hiiiiiii......
sitting at home, watching tv. being unproductive. I actually feel kinda sick today, my stomache feels funny. ugggggh, im just falling into a slump again. i need a job so bad. I feel so horrible that I've finshed 6 years of schooling and i can't even get a fuckin retail job. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i just want.....a clean slate....an empty mind....nothing to think about nothing to worry about. job, one year plan, michael, being single. i dont know how people do it. theres so much stuff for me to worry about, and at the same time, the stuff i'm worrying about is SO DUMB. like.....how many millions of people are umemployed, or unable to work, and i cant just suck it up? i hate feeling this useless, wakingg up and having nothing to do. i hate that michael is so....so.....carefree??? am i complaining that hes too carefree???? wtf. this guy has probably less money than in his account than me, and the second he gets a bit more than that he spends it all on something useless. I dont understand why he can't see that HES NOT RICH ANYMORE. i feel like he's still trying to impress everyone with money that he doesn't have. he always scolded me for being so senseless and childish, and here HE IS blowing his life away. i cant even comprehend why i still care so much. ugh my brother just came home and asked me *how can you stay at home and do nothing all day*..... HAH. if he only understood how i feel. how ever day i stay at home makes me feel more and more depressed. makes me feel more and more confused and makes me wonder why the hell was i born if i can't succeed......
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
sigh
it's so bittersweet to be writing here again. writing here helps me to get some weight of my chest, but writing here also means that i'm usually feeling really depressed. *sigh*
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........
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