It's slowly killing me.
I promised all the Shooting Stars I saw on Saturday that I was just going to stay friends with B. He is one of my favorite people to hang out with.
I promised myself I wouldn't try anything.
I feel like Freya. From Chobits. She falls in love with her father and knows that its not right because her father loves her mother and she could never take him away from her. So she slowly falls apart from knowing the person she loves can never love her back.. :'(
On Sunday he told me he's on and off seeing someone. It made my heart hurt a little.
When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person, at the same time, that's when its real.Then yesterday I had a dream we made out in his bed. He invited me up and we were lying down together and he just leaned over and kissed me.
I'm screwed.
I think it's just that we've been hanging out together so much that I'm starting to like him again. That and his goddam facial hair which has made him like 10x more attractive. Argh. Since my last post I've kinda been trying to keep my distance (ie haven't gone to the bar with him, tried to cut back on the texting) but I would still feel quite happy when his name showed up on my phone or inbox, or a little sad when it didn't. I got a comment from both him and Polish Guy on my Raven Cosplay, undoubtedly thanks to all the thigh I showed, and after Animethon I finally downloaded Pokémon Go. I was originally playing pretty incognito and nobody knew, but one night I went to the leg and P picked me out from the crowd and that was the end of that secret. After that B's been kinda on and off asking me to go and catch Pokémon with him. I'm positive he thinks of me as just a friend now but maybe a pretty friend. He does give me the odd compliment and tells me I look nice every once in a while, but he also ignores texts of mine sometimes. I dunno. I wish I had more guy friends to consult with, but I'm also pretty sure I'm just thinking too much. Guys don't talk to you about other girls if they are interested in you right?
On Saturday B & P went on a rafting trip. I didn't want to go and was walking around Whyte when a car honks at me and I see P and a couple other people I know on their way to Bubble Tea and invite me. B broke his phone and is out hunting for a new one and is MIA. But I do go with them, and then I end up having the worst panic attack of my life. It ended up not just being Polish Guy but like a dozen of his other friends from the rafting trip. They all go to SFC and I stupidly box myself into a corner so when everyone's food arrives I get trapped. I can't leave, I can't move, I have nothing to distract myself with. So I started panicking pretty bad. My heart started pounding and my eyes started watering. I was so scared I was going to start crying and everyone was going to look at me. And then I started feeling really stupid for freaking out in a simple situation. I ended up being able to keep it under wraps but I text P and say I have to get out of here, and that I was having really bad anxiety. When we get out of the restaurant I don't talk for the next 20 minutes. P asks if I'm feeling better and then tries to carry on conversation while we go look for Pokémon. I think maybe he is developing a small crush on me again. When we were sitting on the park bench and I leaned in close to make a joke and I'm pretty sure he looked at my mouth. He grabbed my hand a couple times and also made some innuendo when I told him I could reach two Pokestops while lying in bed. But anyways, towards the end of the night, he started telling me again how I was one of the most interesting people he has met and wished he could understand me better.
And then I went home started my FB hiatus.
And then P&B went to Prive to party it up and make out with girls.
During the time I was hanging out with P, I had messaged B twice (text and FB) and he didn't reply but posted something on FB. Little bummed? Yeah. I guess he did eventually text me back late at night "Just got a new phone, sorry for the late reply". To which I say nothing. And so while they were at Prive I just walked to campus and went stargazing.
Sunday I wake up and still feel kinda bummed from the panic attack. I had texted G and Tiny for help but Tiny made me feel even worse, while Gabby I know tried but didn't understand why I was panicking. So, I'm getting ready to go to WEM and just about to leave when I get a phone call from B. He asks if I wanna go for brunch, to which I say yes because for the first time in years I don't have dimsum plans with my grandparents. I walk over to his place and we go to Normand's for brunch. He asks me if I can move dimsum to Saturdays from now on and always go with him for Sunday Brunch. I'm sure he's only saying that because he loves brunch at Normand's. It's kinda quiet in the beginning and he asks why I haven't been coming out lately and asks if I'm getting stressed out again and/or don't want to socialize. I kinda beat around the bush and we change topics and conversation eventually picks up. Somehow we get on the topic of dating and I say 'I swear the only thing I have going for me is black hair and slanty eyes'. His reply is 'you're pretty hilarious too'. He ends up grabbing my meal and I say thanks and we go to WEM. It's kinda funny because I went to WEM on a mission and every store that I went into it ended up being him that bought something. In Aritzia he says 'There are no pretty girls in here.... well except for you!' And that makes me smile. Big brother is at WEM so I end up leaving with him and we go and get groceries. I tell B I'll text him when I get back downtown to go play Pokémon. When I finally get home it starts pouring rain and I'm a little sad because I do want to go out still and wait out the rain. When it stops I grab my phone and see I missed a text from B.
You left FB again?
P and I are going to see a movie in 10 minutes. We just decided this so sorry for the short notice.
My eyes water a little bit. I don't really recall B saying Sorry to me very often. And that he noticed I left FB (which I'm sure was bound to happen because I was in a group chat with him).
I text him back a few hours later telling him about the bad panic attack and that I wouldn't have made the movie but if they go out after, to let me know. A few hours pass and I think they just decide to do their own thing when I do get a text from B who says they are at the leg grounds. I debated if I should go, or if I should just go to bed and I am genuinely leaning towards the latter when I end up surprisingly going to leg. I'm walking there in my incognito clothing when B bikes past me, does a double take, realizes its me and says Geezus you're like a flippin ninja. I laugh because it's true and no one actually knows. P is also with him and we are walking around when he leaves to catch something and leaves B and I alone.
Are you feeling better?
I was actually a little surprised he asked me, I thought the leg text was his acknowledgement and he just didn't want to bring anything up. I sheepishly laugh and say yeah, and then go into a little bit of detail. It's not a serious conversation but when he's walking me home (okay he's actually walking to get Pokestops) he says to me, I always thought you were doing good for the last little while but I guess I don't know everything. And I tell him 'That's what I always think too". He drops me off at the condo and I walk up and for the first time I look back to see if he's still there.
He is. But most likely catching a Pokémon. Ha-ha/*single tear.
Monday, yesterday, after I get off work I go home and take a nap. Dead tired. When I get up I want to go out because its such a nice day, but I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I end up *nerd alert* going out to hatch some 10km Pokeggs. So I get on my bike for the first time since I almost flipped over the handlebars and bike to KW. I get there and walk around a little bit when I get a phone call. I have a feeling I know who it is. Who else would call me around this time?
And it is.
Hi B.
Hey what are you doing?
.....I don't want to tell you.......
*laughs* Where are you? I'll totally come and play!
I have some 10k eggs to hatch so I biked to Kingsway.
*laughs louder* oh my god you're so nerdy now, I love it. Okay I'll come meet you.
And that's the story of how I spent the next 6 hours playing Pokémon with Supercrush.
I wanted to drop some sweets off to my grandparents so we biked over to Chinatown and popped in.
Grandparent's never remember B, but are always happy to have visitors. B tells me he likes my grandpa and that he's funny. And then we bike to the leg and meet up with Polish Guy. I still have like 3km to go before my eggs hatch so I'm booking it on my own. Polish Guy is stealing my dual battery pack again and we are wandering off together before he has to leave for work. I find B and its almost midnight. He asks if I want to go home or keep going. I laugh and ask what does he think. (lawl) So we get biking again and he ends up going to grab something to eat and we just sit in the parking lot and chat for a bit while he eats.
It was nice.
After that B asked if I needed him to bike me home, to which I said no and then he told me the best way to get home and then we said bye.
I always feel like I let a load off my chest when I write out my day. It's so silly. But it feels like a little bit of the crush disappears after this.
Also. Right before I went to bed Polish Guy texted me You are so sweet when you sleep.
Also it is 2pm on Tuesday and Polish Guy just texted me asking if I'm at work....
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