One Wish.....

....if I only had One Wish I wonder what I would wish for......

Sometimes I wish I had died 5 years ago. When I was the most depressed. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. So....I wouldn't have to put up with the things a Chinese Girl is expected to do. So I wouldn't be so inclined to gossip all the time. So I wasn't so weak and useless. Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I am now. I always pretend to be so happy and so cool and distant and uncaring and neutral....but. I'm not that happy, and I dont think I'm cool at all and if anything I worry more about people and what they think of me more than anything else in the world. I hate that because I'm so neutral and that I dont like talking about people I always become the middle man who everybody complains to. I hate that I, as a woman, will forever be inclined to gossip and what gossip does to people. Including me.
All it took today was one stupid little text message to ruin my day. Completely ruin it. I was in such a good mood to get lots done at the studio, and on the way there my co-worker sends me one little sentence and I just though, "why. why would you send me that and just ruin my day". We've been having a little bit of a problem with one of the girls at work and her not closing our system properly. She closes on Sunday. I open on Monday. The first time I let it slide. The second time I sent them a private message rather than post it in our journal for others to read. This monday it happened again and I was really really upset. I know she's leaving at the end of the month so I've always just been saying 'let it go. let it go. 2 more weeks' but I was really upset so I wrote it down in the journal and specifically said their names. And today my other co-worker sends me this message saying 'so and so is writing a long note regarding your message to them' And I just got really upset. Even on my fucking day off gossip gets to me. What benefit do I have from knowing this information. If anything its all I'm going to be worrying about is what this note says and that its most likely written to me. I HATE that all we do at work is just talk and talk and gossip. I try my best not to spread it because I know it benefits no one, but I'm working here so often that sometimes I do. And I dont like that I'm doing it. Just one stupid little message ruined my day, and it snowballed into me complaining to my best friend and Dave, and when they tried to cheer me up or give me advice it just made me even more upset because I felt like 1. she's never been in this situation before and 2. he's just saying that to make me feel better. And so, this stupid thing has been worrying me all day today. Fucking ridiculous isnt it? And to top it off, I just got mad at Dave for the stupidest thing because I'm still in a bad mood from worrying about what to expect at work tomorrow.

My heart is playing tricks on me......

Ack.
So.... I thought I was pretty over super crush and that he was just regular friend now....... Well.... maybe I should start from the beginning.....

So. I'm pretty sure I'm Super Crush's friend's Super Crush (got it?). Im not really attracted to him, but we get along really well..... and.... like its really easy to talk to him (which I have discovered is what happens to all guys that I don't find attractive but end up attracting) Well, anyways. So its weird awkward love triangle. First one I've ever been in!!! Okay okay, back on topic. So sometime last last week, during my 45 minute commute between jobs I was talking to SCF (super crush's friend) and we get on topic of bubble tea and how I haven't had one in forever. He asks me whats my favorite bubble tea and I say it depends where I am. He says Tea Cottage, and I say I think thats the one that has Ferrero Rocher Bubble Tea. But then I get to Ky and start my shift so I cant check my phone anymore....... mid way through the shift he shows up with a bubble tea for me !!! *aaaaaaaaw* And he says 'so.... they didnt have a Ferrero one, but I got you this chocolate one instead......' and I say to him 'hahaha you're so white-washed!!!' (yes yes I know a MILLION people have told me I am a jerk !!!!) And then he leaves I go back to work yadda yadda yadda. The next dayy (please keep in mind this guy usually sends me 10+ text msgs a day) I dont receive a SINGLE message from him. And i send him one right before bed saying 'are you okay? I haven't heard from you all day!' ......no reply...... Okay whatever. Next day.....same thing.... No Messages!!! And I'll be honest. I was pretty sad!!! It was weird. It's like..... you talk to somebody every day for a month and then one day they just dissappear. It made me really really sad, which I was not expecting! I started worrying that he got upset cuz I said he was whitewashed and realized how mean I was to him and decided to move on. And yeah so I started getting really paranoid!!!! I sent him one more msg asking if he was really okay, and he calls me back right away (but i'm at work and can't pick up) so he leaves a VM. I slightly panick because I think its him saying 'Fuck off already' ....... I finally get off work and listen and............. apparently he has sent me a gazillion messages but none of them have been going through. Geezus I almost cried. But, it was weird because I started to wonder if I was developing a ....crush?......feelings?.......something for him? o.O
Yah....so..... that happened, and then since then I've kinda seen him for lunch and the odd time out........ and..... so I was thinking.... maybe......? Well.... Thursday night we went out with a mutual friend and the 3 of us talked about a lot of stuff and she kept saying 'why arent you guys dating?!!' And... we just pretended not to hear it....... eventually after he drove everybody home, he dropped me off last and I said i'll probably see you tomorrow.
Now....here is where it gets weird. Tomorrow rolls around. And I'm getting ready to go to Vinyl. Because my phone still isn't able to receive texts from him, Super Crush texts me (because they are at vinyl together) saying 'your husband is wondering where you are'....... o.O That.... made me..... not angry...... but... I thought it sounded like super crush was a bit annoyed at me? So.... anyways I get to Vinyl and bump into a friend and we are talking and i turn around and there is Super Crush and co. coincedentially walking towards the bar. I wave I wave I wave. Then we go upstairs and have some drinks. Super Crush buys us some shots (including me). So..... I feel happy because I'm not crushing so hard on Super Crush anymore ! He is doing his usual rounds hunting for prey, I'm okay!! We dance a bit, I'm okay!! I ask him how the event went he says 'why dont you ask Dave?' ........... oh..... that felt a little hostile too..... but whatever right?.... So... anyways I'm dancing with his friend, he is back making his rounds. He comes back and says hes gonna take off. And gives his friends all hugs. I dont really like hugs so I just wave, and he waves back and leaves.....I'm okay!! Me and SCF are dancing..... aaaah like maybe closer than I would normally dance with him- dancing........ We're there for another hour or so an eventually we leave. I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk, because I felt fine, and was pretty clear headed.... And I hold his arm as he walks me to the car, opens the door for me, drives me home, etc etc. I go home, and I'm feeling pretty happy!
But then. I wake up the next day and my F-ing heart is being a giant douche. I start worrying about Super Crush for some stupid reason. I wonder if he was ever interested in me or not. I always just assumed he wasn't but.... when I think about some of the small things that he first said to me when we first met..... it confuses me. And it confuses me EVEN MORE if I think about dating his friend !!!! Because..... i obviously like Super Crush more than him. And..... like what 'IF' by some chance Super Crush was slightly interested in me, and then here I am dating his friend........ I just remember the very first night I met him face to face I asked why he woudln't dance with me and he said 'I knew Dave was interested in you too so......' .....oh noooooo. :(
*sob sob* So confused......but.......Well..... I guess I could be (and probably am) over analysing this and that Super Crush is not interested in me at all. But... now I feel (if possible) even worse about his friend because.... I feel like I'm ...... not being sincere to him??? I cant tell yet if I actually ACTUALLY like him or..... if i'm just enjoying the attention ...... or what......:( :(

When did I become so void.
All this time I thought I was just being passive but I never thought I was coming off as not caring. Shit. Whenever people ask me for advice....Id just tell them..... "It doesn't matter what I think, its your life". I just thought that it made sense. Who am I to give someone advice when I know nothing about them...... Arrrrrrgh. But now that I've been told that that reasoning 'lacks empathy' it makes me feel so bad. So. Bad. How the hell did this happen? I remember when Jess was at our place and she found out she had Cancer. And she sat on the couch and cried and I just..... I didn't know what to do. I sat in the kitchen....and I fucking didn't say anything. What is wrong with me. Aaaaaaaah. But I really don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes. Different circumstances make different outcomes. And.... and..... FUCK I'm just making up excuses again. Why do I doubt myself so much. My mind just freezes when I have to make decisions regarding life. Fuck fuck fuck. Why do I doubt myself so much. Why can't I just say yes or no, or this is what I think? I'm so fucking scared of what people think of me that I can't even make decisions for myself.
I'm sorry too for trying to be more than just friends. My heart tells me the truth but my mind keeps wandering. I thought I had it under control....but I guess I dont. So.... I'll try harder okay.

Edmonton Spring Classic Aftermath.

Hi Yo!

Does anybody like this dress?! I'm so proud of it. Hahaha. It won me 3rd place at the EDM Spring Classic. I almost cried I wasn't expecting it at all.

Aaaaanyways, a little explaination..... This pale pink strapless dress is the first dress from Parasol's Spring 2011 Collection. I was really inspired by the lace trim (which I picked up from New York). My designs are usually really flirty and girly and I felt this design embodied it really well. However, what I'm MOST proud about is....... this is the first garment where I silkscreened an image onto. I suppose you can't *really* see it, but its a hand drawn feather silkscreened onto the bottom right hand corner of the dress. I was SO happy how it turned out. Another thing I'm pretty happy about is how well the night turned out. Not gonna lie I was PRETTY nervous having to do interviews AND mingle with the crowd. Speaking is NOT my forte..... But, I musta did pretty well because I got 3rd place!! I'm also extra proud because I know 1st and 2nd place had a lot of friends there to vote for them....I suppose I did too, but I mingled really really REALLY well with complete strangers so I'm positive I got a lot of votes from unbiased people which makes me smile :) Sooooo happy. Hahahah, the only downside (if really even) is that after they told me I placed 3rd, they said 'Oh it was SO close, you lost 2nd place by ONE vote!!!' .....that was bittersweet. Hahaha......

And the second story I have for you tonight iiiiiiiis..... Super crush and I went for dinner tonight! Yaaaaaaay :) Hahahah. Eyeball roll I know I know. But anyways, I called him yesterday asking if he wanted to go for dinner at my friends new restaurant, and he thought for a bit then said 'sure, why not.' Didn't talk much after and then just hung up..... Wasn't really exited or anything so then I went to bed. 7 30 rolls around and I get a msg from him saying something came up and he couldn't make it for dinner anymore. I read the msg. Said 'why am I not surprised' to myself. Then went back to sleep. Hahaha secretly I wasnt surprised because its happened every single time we were supposed to meet up. so I wasn't THAT upset..... (maybe a teense because I did msg iris). But anyways, the day rolled by and I went to the studio to grade my dress. I failed miserably as I fell asleep :( Hahaha BUT, i was JOLTED awake by my cell ringing and it was super crush!!! Hahahaha. Apparently whatever he had to do fell through so he wanted to see if I still wanted to go out. UH YEAH! hahahah. So.... long story short we did end up going for dinner and it was pretty good! I didn't talk like a ditzy school girl and the staff and super crush got along really well. He ordered sake and totally tried to get me drunk!!!! Hahahah maaaaaaybe not..... but I did get red faced from drinking so fast....... but I'm pretty sure I stayed a lady !! And then. At the end of the meal........(wait for iiiiit)............ he paid for dinner! I was NOT expecting that. I actually was considering to pay for dinner since I still hadn't used my KY giftcard. But he brushed me off :( Yes, yes, I know he was just being friendly and he also clearly stated 'this isn't a date' as I also stated when we first sat at the sushi bar. Soooo it's nothing special. But.... I just didn't expect it at all since we always split the bill, and I thought it was really nice :) Hahaha, such a school girl :[

and oh btw, Brendan is totally left handed........

so overwhelmed

So. I'm not sure why I like sending you these but, I'm so overwhelmed right now.
I'm tired all the time, and I feel like I have so many things to do but dont have time to do them. I came home today after work and I started to get so frustrated because I started to clean up some clutter around the condo, and I just... everywhere I looked I wanted to cry. My brother makes me so angry sometimes. I've told him, there is food in the fridge heat it up. Does he? No. He'll order pizza and we have pizza boxes/take out piling up on the counter. Grandparents ask him to go over and pick up food/soup. He'll bring it home, but is too lazy to heat it up so it just stockpiles up in the fridge. There are probably 4 pails of soup in there right now. Huge pile of dishes in the sink. I've told him, sort out the junk mail downstairs dont bring it up here. Does he? No. He'll bring everything up here and put it on the shoerack till it piles up. I went through it just now and theres Bank/Insurance/Whatever letters in there for him from January! I sorted out all his letters from the junk mail and pushed them over to him to file or whatever. He got up. Left them on the floor. And went to bed. I just sat on the floor and cried. Its such small stuff, but like, why am I the one that has to do it. Aaaaaaaaall his bottles pile up on the countertop until I sort them and put them in bags, and then the bags will pile up until I tell him 'lets do the bottles'. I just feel like everybody expects so much of me. Grandparents dont bother to ask either of my brothers to.... bring them milk/eggs/take them to the doctors/anything because they are 'too busy'. So they just call me now, because if I dont do it no one will. When my parents come out to visit, my mom always pulls me aside and asks me 'is it a bother when we come out to see you guys? we miss you lots but it seems we are in your way everytime we visit?' And it breaks my heart everytime, But she never tells my brothers so I'm the only one who feels guilt ontop of guilt. I can tell my brothers everything, but at the same time I cant tell them anything because..... I dont think it really matters. Last week, I tried telling them about how upset I was with Michael. How, he's been calling me non-stop and his mom and how I'm trying to cut them outta my life. And I was saying how it was so hard because I've never had to do that before. And he just kept saying 'have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him?' I just couldn't explain enough how I've been trying to tell him for the past 6 months that hes been bothering me. And I tried to explain how Michael would always guilt me into feeling bad. I tried to tell my brothers how he told me the doctors put him on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and stuff and how.... I didn't know whether or not he was lying and whether or not I should be worried or angry or whatever, but... I got half the sentence out and then my brother stood up and turned to my grandparents and started asking them if wanted more tea like he wasn't even listening. And .......so in the end I just didn't tell anybody.
Did I mention I'm worried I'm not going to get my dresses done in time for the competition this Friday? Did I mention I'm worried my fabric isn't going to come in in time? Did I mention all I really really want is to just tell someone all these things, but am scared to?.......

Fantasizing about kisses

Hahaha yup, I was reading an article on google and just thought about how long its been...... :(

I'm not to sure what to write about in here today....... Just feel like its been a really long time. I didn't tell this story to anybody because I thought it was just me being a schoolgirl, so I'm just gonna put it on here. On monday Michael called me and I was kinda upset about what happened on CNY and his msg to me about drinking by himself again yadda yadda yadda. I didn't want to talk to him so I didn't answer his call. He calls again on Tuesday a few times. I was kinda getting annoyed. Aaaaaand of course the first thing that happens is I think to ask super crush what he thinks. I go online and hes online. Then I get the doubts and logoff quickly before I do something stupid. maybe like 45 minutes pass and Michael calls me again! I dont pick up and I say to myself *If Brendan is online I will ask him, if he is not, then so be it I'll call it quits* Obviously I go online, and hes not online. Ha-ha. Figures. So I sigh and say 'its a sign'........ Two minutes later I get a text msg from him....... yup. hhahah it really is a sign!!! Hahahaha yeah i know i know, I'm such a loser. Anyways he was just asking everyone for wings, and then I ask him about his exes and if hes ever had problems with them..... Long story short he eventually calls me and we talk for a bit and he tells me I really need to stop talking to Michael and his mom as they are causing more grief for me and I'm already emo enough. (yup, he said I was emo !) Hahaha.... :(

And THEN, I think that I'm turning into someones super crush...... no joke. I've been talking to Dave a lot lately and I *think* he is having a crush on me..... but I could be wrong. I've been going out to some clubs with him lately. sometimes I worry I'm leading the guy on but I dont know what I'm doing I swear!! I dont think I'm attracted to him, but I like that hes really funny. I actually like that all Brendan and Dave's friends are funny. But I gotta be careful about unintentionally hitting on him...... as I think I might be doing...... Le Sigh, why can't it be the other way around :( :( :(

Happy Chinese New Year !

恭喜发财，新年快乐，心想事情。

Mmmm yup, Happy Chinese New Years sports fans. I know its been a tiny while since I've written here. But just wanted to give a quick update. Am still single..... Hahaha that is all. But yah, my mom told me this year is supposed to be a really bad year for us Oxen. Normally that wouldn't worry me except she actually pullled me aside to point out my horoscope and specifically pointed to the part on Love. But either or. Love, Finance and Life in general seem to be taking a nose dive D:

Not like I really really believe it but yah. Anyways today we went to (our last?) CNY Banquet. It was probably the least entertaining one that we've ever gone too. I asked Brendan to come but..... long story short he did not. I was kinda sad, but whatever, friends over crush right. And then, mid way through dinner he calls me and says they are all going to Vinyl and I should meet up with them later, so I say okay depends what time we finish at Mirama. Dave texts me the same thing. I'm talking to Dave throughout the banquet. And it sounds like the rest of my gang is game for going to Vinyl as well. I'm pretty pumped! Tralala dinner finishes and we all agree to head over to Vinyl. We go to Tara's place to drop off some stuff, and F-ing everybody starts to bail. One person says they dont wanna go, so then the other person says, OH if your not going then I dont wanna go. Which results in, OH. WELL if so and so isn't going then I dont wanna go either. So.... other long story short, originally 6 girls were gonna come. Then nobody. I was so pissed off. I just ended up saying to Tara just us were gonna go. So we did. And as we're leaving the house Dave txts me and says Vinyl is packed and they are just going to Red Star for drinks then Buffalo after. I am confused and call Dave, who doesn't answer. So I call Brendan and as him where he is and he says *I'm in the club where do you think I am* and hangs up..... Was SUPER pissed at that. So then Dave calls me back and tells me to go to Red Star which me and Tara go to. Right before we go inside Brendan calls me back and is cussing up a storm to me about how wherever he is is F-ing awesome and how no one can make up their F-ing minds. And really. I JUST got there and didn't know what the fuck was going on either so I didn't understand why he was complaining to me. So i just say to him *stop yelling at me please, stop yelling at me stop yelling at me* and then he just hangs up again..... Yeah needless to say I was pretty upset. Jerk. :( :( :(
But ANYWWAYS, we actually ended up having a pretty good time. Met some of Dave's other friends who are all equally HILARIOUS. Fuck I laughed so hard after Buffalo. aaaaah Blue Waffle..... *sigh* I'm kinda sad that I dont have friends that make me laugh that hard..... :(

Its kinda weird....

no scratch that its TOTALLY weird being friends with someone you have a crush on. Its never happened in this order before you know. Usually I have no feelings for a guy friend and they slowly develop.....which I always thought was how the best relationships develop....from friendship you know..... But anyways back on topic. So yah, I've never had a crush on somebody and then that turned into friendship...... and its weird especially with them being okay with it...... you know..... Usually they're like *fuck off you're annoying* and that makes me extra extra sad. But this ones just ha-ha/I dont care lets party..... So it throws me off......no?

I'm such a silly girl sometimes

Such a stupid silly girl with such a stupid silly heart.

Confused

but not really....?
So I guess I'm semi-confused. Hahaha. Well.... I guess the cold turkey *kinda* worked. It worked in that I haven't snooped super crushes' FB page since he left. It didn't work in that I still call him super crush.
Anyways, Happy New Year !! Has anyone ever noticed how this blog varies between rant blog and stalker diary? I wonder which half you guys find more interesting.....Okay, well todays entry will be about super crush. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot call him anything else besides super crush, because everyone has come to know him by that name. Him being gone 10 days kinda did help though. I'm not crushing on him as insanely now. But still laugh hysterically after he calls me. Which he totally did! He called me on..... Wednesday to see if I wanted to go for wings with him and his friends again. And when I asked him *right now?!!* he said *yes, I'll come pick you up right now!* But I was in Clareview baking cookies so I did not go. I did however ask him what he was doing for NYE and said if he was going to Daves to give me a call before he went and maybe Id go. So then yah, end of phone call. I hang up and run and give Grace a big hug. Run and give my mom a big hug. And start laughing hysterically. Everyboddy obviously thinks I'm possessed. Yadda yadda, dont talk to him till NYE night. We are all at Vinyl, I've had a few drinks, am slightly red. Still no call from super crush.....So I finally suck it up and send him a msg asking if he's still going to Daves. He msgs me back saying he's already there....... D: D: D: So by that time it was like a bit after 1. And I'm debating if I should still cab it up there. Debating debating debating. Its pretty far north, so I'm thinking $30+? Is it worth it? Ah its just money I can make it back again..... but how desperate does that sound? Not desperate at all I know more than just one person there! I send super crush one final text asking whats the addy. To which he sends it to me. And finally at 1 30 I decide...........no I will not go. It really is kinda far, and $30 just to see a guy. And also, if he really was even the slightest bit intererested he woulda called me right. So yeaaaaah, I didn't go. Everyone called it quits at Vinyl around quarter to 2pm and I just walked home from there. Dont message him back and say instead, if he messages me back then maybe I'll do something..... and ......he messages me back! hahahahahah. Nothing special, he just tells me hes leaving the party now but theres still lots of people. PHEW! good thing I didn't decide to go otherwise I woulda spent 30 bucks on a cab and not even seen him!! Hahaha so then, I tell him *I decided to not go, since it was too far* and then I have a brainstorm and ask him if he wants to get something to eat with me!! I was lying in bed with my phone on my chest so I wouldn't fall asleep hahah so lame I know but I was so excited too. 5 mintues later he calls me and asks where do I want to go eat. *SUCCESS!!!!* hahaha I said "yay! I'm excited" and he laughed. So he comes DT and picks me up and we go to Denny's. Talk about random stuff, I laugh at him as he checks out other girls. And he is very NOT inconspicuous about it at all. Breakin my Heart, but I figure whatever we are just friends. He tells me Empire sucked cuz he couldn't get in and I laugh and say Vinyl was awesome, no wait or anything. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh yah, he didn't shave today, he actually looks.....mmm kinda debating on it still but I think he looks better not shaving for a few days. So then, we get the bill and pay Marylou and call it a day/night and he drives me home. I'm getting out of the car and say bye/thanks and he says to me......he says to me......*nice outfit tonight* I have no idea why but i totally didn't register it as a compliment till this morning. Agh. I'm so dumb...... but so Yeah, now that its registered..... It makes me wonder a teense. A TEENSE.