poooooo :(

someone likes messing around with me don't they?

sigh. such a bittersweet week last few days i have been having. Remember super crush? Of course you do, all my entries for the past few months have been about super crush. Well anyways, remember how I was saying hes never 'initated contact'? Yeah, it was always me starting up the conversations. Everyone at KW was saying 'i dont think he's interested.....' and I probably knew they were telling the truth, but I still have a pretty big crush on him. So anyways I kinda just let it be, I msg him every so often to chat nothing serious. But, while I was in Vancouver, he msged me randomly on FB. Just random conversation, and I decided to ask him/see if he wanted to come to KY's staff party. Hahaha obviously he couldn't come because he had other plans already. So yeah can't say I didn't try right! Yadda yadda, fast forward a few days. I'm at C's checking my email and....what the... theres an email from super crush..... and....he asked me to come hang out with his friends at a party...... hahahah you guys have no idea how pleased I was when I read that email. I screamed and called I over ro read it and then gave her a hug, I was so happy. Hahaha I sound so lame right now I know but really it was the LAST thing I was expecting. but anyways, since I was out of town I coudln't make it either..... *sigh* .......*siiiiiiiiiigh* Such bad timing D:
So anyways, fastforward few more days. Im back in town now and I'm talking to super crush on FB and he says hes gonna call cuz hes too lazy to type. (I suppose whenever we talk on the phone hes always the one that calls me......) so then we're talking he asks me how POF is, I say same ol same ol. (not interested if hes asking me that right?) Anyways, I still like talking to him just cuz he does lots of talking.....tells me stories that make me laugh... hahaha..... well that night we talked till like 2am about random stuff, and hes got class tmo I feel happy that he stayed up to chat. Anyways nothing serious as usual. He says bye, I say bye, we hang up.
Now, TODAY. I am at KY just starting my shift. It is supah slow so I go to check my phone and super crush has texted me! Just a random funny story. I laugh, and msg him back. So its kinda back and fourth texting. I'm cashing out and he sends me *if I dont reply its because my phone died* and I reply *hahah np. I'm heading home now so if I dont reply its because I am getting mugged* (testing to see what he'll say) He says *I'm at the library right now if you want a ride? holy shit! hahahah i was hoping hed ask but I didnt think he would!! So then I kinda hint at yes, and then I start walking to campus. I ask where he wants to meet, but..... he doesnt' reply..... I wait a bit, then walk to the library but its already closed....... yeah figures right. I have the worst luck. His phone probably died and he just went home. So, I just head to the lrt and take the train home, feeling kinda sad. I get home, have some dinner. 10 minutes later he calls me saying *it sure is taking you a long time to get here?* and i'm like *.........ohno......i'm home already......* and then he says oh okay thats fine. bye *hangs up* Oh my god, I felt so bad. I just assumed, with the luck that I have theres no way a guys gonna wait for me hes just gonna call it a day and go home right? But of course not, its gotta go the exact opposite of what I think. Fuuuuuuuuck. I thought he was so angry because he waited for so long. *sob sob sob sob* Why do I have SUCH bad luck? D: D: D: Anyways, I sent him a msg later apologizing but he told me not to worry about it and he said he was more worried than angry, so that made me feel better. Ha-ha...... *sigh* I cant believe I stood super crush up........

Said the bumble bee to the porcupine

Hey. I actually felt really good today. Like a small amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders or something, even though nothing really happened. Well I suppose nothing "productive" happened. Someone up and called me out of the blue yesterday and talked for a little bit. He asked about my FB status which I was kinda surprised about. Haha, anways, apparently he was having some slight relationship problems so he wanted to hear about someone else's problems for a change. (He really only ended up telling me about his problem but whatever)

Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the face

Hi Sports Fans!

Anyways, so I've been semi worrying lately that I need a fourth job......I feel like I'm not working enough/ making enough money. My 2 jobs at KW & KY combined dont even give me full time hours so I worry about how am I supposed to pay for rent, pay for my studio, pay for groceries, pay for supplies and fabric etc etc. I mean, how is it now that I'm needing a job to pay for whats supposed to be my job for the rest of my life? I worry if I'm on the right path or not and if I'm wasting my time chasing a design career. I always always believed that as long as I could wake up happy and wanting to go to work it woudn't matter how much I was making. Sanity is much more important than wealth.....or so I believed. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes realizing that I've spent 6+ years in school and I'm still waitressing. (and I'm not even happy there....) My nursing friends sometimes make more in a week than I do in a month and I wonder if 1/2/5 years from now I'll still be okay with that......
I mean, when I have time to design/draft/sew I love it, but I wonder if I'm capable of making a living do it......Did I waste another year in school chasing another fairy tale dream?....And The real sad thing is, the second I started having these thoughts I immediately thought about going back to school. I didn't even wanna attempt to see if I could do it.....I just looked for the next escape. I'm so scared of failure sometimes it makes me wanna vomit. Blaaaaaaah......

I know I know I just worry too much about other people and what pthey think, I should focus on what I want yadda yadda. But just in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, sometimes your mind gets the best of you......


Does that make sense? I feel like it kinda doesn't but yeah....

Anyways I gotta go to bed now. I somehow managed to rack it up to 4am again. *sob sob*

I feel very sad today

...yes I do. I woke up super early to get the keys for the new studio. Shoulda been so pumped. I sewed for an hour after then came home and slept for a couple. Just woke up and I totally recognize this feeling. The one I hate to have. I just....my mind is really clear right now, but my chest.....my heart feels really sad. I dunno. I dunno. I'm really tired, and I really really REALLY dont want to go to work today. I dont feel like being very social, and I kinda just wanna stay at the studio and sew. Ugh. I suppose I knew this one was coming. Having to much of an up period means it was bound to come down. So lonely sometimes. I guess .... yeah I'm pretty lonely. Meeting too many new people has its ups and downs. The downs being when your feelings aren't returned. I just want someone to hold my hand and give me a hug every once in a while is that too much to ask?