I've developed a small addiction to sleeping pills.
It started a couple years ago when my doctor prescribed me Zoplicone.
It just made everything go away. Especially all the memories.
It gave me a little break in life. A few hours of peace and quiet where my brain wouldn't think, and I didn't feel sad.
Eventually of course the prescription ran out, and when I went to ask for more, he cut it down to 20 and said that he probably wouldn't give me anymore. So. Then I stopped using them. I saved them up for really bad nights. And some time went by. But then I found out you could order OTC sleeping pills online. With almost the same effect as the prescription pills. In almost twice the amount with no one stopping me, I take them as often as I can. In fact I've taken them every day this week.
And I think last week.
Sometimes I mix it up with a bit of Melatonin and I feel nothing at all.
It is the best thing in life.
If you guys saw how much pain I felt the last time I saw him, you would understand too.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Tuesday, November 08, 2016
Shortly after I posted yesterday's post, B gave me call.
He just had a funny story to tell me and chatted for a bit and then asked if I was gonna go out and play Pokémon. I actually was thinking about it and had just finished my hw, so I ended up going out to meet up.
We walked around dwtn for a couple hours and he bought me a hot cocoa. Somehow we got on the topic of girls and he called the girl that he was seeing his girlfriend, and I started feeling kinda sad because before, he would just say The girl that I'm kinda seeing. It was getting pretty close to midnight so we started heading back and he said he would walk me home. But then his girlfriend messaged him to say she was on her way to his place. And he said 'Oh I guess X is on her way over to see me. Wasn't expecting that but that's a nice surprise'.
And, I just started feeling really sad.
Eventually we made it close to his place and his gf said she was already there and he said 'Okay, I'm almost there, and I'm pretty bundled up so I'll be really warm.'
And, I just felt my heart crush itself.
We got to the fork in the road and he looked at me and asked if I wanted a ride home. I laughed and said no, your gf is waiting. And he asked again 'Are you sure?'
I'm fine.
And I smiled and left.
And as soon as I was half a block away my eyes started watering uncontrollably. All the way back home and into bed.
He just had a funny story to tell me and chatted for a bit and then asked if I was gonna go out and play Pokémon. I actually was thinking about it and had just finished my hw, so I ended up going out to meet up.
We walked around dwtn for a couple hours and he bought me a hot cocoa. Somehow we got on the topic of girls and he called the girl that he was seeing his girlfriend, and I started feeling kinda sad because before, he would just say The girl that I'm kinda seeing. It was getting pretty close to midnight so we started heading back and he said he would walk me home. But then his girlfriend messaged him to say she was on her way to his place. And he said 'Oh I guess X is on her way over to see me. Wasn't expecting that but that's a nice surprise'.
And, I just started feeling really sad.
Eventually we made it close to his place and his gf said she was already there and he said 'Okay, I'm almost there, and I'm pretty bundled up so I'll be really warm.'
And, I just felt my heart crush itself.
We got to the fork in the road and he looked at me and asked if I wanted a ride home. I laughed and said no, your gf is waiting. And he asked again 'Are you sure?'
I'm fine.
And I smiled and left.
And as soon as I was half a block away my eyes started watering uncontrollably. All the way back home and into bed.
Monday, November 07, 2016
Falco Lombardi
Because Geez Louise....
I genuinely think sometimes when I talk to B for multiple days straight, and then don't talk to him for a day.
I go through withdraw.
Oh. Em. Gee.
How pathetic.
Like genuinely, if he doesn't reply back to a text of mine (that's not a question) I just take it that he's busy, or he needs a break from talking to me every day, so I just lay off and leave him alone till whenever. Usually he's the one that breaks the ice again but once in awhile (like today) I keep checking my phone to see if he's messaged or called me, and then feel a little bummed that he hasn't.
And then usually I think of some stupid idea to text him and then I see how pathetic I look and go try and do something distracting.
Oh.
Look.
I have Japanese HW to do.
Lets go do that :(
I genuinely think sometimes when I talk to B for multiple days straight, and then don't talk to him for a day.
I go through withdraw.
Oh. Em. Gee.
How pathetic.
Like genuinely, if he doesn't reply back to a text of mine (that's not a question) I just take it that he's busy, or he needs a break from talking to me every day, so I just lay off and leave him alone till whenever. Usually he's the one that breaks the ice again but once in awhile (like today) I keep checking my phone to see if he's messaged or called me, and then feel a little bummed that he hasn't.
And then usually I think of some stupid idea to text him and then I see how pathetic I look and go try and do something distracting.
Oh.
Look.
I have Japanese HW to do.
Lets go do that :(
Sunday, November 06, 2016
Raichu-se You
Aaaaaaaaahm.....
So as per usual, I'm probably thinking too much.... but B and I have been hanging out and texting a lot. Like... every day for the last few weeks....
I dunno man, I can't tell. Maybe he talks to all his friends this much. But,....before he was kinda being his usual creeper guy-self talking about girls and stuff and lately he hasn't really. Well not exactly. I guess he did mention that he went shopping with the girl he was seeing a couple weeks ago. And he does keep saying how he thinks he's just being used as a winter boyfriend. I dunno really that should kinda clue me in that we're just friends right?
I just can't put my finger on it but I think maybe.... he might like me too?
Eep, I dunno, its a stressful thought. It's certainly something I'm wishful for, but I'm pretty scared I'm wrong and my soul's gonna be crushed....
So, a couple weeks ago I was getting mad tired from back to back midterms and Halloween and volunteering. I texted B and asked if he wanted to go to BBT after I got off class. He said he had a condo board meeting but would be done around the time I got off class (at 8:30pm). So, I finished class and stuck around campus for half an hour. Then I started getting that dreadful 'stood-up' feeling. I walked home and ate dinner and then texting him around 9:45pm.
You're not coming around you
I tried not to be too bummed out and called my parents to catch up. Around 15 minutes later he calls me and leaves a vm. And then texts me as well. His condo meeting went way longer than he though and called me right as he got out. I was pretty bummed out but I guess it wasn't his fault, so I just replied back and said I was already home and on the phone with my mom. He asked if I still wanted to go out and I just said no, to which he replied Okay have a good night then (or something). I listened to his vm later and it said pretty much the same thing, but also asked me to call him back. Not sure why that makes me feel sentimental.....
My imagination is going a little crazy lately and I feel like I think something is gonna happen, but I'm totally terrified that I'm completely wrong. Like I'm gonna say 'B I like you' and hes gonna be like Whoa What? No, Don't.
I was being really mope-y during midterm week because I literally didn't have time to do anything with anybody and he was being really nice and positive and trying to help me.
On my Birthday last week I invited him and a bunch of friends over for pumpkin carving. He came over super late and somehow managed to cut his thumb carving a pumpkin. I swear he was acting like a baby and I asked if he needed a bandaid or a wrap and he gave me the most 'Go Away' face I have ever seen. I was actually scared to talk to him for the rest of the night. He got so mad he left and went for a walk and I just thought he wasn't coming back. I was genuinely scared that he was that mad. Eventually he came back and said he actually started feeling light headed and had to go for a walk. Everyone laughed at him and I was still scared to talk to him and then everyone left around 1am.
I just assumed he wasn't going to talk to me for the next few days because I was being so mom-ish but he actually called me the next day to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I was working and couldn't and then he said had lots of fun pumpkin carving. I laughed and said I didn't believe him and he said he just didn't feel good after and was getting light headed. (I think maybe he was embarrassed and didn't want to look like a wiener in front of everyone?). Anyways, I was really glad he called because I thought he was upset.
The next day he texts me at 2:30am to say he is at the hospital because his thumb has swollen and infected. When I woke up and saw the message at 8am I actually thought it was a dick pick because it was a thumbnail of just his thumb. Thankfully it was not and I felt kinda bad because I distinctly remember him saying 'If this gets infected I'm not coming over again'
When I get off work I text and ask if he's at home and wants me to bring some food over. He replies back that he went to his parents' place for dinner and his parents said I could come if I wanted. I did not wish to come and that was that. He does text me again with some pokemon related stuff as he was trying to catch up to me.
The next few days he keeps texting me about pokemon, pokemon, pokemon. I'm still prepping for my last midterm. I end up inviting him to pizza with my brother and BFF because I knew he was around us playing pokemon. The entire dinner he was just talking about pokemon and then when he realized he passed me again he kept saying how I must have been so mad. I wasn't really at first because, I mean, I hadn't played in like 2 days whereas he was going hard for the last few days. I kept saying I wasn't mad and it started making me mad that he didn't believe me. So then, yes I got mad. Then I got home and texted him a long ass email saying it was really stupid of him to have kept rubbing something like that in my face until it made me mad. I told him that I wasn't trying to be in competition, but it was just a fun thing for me to do when I walked to work or school and that sometimes I got to see him. He just made up some stupid reason and kept going on about how pokemon was this and that. And I didn't respond and just went to bed upset.
The next morning I woke up and my hair was like Elvira because I must have been tossing and turning in my sleep. What surprised me though was B texted me a little article that made him think of me and said Good Morning and Have a Good Day. I was really surprised, so I texted him a photo of my intense bed-hair and said it was a result of going to bed mad. He laughed and told me again to have a good day.
He still does send me the odd text about pokemon, and calls me up to see if I want to hang out. And actually I remember saying to him once:
'I can't tell if you actually like talking to me or if its because I'm a Pokemon Master who just happens to live by you'
His answer was He didn't know either....
The last kinda exciting, confusing, story I have for you guys is a couple days ago while I was in a studying coma and thought I was going to go crazy. B was doing his usual Pokemon texting and seeing where we should go when I had free time. I was being super emo and negative and complaining. Eventually I went to bed and asked why he was talking to me so much lately and if he was getting tired because I complain so much around midterms.
His reply was
Probably Soon
I was actually secretly hoping for a really poetic and sweet answer. Something like the lyrics to a 2000 boyband song. I actually texted him that. And he replied right away with the chorus to a funny one hit wonder parody.
I replied back that I was really hoping for a sweeter Nsync or One Direction Song, but that I would take what I could get. Then I tried to change the topic.
He replied back with the lyrics to B4-4's Get Down song (If you get down on me I'll get down on you)
I laughed really hard and then my face turned red. I was definitely not expecting that from him.
After the lyrics he didn't talk to me again for a couple days. Until I texted him again, actually.
Oh man. I dunno. Either something's happening or Nothing's happening. I keep thinking I'm gonna say something to him, but when I see him I just forget about it. But then I always get scared that he's gonna start seriously dating again and I'll have missed my opportunity.
But what if it's not even an opportunity in the first place....
So as per usual, I'm probably thinking too much.... but B and I have been hanging out and texting a lot. Like... every day for the last few weeks....
I dunno man, I can't tell. Maybe he talks to all his friends this much. But,....before he was kinda being his usual creeper guy-self talking about girls and stuff and lately he hasn't really. Well not exactly. I guess he did mention that he went shopping with the girl he was seeing a couple weeks ago. And he does keep saying how he thinks he's just being used as a winter boyfriend. I dunno really that should kinda clue me in that we're just friends right?
I just can't put my finger on it but I think maybe.... he might like me too?
Eep, I dunno, its a stressful thought. It's certainly something I'm wishful for, but I'm pretty scared I'm wrong and my soul's gonna be crushed....
So, a couple weeks ago I was getting mad tired from back to back midterms and Halloween and volunteering. I texted B and asked if he wanted to go to BBT after I got off class. He said he had a condo board meeting but would be done around the time I got off class (at 8:30pm). So, I finished class and stuck around campus for half an hour. Then I started getting that dreadful 'stood-up' feeling. I walked home and ate dinner and then texting him around 9:45pm.
You're not coming around you
I tried not to be too bummed out and called my parents to catch up. Around 15 minutes later he calls me and leaves a vm. And then texts me as well. His condo meeting went way longer than he though and called me right as he got out. I was pretty bummed out but I guess it wasn't his fault, so I just replied back and said I was already home and on the phone with my mom. He asked if I still wanted to go out and I just said no, to which he replied Okay have a good night then (or something). I listened to his vm later and it said pretty much the same thing, but also asked me to call him back. Not sure why that makes me feel sentimental.....
My imagination is going a little crazy lately and I feel like I think something is gonna happen, but I'm totally terrified that I'm completely wrong. Like I'm gonna say 'B I like you' and hes gonna be like Whoa What? No, Don't.
I was being really mope-y during midterm week because I literally didn't have time to do anything with anybody and he was being really nice and positive and trying to help me.
On my Birthday last week I invited him and a bunch of friends over for pumpkin carving. He came over super late and somehow managed to cut his thumb carving a pumpkin. I swear he was acting like a baby and I asked if he needed a bandaid or a wrap and he gave me the most 'Go Away' face I have ever seen. I was actually scared to talk to him for the rest of the night. He got so mad he left and went for a walk and I just thought he wasn't coming back. I was genuinely scared that he was that mad. Eventually he came back and said he actually started feeling light headed and had to go for a walk. Everyone laughed at him and I was still scared to talk to him and then everyone left around 1am.
I just assumed he wasn't going to talk to me for the next few days because I was being so mom-ish but he actually called me the next day to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I was working and couldn't and then he said had lots of fun pumpkin carving. I laughed and said I didn't believe him and he said he just didn't feel good after and was getting light headed. (I think maybe he was embarrassed and didn't want to look like a wiener in front of everyone?). Anyways, I was really glad he called because I thought he was upset.
The next day he texts me at 2:30am to say he is at the hospital because his thumb has swollen and infected. When I woke up and saw the message at 8am I actually thought it was a dick pick because it was a thumbnail of just his thumb. Thankfully it was not and I felt kinda bad because I distinctly remember him saying 'If this gets infected I'm not coming over again'
When I get off work I text and ask if he's at home and wants me to bring some food over. He replies back that he went to his parents' place for dinner and his parents said I could come if I wanted. I did not wish to come and that was that. He does text me again with some pokemon related stuff as he was trying to catch up to me.
The next few days he keeps texting me about pokemon, pokemon, pokemon. I'm still prepping for my last midterm. I end up inviting him to pizza with my brother and BFF because I knew he was around us playing pokemon. The entire dinner he was just talking about pokemon and then when he realized he passed me again he kept saying how I must have been so mad. I wasn't really at first because, I mean, I hadn't played in like 2 days whereas he was going hard for the last few days. I kept saying I wasn't mad and it started making me mad that he didn't believe me. So then, yes I got mad. Then I got home and texted him a long ass email saying it was really stupid of him to have kept rubbing something like that in my face until it made me mad. I told him that I wasn't trying to be in competition, but it was just a fun thing for me to do when I walked to work or school and that sometimes I got to see him. He just made up some stupid reason and kept going on about how pokemon was this and that. And I didn't respond and just went to bed upset.
The next morning I woke up and my hair was like Elvira because I must have been tossing and turning in my sleep. What surprised me though was B texted me a little article that made him think of me and said Good Morning and Have a Good Day. I was really surprised, so I texted him a photo of my intense bed-hair and said it was a result of going to bed mad. He laughed and told me again to have a good day.
He still does send me the odd text about pokemon, and calls me up to see if I want to hang out. And actually I remember saying to him once:
'I can't tell if you actually like talking to me or if its because I'm a Pokemon Master who just happens to live by you'
His answer was He didn't know either....
The last kinda exciting, confusing, story I have for you guys is a couple days ago while I was in a studying coma and thought I was going to go crazy. B was doing his usual Pokemon texting and seeing where we should go when I had free time. I was being super emo and negative and complaining. Eventually I went to bed and asked why he was talking to me so much lately and if he was getting tired because I complain so much around midterms.
His reply was
Probably Soon
I was actually secretly hoping for a really poetic and sweet answer. Something like the lyrics to a 2000 boyband song. I actually texted him that. And he replied right away with the chorus to a funny one hit wonder parody.
I replied back that I was really hoping for a sweeter Nsync or One Direction Song, but that I would take what I could get. Then I tried to change the topic.
He replied back with the lyrics to B4-4's Get Down song (If you get down on me I'll get down on you)
I laughed really hard and then my face turned red. I was definitely not expecting that from him.
After the lyrics he didn't talk to me again for a couple days. Until I texted him again, actually.
Oh man. I dunno. Either something's happening or Nothing's happening. I keep thinking I'm gonna say something to him, but when I see him I just forget about it. But then I always get scared that he's gonna start seriously dating again and I'll have missed my opportunity.
But what if it's not even an opportunity in the first place....
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