No More.
It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.
I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.
Thus it inevitable that we broke up.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Why is this one so hard
So very very hard.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.
This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.
This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
My favorite movies
So I'm supposed to be making lists of things that make me happy and I thought I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies that always make me happy after watching them :)
Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie
....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.
Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie
....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Half a Year
Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.
Half a year.
Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.
But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.
A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.
Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away.
Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away.
A different kind of sadness
Does anyone else ever feel really really sad after they finish reading a really good book?
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?
When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)
So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !
Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?
When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)
So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !
Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.
Friday, February 01, 2013
Angels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QavgbeEAZmQ
While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....
Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.
I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.
I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....
I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....
Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.
I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.
I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....
I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
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