Thoughts that Should Never Cross a Woman's Mind

Original Article found here:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/cassandra-davis/2015/01/6-thoughts-that-should-never-cross-a-womans-mind/

2. It doesn’t matter anyway. We weren’t exclusive.

All right. Hold up. Everything matters when two people express their feelings for each other. He deserves all the hatred and wrath because you deserve better. You deserve the romantic walks at midnight to look at the stars, phone calls, flowers, anniversaries, and in the end, the joy of trust. If he broke your trust and your heart, that’s all that matters.

Everything Matters.... 

It wasn't just a one sided game I was playing or trying to delude myself that I was over-reacting. It mattered because Andrew implied he liked me as well and made an effort to show it. It did matter what he did in the end because it was immature and cowardly for leading me on and I guess I do have a justifiable reason to feel hurt.

I believed him.

I had a dream

A silly dream. 

I dreamt Andrew and I were still seeing each other and about to go watch a movie. I told him I had trouble trusting him and he got mad and walked away from me. 

In dream life and real life I'm not sure if I should have apologized or not and felt bad. 

I keep asking myself what was the trigger that caused Andrew to turn away from me. I'm sure overthinking is somewhere there..... but I think he had something to do with that too. I used to be really confident and happy and friendly. I like to think a lot of people would describe me as that. It was only after I started seeing you again and that last week where I started going downhill again. I don't want to completely blame you, but I think we just weren't a great match. I feed on optimism and caring and attention. I just never got that from you. I thought I tried really hard this time, and I did. The times I did slip I think were justifiable. The first time we fooled around and immediately after you didn't message me for an entire day, compared to dozens of messages a day. What would any self conscious girl like myself think? I don't know why Andrew, I liked you and I wanted to trust you, but I just couldn't convince myself. I never even added you back to my contact list after we started talking and I never told anybody I was seeing someone. I just didn't want you to become something permanent in case I had to erase you again. All your messages just came up as Unknown.

Maybe I did know.

I did try harder this time. And I think you did too. So maybe you were telling me the truth that you got back together with your girlfriend. But.... I think my reaction after you told me says something as well. I sent you a message telling you I was really going to hurt. You didn't respond back. And that was it. I deleted all of our messages and knew I just didn't want to talk to you anymore. I thought I wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to me but it really shouldn't matter. I didn't want to talk to you anymore either and that's what matters most to me. That I was tired of this game, and somehow not surprised. I didn't want to fight for someone like you. I wanted the happiness that you brought me when I saw you and when we talked but.... I didn't want the pain that came with it. The small amounts of happiness you gave me just weren't worth the sadness.

I haven't dated a lot of people, but you are genuinely the only other one that would send me on a rollercoaster of emotions. The only one that caused me to doubt myself and my intentions. I know its my fault too for being so insecure.... but.... someone who cares about you should never make your insecurities grow. And.... I think realizing that is important. Doubts grow when you give them a reason to and you're lack of interest and respect for me was a big reason.

Things I Did for You

I keep thinking I did everything wrong. That I was a horrible person to Andrew and all I did was complain. But I didn't, right? I did a lot of nice things for him. I just forget.

I said sorry for asking him to leave me alone.

I told him I liked talking to him.

I gave him 2 pairs of suspenders that I had made.

I told him he had a nice butt.

I told him he had a nice body.

I told him I liked him better than donuts.

I bought him ice cream.

I gave him cookies.

I gave him pineapple cake.

I said thank you when he brought me tea.

I said thank you when he walked me home.

I sometimes told him he was sweet

I always wanted to see him.

He knew I liked him.

I sometimes said Good Morning and Good Night.

I replied back within reasonable amounts of time.

I asked about him.

I wanted to know what he liked

I wanted to know what didn't like.

When I thought he was struggling I tried to help him.

When he told me he was getting back with his girlfriend I didn't get mad at him.

I didn't tell him he should have chosen me.

I just told him that he made me hurt.

And I just told him to grow up and treat her better.

I just wanted him to be happy.

I just wanted him to like me.

I just wanted to see him because it made me happy.

I had trouble giving you handshakes. I told you so many times that I had problems. I guess it was my fault for thinking you could accommodate me. For thinking you would understand me. I thought you were an introvert, and maybe you were, but it doesn't mean you and I were the same. I could open up to you sexually and you the same, but that was all. Both of us couldn't go any further than that. I want to think you are broken too, just like me.

But I can't depend on that. 

I just need to know that I tried, and I was a good person. Someone will like me for exactly who I am one day. And they won't make me feel bad for being broken. 

I miss the idea of someone

I miss the idea of Andrew.

I keep thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will text me. I keep thinking of all the things he and I did together. I keep wondering if he thought I was a bother and that's why he wanted to erase me out of his life.

I miss feeling like someone thought about me. I wish Andrew stayed.

I keep on having roller coaster emotions. In daylight and when I'm around people I'm okay, I feel like Andrew was a jerk and I see all the immature things he did. But when it gets dark and I get home and I try and study I think of him and I wish I could message him and wish he would say sorry and come over and give me a hug.

I wish he chose me.

Even though I think I knew it wasn't right. I felt really nervous around him all the time. But I just wanted him to like me. We never really talked about anything else except for sex. I wish he would start deeper conversations with me about philosophy and hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wished he would have asked me to look at the stars at night and hold my hand and want to go for a walk. But he never asked me much about myself. I always wanted to learn about him and hoped that he would teach me things he knew. But.... it just never happened.

It wasn't meant to be, C. Stop being sad. Stop missing Andrew. He was never good for you.