The end

The fact of the matter is of course I'm attracted to you too, you knew that. But I always mess up my relationships and I value our friendship more than some chemistry.


Brendan messaged me late at night the other day after about a month of not talking to each other.

I was so happy I started crying (I partially blame the period). I wanted to see him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.

....Almost everything you've said to me in the past few months has been a huge slap in my face. Calling me up just to see if I could look after your dog. Telling me what a Great Friend I am. Chaulking up everything thats been going through my brain since forever as just 'some chemistry'.

Do you know why I like you so much?
Because you're weird.
Because you're always there for me when I need help.
Because I like the person you see me as so much I start to believe I am her.
Because you always make me remember to smile.

Am I doing okay right now? No. No I'm not. I fucking hate winter. Will I be okay? Probably. Eventually. I just need a little more time alone, okay? The stars eventually shine again. They have to.

And then I went to bed. I could barely fall asleep because I started to get scared the he was going to reply back and call me selfish for only thinking of myself and stupid for not saying anything earlier.

I was genuinely scared.

But then, I woke up in the morning and looked at my phone and this time....

I was relieved he didn't reply back.

Of course I do still worry that he'll change his mind, or he didn't reply back because he was mad. Or that one day he'll start thinking I'm selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and needy and cut me off completely. I don't know.... but I can't really worry about that right now.

I do regret a little bit that I forgot to tell him I recognized the effort he was putting into trying to keep me as his friend. That after I stopped wanting to talk to him he did keep messaging me (albeit for the worst reasons) to try and keep me in his life. That his last message to me was really the first time I've seen him acknowledge he had a fault.

I hope he knows that I do miss him. And I might have lied..... that maybe I don't need a little more time, but maybe forever.

Do you know what a mental illness feels like.

A mental illness is waking up and going to work and school every day and feeling fine. Smiling and talking to your classmates and co-workers, and engaging with people. A mental illness is that and also going home and lying in bed for the rest of the day wondering Why no one chooses me. A mental illness is telling yourself you are okay and then crying yourself to sleep at night. A mental illness is wishing people understood you and feeling like a million knives stabbing you when they don't. It is feeling like you are going to be okay in the morning and then praying your hardest that you can die soon when it's night time. It's wanting to die for yourself, but staying alive because it would make others sad.

It's a battle with yourself that only you can understand and losing is easier than winning.