So.

I think I'm not supposed to ask UPS Man out.

I keep trying and trying and trying and I just feel like something is preventing me.

Ever since.... I don't even know when, the one day where I suddenly realized I liked him is the day it all started going downhill.

I've been trying for the last 2 months to ask him out. He had asked me out for coffee previously a couple times, and my coworkers always say he's flirting with me. In June, right after I got back from Vancouver is when shit started going down. That day after he gave me candy at the bus stop, I decided I was going to ask him to The Works Festival. And of course, the following 3 days he never came to drop off parcels. 2 weeks went by and other UPS guys started coming in. I'm under the assumption he went on vacation with his kids.
Strike 1.

He finally came back and I saw him once.
The next week I decided, I was going to ask him to go to K-Days. K-Days lasts for 10 days, he normally comes 3 times a week. I've got great chances right?
Wrong.
10 days went by and not only did I not see UPS Man, I never even saw the shadow of a van.
I felt super sad last Friday.
Strike 2.

K-Days is over and a couple of my friends are still telling me to go for it. Ask him to Heritage Days, they said.
Oh I will. Just you see.
So. He came on Monday.
The catch?
I didn't work on Monday. Because I covered for someone on Sunday. 

Today, I saw a jewelry order shipping notice come in and knew that UPS would deliver it today or tomorrow. All day my GM was asking me if the jewelry came in. "I expressed it so it should be here ASAP!!" 

3pm rolls by and I hear the screech and breaks of the UPS van. I actually panicked for a brief couple seconds. 

This is it. What are you gonna say to him? The same shit you've been talking to yourself about every single day? 

Whatever just wing it and see what happens.

I look up and see an untucked uniform. 

It's a different UPS man. 

I wanted to laugh but I wanted to cry even more. I told a bunch of friends and they laughed and thought it was funny. I thought I was going to cry again. 

I keep trying to persuade myself that it's a coincidence, a coincidence. Every new week I say I'll try again. And again. And again. 

I think I need to accept that I'm not meant to ask UPS Man out. 

I think I'll end up hurting again because I already do and I have no idea of the type of person he is.

I really, truly, genuinely wish I didn't turn into such a pathetic person as soon as I like someone. 

Super super bummed guys.

It's Friday and guess what. No UPS man.
He normally comes like 3 times a week to deliver things. And of course the week I decide to ask him out again is the week he doesn't come at all.

It's not fun at all.

I feel like crying. Who thinks this is funny doesn't really how shitty this makes me feel. It took me a long long long time to get over Dave. A long time and I almost killed myself. Almost over dosed on sleeping pills. Then you sent Ponyboy to me to fuck things up even more. Sent me a fucking fuckboy to help me get better. Then you sent me Weird Awkward Guy. WAG who fucked with my head so hard I relapsed and had a break down at work.

This isn't fun.

I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want someone to spend time with. But not take over my life.
But I know the only person I should rely on to keep me happy is myself and when I'm dating I turn into an idiot

This makes me so very sad.

What the Mint Chocolate Chip

This is just the most frustrating thing ever.

Every time something comes up that I think about asking UPS man to, HE STOPS COMING IN.

I dunno what to do guys. It's getting stupid. I'm getting stupid.
Seriously what the fuck. It's just super annoying because it just feels like someone is messing with me. All the fucking time.

Is someone trying to tell me something? Is asking UPS man out going to ruin my life? Jesus Christ, if so just fucking say so and stop fucking with my head like this.

A million sign seem to be telling me don't do this, C. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

I just wanna go to K-days with a cute boy. What's wrong with letting me have that.

Lack of Sympathy?

Studiomate and I got into a deep argument yesterday over Fashion World Politics.

She said I don't understand and I think she doesn't see what I see.

It's deep.

I can't tell if I'm being naïve and thinking I'm innocent because I'm not involved in the Edmonton Fashion Industry the way she is. I like doing small markets and being friendly and only having to worry about one design at a time. I don't have to worry about collections or schedules or stepping on peoples toes.

Recently a friend of G's moved back to Edmonton from London. And since then shes 'opened her eyes' about how wrong Edmonton's take on Local Fashion is. Consignment only and high consignment rates. Designers are basically being gouged. And that I believe is true, and why I don't want to sell at stores anymore. But G and I are walking down 2 different paths. She's a name in the Edmonton Fashion Scene, she knows Important People, she's looking at fashion from an Industry perspective. I don't. So I think we don't see eye to eye on certain things in this aspect.

Since London moved back to Edmonton, I've been non-stop hearing G complain about how this is wrong and that is wrong and Designers are being screwed. Bev this and Bev that. This is how its done in London and so on and so on.
I want to say. We are not in Fucking London. And I don't know if that is the wrong take on this.
G has been going on and on and on about how things have to change in the Edmonton Fashion Scene... and yet.... She isn't willing to change....

So. Couple weeks ago G got approached by a clothing store in Edmonton to partake in a charity auction event. Designers are to proved the clothing store 2 dresses. 1 for a Local Celebrity to wear and be bid on. The highest bidder then wins the 2nd dress made to their size, as well as a pop up shop day at the clothing store. It's actually a ridiculous prize if you think about it. The designer really has nothing to gain and the clothing store gets positive press, and commission from the sales of the pop up shop, while the designer loses 2 garments, time and money. I thought that was BS. Yes. We agreed on that.

But somehow G got suckered into doing it. After much persuasion she finally said okay and decided to donate 2 dresses from several seasons ago. 2 dresses that have been sitting here not moving. And now I've been hearing her huff and puff about it. London was also asked to partake in this event and sent an email to the clothing store organizers asked 'Just exactly what do the designers get from this event? We lose money on giving away not one but two free garments, so how is this beneficial to us?" The answer was, you get lots of press, and important people will be seen wearing your designs.
G was talking to London on speaker phone on Monday and they both laughed. 'Wooooo, who's going to be there? The Metro Paper?!! lololol" And... I just.... what do you expect. I didn't understand why they thought press was nothing. I mean, it certainly isn't a gold medal prize but that paper gets around just as much as the EJ. And then the next shock came to me. The clothing store contacted G and told her that the mayor's wife called in and requested to wear G's design. Whoa. That's pretty big and cool and Awesome. But then, while G and London were talking, G kept saying how she didn't think London should do the event and back out, and she wished more people would back out. London said G should back out too, but G's answer was 'If it was anyone else but the mayor's wife, I would back out in a heart beat'.
I was really surprised.

She was copping out.

Telling people not to do the event, not to do the event, not to do the event. But oh no wait, I'm going to do the event.

She is hands down currently London's biggest supporter, but from someone else's perspective it would seem quite the opposite. I don't think she has once, during this entire event let the clothing store know of her displeasure, or sent an email back agreeing with what London had to say. She kept her mouth quite and out of the battle.

Her argument to me was You Don't Understand.

If I back out I'm going to slap all these people in the faces. This clothing store has been there for me and helped me out. They are important people. Me backing out would be the equivalent of saying FUCK YOU to them. I would never be able to show my face in the Edmonton's Fashion Scene again.
You Don't Understand

I thought about this all night yesterday. And I can't tell what is the right thing to do.

G is always talking about a movement to change the fashion industry here in Edmonton. But the way I see it, she has never been willing to make a move herself. Never voicing her opinion aloud or to anyone else but me and London.

It takes one person to start a movement.You shouldn't complain if you aren't willing to do something yourself.