Part II

 I don't even know if I should be writing this post.

So B came over on Saturday night, the day before my date.  And I think he hit on me.  Actually I think he very strongly hit on me.

I don't know.  I remember being really scared and confused....

So. On Saturday a few days after I had asked him, B asked if I was free to hang out that night and he could bring his doggo over.  I actually was relieved he asked for Saturday instead of Sunday, aka date night, and said yes.

He drove over to my place and really, it wasn't that weird when we first met.  He came out of his truck and we just walked over to the dog park and chatted and caught up.  I was really thankful it wasn't forced and awkward.  I even tell B, that I have a date tomorrow, and I was kind of excited!!  An hourish later we start heading back to my place and then B suggests to get dinner and I said we can just eat at my place since he had his doggo and we do.  As usual B is also high as a kite, but also this is very normal behaviour.

After dinner he's like, so do you want me to leave, do you have plans or?  And I wanted to talk to my date but I hadn't seen B in so long too I was like ah we can just talk and catch up.  We do catch up quite a bit talking about old friends and new friends and then some time later B says to me:

So you know that I hit on you and you turned me down right?  And that's why I didn't understand why you said what you said.

And I was like WHAT? No I think you are confusing me with someone else.... I have no recollection of this....  

And he's like No, it was you, I remember it was at your old condo and we were sitting on the couch and I moved in and you were like Uh what are you doing, and I was super high and like, Okay yup, friendzoned, and I just never did anything again.

I really don't have any recollection of this and I just laughed but was in a little bit of shock.  WHAT....

Anyways I try to play this off because like... A. He has a LT girlfriend; B. I'm going on a date tomorrow; C. Its been like 5+ years.

I just change the subject and eventually B is like lets just watch a movie, and I'm like, I do not have the mental capacity to watch a movie right now, but he chooses one anyways.  It actually was quite clever he chose a movie that he liked but had also watched before so he could just summarize it for me because he knew I wouldn't be paying attention.  It was The Day After Tomorrow. 

1/4 way through the movie he goes:

You really don't remember me hitting on you?

And I have to stop and think because it is making a little nervous.  Um.... maybe.... I maybe remember the scenario now but I don't think I knew what you were doing, that's why I asked what you were doing.  I'm really oblivious, B....

And then he brought up the last thing I had said to him 5 years ago and was like 'You kind of wrote a love note to me....'

And now I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this right now B, I was in a lot of pain.

And we go back to the movie.

About 3/4 into the movie...

B gets up and sits very, very close to me and puts his arm around me, pulls me in a little and leans in extremely, extremely close.

Do you understand what I am doing now?

And I full out start panicking.  I cannot look at him, I cannot think, I don't know what is going on, I was so scared and so confused.  I just covered my face.

I don't know B, I don't know. I think at the time I really did just think you were my friend and I didn't understand what was going on.  But as time passed and we hung out more I started to like you more and more and more, and eventually I just needed to leave because it was making me really sad.  I'm sorry I apologize for doing that to you.

And he doesn't let me go for a really long time and I was scared/confused/nervous that we were going to kiss and I just thought of my date and couldn't move.

Don't you have a girlfriend?

Yeah and don't you have a date, tomorrow?

I was just so beyond confused and scared. 

Eventually he lets me go and we just go back to the movie and I try to continue talking like nothing happened.  I don't know wtf I was doing or what just happened.  Like the thing I had always dreamed about but suddenly it was happening and I was terrified....

The rest of the night goes back to normal and we just talk and we finish the movie and I give his dog a big hug, and then he leaves.

I have to go to bed immediately because I cannot comprehend what has happened in the last 5 days.  I start talking to a guy who ghosted me for 7 years and we are going on a date, then my crush of 7 years comes over and possibly hits on me, all in the same day.  What. The. Fuck.

The next day I am a mess.  I can't stop thinking about what happened, and also my date.  I'm scared B is mad because he made another move and I didn't do anything.  That he risked his relationship and expressed his feelings and I didn't return them..... I really want to go on my date with this guy and I end up spilling the beans to JD.  She is just equally as shocked as I am but tells me to go on my date and enjoy it.  Not to think about what happened with B and to revisit it later (or not at all if the date goes well).

And well.  The date went really well.

Like possibly amazingly well.

We went out for bubble tea at 630 pm and then for a walk, which somehow lasted for 5 hours.  Time slowed down and I think about him lots.

How is this possible.

How is This Possible

How is this in heckin christ.  Possible.

I shouldn't have came back here and read my old posts.  Very bad idea.

I'll write a better post later but....as usual.  A lot has happened since my last post.  I got back together with Coleston, unshockingly we broke up, I've been a little bit of a mess.  Fast foward to today. 

I saw B for the first time in 5+ years.

And I'm excited to go on a date with someone else tonight.

A date not with Coleston.  This is such a long story, and I can't even comprehend all the stuff that has happened in under 7 days.  Seriously you guys, my life is so messed up.

I really wish I didn't go back and read my old posts about B.  I really like my date tonight, even though that is also a wtf story, and I really wish whatever the heck didn't happen last night.  I don't even fully understand what happened myself.

So, after Coleston and I broke up I was done, didn't want to get back together again, but still was hoping we could be friends and occasionally meet up, and maybe he would let me look after his dogs while he was a way.  I love Sasha, I think about him all the time, his cute little nose and teef.  Anyways, we did text a few times here and there, I told him I just wanted to be friends etc etc and he said he would have to hold off on meeting up cause he still wants to fuck me.  Any normal girl would be grossed out by that right?  Well yeah not me.  I started to miss him and then a month ago I text him and asked if he could visit with his dogs someday and he said Yes that would be nice.  The next day he texted me Happy Friday!, I didn't reply back, and I actually haven't heard from him since.  I've been expecting a text from him since he usually disappears and re-appears around this time, but nothing.  

Anyways, so I've been moping and a little depressed, trying to date and just having no luck whatsoever.  I'm getting more and more anti-social as every day passes. Last Saturday, I woke up and was scrolling through FB in bed.  My aunt had posted a mental health story/post about Washing the Dishes Twice.  I read it 2-3 times and it really spoke to me.  I wasn't doing bad, but I had a stack of dishes piling up that I was just getting lazy to do.  After I read the article, I shared it on my Facebook (keep in mind I hate FB and post something like once every 6 months) and then went to do my dishes and clean up a little.  Well, I sit back down and take a look at my phone and someone had sent me a FB message.  PB, a guy I had very briefly saw while I was still depressed over my break up with Dave had messaged me.

Years ago we had like a very bad one night stand, after he left he just ghosted and ignored me.  I never deleted him off FB because actually I think he is one of the reasons I snapped out of my depression.  I just remember thinking, how stupid and pathetic have I become?  That is why guys aren't interested in you, you're so mope-y and depressed its so unattractive.  And I even made a post about it before but I decided I had to become happy again.

Become so happy that people will be sad they didn't come back for you.  If they don't come back, then who cares, you're just a happy person for yourself now and still in a better spot.

And that is kind of what happened 10 years ago.

Well, after I shared the Dishwasher story, PB had messaged me.  He sent me an apology.  He wanted to apologize for what happened the last time we saw and that he should have apologized a long, long time ago.

I read it and I smiled.  I don't know but something over came me.  For the first time ever, I felt right.  All those times I had doubted myself, and convinced I was a bad person and that's why people left me and never came back, had been proven wrong. (I'm exaggerating a little, but that's what I tell myself).  I am a nice person and people know and see that!

Even though it made me extremely happy, I wasn't exactly sure how to reply back or maybe if their were other intentions.  Obviously back then I was attracted to the guy and still was, but I didn't really know his reasoning behind his message.  I also interpreted it as very different than the apology Coleston gave me.  Coleston I think in the back of my mind he was just apologizing for the sake of apologizing and wanting to patch things up so we could have sex again.  PB's apology I'm not sure about.  It really seemed genuine.  And also its been 10 fucking years, he couldn't have been going through his list of friends and been like, ooooh lets try this girl who I haven't talked to in 10 years.

It took me a day but I eventually replied back.  I wasn't mad and I don't think I ever was mad at him for what happened, I really did blame myself.  So said Hi, and Happy Thanksgiving and not to worry.  I was never mad at him, but thanked him for apologizing.  Hoped he was well and to take care.

He replied back a short while later thanking me for replying to him and hoped again that I was doing well.

I didn't reply back, I didn't know what else to say.  It didn't exactly sound like he wanted to continue a conversation so I didn't want to carry anything on, but it was so weird to receive a message like that.

Sunday passed and then Monday was Thanksgiving.  I had been thinking about reply back to ask if he was doing okay because he never really replied to my question.  I had Zoom Thanksgiving dinner with my family and after we had finished eating I went to my computer room and was just messing around, still with my family on Zoom.  Then suddenly I got an Aurora Borealis alert.  They had been sighted in Edmonton?!!!  I loudly screamed and went to look out my window and I screamed because I saw them!  I haven't seen the AB since I moved to Edmonton in 2003.  I screamed and I lost my marbles and told my family to go outside and take pictures, I ran outside in my pjs shivering just looking at them, and then I started texting all my friends.

I even texted Coleston.  I had been thinking about him still and I remember him saying he has always wanted to see the AB.  So I texted him.

And then I messaged B.  We actually started speaking last year when Nomin tried to round us all up, but it's been really weird and awkward.  Neither of us really knowing what to say or where to start.  The AB gave me like a giant burst of adrenaline and I just felt confident to get these messages out.  I asked B if they could visit me with his dog sometimes (I really did want to meet his dog, though).

And then I messaged PB.  I told him thanks for sending me that apology, it actually meant a lot to me.  That I was in a slump the last couple weeks, and seeing his message really seemed to help me snap out of it (along with the Dishwasher story).  

This all happened shortly before/after midnight.  I saw a second showing of the AB and my heart was so happy.  My entire family was under the same sky and we were all seeing this wonder.  I went to bed, but not before realizing Coleston didn't reply back to me.  He almost always replied back to me within a couple hours.

The next day I didn't hear from Coleston all day.  My mind jumped to conclusions thinking maybe he got into an accident, or in jail or died or something, it was very unlike him.  I checked his FB and he had switched his account to private.  I eventually unblocked him on IG and saw that he was still very much active.  I felt a sigh of relief.  He was just done with me.  And I was happy with that.  I re-blocked him and haven't looked back.

PB in the meantime, had replied back to me.  He said something like "I had a lot of issues in the past with insecurities and they have manifested themselves into some toxic things.  You pop into my head from time to time as someone on the receiving end of this and I have always felt horrible.  You're a great person and deserved to be treated better.  Are you doing okay?  Do you need to talk about what happened?!"

Really, I was never mad at him in the first place, and I had no idea he felt like this.  I mean on the occasion I wonder if this is just him pulling a Coleston and testing to see how stupid girls are and ditch me again after some sex.  But again, I dunno.  I just don't know.  I told him again, don't worry, I'm not mad at him, I think I just have lifelong mild depression that comes and goes.  He told me that everytime he sees me post something or my profile pic pops up, he feels horrible about what he did and just needed to apologize head on.

We've been talking ever since and it is so very oddly comfortable talking to him.  I honestly feel like I've gone back in time and am pre-Dave self.  I don't have to do the fake bubbly ice-breaker thing because we already did that years ago, but he's new enough that we have a lot of things to talk about.  And just even his responses are like polar opposite of what happened when I was seeing Coleston.  Like PB actually asks me questions about myself, and double, sometimes triple texts me.  It is so bizarre and unusual, but really lovely.  The first couple days we were just catching up, finding out we have similar stances on Covid, the world, both are pretty jaded and cynical.  And yet, I find I'm doing that thing where I'm trying to help him see the bright side of life instead of being mope-y mope-y all the time.  It is so unusual that I honestly feel more positive as each day passes because I'm just talking about positivity all the time.

And so we are going on a date.... well no I just invited him out for bbt and we are going for an evening walk tonight.

But there is a part 2 - side story to this.

Stay tuned......