Can't stop wishing for you.

One year ago I wished you would slow down because you were smothering me and that we were moving too fast. Today I wish the only thing you would do is call me to say hello. I genuinely thought that you were someone special, and I, at one point in time, thought about moving in together. Little did I know you weren't on the same path as me, and when I found that out you couldn't see us together next year I didn't know what to do. The little picture I had started drawing was completely wiped clean and I found myself standing alone not knowing what to do anymore. I don't understand how we got here and I just wish you would tell me what is happening to you and what caused you to see me differently now. You once told me you wanted to take me to Vegas, that you wished I was constantly with you, that I could wake up next to you, and that made me feel so special. Now you barely even hold my hand anymore and look at me like you're not attracted to me. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not smother you and give you time and space, but I find myself wanting more and more of your time, and you giving me less and less of it. I don't know whats changed, but my heart says its you. I want so much for you turn back into the David I fell for one year ago, but I don't think you are willing to change back. I've told you more than once what bothers me and what I wished you could do for me, but more and more I feel like you are deliberately ignoring me. More and more I find myself wondering if you are deliberately ignoring me so I will push you away and you won't feel so bad for breaking up with me. I do feel like we are drifting apart. I do feel the tension between us of trying to find something to talk about, and I don't know how to fix it. I just wish so very hard you could see what you are doing to me. That you're ambivilance is slowly but surely breaking me down. I miss you so much, and I hate what's happening to me. I just want so much for you to hold me and for me to feel loved again.

Phoenix Down x1

It's almost been a year since I've last wrote in here. Wow and Yikes at the same time. A lot has changed. A lot. I had to re-read my last few entries to see where I last left off. Longest most interestingest story short. I am dating super-crushes friend. Yup. We've been dating for just over a year now, and its pretty nostalgic reading these last few posts. Boy I really crushed on super crush didn't I. Anyways...... I am dating super crushes friend and it (for the most part) turned out pretty good. Except today was a pretty serious step-back. David used to spend so much time trying spend time with me. He would message me all the time, all day, asking me to sleep over. I actually remember at one point in time I told him I was worried we were spending too much time together too quickly. How ironic is it that now we are on the verge of calling it quits because he doesn't have enough time for me. I don't even know if what we decided to do was the right thing. I told David what was bothering me, that he has too many things on his plate and I wish he would focus on one thing instead of trying to make 6 things succeed at once. He told me he probably couldn't do that and that he didn't believe in what I was saying...... so why did we decide to try and work things out? I'm finding I'm re-asking myself that question again only just after a 2 hour conversation. Am I being silly hoping he will change? He told me I wasn't the first girl to mention to him that he was too busy for a relationship. The fact that they still aren't in that relationship says one thing right..... ? I'm just so taken aback right now because I thought I wanted to stay together and try and work through this, but maybe a part of me doesn't believe anything will change. I told Dave only time will tell if he will be able to prioritize, but I'm wondering if its even worthwhile to try....
I honestly think the hardest (and stupidest thing) about this is, I genuinely thought (think) that Dave was something different. I had never thought about the future with Mitch or Michael before and if I did it was completely blank. But when I thought about Dave I felt something was at least possible. And that is probably why it hurt so much when I asked Dave if he saw us together next year and he replied *I don't know* It felt like the wind was knocked out off me because I had basically sketched a fuzzy picture and then suddenly it had to be erased ! In the end, I told Dave I never expect to be #1 in his life (or anybody elses life) but I definately can't settle with being in last place and getting whatever is left behind. I definately didn't hear the answer that I was hoping to hear, but.... I guess time will tell. There was a lot of other stuff that I wanted to bring back up, but I have been told 'not to bring up the past' and just work on the present issue. So....I guess I hope things work out..... I dunno I mean thats not the entire story  summed up in a paragraph, but what do you guys think so far?

In other news, my oldest brother is FINALLY dating a girl (1st girlfriend at age 32 btw). It's kinda annoying because he has become compLETELY twitter-pated with her. He hasn't stayed at home in almost 3 months now. And my mom gets mad at me for sleeping over at Dave's for the weekend....
At the advice of Brendan I talked to  my doctor about my slight depression and he suggested I go talk to a therapist and that he thinks I might have Adjustment Disorder. I haven't told my family yet, or anyone actually except for Dave and Nomin.
Jessica and Pat are engaged.
I no longer work at Kingsway Mall and have a new Receptionist job at Connelly-Mckinley. I really really like it there and I feel useful again. I miss having the cash from waitressing, but its nice to have decent sized paycheques and to be able to afford things again.
My mom and dad opened up a restaraunt again in Fort McMurray so I won't expect them to move out to Edmonton anymore
My gramma got diagnosed with probably Alzheimer's Dementia and my grampa is considered legally blind.
AND i just renewed my library card and am going to horde up on nerdy comics.

Thats all for now I guess. Missed talking to you guys and unloading my stress ~