Bring on the Depression Baby

So, its been almost exactly 20 days since coming back to Etown, and within those 20 days i have already succeeded in crying so hard that i resorted to cutting myself to make it stop.
Dear God, I don't know why I do what I do, but if you could make me stop, please do..... soon. I really should've wrote this entry earlier because I've been holding this in for a really really long time now. I've hated coming back to Edmonton. I know I'm contradicting what I said like 6 entries ago but, I realize now. The first day when i was in Shanghai, I cried because I felt really isolated and I didn't know anyone. But once I got to HZ i realized that everyone else was basically on the same page as me. Everyone was far away from home, and everyone was basically living on their own by themselves w/o family and out of their comfort zone. For possibly the first time in a long long time i felt on par w/ everyone else. I wasn't constantly reminded that i live in a household where my pain is ignored and i'm treated like i'm invisible. For 60 days I lived with the same 21 students. I got up w/ them, went 2 class with them, went shopping with them and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I really hate being by myself because I can't do anything but think of what a disgrace I am. In HZ all that seemed to dissappear. I slept well, ate well and I laughed well. I was really sad when everyone went there seperate ways in Beijing and then I got really nervous about going to HK by myself. I hadn't seen my uncles in like.... 10 years and I was worried how we'd interact. But.... they really surprised me, the treated me just like a normal family member. And like.... they helped me with so much stuff. They carried all my luggage and bags and ANYTHING that i was holding at the time. fuck, in Edmonton I carry my own shit no matter how heavy it is. I just wasn't used to all this friendly help. And when it came time to leave HK i really REALLY didn't want to leave my uncles behind. People seriously NEVER help me and i was fine w/ it. Until I got back to edmonton. Like it wasn't even a gradual adjustment. First MINTUE i got back into Edmonton I was bombarded with my *loving family*. No one was at the airport to pick me up. No one could make it. I had to take a bus back home. And like I really should've been fine with that, but it turns out I wasn't. It was just too much of a drastic change. 2 months of being normal and okay and helped out, and then bam, an hour later your back to on your own again. I come home and NOTHING has changed. nobody asked me how was my trip, or said they missed me or acknowledged my existence. It was pretty hard. Everyone I knew was glad to be finally going *home*...except me. I didn't really have anything at home to look forward to....

Yeah, yeah me like that

....Sooo this is the 2nd time I've had to write this entry, because I somehow clicked a button and my post got lost. And the stupid auto save, saved right after my post was gone so it saved an empty post.... gotdamn.

But anyways. Isn't this picture beautiful??? Its a street in Hangzhou (aka HZ)... It woulda been more beautiful if that lady in the bottom left hand corner wasn't looking into the depths of my camera.... that dirty lady. But yeah.... oh HZ, i'm gonna miss you too.

But anyums. Today is Monday.... got a long ways to go till Saturday.... whats so special about saturday?? haha oh nothing.... tee hee. Hahaha. A bunch of ppl from the zhejiang group are going clubbing on saturday for T's b-day... and oh... someone might be there. hahahah i'm becoming obsessive aren't i? hahah Whaaat i've done worse before. Hmm... what else did i mention in that blog entry. Oh i remember i mentioned that when i was in HK i got my palm read. Hahaha. i love that crap. It said that.... this year i had a good school year (which i did, 3 A's baby!!) but this coming school year is gonna be a struggle (say WHAAA??) and also my immediate family is also supposed 2 get some sicknesses... oh dear. I'm also supposed 2 start having problems w/ my stomache... which is bad since i already DO have problems w/ my stomache. Um.... i think i'm missing one part.... minus the part about my love life... hahah i'll keep that to myself for now. mwa hahaa.

Um... starting work 2morrow, which is tuesday. Hopefully work will make the week go faster... why? i do not know. After all i only have one month left before... GASP classes start again.... *sigh*. Oh saturday.... i dont want to set my hopes up to high for saturday just in case all does NOT go well... but yeah i get to see my mutual coffee friend again. hahah i have to find him a shorter nickname. Welp this post looks to be about the same length that it originally was so i'll wrap it up. Lets hope that i dont delete it again!

Hohohoh

Thats all i can manage for my entry title today folks. words have left my mind. hahah. I went for a.... mutual coffee date today. Tee hee. It actually went quite well I'll say. I actually didn't have to call iris before hand and set up a fall back plan. Le sigh, where to start where to start. So, whilest in China i made like 21 new friends. haha some are mutual *hi* friends, and others are closer *gossip* friends, and then theres one friend that i never saw coming. Theres always guys that i think are goodlooking, and i like them a lot upon first meeting. But then after getting to know them for a while i start to pick up little quirks that i find annoying. This happened in china, and by the end of the 2 months all of the guys just turned into normal mutual friends. *except* for one guy. The opposite actually happened. I thought he was okay looking in the beginning, and then over time i just started liking his personality. And his quirky laugh, haha its so loud. And it was actually on again off again liking. Cuz i didn't think me and him would get along. *Until* the very last night in Beijing. One of the main things that he did that was the real kicker was that he kinda watched out for me.... yeah, i mentioned in a previous post that id like to meet a guy who would watch out for me/ stand up for me if i got in trouble. And at the club this guy smashed a bottle right behind me and it looked liek a fight was gonna break out, and my friend just stood up and stood in front of me to make sure i didn't get injured.... (swoon) hahaha. Can't see J doing that for me. And then we ended up dancing together pretty much all night. And then the next day he left for Canada.... sigh. I thought i'd never see him again. hahah UNTIL i got to BC and discovered that he somehow got my email addy, and sent me a msg asking me out for coffee!! (mutual drink people, mutual drink) Hahaha, anyways we went out for coffee today. It was much MUCH better than my blind date w/ cement man. Aaaah hes such a gentleman, haha he opened all the doors for me!! I've NEVER had someone do that for me, so yeah it was kinda akward... but sweet. tee hee. Um... some random things to mention, when i was talking w/ 4th uncle in HK i was telling him why i didn't go for a guy like J, and i mentioned something like. *one of the most important things i look for in a guy is manners*.... ironically look what i stumbled upon... hohoh. But yeah, it was just a mutual coffee w/ a friend.... i think. I like him though, hahah i dunno if he likes me..... sigh, why can't i read minds?!????

day one back in edmonton

Hey freaky-cakes,
how's my fellow non-existant viewers been? As titled its my first official morning back in Edmonton. And i guess maybe i am still jet lagged. Especially seeing as its 9 20AM and i've already done 2 loads of laundry. If this were normal C-dawg i'd still be in bed dreaming i've finished my landry. but anyums. i guess it feels good to be home.... i guess.... China was nice. It was *a LOT* more fun than i was expecting. The first 2 days in Shanghai weren't a great start, I actually cried on the bus.... haha i'm a pussy. But i was really sad that none of my friends were there and i didn't really know anyone. But it got a lot better in Hangzhou. Oh HZ i'm actually gonna miss you. It was really nice living in such close proximity with those 22 guys. Having to live in the same building, go to the same classroom, do the same stuff for 2 months really makes those guys grow on you. I woulda liked it a lot more if Iris or Cathy or another close friend was on the trip too, but ah, i dont have any regrets about going. yeaaaah. hahaha. I'm actually pretty close to unpacking everything. Theres only a few odds and ends lying around on the floor, but aside from that my 2months worth of purchases are almost completely put away. yeaaaaah. i basically horded up on socks, and swarovski beads, and (typically) shoes. hahah i didn't actually buy that many shoes. I chose my shoes very carefully, i'm not a horder like Tiff. haha
Um... HK was equally as fun. I was actually sad to leave. I was really worried that I wouldn't know what to say to my gramma and my uncles, but my uncles are the greatest. hahah. One of the first questions they asked me was *so ming-ming......do you have a boyfriend :D* hahaha. I'm surprised i didn't gain 50 pounds w/ my 6 meals a day. Basically every day for a week. I'd wake up at 10AM, and i'd have breakfast w/ my gramma. then my 3rd uncle would get off work, and he'd take me out shopping for a bit, then i would eat lunch w/ him at 12. Then at 2pm, my 4th uncle would get off work, and i would go and have lunch w/ him. and THEN at 4pm, my 5th uncle would get off work....and i would have lunch with him. Then finally, we'd have supper around 7ish.... dear lord. the food the food. hahaha. Anyums i'm gonna go and check up on my laundry before taking a nap. hahah oh naps, how i missed you.

Yo dawgs first post back in Canada

Whooo-wee its been a super long time hasn't it? Oh how i've missed you blog. *smack* This is gonna be a quick quick post because i haven't sleep in like 30+ hours. and am kinda suffering from jet lag. But china was pretty decent. I had a bad start and 2 bad days near the end but all in all it was pretty decent. I'm glad i went. I had a good time in Hangzhou and i had a good time in Hong Kong, and.... i had a good night in Beijing too... tee hee. Hahaha. okay thats all i'm gonna put for now, I'll have some recaps later when i get back into edmonton alrighty.