has a new crush

I guess this entry will answer the question I posed 2 entries ago.... I kinda forgot what it felt like to have butterflies for someone again. hah. Well anyways, lets start from the begining I suppose. Its been over a year since I broke up with Michael. And I always always thought we were gonna get back together. But I guess I figured out we weren't/ wanted to move on. So I went onto a online dating site that T and M and a handful of other people I know are on.
First week was pretty bleh. I am probably secretlly still scared that I will meet another cement man. *shudder* Anyways, sometime later a guy messages me and its semi personal. Not the typical *hey/hi/whats up* And his profile seemed interesting enough so I just reply to his simple question. And low and behold he replies back! Hahah I sound so desperate but whatever didn't think much. Anyways, yadda yadda not to sure how long its been....just over a week I think but we've talked a bit more, and I get the butterflies before I msg him. So I guess that means I'm over Michael now........Which is good. I didn't think that it would be so *quick* Transference maybe. But anyways I'm kinda worried (again....) because this one is kinda the complete opposite of me? Reminds me of Shane, but more/less serious at the appropriate times. I also find him pretty funny too which is very good. Aaaaaaand, also through the magic of FB I kinda found out he was going to an event that R was also going to so I asked R to pick me up a ticket too so I could *assess the situation* hahaha (creep and loser I know) so anyways I got dressed up and went there and I totally recognized him when he walked through the door, but he walked past me the first time and I was semi glad he didn't recognize me. 20 or so mintues later we are walking around trying to do I dont know what but he taps me on the shoulder (scaring the living bejeezus outta me since I didn't know he was right there) and says hi! Hahah at that time I actually wasn't sure if I was going to say Hi or txt or call him or anything. But I was kinda surprised that he just said hi like that. Anyways long story short I'm really glad I went out that night and bumped into him. Even though we only talked for like 5 mintues, after both of us went home we talked on FB till like 6am about random stuff. I dunno I just feel really comfortable talking to him, and I feel like he doesn't judge me like Shane did.
Okay so then fastforward to the next day and I'm talking to him on FB again and like... I dont know him that well, but he sounded different.....less happy if thats possible. And, I dunno who I was trying to impress but we got on the topic of insomnia somehow. And I told him that sometimes I think too much which results in my insomnia. And then I suggested we get off the topic because it was kinda depressing and that Id have trouble sleeping if it got to serious. So then he said "if you want" and I asked him if he was okay because he didn't sound to happy, and he said he didn't want to get too deep into it for fear it might give me another sleepless night. So me, being the jerk I am I said *okay* and changed the subject. And after he signed off. I kinda fell into a slump. I dunno if I did it on purpose or what not (i certainly hope not) but I felt like a jerk for not listening to him. He said it was nothing but, I still feel like a jerk. I just... he asked me why I had trouble sleeping and I told him, but I couldnt care to listen to his problem.... gah. it just put me into a slump this morning that I haven't been able to shake. I'm sure (hope) that its nothing and he wont care, but I just feel really sad now for no apparent reason. Ugh my mind is so groggy because I've been having lots of trouble sleeping this week and I try to stay up as late as possible so that I can just crash when I crawl into bed, so my mind can't think. But on the plus side it appears that I'm losing weight from all this kuffufin :) My skirt I bought in China fits me now. yay......

How to Become a Monster

"My thirty-something years of life weren't even a bat of an eyelash in the universe's existence. And yet, I had put so much energy into living and loving. But everything I had loved had been ripped away from me and I was left with only the painful memory - like the luminous echo remaining of a few dead stars, reaching me here on earth. What I see is already dead. What I love is already dead." -Jean Barbe

I have never found a quote with which I agree with so much before. When I read it the second time I thought that it was perfect. the way I feel about life. about society. and about humanity. seems kinda negative, but it is true. Why do we exist and the point of our existance seems so miniscule. so so unimportant. hahah. And I wonder why I have no drive in life.
Anyways that quote is from a book I just finished reading "How to Become a Monster" Its... kinda a war story, but not really. Its about 2 men, one is a attorney defending a convicted murderer. and the other is the murderer/ radical. The begining of the book was kinda slow but like 3/4 in when it started to get into all that 'existance/ reason for being' stuff it got really good. My pov anyways...... just pleased to have found such a perfect quote. :)

why is there no instruction manual for life.

I suppose that would make it too easy wouldn't it.... but is that such a bad thing? I mean theres easy ways out for everything so why not life? I'm so confused right now because I think I realized I'm still in love with michael. I. Am Still. In Love. I just.... I signed up for an online dating thing because its been over a year since we broke up, and I thought I just need to meet someone to take my mind off michael (like michael made me forget about craig) so i was like YEAH thats exactly what I need. So I signed up like a few weeks ago. And theres one guy who i've been kinda back and fourthing ith with. And I just. I just CAN'T STOP wondering how michael will feel if he found out I was seeing somebody else. why why why WHY. why do I/should I care? I do still keep in touch with him, like he'll call me or i'll call him every 2 weeks or something just to chat. And we still joke around but I think I really do miss him still. Yesterday he sent me a txt saying to 'remember to wear a thicker jacket because its getting colder' ......uuuuugh. why is this haaaaaappening D: Randomly today I told M about Michael and how we broke up and how I always always thought we would get back together and it felt so weird reliving those exact moments that I never want to remember. But at the same I'm worried about what him being alone and what he'll do/ what'll happen to him if i start seeing somebody. I suppose I still consider him a friend (if not a bit more than) but what's gonna happen to this relationship if I were to start seeing somebody. And why am I even worrying about losing this friendship? ugh too tired to think D: D: D: