A Silent Voice

 When I was still talking to PBC last week he mentioned an anime called A Silent Voice.  Rather, he sent me a Cinema Therapy clip where they reviewed the movie.  I really like that channel and it piqued my interest to watch the movie, so I did.

I definitely don't think PBC sent this to me for that reason, but I see that movie as being about us.  PBC was Ishida and I'm either Nishimiya or the best friend that tries to be his best friend after barely knowing him.  Curtis was not a good person when I first met him almost 10 years ago.  But I still liked him and I wanted to be friends.  I just moved on with my life though trying to be a better and stronger person.  Whether or not I succeeded in that is a different story, but we crossed paths again almost a decade later.  He reached out to me and apologized for being a bad person and said that he was trying to atone for some of the bad things that he did.  That I was one of the people that popped into his head from time to time as a regret.

I smiled like Nishimiya did and said its okay.  It didn't hurt.

I think it did though.  I just forgot.

I can't say it was all PBC who turned me into a self loathing person, of course.  That's all me.  But that movie did hit home a little.  The X's on the faces is something I didn't know why it resonated with me, until I watched the Cinema Therapy breakdown.  It's cause he wasn't looking people in the eye and recognizing faces.  Which is what I remember not being able to do.  Back in my blog post years ago when I first met PBC.  I literally said "I couldn't look him in the eye".... and I know I did that with more than just him.

I felt like him and I are Ishida and Nishimiya.  Just like how I always smile and try to think of the positive side of things.  Even though I'm likely hurting a lot inside.

Obviously he doesn't know this.  I think he thinks he is Ishida and that's it.

I Feel the Most Normal I Have Ever Felt...

..... but so why do I still not feel good enough?.....

Why am I so unlovable....  Really what is wrong with me that's just to overwhelming and abhorring?  

When I try and be myself its too much and too annoying.  When I try to be who I'm not and hide in a shell it's still too annoying.  I really don't know what I'm doing wrong that makes me so unlovable.  That makes men lose interest in me after 2 weeks.  Why.

I don't get it, I've been really taking all the lessons I've been taught these last couple years and really learning from them.  But so why am I still alone.  I don't even think I've been over bearing with Curtis this time.  Like.....  Things were going amazing the first 2 weeks.  I was BEYOND happy, I couldn't believe things were going so well.  And then he got laid off and I think spiraled into a deep dark depression.  I really tried to be there for him and I don't know.  The only thing I can think of is maybe he thought I was like.... encrouching too fast.  That he barely knew me and I was just trying to give life advice?  I dont know.  Well anyways I was trying to be positive around him for like... a month and a half.  He's just been moping and incapaple of doing anything, including finding a new job, so shit built up, got worse and... yeah.  I don't know what to say.  I tried to help in ways I could.  I asked if I could do anything to help, maybe a grocery trip, or a hug.  And he said a hug would be nice.  I really.... I dunno I just feel like I'm not getting a fair bargain in this friendship.  Like every single day its about him and him and him, I ask him how he's doing he tells me, he complains, I try and talk to him.  He stopped asking about my day and how I was doing and like.  I dunno.  It's so difficult because he's depressed and going through some shit, I kinda know this feeling so I can't push him and be like Snap the Fuck Outta It,  Stop being an attention whore.  Like..... things are so one-sided.  And then comes to the thoght that enter's my head on bad days.  He was just fucking around from day 1.  He's over and done with me weeks and weeks ago but just couldn't say anything.  In which case this.  I would be equally upset about because I asked him so many times, if he is done with me then just say so so I can move on and carry on.  But nope, he never said anything.  Just beat around the question.  

UGH its SO INFURIATING.

Its more upsetting putting this down on a screen but I just HATE MEN LIKE THIS.

Like your ego is so fragile and weak.  Causing more problems with your indecisiveness.

On Tuesday I sent him a skip meal cause plans got cancelled and he asked me not to come over, so I wanted to just send him something so he knew someone cared about him.  Well, like a couple hours after he got his meal and said thanks, he stopped talking to me.  And, like I dont know what I was expecting but it wasn't a closed door.  He didn't talk to me for a day and I was just like..... wow okay.... not sure how I feel about this.  He does message me on Thursday though and we kinda "chat" (not really because I deleted FB from my phone).  On Thursday late at night, I ask him if he's going to let me visit him again because I was lonely and I wanted a little attention.  He replies back "Tonight would have been the night, lol"  And I was like.... A. That doesn't answer my question, B. What is that even trying to answer?  I say to him, yeah not interested (because it was like 10pm) and a Thursday night.  He leaves me on read....

That's fine, maybe hes just thinking he does have tendancy to reply later..... Friday morning, nothing.  So I double texted "Glad I put myself out there again" (thumbs up).  It's true, I've been initiating everything the last little bit and I'm getting so tired of being shot down.  IF YOUR NOT INTERESTED FUCKING SAY SO.  Like I keep saying this but its been such a one-sided friendship.  I'm giving him constant 110% support and positivity and I'm just like.... not getting anything.  No attention mentally or physically.  F U, Curtis.

He replies back "Well I'm busy Saturday and Sunday so I was just saying yesterday would have been the night to do it"  And then I reply " I dunno Would have been nice with more than 20 mintues notice.  Coming over only to go straight to sleep and waking up at 630am didn't exactly sound enticing.  I wasn't looking for a booty call"  And then he said "That is not what the implication was at all"  "I was simply stating I was busy the rest of the week and yesterday would have been the best day"  And I dunno, seeing Coleston just taught me to stop aruging and walk away when your temper is rising.  And it was for me.  Like,  THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION.  "Yesterday" not possible, sorry bud.  And your life exists past the weekend, so what you're booked up for the rest of your life??  I can come over never, then is that what you're saying?

Like.  I know I sound so stupid and desperate typing this out.  Like it should be clearly obvious that this guy has been using me (but gaining nothing but that one free lunch) or just no longer interested and just trying to ghost me until I "get the point".  BUT FUCK.  IVE ASKED HIM, I'VE GIVEN HIM OUTS ALREADY AND HE DIDN'T TAKE THEM.

His answers yesterday were so short and curt it really hurt me.  I was so cut from that,  and I still stupidly gave him a positive reply after that. 

Kill them with Kindness.

That's what my goal is.  It's evil because I want people to know they fucked up for walking away from me.

Plot Twist

Yesterday.  For some reason, I decided to read through a bunch of my blog entries.  Which I'm sure you all know are diary entries.  Originally I was thinking about B and how the last time we saw each other played out.  And because my memory on the past was blurry, I though.... Hey.... if B tried to kiss me one day, I'm positive I would have blogged about it.  And so, I was skimming through my entries, trying to find any posts where I talked about him (And totally went down UPS guy and Andrew Lane). But anyways, it was a little painful, and sometimes funny going through my old posts.  If I ever had the opportunity I think I would ask B about these and if he really was hitting on me or not, at the time. 

Anyways.  After having my puzzle piece brain re-arranged, I went back reading some of my entries but this time with the view knowing that B liked me too.  I don't know why it didn't clue in 4 years ago when he replied back saying "I like you too and you know that"  and I was like .... know what?  But it didn't so here we are again.  B is dating someone, and I chose someone else when I should have chosen him.  

So going back through my entries.  Yup.  I found the entry where B tried to kiss me right here.  He came over pre-clubbing on his bday one night and leaned in for a birthday kiss and I got up and said no.  And do you all want to know why I said no?

It was because I was pining over PBC.

Are you kidding me....  You again?  You were who I was hooked on when B made a move back then and you are who I was hooked on when B made a move again.

Why

Are

You

Here?!!

So.  B tried to kiss me and nothing happened because I had met PBC and was trying to deal with him.  I had completely forgotten we had gone on a couple dates and how things actually unravelled.  And I don't even know if its a good thing that it triggered all these memories.  Because.  They weren't good.  I called him an asshole.  He wasn't the perfect saviour card that I remember him as and boy.  That was a hard read.

And so. Its like I've come full circle again, just EXACTLY back where I was almost 10 years ago.  I still like B, and I still like PBC.  I chose PBC over B and know I'm wondering what would have happened if it went the other way around.

I was thinking a lot about B yesterday.  Mind you I was super, super high, I thought about him a lot.  And especially reading all those posts.....  I really paid attention to him and I'm wondering if all those times he really was trying to make a move on me.  Like when we drove to Victoria Circle "to play Pokemon Go".  Where he held my hand trying to hold the vape.  I don't know, I think I'm just over playing scenarios in my head because I'm so dramatic but.  Oh gosh, those would have been some romantic ideas if that is what he was trying to do.  LOL.

I almost messaged him today to see if he wanted to meet up.  Mostly cause I'm not doing so good after PBC v.2.  But I just don't want to stir his life up again.  I can't believe I turned down a kiss from him 2 times.  Just like... what are the chances.

And back to PBC.  

I dunno.  

I'm going to take a unwelcome break from him.  I don't know what else to do, and I'm upset because 2021 PBC turned out to be a cookie cutter version of 2014 PBC.  The one that just ghosted me and disappeared.  

I mean, do think 2021 PBC is different.  Reading back through my old posts I feel differently about him that I did before.  And I do genuinely feel like I have a connection with him.  But I just don't know why.  It felt so so natural to talk to him.

So.  After our first new date, we texted a lot.  He kept telling me how happy he was and how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  And it was so sweet.  I loved every minute of it and I was so happy.  The second time we met up, we grabbed bubble teas and then came back to my place to start pumpkin carving.  I remember being so nervous because I had told him a couple days ago over text that I wanted to kiss him, so I knew that notion was on the table.  Everywhere I went he would follow me or always be in close vicinity of me.  I don't even know if he knew we were going to spend so much time together but he basically had his Death Eater pumpkin carved in like 2 hours, and then I carved my Mike Wazowski pumpkin in like 6.  Hahaha, but he told me he loved spending time with me and it was so enjoyable.  And so after that he took and posted a picture on his FB and IG.  That reminds me that he will always see that picture as a memory of his.  But so, we went to sit down on the couch and I don't know why but I put a bunch of snacks between us.  Lol, so facepalm right?  And we were just chatting and he was trying so hard not to yawn, but eventually took out his phone to show me a video.  I mean from time to time I definitely stared at him a bit longer cause I wanted to kiss him but I just never managed to find the courage.  So I have to sit in closer to him to see his phone and move the snacks out of the way and bring my legs really close to him and he puts his hand on my leg and starts to rub them a little.  I'm not complaining at all, lol and so things stay like this for about 10 minutes.  The clip ends and then we are kinda quietly chatting and he asks why I'm fidgeting.  I tell him I'm totally not fidgeting, but notice I totally am and stop.  Then he asks me how tall I am and I tell him and he says No Way!  Stand up let me see, and he measures himself against me and says Yeah, I guess you are.  And then he hugs me for a really long time and laughs at how stoic I am.  And we probably say something but then he looks down at me and does the so romantic thing where a guy lifts a girl's chin/face up and kisses her. 

And the rest is history.  We didn't have sex that night, but we made out and I may have taken his pants off and sat on him.  I dunno, I guess it was different this time because when I brought up that we could go upstairs he said we didn't have to and he didn't want to pressure me because it was like, our 2nd date.  And I really did appreciate that actually.  So... lol I gave him blue balls and he put it away.  But we did have sex the next day cause he slept over.  

He told me that he struggles with self image because he used to be a narcissist, and I mean I wouldn't not believe him because when I went to get condoms he asked me if the ones I had would fit him.  And its the only thing he's ever said that made me roll my eyes.  Hahaha.  Though in his defence, it is lengthier than I'm used to...

But so yeah, I just remember him doing so many sweet things.  And he also has unbelievable personal cleanliness.  The only person that rivals this is B.... Lol oh god does this mean they are both narcissists?   Oh no wait, Coleslaw was undoubtedly a narcissist and he was a S.L.O.B.. So well, yeah PBC woke up 30 minutes early for work the day he slept over, so he could not only shower and get ready, but come back and snuggle in bed with me for a little bit.  He would open my door wherever we went and give me forehead and hand kisses, too.  Omg you guys it was so incredibly sweet.  We kept texting everyday and things were going so well.  Our next date he invited me over to his place, after we went Asian Supermarket hopping.  I had so much fun at his place too and we got high (I used a bong for the first time and it was super funny) and ate watermelon gummies and oreos and watched anime and Arcane.  And we had high sex.  Woke up the next morning and had sex again and then we went out and he drove me home, and that was the 2nd best date I had with him before shit hit the fan.

He got laid off the next day.  He became depressed.  He's thinking of moving back to Nova Scotia.  And he stopped talking to me.

I don't know why all this ridiculousness keeps happening to me.  

I was physically and mentally so. happy.  I thought this was it.  I thought I finally found a core puzzle piece.  And then it just went downhill so quickly.  And I'm struggling to accept that I have to start over again.  I don't want to.  I literally saw the finish line and I just don't want to start over again.

I thought this time I was applying all the things I had learned from seeing Coleston for 2 years into this relationship.  Being positive, trying to catch myself when I whine, trying not to gaslight PBC.  The only one I'd say I failed at was not trying to be a saviour.  I do have a saviour complex and I think that is what kicked in the last couple weeks.  And maybe that's what cause PBC to shell up.  I don't know.  I mean, he is going through a lot right now.  He's trying to figure out how to pay his bills, he's trying to figure out if he should leave Edmonton.  

I just wanted this to be my storyline this time.  And so yeah.  That's what's happening.  He's basically stopped talking to me again, albeit I believe he has a valid reason this time.

But I don't know.  My brain has not been doing well since this started happening.  It's torn between 2 beliefs. 

A. He is really struggling and lost
B. He was just using me 

Regardless of what the real answer is.  I don't know how much damage has been done now.  I still really like him and I do believe him 85% but I dunno, what happens next?  Well.  I guess when I think critically, there is like a less than 50% chance he'll reach out to me.  First he has to get over his depression.  Then he has to decide if he wants to move or not.  And then.  I don't know, will I even be on his radar after that.

And so.  Yeah.  That's the reason why I almost reached out to B today.  Because I was lonely and I wanted attention.  I wanted to ruin someone else's relationship, right.  And then I thought about Coleston.  He said he might ask me to look after his dogs next week.  And I don't know I'm kinda holding onto that right now.

It's just so ironic that I'm on the side of the battle with depression this time.  That I'm the one that is having to pull out the tips and tricks to stay happy and fight it off.  And that I'm the one that is losing patience and wanting to tell him to get over it.  And at the same time...... I remember I ghosted Triple Vanilla guy because I was having a mental health problem.  I think it was even the exact same scenario, where we liked each other and the guy was being so nice and sweet and checking in with me and I just ghosted and disappeared.  And so... I know exactly how Curtis is feeling right now and I know it was a real shitty thing to do now, but at the time I just wanted to get away.  This is also what all my friends and family were seeing too?  Is this why people stayed away from me because all the negativity and moping was just just too much.  They didn't know how to help me like I didn't know how to help Curtis?

Just, why do the tables always have to turn on me?  This is karma?  Really.  Now that I've got a leg up on depression, Depression is the next enemy boss I have to face in guys that I'm seeing?  Lol.  Just.  Why!

I don't want to be alone again.  I really really really want Curtis to be happy and stay with me.  I've never wanted anything more in my life before.  I even wished for it on my birthday before he got laid off.

I'm Scared Because Things Seem Too Good To Be True

And it was.

Hahaha. 

It totally was.  I went on 3 dates with Curtis and I fell so in like with him.  I've never felt so happy and myself before.  I honestly couldn't remember when the last time I felt so naturally happy, and it didn't feel like I was pretending to be someone else around him.  I like him so much.

But of course that only means something had to go wrong right.  Haha.  I just can't believe this is happening again.

I feel depressed, but like imposter depression.  Like I'm only pretending to be depressed because he hasn't even left yet.  Like I'm over acting.  I don't know.

So.  In my last post I met up with B, and if something was supposed to happen that night, I didn't move on it because I wanted to go on a date with Curtis.  I wanted to see him.

And so I did.  We went for bubble teas and a walk that lasted 5 hours.  It was so fun.  I just remember looking over and seeing him smile all the time made me feel happy, too.  At the end of the night he offered (or maybe I asked) to drive me home and I accepted, except halfway home we got pulled over by a cop and when he told Curtis it was going to be a $250 ticket I felt so bad.  But I looked over and he was just smiling and told me that nothing was going to ruin his night cause he had such a great time with me.

I felt so happy. 

When he got to my driveway, I wanted to kiss him but then got nervous and screamed FUCK as I ran away.  But even then he still texted me after and said I was cute.

I liked him so much.

For our next date I invited him over to carve pumpkins for my b-day and Halloween and I had such a nice time again.  And he kissed me.  He was so sweet, just... Just always opened my door for me, and would want to hold my hand, kiss my forehead and gave me hugs, woke up early just so he could spend a little bit of extra time in bed snuggling with me.  Always had something to say, and I just felt like it was everything I ever wanted.  I just liked him so much and I thought he did, too.

We were so similar that I just felt so comfortable around him.  He was nerdy and didn't laugh at me because I was still learning to drive.  Had a similar sense of humour.  And I was really attracted to him too.  I liked him so much.

And then he got laid off.

And became depressed.

And is talking about moving back to Nova Scotia.

Hahaha.  I'm just crushed.  I've been high all week just trying not too feel emotions.  I don't understand why this is happening again.  How.  How I thought I had gone through everything.

Getting your heart broken and spiraling into depression for 7 years.  Falling in love with your best friend and leaving for 2 years.  Falling in love with a narcist and living through verbal abuse for 2 years.  All of those I bounced back from.  All of those are stories you'd only read about in a high school drama movie.  But no, they all happened to me.

And now.  Now I feel like I've found the perfect person.  Experienced a moment in time of happiness for 2 weeks.  And they are leaving me.

I dunno.  I hid my phone all day today and called in sick because I'm avoiding life.  I just don't want to know what he said.  Or maybe he didn't say anything and I'm scared of what I'm going to feel like.  I want time to pass so I don't have to feel the pain and be sad again.  

Why did I think life was finally falling in place.  

My brain is splitting in half too.  I don't know if maybe he is just trying to ghost me again.  That's my biggest fear.  That I'm making a fool out of myself by trying to be so supportive of him but really he is just trying to disappear.

And then I'm scared that I'm playing the saviour card again.  That he thinks I'm just trying to be a know it all who talks about no one but herself.  I want to try and help him but I don't even know if that is coming across.

I do genuinely believe he is lost this time, but also that I'm jumping to conclusions about him.  That I assume he's going to move, that I know what he's going through.  But I don't know.  So why am I slipping again?  

I just don't want to go down a spiral again.

He's 2 years younger than me and maybe he thinks I'm jumping into things, but I worked really hard the last couple years trying to be positive.  I've read so many things about learning to listen instead of trying to fix someone.  And I don't know if I did that.

I just feel like I'm the thing that's wrong.  That I could have done something differently.  That I overwhelmed him or scared him or bored him.  I don't know. Just.... why does this always happen to me.

All I wanted was a sweet and soft relationship.  And I had it for such a short period of time.