Sadness and Sorrow

It sucks being lonely you know. One of these days I hope to go to a psychiatrist and have them diagnose me with some time of accute mental disorder, then hopefully I'll make more sense. Cause seriously sometimes I think way to much for my own good. I think its just the Edmonton air, I never used to think this much in high school....or maybe its just growing up....I hate growing up. When i was 6 i didn't worry about not having a boyfriend, when i was 12 i didn't worry about not having a boyfriend, when i was 17 i didn't really worry about not having a boyfriend. Now that i'm 19 i'm worried about not having a boyfriend. When your single it just seems that the world likes rubbing it in your face, and couples come prancing around in your face holding hands, kissing and eating each others faces like theres no tomorrow. Another thing i hate is memories, iknow iknow i have a lot of good memories with friends....or at least i used to think so....not really anymore, I can't seem to make it a day without thinking of some stupid embarssing situation i've put myself in and when i start to think of something from the past i pinch myself and tell myself to think of something else. Guys leave terrible TERRIBLE impressions on me. I'm starting to think that all guys are assholes. There was only one guy i knew in elementary that i liked and i'm pretty sure that for some godforsaken reason he had liked me too....but....she thought that he was useless and woudln't even think of him as a chance. I'm sorry that I didn't stand up to her, and i really really regret never getting to know you. My life is so full of regrets, that i seriously wonder every single day how it would be different if I had done something different instead. Fate is always a couple days off. What would have happened between me and you if i did come over that night? would you have become more than just a memory, would this hole in my heart be gone....would the sound of your name no longer bring pain and hatred? I dont know, but i really wish you'd come back just for one day, where me and you could sort things out and perhaps bid our final goodbyes properly rather than your abrupt disappearnce from my life. Whats really really sad, i think is that you probably dont even remember me, whereas i had at one time fell for you because you treated me differently than everyone else and saw through my shell....or at least i thought you did. The last few times i spoke with you, you seemed like a completely different person. I guess i hate admiting it and dont think i can, but i dont think you really knew me at all. You're just a player and no matter how hard she defends you thats the word that i associate with you now. i have to forget about you.But at the same time one day, even if its after i die, i'd like to meet you. I'd give you the sad smile that i've developed and I'd tell you what you put me through. Would things have been different if i was prettier....perhaps skinnier? One thing i know, is that the friend that isnt one any more was both and her life? Picture perfect, and if it isn't you're sure putting on a good act. I miss being a kid. One of these days if I go to far I just plan on freaking out and have my family admit me to a mental institute....(even if i do end up faking it but at least i can be myself)