so overwhelmed

So. I'm not sure why I like sending you these but, I'm so overwhelmed right now.
I'm tired all the time, and I feel like I have so many things to do but dont have time to do them. I came home today after work and I started to get so frustrated because I started to clean up some clutter around the condo, and I just... everywhere I looked I wanted to cry. My brother makes me so angry sometimes. I've told him, there is food in the fridge heat it up. Does he? No. He'll order pizza and we have pizza boxes/take out piling up on the counter. Grandparents ask him to go over and pick up food/soup. He'll bring it home, but is too lazy to heat it up so it just stockpiles up in the fridge. There are probably 4 pails of soup in there right now. Huge pile of dishes in the sink. I've told him, sort out the junk mail downstairs dont bring it up here. Does he? No. He'll bring everything up here and put it on the shoerack till it piles up. I went through it just now and theres Bank/Insurance/Whatever letters in there for him from January! I sorted out all his letters from the junk mail and pushed them over to him to file or whatever. He got up. Left them on the floor. And went to bed. I just sat on the floor and cried. Its such small stuff, but like, why am I the one that has to do it. Aaaaaaaaall his bottles pile up on the countertop until I sort them and put them in bags, and then the bags will pile up until I tell him 'lets do the bottles'. I just feel like everybody expects so much of me. Grandparents dont bother to ask either of my brothers to.... bring them milk/eggs/take them to the doctors/anything because they are 'too busy'. So they just call me now, because if I dont do it no one will. When my parents come out to visit, my mom always pulls me aside and asks me 'is it a bother when we come out to see you guys? we miss you lots but it seems we are in your way everytime we visit?' And it breaks my heart everytime, But she never tells my brothers so I'm the only one who feels guilt ontop of guilt. I can tell my brothers everything, but at the same time I cant tell them anything because..... I dont think it really matters. Last week, I tried telling them about how upset I was with Michael. How, he's been calling me non-stop and his mom and how I'm trying to cut them outta my life. And I was saying how it was so hard because I've never had to do that before. And he just kept saying 'have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him?' I just couldn't explain enough how I've been trying to tell him for the past 6 months that hes been bothering me. And I tried to explain how Michael would always guilt me into feeling bad. I tried to tell my brothers how he told me the doctors put him on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and stuff and how.... I didn't know whether or not he was lying and whether or not I should be worried or angry or whatever, but... I got half the sentence out and then my brother stood up and turned to my grandparents and started asking them if wanted more tea like he wasn't even listening. And .......so in the end I just didn't tell anybody.
Did I mention I'm worried I'm not going to get my dresses done in time for the competition this Friday? Did I mention I'm worried my fabric isn't going to come in in time? Did I mention all I really really want is to just tell someone all these things, but am scared to?.......

Fantasizing about kisses

Hahaha yup, I was reading an article on google and just thought about how long its been...... :(

I'm not to sure what to write about in here today....... Just feel like its been a really long time. I didn't tell this story to anybody because I thought it was just me being a schoolgirl, so I'm just gonna put it on here. On monday Michael called me and I was kinda upset about what happened on CNY and his msg to me about drinking by himself again yadda yadda yadda. I didn't want to talk to him so I didn't answer his call. He calls again on Tuesday a few times. I was kinda getting annoyed. Aaaaaand of course the first thing that happens is I think to ask super crush what he thinks. I go online and hes online. Then I get the doubts and logoff quickly before I do something stupid. maybe like 45 minutes pass and Michael calls me again! I dont pick up and I say to myself *If Brendan is online I will ask him, if he is not, then so be it I'll call it quits* Obviously I go online, and hes not online. Ha-ha. Figures. So I sigh and say 'its a sign'........ Two minutes later I get a text msg from him....... yup. hhahah it really is a sign!!! Hahahaha yeah i know i know, I'm such a loser. Anyways he was just asking everyone for wings, and then I ask him about his exes and if hes ever had problems with them..... Long story short he eventually calls me and we talk for a bit and he tells me I really need to stop talking to Michael and his mom as they are causing more grief for me and I'm already emo enough. (yup, he said I was emo !) Hahaha.... :(

And THEN, I think that I'm turning into someones super crush...... no joke. I've been talking to Dave a lot lately and I *think* he is having a crush on me..... but I could be wrong. I've been going out to some clubs with him lately. sometimes I worry I'm leading the guy on but I dont know what I'm doing I swear!! I dont think I'm attracted to him, but I like that hes really funny. I actually like that all Brendan and Dave's friends are funny. But I gotta be careful about unintentionally hitting on him...... as I think I might be doing...... Le Sigh, why can't it be the other way around :( :( :(

Happy Chinese New Year !

恭喜发财，新年快乐，心想事情。

Mmmm yup, Happy Chinese New Years sports fans. I know its been a tiny while since I've written here. But just wanted to give a quick update. Am still single..... Hahaha that is all. But yah, my mom told me this year is supposed to be a really bad year for us Oxen. Normally that wouldn't worry me except she actually pullled me aside to point out my horoscope and specifically pointed to the part on Love. But either or. Love, Finance and Life in general seem to be taking a nose dive D:

Not like I really really believe it but yah. Anyways today we went to (our last?) CNY Banquet. It was probably the least entertaining one that we've ever gone too. I asked Brendan to come but..... long story short he did not. I was kinda sad, but whatever, friends over crush right. And then, mid way through dinner he calls me and says they are all going to Vinyl and I should meet up with them later, so I say okay depends what time we finish at Mirama. Dave texts me the same thing. I'm talking to Dave throughout the banquet. And it sounds like the rest of my gang is game for going to Vinyl as well. I'm pretty pumped! Tralala dinner finishes and we all agree to head over to Vinyl. We go to Tara's place to drop off some stuff, and F-ing everybody starts to bail. One person says they dont wanna go, so then the other person says, OH if your not going then I dont wanna go. Which results in, OH. WELL if so and so isn't going then I dont wanna go either. So.... other long story short, originally 6 girls were gonna come. Then nobody. I was so pissed off. I just ended up saying to Tara just us were gonna go. So we did. And as we're leaving the house Dave txts me and says Vinyl is packed and they are just going to Red Star for drinks then Buffalo after. I am confused and call Dave, who doesn't answer. So I call Brendan and as him where he is and he says *I'm in the club where do you think I am* and hangs up..... Was SUPER pissed at that. So then Dave calls me back and tells me to go to Red Star which me and Tara go to. Right before we go inside Brendan calls me back and is cussing up a storm to me about how wherever he is is F-ing awesome and how no one can make up their F-ing minds. And really. I JUST got there and didn't know what the fuck was going on either so I didn't understand why he was complaining to me. So i just say to him *stop yelling at me please, stop yelling at me stop yelling at me* and then he just hangs up again..... Yeah needless to say I was pretty upset. Jerk. :( :( :(
But ANYWWAYS, we actually ended up having a pretty good time. Met some of Dave's other friends who are all equally HILARIOUS. Fuck I laughed so hard after Buffalo. aaaaah Blue Waffle..... *sigh* I'm kinda sad that I dont have friends that make me laugh that hard..... :(