What is Meant to Be is Meant to Be

I dunno if I'm just romanticizing everything again.  

Life is so bizarre.  I want it to be a textbook where everything plays out like a chapter with perfect examples and scenarios and an answer key at the back.

I'm currently at a phase where I think I met my soulmate.  I say this because I've never met or felt the way I feel around PBC.  That nothing can explain it.  

But the logical thing I think is, I'm just growing and learning to accept things now, instead of getting mad and holding grudges?

I don't know.

But I still really do feel like I'm meant to know him.  Maybe not romantically, even though I would love that.

So anyways, here I am again to talk things out.

I messaged him again last week.  I KNOW I KNOW I JUST LIKE GETTING BURNED OKAY.

We had Mental Health Awareness at work and it made me think about him (well its partial truth because honestly I have a mental illness that makes me always think about people I like).  And I messaged him to tell him that and asked how he was doing.  And also threw in a joke about shiny magikarp hunting.

He replied back that he was just thinking about me, too and also asked how I was.  And we chatted for a bit.  He told me he was doing better and trying to keep busy which was helping.  At the end of the night, I messaged him bye and he messaged me sweet dreams.

I'm probably thinking into that message too much, but it made me happy.  I remember waking up the next day feeling similar to how I felt when I decided I was done with Coleston.  Similar..... but not identical.  I knew I wasn't going to be sad anymore, but I still wanted PBC to be around.  We didn't talk the next day, but I did message him the day after.  Just a funny meme that I saw, and then I sent him another picture of my grumpy Eevee, which he found very very funny.  We started talking about anime's and it felt similar to October again, where it was just easy conversation.  He suggested a new romcom for me to watch and I told him I didn't like watching romcoms because they are too realistically-unrealistic.  But that I did watch Your Name because I saw him post about it.  And then we got on the topic of crying, lol.  He told me that A Silent Voice was his new all time fav anime, but they both made him cry.  That after Your Name ended he went to watch YouTube reaction videos so he could cry more.  Lol, how masochistic.

I had to leave in the middle of the convo, but I wish now that I just continued talking.  When I got back home, I messaged him again and we just talked about normal things again for the rest of the day.  And at the end of the night he said goodnight when I went to bed, and that was 2 days ago.  

I know I asked myself before I messaged him what I was expecting to get out of reaching out to him, and I don't know.  I knew I had to accept that he might not have anything to give, so I guess I'm not shocked.  I just really wanted him to be a part of my life.

Oh.

And he told me he'll move back to Halifax in the summer.

So I guess there's that.

Lol.

I don't think he is interested in talking to me regularly anymore.

Which, whatever its fine.  Expectations are what ruin things, remember.

And so brings me to Your Name. I like this move a lot because..... it deals a little bit with fate, destiny, maybe time travel..... the Red String of Destiny.  You know.  I loved everything about this movie, Just how the 2 found each other, how the 2 lost each other, how the 2 finally met and how they found each other again.  They didn't even know that they were looking for each other, they just knew they were looking for something.  But when they met each other again, they knew they were supposed to know each other.

And that's how I feel about Curtis.

I don't actually remember this, I only know cause I looked back on my blogs, but when I first messaged PBC 7 years ago the first thing I said was "I have an incredible urge to message you".  And looking back at my silly blog entries I actually was quite enamoured with him, to the point where I couldn't look him in the face.  He was a big player back then.  And I forgot how many times I tried to get him to talk to me, but eventually I just gave up to try and work on myself.  However, he is the only guy I have ever been romantically interested in, who I didn't block.  I just kept him on my FB for some unknown reason.  And we didn't talk for over 7 years.

Until October when he messaged me to apologize for what he did back then.  I told him not to worry about it and that I never really held anything against him.  In reality though, it made me feel so happy and it boosted my confidence a lot.  I actually felt like I wasn't wrong or a bad person all those years ago because someone thought of me and came back to tell me, You're a great person, It was just Me who messed up.  And we started chatting and seemed to hit things off immediately.  I just found it so easy to talk to him.  And I'm sure a lot of girls say this to him, but to me, from my standpoint.  It was so rare.  I can't emphasize enough how normal I felt.  You know the quote you've seen around where its something like "Its sad that you've forgotten the type of person you were before depression became your life"  Well he made me forget about my depression when I was with him.  I was very very happy, and I swear being around him made me want to work on myself more.  I said to him a couple times before too, "You feel like a puzzle piece that fits really well".  

But of course the thing happened.  The thing happened, and I think I got over it and we are friends again, but now he's moving.  And just, yeah neither of us should get involved knowing how things are going to unfold, so.  Let it go right?

I do quite believe in fate and destiny.  That things happen for a reason, that there are things more powerful than coincidences drawing people, things and places together and to each other.  

In this scenario:

1. I reached out to Curtis 7 years ago saying I have a strong urge to message you. He was 1 of 3 people I ever messaged on there (1 being Dave, 2 being Brendan)
2. I never deleted him, of all people, off my FB, when I've deleted and blocked Dave, Andrew and Coleston
3. He reached out to me 7 years later to apologize and talk
4. I had back then and still have an unexplainable pull to him
5. He shared and posted an anime about 2 people who are destined to meet

You guys just thinking I'm thinking too hard about this and that I sound crazy I know.  But it's just too much of a coincidence for me to believe its nothing.

But I dunno what to do...... Like, the guy is literally moving away right after I found him again.....

I guess I just let things go and see if they come back again, huh.  And if they don't.... well then it's not meant to be, right?

The animation to Your Name was beautiful, too.  Plus I effing love astronomy stuff too so it was just perfect.

Inability to Cope

I just wanted to let you know I'm in a lot of pain right now because of you.

Because when you told me you didn't want to hurt me when we started talking again, I believed you and I let my guard down.

And I regret it, deeply.

Because talking with you for the 2 weeks in October was the most normal I have ever felt before and I thought I was going to be okay.

But what you did again triggered all that depression to come back out and I'm really sad that I have to fight through it all again and climb back up all the stairs I worked so hard on before.

I lied when I said when you stopped talking to me all those years ago that it didn't hurt.  It actually really did hurt and I just blocked it from my memory as the only way to get better.  But the memories came back and I feel really stupid.

I told you before, my one goal in life is to not make it hard on others, because I don't want anyone to feel the way I feel because of how poorly I treated them.

My Coping Mechanism

 Is weed.

A lot of weed, lol.  It used to be sleeping meds, but weed is much easier to access and..... safer?

Why am I like this you guys.  Why do I get so hung up on guys?  What is with me that needs to have a partner in life in order to feel complete.

I'm really co-dependant, I guess.  It's a term that I've been seeing pop up a lot and I've added it to my vocabulary, along with Gaslighting and Boundaries and Saviour Complex.  (*eyeball roll* what a Millennial) I'm really co-dependant, which I think is ironic because physically I think I'm pretty independent.

Or do I just want to prove to people that I am seem independent.... and am therefore co-dependent on other peoples praise and acceptance?  

Lol, see.

I'm so messed up.

And I actually miss Curtis.  Or his presence.  Which I don't know if it was real or not.  Ha-ha you guys I am so fucked up in the head.  PBC has no idea.

I'm-a-lonely, and sad.  Hahaha I don't feel as crushingly depressed as when like, I broke up with Dave, I'm still able to function but I feel really really sad and empty.  Like I just don't want to start again.

I really cannot explain it but I feel a connection with PBC, like I really have known him my entire life.  It feels like I'm talking to Iris when I talk to him, and I don't feel silly or akward around him.  I feel like myself.  Myself that isn't wearing a mask or pretending.

Hahahaha, I really dunno you guys.  I tell myself I'm not depressed because I remember what it was like to feel deathly depressed and I'm not there.

Just, like.  Why do you do this?  Why do you victimize yourself all the time and act like the world is out to get you.  Why are you the one who feels bad after something didn't work out that was beyond your fixing?  Like Coleston, you literally tried everything you possible could that time and you still found some way to make it your fault for things not working out.

The only light at the end of the tunnel I can see right now is.  After 3 chances with people, I tend to get my closure.  When I called it off with Coleston last year I was 99% positive I was done, after what happened I just felt that my heart wouldn't be in it again for him, that I had tried my absolute hardest and it still wasn't working so I knew things would never work out again.

I did reach out to PBC again on the weekend, like I told Jess I would.  I just wanted to tell him that while I was sad how things turned out again, he could talk to me if he needed someone, and that I liked him.  He responded some wishy-washy answer that He appreciated my message but just felt like he had nothing to give, and felt like he was hurting everyone.  I responded back again saying I wasn't deliberately taking a long time to reply to play games, I was just having trouble with words cause everything felt like the wrong thing to say.  But that everybody has their own way of dealing with things.

He didn't bother to read my messages.

So, I just deleted them after a couple days and I felt like that might be my finality.  I gave him once, twice, three chances and it ended up in the same place.

The thing that is the wildcard in this situation is if he really is going through a bout with depression right now, then it throws everything off and makes everything he is doing and not doing acceptable..... Right?  

Yes and No I guess.  

You can't be with someone who is unwilling to see their own faults and work on them. 

At least I am actively trying to fix my mental health cause I know untreating it is not going to make it go away.  Whereas PBC?  I dunno I don't think he realizes this, yet.

I think we are soul-friends.  I'm meant to know him.  And not like a Meant-to-Know-Him so it will teach me a lesson, kind of way.  

Lol, I'm so sad you guys I don't want to remember or feel anything right now!