My heart is playing tricks on me......

Ack.
So.... I thought I was pretty over super crush and that he was just regular friend now....... Well.... maybe I should start from the beginning.....

So. I'm pretty sure I'm Super Crush's friend's Super Crush (got it?). Im not really attracted to him, but we get along really well..... and.... like its really easy to talk to him (which I have discovered is what happens to all guys that I don't find attractive but end up attracting) Well, anyways. So its weird awkward love triangle. First one I've ever been in!!! Okay okay, back on topic. So sometime last last week, during my 45 minute commute between jobs I was talking to SCF (super crush's friend) and we get on topic of bubble tea and how I haven't had one in forever. He asks me whats my favorite bubble tea and I say it depends where I am. He says Tea Cottage, and I say I think thats the one that has Ferrero Rocher Bubble Tea. But then I get to Ky and start my shift so I cant check my phone anymore....... mid way through the shift he shows up with a bubble tea for me !!! *aaaaaaaaw* And he says 'so.... they didnt have a Ferrero one, but I got you this chocolate one instead......' and I say to him 'hahaha you're so white-washed!!!' (yes yes I know a MILLION people have told me I am a jerk !!!!) And then he leaves I go back to work yadda yadda yadda. The next dayy (please keep in mind this guy usually sends me 10+ text msgs a day) I dont receive a SINGLE message from him. And i send him one right before bed saying 'are you okay? I haven't heard from you all day!' ......no reply...... Okay whatever. Next day.....same thing.... No Messages!!! And I'll be honest. I was pretty sad!!! It was weird. It's like..... you talk to somebody every day for a month and then one day they just dissappear. It made me really really sad, which I was not expecting! I started worrying that he got upset cuz I said he was whitewashed and realized how mean I was to him and decided to move on. And yeah so I started getting really paranoid!!!! I sent him one more msg asking if he was really okay, and he calls me back right away (but i'm at work and can't pick up) so he leaves a VM. I slightly panick because I think its him saying 'Fuck off already' ....... I finally get off work and listen and............. apparently he has sent me a gazillion messages but none of them have been going through. Geezus I almost cried. But, it was weird because I started to wonder if I was developing a ....crush?......feelings?.......something for him? o.O
Yah....so..... that happened, and then since then I've kinda seen him for lunch and the odd time out........ and..... so I was thinking.... maybe......? Well.... Thursday night we went out with a mutual friend and the 3 of us talked about a lot of stuff and she kept saying 'why arent you guys dating?!!' And... we just pretended not to hear it....... eventually after he drove everybody home, he dropped me off last and I said i'll probably see you tomorrow.
Now....here is where it gets weird. Tomorrow rolls around. And I'm getting ready to go to Vinyl. Because my phone still isn't able to receive texts from him, Super Crush texts me (because they are at vinyl together) saying 'your husband is wondering where you are'....... o.O That.... made me..... not angry...... but... I thought it sounded like super crush was a bit annoyed at me? So.... anyways I get to Vinyl and bump into a friend and we are talking and i turn around and there is Super Crush and co. coincedentially walking towards the bar. I wave I wave I wave. Then we go upstairs and have some drinks. Super Crush buys us some shots (including me). So..... I feel happy because I'm not crushing so hard on Super Crush anymore ! He is doing his usual rounds hunting for prey, I'm okay!! We dance a bit, I'm okay!! I ask him how the event went he says 'why dont you ask Dave?' ........... oh..... that felt a little hostile too..... but whatever right?.... So... anyways I'm dancing with his friend, he is back making his rounds. He comes back and says hes gonna take off. And gives his friends all hugs. I dont really like hugs so I just wave, and he waves back and leaves.....I'm okay!! Me and SCF are dancing..... aaaah like maybe closer than I would normally dance with him- dancing........ We're there for another hour or so an eventually we leave. I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk, because I felt fine, and was pretty clear headed.... And I hold his arm as he walks me to the car, opens the door for me, drives me home, etc etc. I go home, and I'm feeling pretty happy!
But then. I wake up the next day and my F-ing heart is being a giant douche. I start worrying about Super Crush for some stupid reason. I wonder if he was ever interested in me or not. I always just assumed he wasn't but.... when I think about some of the small things that he first said to me when we first met..... it confuses me. And it confuses me EVEN MORE if I think about dating his friend !!!! Because..... i obviously like Super Crush more than him. And..... like what 'IF' by some chance Super Crush was slightly interested in me, and then here I am dating his friend........ I just remember the very first night I met him face to face I asked why he woudln't dance with me and he said 'I knew Dave was interested in you too so......' .....oh noooooo. :(
*sob sob* So confused......but.......Well..... I guess I could be (and probably am) over analysing this and that Super Crush is not interested in me at all. But... now I feel (if possible) even worse about his friend because.... I feel like I'm ...... not being sincere to him??? I cant tell yet if I actually ACTUALLY like him or..... if i'm just enjoying the attention ...... or what......:( :(

When did I become so void.
All this time I thought I was just being passive but I never thought I was coming off as not caring. Shit. Whenever people ask me for advice....Id just tell them..... "It doesn't matter what I think, its your life". I just thought that it made sense. Who am I to give someone advice when I know nothing about them...... Arrrrrrgh. But now that I've been told that that reasoning 'lacks empathy' it makes me feel so bad. So. Bad. How the hell did this happen? I remember when Jess was at our place and she found out she had Cancer. And she sat on the couch and cried and I just..... I didn't know what to do. I sat in the kitchen....and I fucking didn't say anything. What is wrong with me. Aaaaaaaah. But I really don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes. Different circumstances make different outcomes. And.... and..... FUCK I'm just making up excuses again. Why do I doubt myself so much. My mind just freezes when I have to make decisions regarding life. Fuck fuck fuck. Why do I doubt myself so much. Why can't I just say yes or no, or this is what I think? I'm so fucking scared of what people think of me that I can't even make decisions for myself.
I'm sorry too for trying to be more than just friends. My heart tells me the truth but my mind keeps wandering. I thought I had it under control....but I guess I dont. So.... I'll try harder okay.

Edmonton Spring Classic Aftermath.

Hi Yo!

Does anybody like this dress?! I'm so proud of it. Hahaha. It won me 3rd place at the EDM Spring Classic. I almost cried I wasn't expecting it at all.

Aaaaanyways, a little explaination..... This pale pink strapless dress is the first dress from Parasol's Spring 2011 Collection. I was really inspired by the lace trim (which I picked up from New York). My designs are usually really flirty and girly and I felt this design embodied it really well. However, what I'm MOST proud about is....... this is the first garment where I silkscreened an image onto. I suppose you can't *really* see it, but its a hand drawn feather silkscreened onto the bottom right hand corner of the dress. I was SO happy how it turned out. Another thing I'm pretty happy about is how well the night turned out. Not gonna lie I was PRETTY nervous having to do interviews AND mingle with the crowd. Speaking is NOT my forte..... But, I musta did pretty well because I got 3rd place!! I'm also extra proud because I know 1st and 2nd place had a lot of friends there to vote for them....I suppose I did too, but I mingled really really REALLY well with complete strangers so I'm positive I got a lot of votes from unbiased people which makes me smile :) Sooooo happy. Hahahah, the only downside (if really even) is that after they told me I placed 3rd, they said 'Oh it was SO close, you lost 2nd place by ONE vote!!!' .....that was bittersweet. Hahaha......

And the second story I have for you tonight iiiiiiiis..... Super crush and I went for dinner tonight! Yaaaaaaay :) Hahahah. Eyeball roll I know I know. But anyways, I called him yesterday asking if he wanted to go for dinner at my friends new restaurant, and he thought for a bit then said 'sure, why not.' Didn't talk much after and then just hung up..... Wasn't really exited or anything so then I went to bed. 7 30 rolls around and I get a msg from him saying something came up and he couldn't make it for dinner anymore. I read the msg. Said 'why am I not surprised' to myself. Then went back to sleep. Hahaha secretly I wasnt surprised because its happened every single time we were supposed to meet up. so I wasn't THAT upset..... (maybe a teense because I did msg iris). But anyways, the day rolled by and I went to the studio to grade my dress. I failed miserably as I fell asleep :( Hahaha BUT, i was JOLTED awake by my cell ringing and it was super crush!!! Hahahaha. Apparently whatever he had to do fell through so he wanted to see if I still wanted to go out. UH YEAH! hahahah. So.... long story short we did end up going for dinner and it was pretty good! I didn't talk like a ditzy school girl and the staff and super crush got along really well. He ordered sake and totally tried to get me drunk!!!! Hahahah maaaaaaybe not..... but I did get red faced from drinking so fast....... but I'm pretty sure I stayed a lady !! And then. At the end of the meal........(wait for iiiiit)............ he paid for dinner! I was NOT expecting that. I actually was considering to pay for dinner since I still hadn't used my KY giftcard. But he brushed me off :( Yes, yes, I know he was just being friendly and he also clearly stated 'this isn't a date' as I also stated when we first sat at the sushi bar. Soooo it's nothing special. But.... I just didn't expect it at all since we always split the bill, and I thought it was really nice :) Hahaha, such a school girl :[

and oh btw, Brendan is totally left handed........