That is all I want to know....
No. Maybe thats a lie. I want to know if you miss me, and I want to know that the answer is yes.
I am slowly getting better, but I still miss you. I haven't taken off the rose glasses yet, and have yet to see your flaws. I miss you lots you poo head. Gramma kept asking where you were at lunch today and I finally had to tell her 'we broke up Gramma, please don't ask me anymore' It was kinda painful.
I want to become so happy, you'll be jealous.
But right now thats pretty hard. Haha. I'm working on a new goal, which I'm feeling pretty excited about. I went over to Tara's housewarming party, and I felt bad. Everyone was 5 years younger than me and had houses, cars, boyfriends, husbands, families. And I felt like I had nothing. I lost someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And it makes it worse that I come home everyday to an empty condo. And empty messy condo that I can't invite friends over too because I'm embarassed.
So. I guess my goal for the next little while. I'm gonna renovate the condo. So that I'll want to come home, and be able to have friends over. And show Dave that I'm growing up.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
August
August was the month of having long serious talks with everyone. Seriously.
Confirmed, and found out a lot of things from people who I haven't (but should) talked to in a long time.
Everyone's told me I have a bad temper, and to watch my negativity. Haha :|
Something I didn't expect though. My daddy told me, of all his 3 kids, he thinks that I am the strongest one.
I do feel a lot better, and not so empty anymore. But I still feel like a part of my heart is missing. And seeing couples hold hands reminds me a lot of that feeling. But I've definately healed a lot faster than the last break up. Maybe it helps still being able to be friends..... or maybe it makes it worse. I dunno, I think I'm still trying to find the old Corinna who Dave was attracted to first. Doing it for Dave? Maybe, maybe not. I was happy and confident then so maybe I'm doing it for myself too. And doing things that make me happy is helping. Started to draw again. And thats getting exciting. Let's see how much confidence I can gain and maybe I'll attract Dave again, and maybe I'll attract someone even better for me.
Lets Do This.
Confirmed, and found out a lot of things from people who I haven't (but should) talked to in a long time.
Everyone's told me I have a bad temper, and to watch my negativity. Haha :|
Something I didn't expect though. My daddy told me, of all his 3 kids, he thinks that I am the strongest one.
I do feel a lot better, and not so empty anymore. But I still feel like a part of my heart is missing. And seeing couples hold hands reminds me a lot of that feeling. But I've definately healed a lot faster than the last break up. Maybe it helps still being able to be friends..... or maybe it makes it worse. I dunno, I think I'm still trying to find the old Corinna who Dave was attracted to first. Doing it for Dave? Maybe, maybe not. I was happy and confident then so maybe I'm doing it for myself too. And doing things that make me happy is helping. Started to draw again. And thats getting exciting. Let's see how much confidence I can gain and maybe I'll attract Dave again, and maybe I'll attract someone even better for me.
Lets Do This.
Monday, August 20, 2012
siiiiiiiiiigh.
I feel better.
Most of the time.
The hardest part is still no doubt waking up in the morning. I miss you the most then. Dreams and nightmares definately don't help either. I'm still in that stage where I wonder constantly what you are doing and miss your silly stupid habits. I definately feel better after talking to you on Friday, and I definately don't feel empty anymore. But I still miss you. I miss you because you made me happy. Mom and Dad told me to keep my head up and I'll find someone better. Someone a little taller and leaner. But I don't think they understood how Happy I was when Dave came to see me. i stopped caring that he was short or overweight. He made me happy. And that is what I valued the most. That I was always happy in our relationship.
Ugh. So, maybe thats why I'm so mixed. I'm trying hard to get over you because eventually I will see why we weren't a match. And at the same time, I still don't want to get over you. I'm waiting for your call. Waiting for a message from you. Waiting for you. I definately don't hurt as much as when I broke up with Michael. Or, I guess no, thats not right. I hurt much much more, during the first week, but I got better quicker. Maybe because I keep on creeping your FB profile, looking at old pictures, etc etc. What will you do if he did call you to say he made a mistake? I'd probably Jump into his Arms.... Hah. But until you're past that stage, let's realize you gotta get better.Try harder to get over Dave, Corinna. TRY. HARDER. He did give up on you. He made you happy, but remember, he said He Wasn't Happy. And thats important too. It's not fair for Dave if he's not feeling it. Just like when Michael wanted to get back together and you wanted no part. Remember how unhappy it made you feel when Michael said he missed you, but you didn't. It made you angry and mad because you didn't want to hear it. Well, Dave probably doesn't want to hear you say that shit either. So dont ! Dave needs to sort his own life out, and he doesn't have time for a relationship. He wants whats best for him right now, and you were no longer in his plan. So, realize it Corinnna. The begininnig of our relationship was amazing because we were excited. Excited because it was different and new. Just like your next relationship will be Corinna. So get better and start the next chapter.
You're paying attention to guys that look twice at you again, thats a start.
Don't doubt yourself either. Stop Doubting Yourself. Dave's friends did like you, and nothing has changed. Dave never will say anything bad about you. (Unless you do something retarded). So just do what Dave told you and be yourself. Always be yourself. Daisy never thought you were an idiot, or rude. So stop looking for her approval. All this time you were trying to be accepted by Dave's friends, you stopped looking for what Dave wanted and needed.
Next time you see Dave, ask how he is. Ask what he wants, and ask how he feels. But as a friend. A. Friend. Stop telling Dave what to do. He's an adult too, and even if its in his best interest. If he doesn't realize it himself, he won't change. You should know that. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes ME happy. I miss Dave and I still hope we will get back together, but I hoped that for Michael too, and I did get over him. So like I said, start the next chapter.....
Stupid Portmanteau.
Most of the time.
The hardest part is still no doubt waking up in the morning. I miss you the most then. Dreams and nightmares definately don't help either. I'm still in that stage where I wonder constantly what you are doing and miss your silly stupid habits. I definately feel better after talking to you on Friday, and I definately don't feel empty anymore. But I still miss you. I miss you because you made me happy. Mom and Dad told me to keep my head up and I'll find someone better. Someone a little taller and leaner. But I don't think they understood how Happy I was when Dave came to see me. i stopped caring that he was short or overweight. He made me happy. And that is what I valued the most. That I was always happy in our relationship.
Ugh. So, maybe thats why I'm so mixed. I'm trying hard to get over you because eventually I will see why we weren't a match. And at the same time, I still don't want to get over you. I'm waiting for your call. Waiting for a message from you. Waiting for you. I definately don't hurt as much as when I broke up with Michael. Or, I guess no, thats not right. I hurt much much more, during the first week, but I got better quicker. Maybe because I keep on creeping your FB profile, looking at old pictures, etc etc. What will you do if he did call you to say he made a mistake? I'd probably Jump into his Arms.... Hah. But until you're past that stage, let's realize you gotta get better.Try harder to get over Dave, Corinna. TRY. HARDER. He did give up on you. He made you happy, but remember, he said He Wasn't Happy. And thats important too. It's not fair for Dave if he's not feeling it. Just like when Michael wanted to get back together and you wanted no part. Remember how unhappy it made you feel when Michael said he missed you, but you didn't. It made you angry and mad because you didn't want to hear it. Well, Dave probably doesn't want to hear you say that shit either. So dont ! Dave needs to sort his own life out, and he doesn't have time for a relationship. He wants whats best for him right now, and you were no longer in his plan. So, realize it Corinnna. The begininnig of our relationship was amazing because we were excited. Excited because it was different and new. Just like your next relationship will be Corinna. So get better and start the next chapter.
You're paying attention to guys that look twice at you again, thats a start.
Don't doubt yourself either. Stop Doubting Yourself. Dave's friends did like you, and nothing has changed. Dave never will say anything bad about you. (Unless you do something retarded). So just do what Dave told you and be yourself. Always be yourself. Daisy never thought you were an idiot, or rude. So stop looking for her approval. All this time you were trying to be accepted by Dave's friends, you stopped looking for what Dave wanted and needed.
Next time you see Dave, ask how he is. Ask what he wants, and ask how he feels. But as a friend. A. Friend. Stop telling Dave what to do. He's an adult too, and even if its in his best interest. If he doesn't realize it himself, he won't change. You should know that. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes ME happy. I miss Dave and I still hope we will get back together, but I hoped that for Michael too, and I did get over him. So like I said, start the next chapter.....
Stupid Portmanteau.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
first step to healing my heart
Hi.
I'm trying to snap out of this severe loneliness I feel right now, and I guess one of the first things I'm supposed to do is figure out the things that remind me of Dave to think and do something else so that memory doesn't linger. Let's hope tis works:
Facebook. is my main source of spying on Dave without him knowing. I'll look through his pictures, and see how he is doing.
How do I stop. Close the browser right away. Go on Ebay, kijiji, something else.
Old archived messages between Dave and I. I keep on going back to our old conversations and reading how happy we were back then, and wondering what happened.
How do I stop. I need to delete them. I'm having trouble deleting them because a small part in my mind thinks we will get back together. I need to stop looking back to the past. Its over, and nothing can change that.
Thinking about the happiest times I had with Dave. These are the reminders that make me feel like we were meant for each other.
How do I stop. Clap your hands. No joke. It startles me and jolts me back to reality.
Overthinking when Dave is out having fun. I worry that Dave is bashing me behind my back, telling everyone how horrible of a girlfriend I was.
How do I stop. Realize I was a great girlfriend. It was Dave who gave up on me, I couldn't fix something that I had no idea was broken. I made dinners, lunches, snacks, visited him at work, thought of things he would like. He never did that for me.
Inability to snap out of a slump. The hardest thing right now because I am constantly missing Dave.
How do I stop. Call Iris. Jessica. Nomin. Ling. Tara. Jamie.
Wondering if Dave misses me and what he did with the items I left at his house. I keep hoping that Dave will realize he made a mistake and want to get back together after something reminds him of me.
How do I stop. Realize Dave doesn't miss you. If he did we wouldn't have broken up.
The idea that Dave was perfect for me. He was nice, always opened my door and did everything I asked.
How do I stop. Realize Dave wasn't perfect. And I knew this. He never learned from his mistakes, he did avoid problems until they left him alone, he procrastinated worse than I did, he was bad with his money and always bought things he didn't need, his house terrified me, his bathroom terrified me even more, he never thought things thoroughly, he always talked about losing weight but didn't really do anything about it, he always talked about how Amway was giong to change his life but never did anything to prove it, he never had a plan for the future that was believable, he worked too much and will never become successfull until he realizes he needs to focus on one job, he never used his c-pap machine even though the doctor told him he could die in his sleep, he may have kept dating me the last 2 months just for sex, he couldn't save money if his life depended on it, he started smoking and gambling again, he never did thoughtful things for me, he never was there for me when i needed him emotionally, he never really understood me or knew me, or tried to get to know me, and he got me a bullet blender for valentines day !!!
I'm trying to snap out of this severe loneliness I feel right now, and I guess one of the first things I'm supposed to do is figure out the things that remind me of Dave to think and do something else so that memory doesn't linger. Let's hope tis works:
Facebook. is my main source of spying on Dave without him knowing. I'll look through his pictures, and see how he is doing.
How do I stop. Close the browser right away. Go on Ebay, kijiji, something else.
Old archived messages between Dave and I. I keep on going back to our old conversations and reading how happy we were back then, and wondering what happened.
How do I stop. I need to delete them. I'm having trouble deleting them because a small part in my mind thinks we will get back together. I need to stop looking back to the past. Its over, and nothing can change that.
Thinking about the happiest times I had with Dave. These are the reminders that make me feel like we were meant for each other.
How do I stop. Clap your hands. No joke. It startles me and jolts me back to reality.
Overthinking when Dave is out having fun. I worry that Dave is bashing me behind my back, telling everyone how horrible of a girlfriend I was.
How do I stop. Realize I was a great girlfriend. It was Dave who gave up on me, I couldn't fix something that I had no idea was broken. I made dinners, lunches, snacks, visited him at work, thought of things he would like. He never did that for me.
Inability to snap out of a slump. The hardest thing right now because I am constantly missing Dave.
How do I stop. Call Iris. Jessica. Nomin. Ling. Tara. Jamie.
Wondering if Dave misses me and what he did with the items I left at his house. I keep hoping that Dave will realize he made a mistake and want to get back together after something reminds him of me.
How do I stop. Realize Dave doesn't miss you. If he did we wouldn't have broken up.
The idea that Dave was perfect for me. He was nice, always opened my door and did everything I asked.
How do I stop. Realize Dave wasn't perfect. And I knew this. He never learned from his mistakes, he did avoid problems until they left him alone, he procrastinated worse than I did, he was bad with his money and always bought things he didn't need, his house terrified me, his bathroom terrified me even more, he never thought things thoroughly, he always talked about losing weight but didn't really do anything about it, he always talked about how Amway was giong to change his life but never did anything to prove it, he never had a plan for the future that was believable, he worked too much and will never become successfull until he realizes he needs to focus on one job, he never used his c-pap machine even though the doctor told him he could die in his sleep, he may have kept dating me the last 2 months just for sex, he couldn't save money if his life depended on it, he started smoking and gambling again, he never did thoughtful things for me, he never was there for me when i needed him emotionally, he never really understood me or knew me, or tried to get to know me, and he got me a bullet blender for valentines day !!!
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
My heart misses you
My heart misses you so much and I don't know what to do.
I just want to call you and tell you I miss you and find out what happened that made you not want me anymore. I just want to hear you say you miss me too. I don't want to get over you and I don't want to see anybody else. You were so capable of making me happy that I never saw this break-up coming. Why wouldn't you tell me when that you weren't happy? All I can think about now is things that I could've done to make this outcome different. I want to go out and party with you, I want to go out and drink with you, I would love to go to Vegas, play video games or anything. I don't want you to think that I didn't want to do any of these things and that I was boring. I just wanted to do them WITH you, not with you off to the side watching, or at a wedding, or another party. I wanted to do so much with you, and it breaks my heart that you don't want to do any of those. I don't want to get married, and I've never thought about getting married. I just enjoy spending time NOW with you and the immediate. I never thought about being with you 20 years from now, but I thought it was at least possible. My heart hurts so much not knowing what made you see me differently so suddenly. You tried so so hard to make me fall for you and it hurts so much that it worked only to have you pull that picture out from underneath me. I miss you so much Dave and the sweet things you've done for me. I wish you would have told me something so that I knew you were unhappy, instead of pretending you were okay, and letting me think everything was okay. If you were so unhappy why did you ask me to come camping with you, why ask me to come to your parent's anniversary dinner, why sleep in the same bed with me and hold me close at night. It gave me such a false sense of security and hope. I can't stop remembering all the things you did that made me feel loved, that made me feel like you genuinely wanted me. I just want to try so much harder to try and make this work, but I dont know if its even possible. I just want to know that you will be in my life, and it hurts so much to think that you won't be anymore.
I just want to call you and tell you I miss you and find out what happened that made you not want me anymore. I just want to hear you say you miss me too. I don't want to get over you and I don't want to see anybody else. You were so capable of making me happy that I never saw this break-up coming. Why wouldn't you tell me when that you weren't happy? All I can think about now is things that I could've done to make this outcome different. I want to go out and party with you, I want to go out and drink with you, I would love to go to Vegas, play video games or anything. I don't want you to think that I didn't want to do any of these things and that I was boring. I just wanted to do them WITH you, not with you off to the side watching, or at a wedding, or another party. I wanted to do so much with you, and it breaks my heart that you don't want to do any of those. I don't want to get married, and I've never thought about getting married. I just enjoy spending time NOW with you and the immediate. I never thought about being with you 20 years from now, but I thought it was at least possible. My heart hurts so much not knowing what made you see me differently so suddenly. You tried so so hard to make me fall for you and it hurts so much that it worked only to have you pull that picture out from underneath me. I miss you so much Dave and the sweet things you've done for me. I wish you would have told me something so that I knew you were unhappy, instead of pretending you were okay, and letting me think everything was okay. If you were so unhappy why did you ask me to come camping with you, why ask me to come to your parent's anniversary dinner, why sleep in the same bed with me and hold me close at night. It gave me such a false sense of security and hope. I can't stop remembering all the things you did that made me feel loved, that made me feel like you genuinely wanted me. I just want to try so much harder to try and make this work, but I dont know if its even possible. I just want to know that you will be in my life, and it hurts so much to think that you won't be anymore.
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