What do I do

What do I do?

What do I do.....

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder why no one ever came back for me

It's because they don't see your worth, is what I'm told.

The problem with that is, when I think of it from the other side, maybe it means I have no worth.

I always think about how fate works.  What are the chances that I would have bumped into both of my brothers and the UPS man that day years ago.  That I happened to get off the train at that exact time, take that exact specific route to my gramma's and for UPS man to have left his thing at that exact same time for us to cross paths.

3 things happened yesterday that I just thought were bizarre (probably mostly me looking for signs, undoubtedly).

The first day where I spent the quarters from my lucky red envelopes from work.

That I was wondering if B ever saw me walking or thought about me and then to have him stop exactly for me at the crosswalk.

The last red bead fell off the anklet I made when I was sad as I lay in bed yesterday.

It means good bye right?

The crosswalk

My funeral home colleagues got me a dozen lucky red envelopes filled with quarters for my last day of work.  I've been saving up the quarters to spend on a chocolate bar or something if I've had a bad day.  Not that I had a really bad day today, but I bought a chocolate using the lucky quarters.  I walked around ECC a bit with J and then started walking home a little bit after 5pm.  As usual I thought a little bit about B.  He even popped into my dreams twice in the last couple weeks. (lucky me) Anyways, I decided to take the usual route home instead of the longer way and was walking down 100 ave when I turned and stopped at the crosswalk to cross.  I watched one car zoom past me and wasn't sure if the car behind it was going to stop or not. It slowed down and so I started to cross.

But then.... I realized it was a black Jeep that had stopped for me......

I looked back up at the driver.

It was B

I actually wasn't sure if it was him or not at first.  I did a double take and stared probably a bit longer than I should have. He nodded at me and that's when I knew.

I think I smiled a little and gave a little wave, then looked down and kept walking.


I thought maybe he would message me when I got home and got a little anxious.  But he didn't, and then I started to do what my brain does best and over thought.  He just nodded at me. Both his hands were on the steering wheel and I kinda thought he would have waved.  So then it just felt like he nodded as an acknowledgement and not to wave Hi.

And so I came to the conclusion that he's mad at me and the last things I said to him.

To be honest, I think I did exactly what I thought I would do when I finally bumped into him again.  We live withing 7 blocks of each other, it was bound to happen.  Wave and drop my gaze.

Maybe it's my goal to become strangers again.

I don't know.  But the first thought that came to my head after I finished crossing was How do I look and I wish I put on lipstick.