Just kidding.
I had a dream that Andrew apologized.
D:
Friday, November 27, 2015
Anti-Epiphany
I had an anti-epiphany in Business Law Class today. Epiphanies usually strike people at random moments and enlighten them. I called this one an anti-epiphany because it did everything except instead of enlighten it took me a step backwards.
I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.
Was I the other girl?
Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?
His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....
And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.
It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).
I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself 'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.
THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.
So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.
So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week
I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.
Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.
I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.
Was I the other girl?
Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?
His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....
And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.
It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).
I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself 'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.
THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.
So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.
So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week
I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.
Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Domo Arigato
I feel like Robot-o
I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.
It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.
A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.
I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.
I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.
I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.
I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.
Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.
I paused because I knew what he was talking about.
If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.
Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.
NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........
and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.
I messaged him because I did miss him. And I said Sorry for what I did before.
Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.
Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.
I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.
Goodbye, Andrew.
I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.
It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.
A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.
I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.
I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.
I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.
I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.
Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.
I paused because I knew what he was talking about.
If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.
Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.
NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........
and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.
I messaged him because I did miss him. And I said Sorry for what I did before.
Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.
Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.
I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.
Goodbye, Andrew.
Monday, November 23, 2015
I'll Take You're And Idiot for $1000, Alex
The answer to all last post's questions are simply this:
He was getting back together with his ex.
Oh, yes of course, what else could it have been. Silly me.
Of course I hurt. I'm going to hurt for the next few weeks.... maybe a month. I know what will happen. I'm just not looking forward to when it happens.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
I'm like a teenage white girl drama queen
Wow, wow, wow.
Who woulda every thought that I would use that phrase to describe myself.
I shouldn't deny it because its true.
I hooked up with Weird Awkward Guy.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Who am I and what am I doing.
So, the day after the end of UPS Man, I was really upset that he played me like that. (Even if you all say he was just being friendly). I was still in disbelief and... so I did was any normal white girl would do and I messaged a boy that the last words I ever said were "I don't want to talk to you anymore".
The entire year and a half I thought about him. I thought that maybe I was being too selfish and expected too much from him. I was comparing him to Dave, and when he didn't do things I wanted or expected, I got mad. I thought it was my fault and I was being immature. He put up with all my whining and complaining, he said sorry to me all the time. So it was my fault and I messaged him first.
Why are Boys Mean. Why Can't They Just Be Nice and Not Lie.
He replied back and we've been talking since.
Well. Since Wednesday anyways.
Everything was going really good. We were talking every day. I actually saw him in person several times and sometimes he would bring me tea. I thought everything was going good. He was sweet most of the time and answered all my nosy questions. He was pretty busy though and usually 1 out of 3 times I asked him to hang out, he would have some other commitment, but I thought that was normal. And then we fooled around. And then a week later we had sex. But he still talked to me after that. I thought everything was going really good. He said he wanted to hang out with me last week before going on a family trip to Canmore for the weekend. But our schedules didn't match so we never met up. He said he wanted me to take him to eat Chinese Food when he got back.
But when he got back he was a huge jerk. He started doing the whole no need to reply to me thing. It was a huge change. I didn't get a good morning or good night anymore. It took him several hours to reply back to me and his reply was non conversation starting. I was feeling pretty dejected again. I didn't want to bug him too much, maybe he was busy or tired. So I just waited. One or two messages on Monday. A small conversation on Tuesday and one message on Wednesday.
So I asked him. Why the lack of messages suddenly? You used to message me numerous times a day?
No reply.
And then it passed midnight so I knew he had read it and went to bed.
I was mad. Really really mad. What the fuck is wrong with you, I thought. Seriously, what is your problem and why do you think this is a game? And then I remembered that's what had pushed me over the top last year. His sudden development of I'm an Asshole Syndrome. It totally happened last year too and I remember him being cocky and 'oh well' attitude. I was so mad. If your busy you don't have to reply right away, I get it, but have the fucking decency to reply before you go to bed you Asshole. I wish SO HARD that he would get a taste of his own medicine.
And so, I sent a message and called him a huge Jerk, and that if he wasn't interested he could have the decency to take 10 flipping seconds out of his super important life to let me know and to please don't play games with me.
And of course. No Reply.
Someone tell me that I'm not being to demanding and that he's being a jerk.
I have no idea what is going on between us. Did I hook backup with another Fuck Boy? Geezus Christ. I DON'T GET IT !!
I genuinely thought he was interested in me.......but the more time that passes the more I'm starting to think he just wanted sex?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I dunno, What an Asshole !!!!
Why did I start talking to him again. You're a fucking idiot, C.
Who woulda every thought that I would use that phrase to describe myself.
I shouldn't deny it because its true.
I hooked up with Weird Awkward Guy.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Who am I and what am I doing.
So, the day after the end of UPS Man, I was really upset that he played me like that. (Even if you all say he was just being friendly). I was still in disbelief and... so I did was any normal white girl would do and I messaged a boy that the last words I ever said were "I don't want to talk to you anymore".
The entire year and a half I thought about him. I thought that maybe I was being too selfish and expected too much from him. I was comparing him to Dave, and when he didn't do things I wanted or expected, I got mad. I thought it was my fault and I was being immature. He put up with all my whining and complaining, he said sorry to me all the time. So it was my fault and I messaged him first.
Why are Boys Mean. Why Can't They Just Be Nice and Not Lie.
He replied back and we've been talking since.
Well. Since Wednesday anyways.
Everything was going really good. We were talking every day. I actually saw him in person several times and sometimes he would bring me tea. I thought everything was going good. He was sweet most of the time and answered all my nosy questions. He was pretty busy though and usually 1 out of 3 times I asked him to hang out, he would have some other commitment, but I thought that was normal. And then we fooled around. And then a week later we had sex. But he still talked to me after that. I thought everything was going really good. He said he wanted to hang out with me last week before going on a family trip to Canmore for the weekend. But our schedules didn't match so we never met up. He said he wanted me to take him to eat Chinese Food when he got back.
But when he got back he was a huge jerk. He started doing the whole no need to reply to me thing. It was a huge change. I didn't get a good morning or good night anymore. It took him several hours to reply back to me and his reply was non conversation starting. I was feeling pretty dejected again. I didn't want to bug him too much, maybe he was busy or tired. So I just waited. One or two messages on Monday. A small conversation on Tuesday and one message on Wednesday.
So I asked him. Why the lack of messages suddenly? You used to message me numerous times a day?
No reply.
And then it passed midnight so I knew he had read it and went to bed.
I was mad. Really really mad. What the fuck is wrong with you, I thought. Seriously, what is your problem and why do you think this is a game? And then I remembered that's what had pushed me over the top last year. His sudden development of I'm an Asshole Syndrome. It totally happened last year too and I remember him being cocky and 'oh well' attitude. I was so mad. If your busy you don't have to reply right away, I get it, but have the fucking decency to reply before you go to bed you Asshole. I wish SO HARD that he would get a taste of his own medicine.
And so, I sent a message and called him a huge Jerk, and that if he wasn't interested he could have the decency to take 10 flipping seconds out of his super important life to let me know and to please don't play games with me.
And of course. No Reply.
Someone tell me that I'm not being to demanding and that he's being a jerk.
I have no idea what is going on between us. Did I hook backup with another Fuck Boy? Geezus Christ. I DON'T GET IT !!
I genuinely thought he was interested in me.......but the more time that passes the more I'm starting to think he just wanted sex?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I dunno, What an Asshole !!!!
Why did I start talking to him again. You're a fucking idiot, C.
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