Lost

I feel really lost.

Pretty unsure.

If you want something in your life, go and get it

But also

If it's meant to be, it will come back

I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.

Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....

I paid a lot of attention to him.

I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.

I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,

I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.

Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.

I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.

Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.

Or really. I am just fucking crazy.

Drowning

If I had to give an analogy about what the year I broke up with Dave felt like, I suppose it would go something like this:

Imagine...... imagine you and your significant other are on a cruise. A beautiful, gorgeous relaxing most wonderful cruise. You are just simply enamored with each other.....holding hands and walking on the deck. Standing near the guardrails looking at the beautiful cerulean waves. He looks at you and smiles.

Let's jump in?

You can't....you don't know how to swim, you tell him.

Don't worry, he assures you. I'll always be here.

And so...... you hold onto his hand and jump into the uncertainty below. You're immediately engulfed underwater but you see him in front of you. Smiling. Time seems to slow down and the bubbles surround you. You feel happy, and calm holding his hand. And safe.

And then you both slowly start to surface, still holding his hand tightly.

But then.

When you emerge from the water, you feel him let go of your hand and he swims confidently and surely away.

Never looking back.

Even your family onboard the cruise ship walks away as you cry for their help.

And you're left alone and terrified in the vast ocean as you slowly drown.



And that is how I had to learn to swim......that is how I learned to never trust anyone.

I'm fine

If I tell you I'm not doing okay, don't believe me.

I'm lying.

I'm just being dramatic and want attention.

I'm fine. I'm alright. Stop pretending you're not okay, because you are.

We're just friends.

Well.

Maybe not even anymore.

I couldn't take the pretending anymore so I just told him I liked him.

To sum it up. He didn't know what to say and kept pretending/trying to talk to me like nothing had happened which made it really really really hard on me. He even got mad at me for not talking to him.

And so, right before New Years Eve I just said to him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was in a lot of pain.

And he hasn't talked to me since.

I keep telling myself he's just super selfish and contradicted everything he said about me. He's probably still dating the 22 year old, going out partying every week, and doesn't care. I keep telling myself a lot of things to feel better. That he never really paid attention to little details about me anyways. That I cared a lot more than I should have for him.

It's not so bad. I'm not as sad as when I lost Dave and it's a lot easier this time around. Most likely because we never actually dated.

I just pretended.