Please don't Crumble

 Please don't Crumble.

I know you are a strong, strong girl and I'm sorry this keeps happening to you but you have to keep going.

Don't be sad or hurt, just let him go.

I unloaded on Curtis a couple weeks ago.  I told him I was in a lot of pain and I was just constantly replaying scenarios in my head.  That I wanted to forget him.  That I was mad I let him back into my life only for the same thing to happen again.  And I told him I was going to try to stop talking to him because all my memories I have of him, even though they made me so happy, turned out to be a lie.

And then I just disconnected and haven't opened messenger since.

I was feeling pretty okay the days following after.  And then something happened, I dunno I watched Your Lie in April probably and then it made me think of him all over again.  And this morning I finally went to read his reply.  I don't know why I waited so long.  Maybe I needed time to brace myself and prepare.  I probably should have never read it because there is no going back once you have that knowledge.

I just reset my 2 week no-contact goal, today.  I know I should block him and delete everything I have of him but I can't.  I feel very weak this time like all my goals are so far away.  Normally I know what I have to do and I just start doing things and forcing myself to be busy.  But its really hard this time.  I just don't have the willpower or enthusiasm.

Curtis replied back to me that he just doesn't see anything romantic between us.  'I just don't think I could be with you romantically. I really like you a lot as a person, though' ..... So he likes me a lot as but just platonically.  Hahahahahahaha, wow isn't that what I said to Coleston?  I dunno I'm sad obviously and also upset and mad.  I mean, yeah my ideal turn out was to date, but when that was going down the drain I just wanted him to be my friend.  And I tried talking to him like so but he was just being a big ol' asshole and hiding and being a shitty person at conversing.  Like, I don't know I liked him as a person too and how much we got along and that's what I wanted to keep.  I don't think I even wanted the hand holding or sex I just wanted someone to talk to, but you wouldn't even give that to me.  I liked having sex with Coleston, we had really great sexual chemistry, and I wanted all the other stuff from Curtis.  And the other thing that makes me really, really upset is.  I didn't move into the romantic zone.  Curtis did.  I was nervous and I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said yes.  He was the one who told me he wanted to kiss me first, and he was the one who made the move.  I always thing I know when people like me, but I'm also crazy and wrong.  So I didn't know, and I moved at your pace and when you crossed that line and kissed me then I took it from there and figured it was okay to like you like that.

That's why I am mad.  I'm upset because you played with me.  

I want to yell at you and call you a liar and a jerk and an asshole and to grow up.  I want to say so many things to you.

And I'm asking myself to please find the strength to don't do any of that.  You're only going to hurt yourself again.  Please, please, please find the strength to let him go and move on.  You are not going to get anywhere further on this.  

If you can, maybe eventually you'll learn to see those as happy memories.  Work on that, C.  Work on changing your memories from the past into happy ones.  They aren't sad because they are over, they are happy because you got to experience them.  Laugh when you think about them, don't try to block them out maybe, just embrace that it brought you so much joy.  And they still can as long as you look at them in a happy light.

Please don't crumble.

You're my Heartbreak Soul Mate

Curtis is my heartbreak soulmate.  

Lol.  Like I'm meant to know him, but our timelines don't overlap.

Oh yeah.  And he doesn't know.

I dunno why I'm so dumb.  I'm really struggling and there's a lot of stuff going on that's not going on.  I think I'm going crazy.  And I want to die again. I feel really empty again and just don't know what to do.  I need to move my life forward and find goals.  I can't keep doing what I'm doing, which is nothing.  I need to move forward but I don't know what to do.

I know I'm meant to know Curtis, I feel like we are the same person.  And maybe that is why we can't exist together.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.  I'm so cheesy.  I'm so crazy.  

I was being stupid again and trying to bury my feelings and pretend and live in la-la-land.  I tried to be friends with him again.  I reached out and was just hoping .... I dunno hoping I could get him to stay in my life.  I dunno why, I must sound so crazy.  I am a little scared I won't be able to snap out of this one.  But I reached out to him again and thought I'd be okay to do so.  Like I'm okay with Coleston.  But maybe I'm not.  I'm not okay with anyone.

We were talking.... well... I was trying to talk and he was just responding.  So different from the Curtis I met in October.  Why am I like this.  Why do I always make things about myself.  Something is wrong with me.

I don't know why everything he does affects me.  Like he'll tell me something and I feel like I relate so much to it.  Or am I just projecting a perfect life onto him?  I don't think I am but I don't know.  I feel really confused.  I'm 36 and I don't want to be alive.  I don't want to get an older or see things get harder.  I don't want to see my parents die or feel heartbreak or sadness again.

I'm rambling now.  I just don't know how I got here.

I felt so happy, and I'm holding onto this memory.  Maybe this false memory instead of moving forwards and trying to let go. Why do I feel safety in the the past and my memories.  And am so scared of going forwards.

There's so many things I wanted to do with Curtis.  When he told me we could watch Evangelion Rebuild, I believed him.  When he asked to watch Darling in the Franxx, I believed him.  Just everything that we did together I enjoyed so much.  I enjoyed watching all the things he suggested and just felt like we were the same person.  That the things he liked I really liked too.  I don't know if I was pretending, or just waiting to find this person.

That's why I get hurt and feel so much when I watch the things he tells me to.  Like I imagine he's trying to tell me something.  And then that makes me feel crazy.  Something is so wrong with me for thinking like this. 

A Silent Voice, it felt like Shoya was Curtis, a bully trying to find himself and atone for his past, and pretending like the outside world doesn't exist.  I felt like Shoko, just smiling and apologizing all the time.  Trying to pretend like people and things didn't hurt me.

Your Name, it was just the most bizarre story of 2 people who are meant to find each other again.  And again, I kept seeing this as Curtis and Me.  That we are supposed to know each other.  That we are searching for something that's been missing all this time and we just don't know what it is.  The red string of fate was planted so long ago.

And finally Your Lie in April.  I felt a lot of emotions in this anime.  I couldn't identify with just one person.  I identified with all of them.  I didn't cry, and it felt a bit cliched at times, but I don't know.  It was another story about fate and just going in circles.  About changing yourself, and growing stronger and finding inspiration.  I just.  It hurts.  I read that this story was about Kousei learning to live with himself and be his own person.  It just hurt, because I'm co-dependant.  I always want to find someone to make me feel whole.  I felt like Tsubaki who was broken hearted when she realized she was losing Kousei, but I hated that she felt like music, the thing he loved was taking him away from her.  And then I felt like Kousei, who was just unable to move on, too scared and seeing everything monotone.  Like he was waiting for life to happen.... or not.  And then I felt like Kaori.  At first I liked that she was just a ball of happiness and energy.  Only seeing the positive things and living life to the fullest, not letting things get in her way.  And then I found out she was only doing it for a reason, because Kousei was her goal.  

And I don't know why I just always dote on the fact that we feel the same emotions.  That the same shows that break him break me. And I feel the same pain.  Am I projecting on him?  I don't know, I feel so lost.  

And I was always behind.  I'd tell him things after he watched these shows, but before I did, and when I finally watched it it would hit so close to home.  Like I had just done what I had watched.  Kaori wrote a love letter to Kousei before she left.  And... I almost wrote Curtis a letter for his birthday.  I don't know what I was hoping it would do.  But what happened in Your Life in April is what I dreamed, would. Just everything that happened in those shows Curtis suggested to me, felt like me.

I spilled my heart out to him last week.  I just told him I was in a lot of pain.  I wanted him to know what he did wasn't okay.  That he was hurting people.  And I thought that by getting this emotion out I would feel better.  I was feeling great for the next 7 days that followed.  I really thought I felt closure and I don't know why. But then I started feeling sad again. I just felt lonely like I don't meet the status quo.  Like I'm not good enough.  And I started thinking about him and missing being with somebody.  Just having someone to hug, and talk to or text.  I have all my friends and family to do this with but I still wanted him.  His name is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I have a mental illness.  I'm sure of it.

Empty-ish

 I feel kinda blank again you guys.

I dunno.  I just feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly.  With no goals or reasons to reach.  Jess told me I should set some new goals, and.... I should then my brain wouldn't think so much.

I just.... dunno... I wanna be in love and I wanna be loved.  I wanna have a boyfriend its been so long.  I really want someone to snuggle with and laugh and hug and go on dates with.  And I'm mad at Curtis for giving that to me and taking it away.

I wanna tell him and I don't want to tell him that he's mean and selfish.  That he really needs to grow up and take responsibility for this choices.  That he keeps on running away and ignoring things and his ego is bigger than his head.

I wanna tell him I like him and please don't leave me.

It's just not fair.  I want to find this puzzle piece of my life so bad.  

The saying is maybe the thing you are looking for that will bring you happiness is inside you, and I never believe it because when I'm with someone its the happiest I feel and I don't believe I can do that by myself.  I'm my own person that is capable of taking care of myself but I always feel like something.... someone is missing.  Everyone says its wrong to think you need someone to complete you, but I do.  I want someone in my life to be happy with.

I always feel like something is missing, that's why.  That I'm not complete.

Can Curtis come back please.  I would just be so happy if he reached out to me and made me feel valuable again.