Comfort Zone

I stepped out of my comfort zone by deciding to chase a guy that was the exact opposite of me. Someone who was the reverse image of the last person I dated. I thought it would be different. I thought I could learn more and grow.

It turned out they weren't very different after all. 

They were all liars. 

Now it's called Concealed Depression, eh?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html?utm_hp_ref=canada-living&ir=Canada%20Living

"Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it's difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so."

Did you hear that you numbskull.

One Trip a Year

Once a year I have a really bad week and start talking sleeping pills again, then I have a really worrisome experience and trip, and put the pills away for the year. 

I had a conversation with B on Monday night while the sleeping pills were kicking in and this is what the convo went like. A little bit alarming, no?

I told him I would take the pulls until Friday and stop.  

The following night I ate an entire bag of kitkat bites, had 2 full conversations with friends via text and replied 6 times to a post my friend put on my wall. 

I remember almost none of this. 

So at the caution of a couple friends, I put the Zopiclone away. Now I'm just hoping I can get a good night's rest  normally. 

Take care, everybody. 

Doing Okay

Hi Sports Fans,

Just wanted to check in. I'm doing a lot better today. Forgot to take the zopiclone until it was too late, so now I'm just up and aware and re-reading my last message to Andrew. (Omg stop, I know)

It doesn't feel so bad today, I read it and it doesn't make me as sad anymore. Time heals all, I guess. 

Of course I'm still wondering how he's doing and how he reacted. Worst case scenario he thought I was being a mega bitch and deleted everything I've ever sent as well. Best case scenario is he re-reads it every night like I did and thinks of everything that happened....

 I'm a Puta, I know.

I'm my biggest enemy. I'm always trying to prove myself to myself but of course I'm never good enough. When I think back I was always trying to prove myself to him. To show him that I was smart and eloquent and knowledgable. The last few times I re-read that message I felt really selfish and naive. Ill never make it past this stage if I don't stop beating myself up every time someone likes me or gives me a compliment. I'm sure Andrew and I would never have happened as we were so different but.... Ah I dunno. Don't think so much, C. 

Anyways, I think I wrote a really good comment/response on FB regarding an EJ article. It sounds really professional and I think Andrew would have enjoyed reading it..... :(

The Irony

I'm pretty subdued right now from the zopiclone. Thankful actually do I was pretty quiet and mellow todat at work. One thing  I found interesting  about today is the people who noticed something was wrong. My GM and our UPS guy. All of them pretty much strangers and yet when I said hi and smiled they saw past my fake smile and asked me what was wrong.

How funny, the people who barely know you can tell more about you than your actually friends.

And then somehow..... you're in another place

I'm super lucky I started taking zopiclone again. I'm positive I would be a mess if I wasn't. It makes me not want to eat anything, and anything I do eat tastes like metal but.... It mellows me out. I don't feel sad at all. It's good.

Andrew has been the most confusing boy I have ever met. Gabby and Brendan and Ryan and all my other friends are right, when I think about it. He caused me so much pain and we weren't even dating. How worse would it be if we were. I know a lot of the downfall had to do with myself. My expectations and my lack of self confidence probably helped put the distance between us. It's not all my fault I know, but it's not all his fault either. He was really really bad at communicating and paying attention to things I told him. I told him a lot of problems that I had or things that bothered me and he didn't do a single thing about them.

I like getting good morning messages from you, Andrew.

And then you stopped saying good morning to me. I just don't understand.

I tried to stop talking to you right before the Christmas Break. I felt devastated that first day you ignored me. I told you the things that you were doing that made me hurt and you ignored me. I had a break down. I thought I got better as more time passed. Everyone told me to forget about you and that you were immature. Move on. So I tried and deleted your number and all your messages.

And then you messaged me several days later. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
I ignored it.
And then you messaged me again the next day. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
And I ignored it.

You kept liking photos of mine on Facebook and in one weak moment I messaged you back. We talked for a couple days, but every time I just felt sad. I complained a lot to you, I know. But you weren't helping either. It felt like you weren't even trying to have a conversation with me. And you would reply back when it was convenient for you. And so of course I messed up again. On New Years Eve I got sent home work early because I was sick. I had spent almost 3 days just lying in bed sleeping. But you were still messaging me. You asked me what I was doing tonight and if I had plans. Silly me thought you wanted to do something with me. So I told you I wanted to go see the fireworks. I thought you would come with me. But you didn't. You didn't even reply. So I got mad. I got mad and told you that you were boring, that you never asked me to do anything except ask how I was doing. And of course you ignored me. I'm surprised because I actually wasn't even that upset. I just went and saw the fireworks by myself.

And I tried to stop talking to you again. I deleted your number and your messages again. I blocked you on Snapchat and I blocked you on Facebook and I blocked you on Instagram. I knew that if I didn't, I would find some stupid reason to message you again, or post photos that I was hoping you would see. I wanted you to go away.

But at the same time I was hoping you would message me again.

And you did. 6 days later you messaged me and said you knew I wasn't doing very well. You already had plans for NYE. And you hoped I was doing better in 2015.

During those 6 days when I didn't talk to you I hoped and hoped and hoped you would message me.
Just so I could ask you to leave me alone. Because I think that is the only way I can be normal around you. If you aren't here.

I thought all day of what I wanted to say to you and I replied right after 5pm.
I know and I'm sorry.
Every single time I talk to you I feel happy for about 2 hours and then I feel stupid and regretful and the years and years of depression suffocating me.
I sent it right after work so I wouldn't get distracted and I thought I could have an actual non-interrupted conversation with you. I thought we could go for delicious Seafood Udon Soup and Kyoto and I could pay for your meal and we would be even, and I would say good bye.
But of course that didn't happen.
He didn't reply.

So I just said Goodbye.

I can't play with you anymore, Andrew. I'm really sorry. If you have even the tiniest bit of respect for me, I beg you to please stop talking to me and please leave me alone. Every time I see a message from you now, I don't know what to say or do to start feeling better. I had to block you on all my social media sites. I'm sorry but its the only thing I knew how to do to prevent myself from contacting you again.
All I've ever wanted my entire life was to feel like I mattered to someone. But when I try to have conversations with you I feel so disposable. I haven't felt the depression this bad in in almost 2 years and it all started coming back after I met you. You were such a wonderful person when we first met and I don't understand what happened. Probably me. I told you to backhand me if I ever started whining too much, remember.
I wish you the best of luck in 2015 and I hope you have a wonderful birthday surrounded by people you love and can be yourself around. I'm sorry I can't return your dinner to you
"There is no cure for the common cold and there is no cure for the affection affliction" - Except Time.
Goodbye Andrew.

That's the jist of the message I sent. Maybe it was a bit more poetic. I can't remember the zopiclone had kicked in by then. I'll probably read it one more time when I get home and I'll delete it. And I hope that's all I need.

I feel really good right now. Good meaning I don't feel anything. Quite numb. Like my brain is cloudy and not capable of thinking.

It feels wonderful and I hope it doesn't stop anytime soon.

One Year Ago Today

One Year Ago Today I Started Feeling Better.
I know because I wrote a post on December 16th, 2013 saying so.
Ironic.
One year ago today a boy was the reason I was finally able to crawl out of my slump, and today because of a boy I fell back in again.

You're such a silly girl. Look at all those posts you wrote about Andrew. You knew he wasn't making you happy so why did you stick around. You silly, stupid girl.

My heart hurt so much today. I just thought that maybe you would understand me. I knew you had problems and I thought maybe you were like me and that you would understand. That you understood how being alone felt and how it hurt. But you didn't. You might actually be worse than Dave, in terms of making me feel alone. This was one of the last things I said to him while we were still dating.

I never expect to be first in your life. Or even second. But I can't be last on the list because it would make me feel so worthless.

Am I that hard to deal with? I must be if 2 people since Dave haven't been able to stick around me longer than a few months. I never realized how bad it was. It makes me really sad. I thought I was doing really good with Andrew. I thought the reason I met him was to make me learn that it was okay to not expect a reply right away. I was doing okay. I thought so anyways. But. I should have known. You didn't really care at all, even after I told you.

I read somewhere before that, if you start a new relationship, don't ever compare it to a previous one. That's where it goes wrong. Treat it like a brand new story. And I guess I didn't do that. That's my fault, and I guess I'll say sorry for that.

I feel sad again today. I couldn't stop crying at work and almost got sent home. I've never cried in front of someone before, so I suppose that means it hurt a lot this time.

Just breathe. You'll be okay in a couple months.

You big dummy

*sigh*
I dunno what to do. I haven't talked to Andrew since Sunday night. He's messaged me once every day, with just a random message. I don't know what to do. As usual, I wanna talk to him, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I shouldn't. My gut feeling has almost never been wrong..... right? I dunno. I wanna message him back but that's just gonna say I don't care what you did and its okay, right? I'm sure if I told anyone the entire story they would roll their eyes and say I'm over reacting..... but we've only met once and he's brushed me off a handful of times already. What does that say about him? Nothing good can come from this right? So I'm really setting myself up for more disappointment and slaps in the face because its already happened so often.....But also, I don't want to be the meanie that just stops talking to you. I know how that feels cause its been done to me before too. So, what should I do then?

*sigh*
I told myself I never want to fall for someone again and be put into the position where I felt like I couldn't survive without them. I never want someone to be the source of my happiness again.

If it doesn't bring you happiness....

Let it go
I decided I wouldn't hang around people that made me sad, anymore. That means you, Andrew. Half of the time I'm happy when you talk to me and half of the time you make me feel sad. That's too much time to be feeling sad.
I just don't understand how you think, and how you think its okay to do the things you do and say, and think its okay to brush me off like that. Four times, Andrew. Four Times. My friends told me to stop talking to you after the second time. Like an idiot I didn't. The thing that makes me the saddest is you don't even realize how mean brushing me off is. You go on like nothing happened. I even asked you last week. Don't tell me you want to do something and make me wait for you and then cancel last minute. It's rude an inconsiderate and it means you have no respect for me and my time. And what did you do on Sunday? You did exactly the same thing. I didn't think I was going to be so mad, but the more I thought about it the more disappointed I got and sad for liking you. I didn't talk to you all day yesterday and I'm pretty sure you didn't care and didn't think I was upset with you. When Dave liked me he at least seemed to make every attempt possible to see me, in the beginning and didn't play with me like a toy.

You, on the other hand, are a big liar and a jerk, and I hope I find the strength to tell you to go away.

Welcome Back

I miss not being in Edmonton. I miss wandering around 12 hours a day. I miss feelin like I'm rich. Ha-ha. 

Here comes the regret. Lots of regret not buying more stuff or stuff that I saw but didn't want at the time. I guess I'll just say it's an excuse for me to go back to Tokyo again one day. In a couple years? Next year? Just a short trip and then HK and then Taiwan is the current plane. Just another year. Sigh. 6 more months and you can take another trip, silly. 

It snowed today. Felt a little sad. 

Can I tell you guys something? B said he missed me. It was in a group message and it was following a humorous conversation, but it still kinda surprised me. Next day I told him I felt sad being back in Edmonton, and he said "you have nice legs, why are you worrying?" He also messages me practically as soon as I got off the plane seeing if I wanted to go out...... (He's not single, you guys)

Aiya. This guy always says such simple things that get to me. You over think to much, silly girl~

And on a somewhat related note Andrew messaged me once when I came back and haven't heard from him since. :(

And the Spark Fizzles

Arg,

I hate men. This blog is all about how much they irk me, I swear.
The irony is ridiculous. I'm trying super hard to be patient with Andrew, but this guy is moving way slow. I know I said I wanted to find someone to just hang out with and not be serious but I think this is pushing it. To the point where I don't think he is actually even interested. It actually brings me more pain than happiness to message him because of how long it takes him to reply. I thought I was interesting enough to at least warrant a reply. And from what I've learned from the last 2 years.
If it doesn't bring you happiness. Let it go.

It's a Bizarre Feeling

I'm super overwhelmed right now and yet I don't feel a single thing.

Work was up the wall today and I didn't feel angry.
Andrew didn't message me at all today after I got mad at him and I didn't feel sad.
So, so much sewing to do before Saturday and I don't feel stressed.

Maybe I've used up all my emotions. Is this possible?
Is it unreasonable to like a text reply back within 3 hours? Am I being crazy possessive bitch? I dunno. I don't think its too much to ask. It's not even hard.
brb
Look. That took like 3 seconds to type. I dunno. I'm going mental I think. I keep telling myself this and yet I don't listen. Your'e just not meant to be in a relationship. You overthink and worry and become the worst person. Or maybe you're doing the right thing and just listening to your gut? These small things you're trying so hard not to care about actually really do bother you. So weed them out. It's not fair, and its not nice, and its inconsiderate to me. I don't think its hard at all to write a simple 'Yes or No or Maybe' back to someone in a timely manner is it? I think Andrew has some deep dark secrets as well, but he doesn't like talking. I try, but its just not going anywhere. We're both broken.
Or maybe just I'm broken.
I remember saying to Dave. I don't ever expect to be #1 in your life, but I would like to be somewhere on that list. And he couldn't accommodate that.
So... yeah. That's my reasoning for over-reacting when people don't respond to my texts.
I'm not worth their time.

It hurts you know.

Just having some brain thoughts with myself today.
I told Andrew last week when I had that mini shit storm that the thought of dating scared me. I thought I was just over exaggerating, but maybe I'm not. I don't like the me that I turn into when I'm dating. Because when I'm dating it means someone cares about me. It means someone is willing to listen to me. And I have a lot to say when someone says they'll listen. What do you expect, I bottle it up so well.

Sigh. I dunno. I hope life ends soon. I'm tired.

It's 1:30am

And I'm up and blogging again.

Not a good sign.

2 feet on the ground, C. 2 feet on the ground at all times.

Perhaps I was a bit preemptive in my last post. Yeah. My 3 crushes messaged me almost simultaneously out of no-where. But maybe it's my wishful thinking that it meant something. Ha-ha. I don't think I ever should be in a relationship again. Probably not going to happen but if I wanted to continue being a strong person and to keep growing. I shouldn't. Just the thought of some guy being interested in me turns me into a complete dunce. Heck, even writing in here again. I've been doing really really well, productive, getting so much done, growing, goals achieved this entire year, all because I decided I wanted to be alone. And them a silly boy maybe enters into my life and throws all my productivity out the window. Causes my brain to go into overdrive and over thinking. I want someone to spend time with and someone I can talk to, but I don't think I can. Does that make sense? I want to date slowly and not jump in and fall. But I don't know how to do that. My heart doesn't know how to do that. It just runs whenever someone interesting steps into your life.

So, in April I went to an old co-workers birthday party and met some of her friends. One of those was kind of a cute guy. We added each other on FB and never really talked. He just liked a lot of my photos. He's pretty different from me, probably what interested me about him. Anyways, we didn't really talk but someone I got his number last week and we've been texting back and fourth for a bit. I figured he might be interested.

That same week. I was sitting in the staff room at work having late lunch by myself. My coworker, who I don't know how but I recently started to find attractive walked past the staff room. Then he ran back in a gave me a HUGE teddy bear hug and said 'You looked so Lonely!" then ran off. And then every so often he would refer to me as 'doll' or 'my love'. In a joking context of course. But it suddenly started happening.

And finally. On Friday while heading out of town to go camping, none other than the notorious PonyboyC messages me and asks how I'm doing...... Uh, wtf, right? I thought he wanted a costume made for the Expo but when I mentioned it nothing was brought up. Maybe he was looking for a hook-up. I dunno what would have happened if he was....

My co-workers friend is the one I'm most interested in right now, probably because he's 'new and exciting', but this week I've been feeling kinda down. Maybe from the poor camping diet, or bad sleeping habit this week. We were texting a lot last week and then the last 2 days it kinda died down. And of course that gets over active brain thinking and wondering. Is it me? Did I bore him? Did I say something that he didn't like? And then I think to myself. Eff. What the heck is wrong with you. You don't even know this guy and you're getting all riled up again. Did you decide you didn't want this shit anymore and after you broke up with Dave you said you didn't want to date again until you were strong enough? Isn't today clear indication that you aren't? Getting worked up over a stranger who didn't text you back. You recognized that feeling today at work. The feeling of disappointment from checking your phone and seeing he didn't respond back. And then again at home today. What does that tell you C. That you still haven't grown up enough yet.

Never. Don't Ever Fall for Anyone Again.

What Just Happened....

So. I appear to somehow be in a Love Rectangle of some sort?

The 3 guys I currently have a crush on all started talking to me suddenly this week. 

Just missing B and it woulda been a Love Pentagon ....

Epiphany Day

I found a quote today that said

Sometimes a small step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step. 

And I just thought how happy I am that I feel like I took that step. And then I started wondering how I got here and remembered Ponyboy. I thought I it was totally him. He was really the turning point for me. It wasn't even like it was a good outcome but meeting him really shook things into perspective. Yeah he turned out to me an asshole but in the end he made me see how negative and self conscious I had become and after he stopped talking to me I feel like I snapped out of my slump and tried really really hard to be more positive. Sometimes I think I'm so glad I met him and that the things unfolded exactly the way they should have. It was painful but I feel like it happened for a reason and I was totally meant to meet him so I would find the right path again. 

And this comes to my final note. When Ponyboy messaged me on POF for the first time, my reply to him was something like 'Hi, I have an incredible urge to reply back to you and I'm not sure why.....' I know why now, but I'm not sure who was doing the urging. Myself? Or someone watching out for me?

Emotions

"I feel weird. 

I have never felt .... Hate towards someone before. I don't like it but I don't know what to do or how to stop...."

The Promise of Death.

In the end, everyone dies.

Young and Old, so I don't really think about sickness or my safety and well-being and what I can do to prevent this or that. I don't want to be so scared of everything that I don't get to see daylight or breathe natural air. Moreso, I just hope I can live a fulfilling life, no matter how short it is.

Not many people agree with this, but this is what I believe. I want to live my life with little regret. If I live to be 80 with mass arthritis everywhere Id be happy because I think that means I experienced life and at the same time, be okay if I were to die tomorrow because I've done everything I could up until that point. 

The key to happiness?

Love Yourself or You'll Never be Loved by Anyone Else. 

Don't. Just Don't.

The same people keep asking me if I've found a boyfriend yet and every time I say No, they look at me with a sad face. 

You know what. Don't.

In case you guys haven't noticed I'm pretty fucking happy being single right now. It's Awesome. I don't have to worry about pussies and broke promises and soul crushing heart break and snoring and being choked in my sleep. 

It's fucking Great.

What is Going On?!

I had another dream about Supercrush this morning :S

What is going on indeed? Maybe it was just the bowl of kimchi noodles I had last night. Or that I watched 8 episodes of Dexter in a row. Something is throwing my brain in a whirl and I dreamt Supercrush and kissed again. Very Odd. But not really cuz its been on my mind lately.
I'm totally a high school girl again !!
But it wasn't one of those lusty dreams it was almost like it could happen in real life..... Slow and Subtle.....

I need to stop.