.  Similar..... but not identical.  I knew I wasn't going to be sad anymore, but I still wanted PBC to be around.  We didn't talk the next day, but I did message him the day after.  Just a funny meme that I saw, and then I sent him another picture of my grumpy Eevee, which he found very very funny.  We started talking about anime's and it felt similar to October again, where it was just easy conversation.  He suggested a new romcom for me to watch and I told him I didn't like watching romcoms because they are too realistically-unrealistic.  But that I did watch Your Name because I saw him post about it.  And then we got on the topic of crying, lol.  He told me that A Silent Voice was his new all time fav anime, but they both made him cry.  That after Your Name ended he went to watch YouTube reaction videos so he could cry more.  Lol, how masochistic.

I had to leave in the middle of the convo, but I wish now that I just continued talking.  When I got back home, I messaged him again and we just talked about normal things again for the rest of the day.  And at the end of the night he said goodnight when I went to bed, and that was 2 days ago.  

I know I asked myself before I messaged him what I was expecting to get out of reaching out to him, and I don't know.  I knew I had to accept that he might not have anything to give, so I guess I'm not shocked.  I just really wanted him to be a part of my life.

Oh.

And he told me he'll move back to Halifax in the summer.

So I guess there's that.

Lol.

I don't think he is interested in talking to me regularly anymore.

Which, whatever its fine.  Expectations are what ruin things, remember.

And so brings me to Your Name. I like this move a lot because..... it deals a little bit with fate, destiny, maybe time travel..... the Red String of Destiny.  You know.  I loved everything about this movie, Just how the 2 found each other, how the 2 lost each other, how the 2 finally met and how they found each other again.  They didn't even know that they were looking for each other, they just knew they were looking for something.  But when they met each other again, they knew they were supposed to know each other.

And that's how I feel about Curtis.

I don't actually remember this, I only know cause I looked back on my blogs, but when I first messaged PBC 7 years ago the first thing I said was "I have an incredible urge to message you".  And looking back at my silly blog entries I actually was quite enamoured with him, to the point where I couldn't look him in the face.  He was a big player back then.  And I forgot how many times I tried to get him to talk to me, but eventually I just gave up to try and work on myself.  However, he is the only guy I have ever been romantically interested in, who I didn't block.  I just kept him on my FB for some unknown reason.  And we didn't talk for over 7 years.

Until October when he messaged me to apologize for what he did back then.  I told him not to worry about it and that I never really held anything against him.  In reality though, it made me feel so happy and it boosted my confidence a lot.  I actually felt like I wasn't wrong or a bad person all those years ago because someone thought of me and came back to tell me, You're a great person, It was just Me who messed up.  And we started chatting and seemed to hit things off immediately.  I just found it so easy to talk to him.  And I'm sure a lot of girls say this to him, but to me, from my standpoint.  It was so rare.  I can't emphasize enough how normal I felt.  You know the quote you've seen around where its something like "Its sad that you've forgotten the type of person you were before depression became your life"  Well he made me forget about my depression when I was with him.  I was very very happy, and I swear being around him made me want to work on myself more.  I said to him a couple times before too, "You feel like a puzzle piece that fits really well".  

But of course the thing happened.  The thing happened, and I think I got over it and we are friends again, but now he's moving.  And just, yeah neither of us should get involved knowing how things are going to unfold, so.  Let it go right?

I do quite believe in fate and destiny.  That things happen for a reason, that there are things more powerful than coincidences drawing people, things and places together and to each other.  

In this scenario:

1. I reached out to Curtis 7 years ago saying I have a strong urge to message you. He was 1 of 3 people I ever messaged on there (1 being Dave, 2 being Brendan)
2. I never deleted him, of all people, off my FB, when I've deleted and blocked Dave, Andrew and Coleston
3. He reached out to me 7 years later to apologize and talk
4. I had back then and still have an unexplainable pull to him
5. He shared and posted an anime about 2 people who are destined to meet

You guys just thinking I'm thinking too hard about this and that I sound crazy I know.  But it's just too much of a coincidence for me to believe its nothing.

But I dunno what to do...... Like, the guy is literally moving away right after I found him again.....

I guess I just let things go and see if they come back again, huh.  And if they don't.... well then it's not meant to be, right?

The animation to Your Name was beautiful, too.  Plus I effing love astronomy stuff too so it was just perfect.