has a new crush

I guess this entry will answer the question I posed 2 entries ago.... I kinda forgot what it felt like to have butterflies for someone again. hah. Well anyways, lets start from the begining I suppose. Its been over a year since I broke up with Michael. And I always always thought we were gonna get back together. But I guess I figured out we weren't/ wanted to move on. So I went onto a online dating site that T and M and a handful of other people I know are on.
First week was pretty bleh. I am probably secretlly still scared that I will meet another cement man. *shudder* Anyways, sometime later a guy messages me and its semi personal. Not the typical *hey/hi/whats up* And his profile seemed interesting enough so I just reply to his simple question. And low and behold he replies back! Hahah I sound so desperate but whatever didn't think much. Anyways, yadda yadda not to sure how long its been....just over a week I think but we've talked a bit more, and I get the butterflies before I msg him. So I guess that means I'm over Michael now........Which is good. I didn't think that it would be so *quick* Transference maybe. But anyways I'm kinda worried (again....) because this one is kinda the complete opposite of me? Reminds me of Shane, but more/less serious at the appropriate times. I also find him pretty funny too which is very good. Aaaaaaand, also through the magic of FB I kinda found out he was going to an event that R was also going to so I asked R to pick me up a ticket too so I could *assess the situation* hahaha (creep and loser I know) so anyways I got dressed up and went there and I totally recognized him when he walked through the door, but he walked past me the first time and I was semi glad he didn't recognize me. 20 or so mintues later we are walking around trying to do I dont know what but he taps me on the shoulder (scaring the living bejeezus outta me since I didn't know he was right there) and says hi! Hahah at that time I actually wasn't sure if I was going to say Hi or txt or call him or anything. But I was kinda surprised that he just said hi like that. Anyways long story short I'm really glad I went out that night and bumped into him. Even though we only talked for like 5 mintues, after both of us went home we talked on FB till like 6am about random stuff. I dunno I just feel really comfortable talking to him, and I feel like he doesn't judge me like Shane did.
Okay so then fastforward to the next day and I'm talking to him on FB again and like... I dont know him that well, but he sounded different.....less happy if thats possible. And, I dunno who I was trying to impress but we got on the topic of insomnia somehow. And I told him that sometimes I think too much which results in my insomnia. And then I suggested we get off the topic because it was kinda depressing and that Id have trouble sleeping if it got to serious. So then he said "if you want" and I asked him if he was okay because he didn't sound to happy, and he said he didn't want to get too deep into it for fear it might give me another sleepless night. So me, being the jerk I am I said *okay* and changed the subject. And after he signed off. I kinda fell into a slump. I dunno if I did it on purpose or what not (i certainly hope not) but I felt like a jerk for not listening to him. He said it was nothing but, I still feel like a jerk. I just... he asked me why I had trouble sleeping and I told him, but I couldnt care to listen to his problem.... gah. it just put me into a slump this morning that I haven't been able to shake. I'm sure (hope) that its nothing and he wont care, but I just feel really sad now for no apparent reason. Ugh my mind is so groggy because I've been having lots of trouble sleeping this week and I try to stay up as late as possible so that I can just crash when I crawl into bed, so my mind can't think. But on the plus side it appears that I'm losing weight from all this kuffufin :) My skirt I bought in China fits me now. yay......

How to Become a Monster

"My thirty-something years of life weren't even a bat of an eyelash in the universe's existence. And yet, I had put so much energy into living and loving. But everything I had loved had been ripped away from me and I was left with only the painful memory - like the luminous echo remaining of a few dead stars, reaching me here on earth. What I see is already dead. What I love is already dead." -Jean Barbe

I have never found a quote with which I agree with so much before. When I read it the second time I thought that it was perfect. the way I feel about life. about society. and about humanity. seems kinda negative, but it is true. Why do we exist and the point of our existance seems so miniscule. so so unimportant. hahah. And I wonder why I have no drive in life.
Anyways that quote is from a book I just finished reading "How to Become a Monster" Its... kinda a war story, but not really. Its about 2 men, one is a attorney defending a convicted murderer. and the other is the murderer/ radical. The begining of the book was kinda slow but like 3/4 in when it started to get into all that 'existance/ reason for being' stuff it got really good. My pov anyways...... just pleased to have found such a perfect quote. :)

why is there no instruction manual for life.

I suppose that would make it too easy wouldn't it.... but is that such a bad thing? I mean theres easy ways out for everything so why not life? I'm so confused right now because I think I realized I'm still in love with michael. I. Am Still. In Love. I just.... I signed up for an online dating thing because its been over a year since we broke up, and I thought I just need to meet someone to take my mind off michael (like michael made me forget about craig) so i was like YEAH thats exactly what I need. So I signed up like a few weeks ago. And theres one guy who i've been kinda back and fourthing ith with. And I just. I just CAN'T STOP wondering how michael will feel if he found out I was seeing somebody else. why why why WHY. why do I/should I care? I do still keep in touch with him, like he'll call me or i'll call him every 2 weeks or something just to chat. And we still joke around but I think I really do miss him still. Yesterday he sent me a txt saying to 'remember to wear a thicker jacket because its getting colder' ......uuuuugh. why is this haaaaaappening D: Randomly today I told M about Michael and how we broke up and how I always always thought we would get back together and it felt so weird reliving those exact moments that I never want to remember. But at the same I'm worried about what him being alone and what he'll do/ what'll happen to him if i start seeing somebody. I suppose I still consider him a friend (if not a bit more than) but what's gonna happen to this relationship if I were to start seeing somebody. And why am I even worrying about losing this friendship? ugh too tired to think D: D: D:

hating here

i really really hate ....what do i hate i dont even know. I just hate living here right now. I hate that my brother is so fucking lazy and all he can do is spend money on useless crap, and how selfish he is. i hate saying this but, sometimes the only thing i feel he is good for is spending money. he helps out with the financial stuff but thats it. doesn't do the dishes, doesn't throw out the trash, doesnt clean the washrrom, doesn't sweep the floor, doesn't cook, doesn't do the bottles, doesnt do anything except the easy stuff. vaccum. order pizza. drive to mcdonalds. vaccum. fuck piss me off so bad. today i had to work at 12-9. so i sent him a text asking him to cook the salmon that i had brought out a few days ago to defrost. i sent him simple instructions on how to cook the salmon. rinse, pat dry, season, pan fry for 3 mintues. make rice and veggies if you like. i come home at 9 30 and what do we have for supper? salad. fucking SALAD. i was, (and still am) SO pissed off. i just cant comprehend, how can it be so hard for someone to do something so simple? I just want to move out of here so bad. SO FUCKING BAD. and if i dont move i just want to fucking shoot myself in the face. i just can't believe this guy sometimes and how he doesn't think sometimes. I have such bad chest pains right now. and to top it off. i was so SO angry tthat i did the stupidest thing imaginable and called michael. well actually i msged him asking if he was still up. and he called me back and i told him what happened and the first thing he said to me was *your so childish* he always scolded me when we were going out for not understanding, but he's such a hypocrite himself. he never understood me at alll either. we make such a bad couple and yet its still him that i think of to call first. fucking jesus. i just..... i just can't believe that he couldn't understand hhow upset i was. and what does he do, just adds more fucking fuel too the fire. i dont even know why i still bother to call him when i'm so upset. every single time i've ever called him when i wanted to talk to he would always make me feel even worse, making me feel like it was my fault. i just cant understand some people. when i call someone to rant about something i'm upset about i really just want someone to listen and maybe say *oh thats too bad* not *OH YOUR WRONG* fuck fuck fuck. theres times when halfway through his sentence i just want to fucking hang up on him beause he just doesn't understand how upset i am. good god. i mean i guess i shoudln'tve called him since it was 10pm/past his bedtime but if he didn't want to talk/was in a bad mood then dont call me back. i've told him a million times beefore. if your in a bad mood dont call me. dont come out with me because your going to put me into a bad mood too. jesus christ i dont even know why i'm still so hung up ovver him. hes not very polite, he smokes, he gambles, hes kinda conceited and he doesn't get along with his family. its like a million things i look for in a guy that he doesn't have and yet all i can do is think about him. fuck fuck fuck FUCK. i just wanna move outta this place and away from everybody.

The right path....

hey everybody.
I guess I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging again. I was going through the first 2 years of my blogs re-reading all my entries and it makes me laugh at how simple my complaints were. no wonder I didn't have any followers. ha-ha...... well anyways. I've been staying up late a lot these past few weeks trying to get some sewing done. I've got some pieces on consignment at Bamboo Ballroom so hopefully I'll start making stuff on a regular basis now.
....But....speaking about starting to design again. I dunno why, but I'm starting to wonder about whether or not I'm really going to be happy being a fashion designer? I just feel like its such a superficial job now. UGH. how come I can't realize this stuff BEFORE i've spent ten grand on schooling.... After talking to Sarah at work, and reading Survivor, i just feel like I want to spend my life doing something more....helpful something more fulfilling. i've been having these thoughts of taking some massage therapy courses or something.... I'm still using my hands I'll be helping people at the same time. Its not even that this thought suddenly came up, I've thought about it before but it was always on the backburner. If i really did pursue this at least I would be garaunteed a job, and i'm sure the wage would be pretty good. And...and....and i dont know..... uuuuuugh..... the problem is, the problem is what I'm doing right NOW. i'm supposed to be a fashion designer. and i tell everyone i'm a fashion designer, and everyone thinks i am a fashion designer. but I'm having my doubts..... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *sob sob* Its just so stressfull right now. I'm telling everyone that I'm trying to save up money to set up my studio, and i'm designing on the side. but its all so frustrating because I'm having these second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really cut out be a fashion designer. I feel so timid compared to everyone else. And theres that part about me having such a superficial job for ther est of my life. If i wanna start looking into massage therapy I need to do it now. I dont want to spend years setting up a studio and designing and then realize again, this isn't what i want to do. and then have to go back to school again..... uuuuuuuuuuuuugh i'm so so so confused......

is pretty sure.......

I dont really know how to explain this feeling that I have.... but i'm pretty pretty *pretty* sure that i'm gonna die in at most a couple years. I'm all done school (for now) and I'm just not feeling happy with life. its super mundane, and everything is driving me crazy. Trying to get some weight off my chest, but whoever i tell, i feel like doesn't take me seriously. I'm pretty sure I should see a psychiatrist, but I haven't. 10+ years of knowing that and trying to tell someone that I need their help, their support and nadda. I dunno if I'm just that damn unlucky that no one I knows thinks I have a problem or if their just naive. Does no one believe that their sister, their friend, their daughter could have depression? That more and more often she wonders what the hell shes doing still alive? Why bother fighter sometimes i wonder. I look around me and i seriouisly wonder why the hell would anybody want to live in this world. Humans are killing it and we're killing ourselves. Why stick around and be a part of the problem.
I'm kinda getting a headache right now but I want to get some thoughts out. If you were so SO unfulfilled with life the only thing you looked forward to was death that would be kind of a goal...rather release....it would be your release, the one positive thing you looked forward to in life. And if you were depressed and just wanted to die, imagine how it would feel if people were telling you *no no dont do it dont die think of everybody you'll leave behind, think of all the pain you'll cause.* has it ever occured to anyone to think about that depressed persons pain? The pain of having to live every day because someone else told them to? denying them the one thing in life that had meaning? I dunno, its bad but thats the way i've been looking at things lately.
I talk, smile, laugh, play, work. but in the end i feel like it doesn't matter. at one or more points of time during the day i'll ponder the meaning of life. The second we're born, the only thing that we can be sure of is. you'll die. Thats the outcome of everyone. no ifs, ands or buts. and if that was the case. whats the point?
I'm just really tired of people not understanding how lost i am and how awful Im feeling. I've always said i dont know if its better knowing so much and worrying all the time, or being happy and completely oblivious of the pain and misery around you? I'm pretty sure I would chose the former 9 out of 10 times. just seeing how materialistic society is. geting getting getting. buying buying buying. all for what? I sit at home sometimes wondering when i'll die, and i'll look over and see a pile of dishes, a mountain of bottles, bags of garbage sitting there for me to do. really makes me wanna keep on living hey? i just feel so stressed out, because i want to solve everything. and if i cant solve it, then i wont try. I want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to be equal. I'm always the middleman. but theres no such thing as equality. so the middleman is always screwed. Rather than having no problems but my own, now i have everyone elses, and i'm trying to solve theirs before mine. I'm not a messenger anymore, i want to scream. I'm so negative now. both my brothers talk to each other through me. I'm just so tired of being messenger. figuring out what each other wants, doing all the accomodating for them and figuring out all the planning so the only thing they get is black or white. I clean up the grey. I wish with all my might that my family wasnt so fickle. that someone could just say yes. no. yes. no. no more *i dont care, it doesn't matter* because actually. it does matter. it matters a lot. if i learned how to say yes and no instead of maybe, then i wouldn't be living a maybe life. and i could decide. do it. dont do it.

not feeling great

hiiiiiii......
sitting at home, watching tv. being unproductive. I actually feel kinda sick today, my stomache feels funny. ugggggh, im just falling into a slump again. i need a job so bad. I feel so horrible that I've finshed 6 years of schooling and i can't even get a fuckin retail job. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i just want.....a clean slate....an empty mind....nothing to think about nothing to worry about. job, one year plan, michael, being single. i dont know how people do it. theres so much stuff for me to worry about, and at the same time, the stuff i'm worrying about is SO DUMB. like.....how many millions of people are umemployed, or unable to work, and i cant just suck it up? i hate feeling this useless, wakingg up and having nothing to do. i hate that michael is so....so.....carefree??? am i complaining that hes too carefree???? wtf. this guy has probably less money than in his account than me, and the second he gets a bit more than that he spends it all on something useless. I dont understand why he can't see that HES NOT RICH ANYMORE. i feel like he's still trying to impress everyone with money that he doesn't have. he always scolded me for being so senseless and childish, and here HE IS blowing his life away. i cant even comprehend why i still care so much. ugh my brother just came home and asked me *how can you stay at home and do nothing all day*..... HAH. if he only understood how i feel. how ever day i stay at home makes me feel more and more depressed. makes me feel more and more confused and makes me wonder why the hell was i born if i can't succeed......

sigh

it's so bittersweet to be writing here again. writing here helps me to get some weight of my chest, but writing here also means that i'm usually feeling really depressed. *sigh*
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........

Corinna casts reactivation spell lv 3.

Wow. so its been at least a year since i last wrote a blog i see.... sorry blog, didn't mean to forget about you. thought about you lots but just never got around to writing. Well. A lots happened since I've last wrote an entry. Last may i started seeing someone. Which i guess would explain the lack of updating my life, since i started having an actual someone to tell it to rather than keeping it all to myself..... Probably the best and worst year of my life..... having said that we broke up a month after our one year. Needless to say i was pretty devastated. Just.... wrong time i guess. A year earlier or a year later and things just mighta worked out.... maybe.

But. If any one should know theres only one real reason why i used to write in this blog. Get things off my chest. To no one. Give an image to whats really bothering me. So another new thing thats happened in the past year is I've just recieved my diploma in fashion design. I really enjoy doing it and I dont plan on going to school anymore because i'm content with doing this as a career. Problem. Its required that we finish 180hours worth of unpaid work experience before we get our diploma. I originally wanted to do half at a small independant company, and half with a large scale company. I already did half of it with a local designer here in edmonton and I have to say what she does now feels like exactly what i want to do. Have a small studio to myself where i can just design and sew, design and sew. However. right after i *finished* this half practicum the director of my program informed me that i wasn't allowed to do *half*. I was kinda pissed off because i had alreayd gone over this with her MONTHS ago. and how she failed to realize and tell me before then i do not know. Anyways. at that time I told her i still wanted to go do a practicum with a big company (in New York). So while she went to look for someone to accept me I started to *work* at a seamstress/alteration store. I tried it out for 4 days but. It went really bad. The lady owner was SUPER nice, and really really tried to help me, but she was just too busy for me to be of any real help. It took me 6 hours to sew a dress that she could sew in 2. She tried to get me to do some alterations but she just ended up taking out what i did and re doing it. I just thanked her for her time and said that it felt like i was being more a burden than a help. She invited me to come in any time to watch/learn which was really nice. So... that was just last week middle of October. The director got a hold of me few days ago to tell me she got a connection for me in NY and the next step is to contact her and try and set it up. I dont know why but.... i dont want to go to NY anymore. Months ago i thought i would give anything to go back. I loved it when i went with the university and i've always said i've wanted to go back. But.... i just can't stop worrying about it. I'm low on cash and my original plan when i was intent on going to NY was that I'd be working full time throughout September till I left in January to make sufficient funds. And that I wanted to see what it would be like to work for a big company. I JUST started working a few days ago because I was unable to land a retail job like I wanted to. My parents have said they'd pay for any living expenses if I couldn't make enough so i was like okay. sure. But after i worked those few days at the tailor's I hated it. I just couldn't pick up sewing other peoples designs and their specific short cuts. I felt like I had to ask how to sew everything. After that I started to worry about going to NY and if that was what I was going to have to do. Only this one is going to last at least a month. And... unless they offer me a job as an illustrator I dont actually see myself staying in NY. So... is it worth it for me to go now? Jess tells me its worth the experience which I agree to an extent. But.... what if i've already decided that I want to open my own studio and just start selling small amounts like bridget. Maybe i'm just being scared and not willing to look at other paths but.... I'm starting to think that this trip to NY might not be worth it. I'm not making enough money right now to pay for it. And its kinda rude to get another job right now KNOWING that I'll be leaving in January. And then. When I do come back. I'm going to have to start all over again saving up money to rent a studio, and buy all my supplies. The seamstress suggested that i get started as soon as possible and to borrow money from my parents if I really had to. I just....i keep on thinking and wondering whether or not my decision to go to NY is the right one or not? I've wanted to go so bad but right now it just seems like its something i should put off because I don't see myself gaining anything from it. Just this week I've gotten so depressed over it because I feel the path is blurring. It just seems to be set in my mind now that this trip to NY is setting me back more than anything. uuuuuuuugh. I know i know, if i dont want to go anymore then why dont i just not go? I was the one that called up the director asking her to try and get me an internship in NY and she found this contact for me. I sent in my portfoio and resume and now it just seems like I'd get in so much shit if i told her i didn't want to go anymore. Ugh i get so stressed out when i think about it because it just seems to landslide. If i go to NY now i'm going to have to put off getting my studio set up at least till May? MAYBE. If I dont go to NY and just finish my practicum here I can work on the side and everything might start coming together by january..... i just.... i just dont want to waste anymore time i guess. I'm in a real slump right now worrying about this. Not really eatting well. And the fact that I couldn't keep that seamstress job bummed me out. Now i'm back at kyoto. waitressing. Not even at Downtown. I had to go over to southside cuz DT was over staffed. Its only been one day but i feel so sad. I know the people there, but its just not as friendly as DT. It used to take me 7 minutes to walk to work. Now i have to pay for a bus pass to take the bus to work. And when i get off work at 10pm it takes me at least 45 mintues to take the bus back DT and then transfer to another bus which drops me off in front of dowtown kyoto, where i proceed to walk that 7 minute walk home........ I'm just so sad right now. so so very sad.....

planning for my summer?

Hey all, after finishing my big china 302 translation project i decided to reward myself by reading 3 naruto mangas. This is where i found my next animethon costume! Hahah assuming that I'm still in Canada, let alone Edmonton, i'm gonna be Kimimaro from Naruto! Yaaaay. hahah whats with me and liking to dress up as efeminate men? Anyways, that pic on the right..no left hahah is Kimimaro. Of course i dont have his chest, or the ability to take out my bones... but you get the idea. Hahah. ....oh.... have i previously mentioned that I might be going to china again?

dilema, dilema....

dilema should be my middle name. lifes full of em' Okay, welp just gonna get straight to the point i guess. So something COMPLETELY unexpected happened yesterday. Um I came home after visiting my gramma and checked my email, and there was like 10 messages. wow. ive never gotten 10 messages in a week. And strangely there was a message from my chinese instructor....
So apparently I was chosen to receive a full scholarship to go to school in China for a semester that covers tuition, texts, accomodations and basic meals..... *holy....fuck....* I was totally not expecting that. I had to go lie down after. And when i got up i went to check my email again to make sure i wasn't dreaming. And then after i told jess and a few friends, i went to check it again. and then when i finally called my parents and told them. I checked it one last final time.... still there. geezus. I still cannot belive I got that scholarship. Like everybody i know must be thinking what the hell am i waiting for. Anybody else would jump at an opportunity like this. But. i dunno its not that easy a decision for me. Its really scary going to a place where you dont know anyone. Where after your class you dont get to go home to your familiar house, see familiar faces, sleep in your own bed. its scary. blarg.... i wish i got this notice after exams. I've still got a lot of hw to do, and exams to study for. Don't need another reason to keep me awake at night. sigh....
Welp, in anycase, i'm probably leaning towards yes... Its just really my nerves thats scared right now.

今天啦....

今天啦....很奇怪。哎呀， 我真的不明白这个世界。为什么我喜欢的人，不喜欢我。喜欢我的人，我不喜欢。今天我下班时我镇伤心心痛。为什么？因为....哎呀，因为他没有等我。每次一下班的时候，拜拜都不说就马上走了。虽然这是一件很简单的事，可是对我来说呢这是说他对我一点兴趣都没有。我也不是很喜欢很喜欢他。可是他一点感觉都没有真让我失望。我真不明白。他喜欢跟我开玩笑，有时候好像跟我调清....*sigh* 可能我想得太多了。也再来一个单相思啦。我不想 :(

i just wish that people could understand what i'm going through. That everything people say and dont say to me i keep it in the heart. I'm a sensitive shit. I dont like it when people are upset with me, and i dont like it when people ignore me. fuck my brother of all people should know that having been through the whole having a fake best friend ordeal. It hurts me so much to see someone who used to be so close to me become so distant. And at the same time be the one that causes so many people i care for so much pain. do you know what your doing to me? seeing everything that you do and don't do and all the pain that you put everyone through worrying so much about you? what the hell happened. why can't i have my old brother back.

Hi

Hi all. So much trouble sleeping these past few weeks. You guys every watch that episode of Star Trek where nobody achieves REM sleep, and they start to go insane because of it? You think thats real? Hahaha i hope not, i dont recall having any dreams for like the past year. I was going to write another complainer blog about how i can't fall asleep but whatever. Just one thing to mention. AhCong got a haircut. He looks like a 17year old boy.... So cute! Hahahahah HES ACTUALLY 26 OKAY !!

Lives in Strange Central

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not religious, and why I don't believe in a God or anything. Other times it's absolutely clear. This week as been one of those times when it's been crystal clear. I don't believe in god because he gives me no reason to do so. It fricken makes me want to die when I see rude little shits spending their parents money on gucci bags and gucci shoes not having to worry about their life because everythings already been set in stone. And then you go and compare it with people who try hard everyday in life, but just can't get ahead because no one gives them a break. It makes me sick. Fucking sick. I just dont understand. How could you have cancer? You're how old? I just don't fucking believe.... that if there really was a god, that he would have the heart to put someone through even half as much shit as you've been through. useless....

new year doesn't bring anything new

or anything really good actually for that matter.
Long, day today. So the annual CNY Banquet was today. Long story about that. This was the year that it was supposed to be a 10 person table full of all our friends. Somehow, fate threw in a pebble and messed it all up. I had 4 tickets for me, jess, ling and ben. a week b4 the banquet, and ben gets laid off, so he gives up his ticket. few days later, jess' grandpa in ottawa passes away, and she gives up her ticket. 2 more days later and ling gets a kidney infection and gets admitted into the hospital. Down to just me. sigh. What are the chances ey? I ended up asking the entire China crew, and managed to get Lisa and Shane to come. goot goot.
bat-bat. Banquet day arrives, i work lunch till 5pm, and then Shane is supposed 2 come pick me up at 5 30. At 12 00pm, my contact tears a tiny tear. Crap.what are the friggen chances. I've never tore a contact in my life before. The stupid thing is, i ran out of contacts at home, but only TWO DAYS prior, i was at WEM and i said EXACTLY: hmm... maybe i should pick up some contacts..... naaaaw, this pair is brand new it'll last for a while. Fuck me in the asshole what are the chances. So anyways. i decided that i'd take off work at 4PM catch the 100# to WEM pick up a new pair, and then catch the 100# back in time for shane to pick me up. Jeebus, right at 4pm all these customers came in, and they all seemed to want to keep me from leaving. I didn't leave kyoto till 4 20, and i realized that I wouldn't be able to make it to WEM and back by 5 30. So i just stuck around for 2 hours. at 5 30 shane blakely still was not here. I called him and he told me he was at home ironing his shirt. Reason number 53 why i dont like that guy, is because he's always late. At 6pm he still wasn't here, and i called again. If your gonna be late gimme a call or something please. I coulda made it to WEM and back. Right before i changed into my dress, my contact tore right in half and it made my eye water like a bitch. So i took it out and just went w/ one contact for the next 5 hours. Painful yes. I can't believe I didn't die. *sigh*
i miss jess and ling and iris and cathy. just not the same
.....on a completely different side note. Tara's BF came for the first year. Him and mister blakely got along extremely well. scary because they both seem to be so opinionated. But anyways, i was my normal self i'm pretty sure, and shane was his normal self, and we were our normal selves. Right after shane left, josh turns and asks me, *so whats the deal between you guys you two sleep together?* WHOA,WHAT??! i was NOT expecting that question, and i was like NO! he might look like that kinda guy, but i'm not that kinda girl. *oh really? no nothing, sorry i just thought that you guys did it once in awhile cuz it kinda feels that way* .....seriously???? HOW? i never realized that thats what people who sleep around are like....

you are my waterloo

Today is February 1st.
Fuck me, i'm screwed. Today is the deadline for applications to Parsons, the Design school in NY that I wanted to apply to. I didn't send in an application. Why didn't I? I dunno. I was scared, and i procrastinated. First thing was, it required a portfolio. I actually *started* working on it in late december, planning out what I wanted to do, stuff like that. Then all this stuff started happening. my gramma went to the hospital, Jess moved out, Kyoto closed down and then re opened. Stuff just kept on happening. And then in January I finally started to put together my canvases. I actually stretched and primed them. And.... and then i just stopped. Fuck. i just lost my ambition. At first i was all *yeah lets get working*. And then i started laying in bed, thinking to myself. What the fuck, i'm not going to get in. All throughout university my instructors have told me that I can't draw, and I can't paint. I tried for 4 years to get into the BFA and i never even got considered once. How the fuck am I supposed to get accepted into New Yorks top design school? why the fuck of all things did they need a portfolio. And so i never started my portfolio. And my parents thing i submited my applications and everything. And i dont even know what to tell them. My parents put too much faith in me, and all i really am is a lying failure. My dad said to me *go apply wherever you want to go, don't be afraid, I know you'll get in* And when he said that i wanted to cry right there. Because he has so much faith and confidence in me, and i dont think i'm any good. So i didn't even try because I was scared that i was going to get rejected, and i wouldn't know what to do. But now that the deadlines passed. I'm still fucked. NOW what do I tell them.

some please help me. i'm at a point where i'm completely lost and i have no idea where to go or what to do. more than anything i need direction to set be back on the path that i've wandered from.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Aaaaah, i haven't been this happy in a long time. Kehkeh-keh. I received a scholarship today! aaaaah i'm really happy, hahaha i read the letter like 6 times already. I completely forgot about it, and even when i was opening the letter I wasn't expecting it. It was addressed from the board of education or soemthing, and i thought that it was just going to say that I was eligible to graduate or something. But i opened it and read the letter and there was a 1000$ cheque inside. Aaaaah you guys have no idea how that made me feel. Hahaha not because of the money but because it made me feel pretty smart. Yeaaaah i know $1000 scholarship isn't very much compared to what other people get but it made me pretty happy. Because I worked really hard last year, and i honestly think i earned it. Last year was the first year where i was registered in 2 full course load semesters, AND working at the same time. Kept me busy, and i really earned it. At first i didn't really think a 3.4 GPA was very high, i always hear ppl get higher.... but when i think about it.... it's pretty damn good. Its really a confidence booster and makes me feel smart (something that i haven't felt in a long time) Hahahah- aaaaaah on cloud 9 here. yaaaaay!

just blank

don't really know what to write about today. But its been awhile. yaaap. I went over to Tara's today for secretsanta part-ay. Hahahah there was so much junk food. aaaaawesome. Anyums, just wanna drop a few lines. I'm doing okay, but at the same time not really. I'm not crying or anything anymore so thats all good. But I find that i'm talking to myself alot more.... and it sounds like I'm talking to a second person now.....it's kinda scarying me, but like i say things aloud like *fuck off* or *leave me alone* or *get the hell outta here*. When i'm just sitting at home by myself . I didn't think it was anything before, but i do it A LOT right now. like several times an hour if i'm by msyelf. And even sometimes when felix is here, and he gives me weird looks. freaaaaaak I need some help. le SIGH. Isnt it ironic how the one that people worry the least about is the one that needs the most help? I just hide my problems so well that they all rack up. and here's my faggity brother, probably just being a stubborn little cunt having people worry the shit outta themselves for him. aaaaah sucks.

But aside from THAT i think i'm doin okay. yup yup. i stopped taking sleeping meds and all that fun stuff. Aaaaand I stopped stalking him. hahah because literally I was. I still think about him a lot but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Its all good. but Yaaah what can i do. He's not even a very nice guy, i don't even know why i like him so much. He's pretty selfcentered, all he thinks about is getting laid, he's snobby, he doesn't care about others, he's kinda gross, hes actually kinda scary looking, he contradicts himself, hes a JERK hahah um...what else? he dresses kinda weird too.... hahah i'm not gonna list the things that i still like about him cuz i've done that before and its gotten me no where...but OH HEY!! i seen BARLEY today! hahaha i went to SSKyoto to pick up some sushi and right when i got inside, he came in too.. hahah ROCK ON! aaaaaah okay i think this is getting a decent length now. I'm gonna go and read soe of my previous happier posts and then read some other peoples blogs cuz i'm nosy like that.