My Coping Mechanism

 Is weed.

A lot of weed, lol.  It used to be sleeping meds, but weed is much easier to access and..... safer?

Why am I like this you guys.  Why do I get so hung up on guys?  What is with me that needs to have a partner in life in order to feel complete.

I'm really co-dependant, I guess.  It's a term that I've been seeing pop up a lot and I've added it to my vocabulary, along with Gaslighting and Boundaries and Saviour Complex.  (*eyeball roll* what a Millennial) I'm really co-dependant, which I think is ironic because physically I think I'm pretty independent.

Or do I just want to prove to people that I am seem independent.... and am therefore co-dependent on other peoples praise and acceptance?  

Lol, see.

I'm so messed up.

And I actually miss Curtis.  Or his presence.  Which I don't know if it was real or not.  Ha-ha you guys I am so fucked up in the head.  PBC has no idea.

I'm-a-lonely, and sad.  Hahaha I don't feel as crushingly depressed as when like, I broke up with Dave, I'm still able to function but I feel really really sad and empty.  Like I just don't want to start again.

I really cannot explain it but I feel a connection with PBC, like I really have known him my entire life.  It feels like I'm talking to Iris when I talk to him, and I don't feel silly or akward around him.  I feel like myself.  Myself that isn't wearing a mask or pretending.

Hahahaha, I really dunno you guys.  I tell myself I'm not depressed because I remember what it was like to feel deathly depressed and I'm not there.

Just, like.  Why do you do this?  Why do you victimize yourself all the time and act like the world is out to get you.  Why are you the one who feels bad after something didn't work out that was beyond your fixing?  Like Coleston, you literally tried everything you possible could that time and you still found some way to make it your fault for things not working out.

The only light at the end of the tunnel I can see right now is.  After 3 chances with people, I tend to get my closure.  When I called it off with Coleston last year I was 99% positive I was done, after what happened I just felt that my heart wouldn't be in it again for him, that I had tried my absolute hardest and it still wasn't working so I knew things would never work out again.

I did reach out to PBC again on the weekend, like I told Jess I would.  I just wanted to tell him that while I was sad how things turned out again, he could talk to me if he needed someone, and that I liked him.  He responded some wishy-washy answer that He appreciated my message but just felt like he had nothing to give, and felt like he was hurting everyone.  I responded back again saying I wasn't deliberately taking a long time to reply to play games, I was just having trouble with words cause everything felt like the wrong thing to say.  But that everybody has their own way of dealing with things.

He didn't bother to read my messages.

So, I just deleted them after a couple days and I felt like that might be my finality.  I gave him once, twice, three chances and it ended up in the same place.

The thing that is the wildcard in this situation is if he really is going through a bout with depression right now, then it throws everything off and makes everything he is doing and not doing acceptable..... Right?  

Yes and No I guess.  

You can't be with someone who is unwilling to see their own faults and work on them. 

At least I am actively trying to fix my mental health cause I know untreating it is not going to make it go away.  Whereas PBC?  I dunno I don't think he realizes this, yet.

I think we are soul-friends.  I'm meant to know him.  And not like a Meant-to-Know-Him so it will teach me a lesson, kind of way.  

Lol, I'm so sad you guys I don't want to remember or feel anything right now!