Sadness and Sorrow

It sucks being lonely you know. One of these days I hope to go to a psychiatrist and have them diagnose me with some time of accute mental disorder, then hopefully I'll make more sense. Cause seriously sometimes I think way to much for my own good. I think its just the Edmonton air, I never used to think this much in high school....or maybe its just growing up....I hate growing up. When i was 6 i didn't worry about not having a boyfriend, when i was 12 i didn't worry about not having a boyfriend, when i was 17 i didn't really worry about not having a boyfriend. Now that i'm 19 i'm worried about not having a boyfriend. When your single it just seems that the world likes rubbing it in your face, and couples come prancing around in your face holding hands, kissing and eating each others faces like theres no tomorrow. Another thing i hate is memories, iknow iknow i have a lot of good memories with friends....or at least i used to think so....not really anymore, I can't seem to make it a day without thinking of some stupid embarssing situation i've put myself in and when i start to think of something from the past i pinch myself and tell myself to think of something else. Guys leave terrible TERRIBLE impressions on me. I'm starting to think that all guys are assholes. There was only one guy i knew in elementary that i liked and i'm pretty sure that for some godforsaken reason he had liked me too....but....she thought that he was useless and woudln't even think of him as a chance. I'm sorry that I didn't stand up to her, and i really really regret never getting to know you. My life is so full of regrets, that i seriously wonder every single day how it would be different if I had done something different instead. Fate is always a couple days off. What would have happened between me and you if i did come over that night? would you have become more than just a memory, would this hole in my heart be gone....would the sound of your name no longer bring pain and hatred? I dont know, but i really wish you'd come back just for one day, where me and you could sort things out and perhaps bid our final goodbyes properly rather than your abrupt disappearnce from my life. Whats really really sad, i think is that you probably dont even remember me, whereas i had at one time fell for you because you treated me differently than everyone else and saw through my shell....or at least i thought you did. The last few times i spoke with you, you seemed like a completely different person. I guess i hate admiting it and dont think i can, but i dont think you really knew me at all. You're just a player and no matter how hard she defends you thats the word that i associate with you now. i have to forget about you.But at the same time one day, even if its after i die, i'd like to meet you. I'd give you the sad smile that i've developed and I'd tell you what you put me through. Would things have been different if i was prettier....perhaps skinnier? One thing i know, is that the friend that isnt one any more was both and her life? Picture perfect, and if it isn't you're sure putting on a good act. I miss being a kid. One of these days if I go to far I just plan on freaking out and have my family admit me to a mental institute....(even if i do end up faking it but at least i can be myself)

the viscious cycle continues

Look what your terrible backstabbing blog has resulted in me doing. Writing a terrible (not sure if its going to be backstabbing yet) blog about you. Cue flashback, yesterday (read the blog if you must) remember how I told you my friend made me feel like a complete idiot with that whole elbow pipe and *is it the hood stand part* how insulting is that. And not to mention thats totally not the only things she tells me that makes me feel bad. Like when i tell her i can't do soemthing cuz blah blah, shes like *um.... i don't know about you but i can do it just fine* well gee thanks for making me feel totally useless. UGH i'm getting so pissed off again, its like she doens't have the tenacity to think that shes not the only person whos got feelings. Like seriously when i read that very very first entry about me I got super sad and worried and was like man now what, its gonna be so awkward. but i guess i just pretended like i didn't read it and everyting was okay, i just tried to be more like...i dunno careful with my words. BUT SERIOUSLY how am i supposed to be fucking careful when you *basically* tell me that i'm a bimbo. I seriously dont think you think about your words and how much of a hypocrite you are. If i hurt your feelings with harsh words i'm sorry, but it certainly doens't give you the right to make me feel like an invalid. And I think the MAIN reason why this caused a big kuffufin was because I found the blog in the first place. I would CERTAINLY HOPE that if your gonna write bad blogs about one of your best friends that you yourself said had once considered family, it SHOULD NOT be a direct link on your main homepage that is posted on your msn profile that everyone has access too. I know this blog of mine really isnt' any better but at least its not easily accessible unless you have really good luck surfing blogs or i friggen give you the link. Ugh, i have such a terrible life i think sometimes. Like basically my 2 very best high school friends who i've known for 12 and 9 years, make me feel useless half the time. Such a bad relationship. but well yeah i'm ging to go now, and eat or something cuz all that crying and punching walls (weakly as *someone* tells me) has made me really nungry.

some one just shoot me

ug, tis been a super super long time...like 2 weeks...hahaha. my god today was a terribly looooong day. i went in to work 2 hours early to let the other hostess take the rest of the day off to study (which i also had to do also) and i get off at 10 (supposed to) and every single saturday, right at 10'oclock (never ceases to fail) i get bombarded w/ a million take outs and never end up leaving till like 10 30-10 45. Whats even worse is I ring it under the other girl's name cuz i figure i'll leave before they come....nope...wrong. and those last few tables always give a tip... boo hoo.. haha but its okay my waitress gives me the tip anyways cuz i end up packing it and getting soup...hoho...well okay that was work. i got home at like 10 45 and my tbone aunt has called and left like 3 messages telling me or my brother to go and pick up some rice and leftovers. n i was like *but but...its like 11 and its late and i dont have a car anymore* and she was like *hmmm....hmmmm.....hmmmmmmm....i know, send your brother over, tell him to take the bus* n i was like...*but...but* so i got suckered in, and then i was like (lightbulb) i know we'll take the spare emergency car keys and take the car and stop a block away from her place and then walk 2 get the food, cuz hell I aint waiting who knows how long for a bus to come at 12AM on a saturday night. so we got the key and went 2 start up the car....BUT IT WOULDN'T START n i was like....omg oh myyy god not my car brothers gonna kill me. so we sat in the car a bit and tried to see if we left any lights on or anything, but everything was off. so i was like shit man wtf. arg so i called AMA and they were like we'll be there in ~90 minutes. so i was like okay thanx.....DAMNIT THE FOOD. so i like brain hemmoraged cuz i thought so hard. i gave AMA my cell number so they'd call b4 they got here so i was debating who should keep the phone. but in the end i gave it to my brother who went to take the bus and get the food so he could call and stuff if anything happened and he could call the house phone when AMA finally called. so i swear that 90 minutes was like the longest time of my life. my brother called like 4 times to check what bus to take, got the food, coming home now. and FINALLY the AMA guy called and i waited downstairs for like 10 mintues....nada. so i came back up stairs to call brother and see and still ntohing. Finally i see the flashing yellow lights....long story short, the man fixed the car...big sigh of relief. What was really weird (and scary) was that the car was like....not as we remember leaving it. first of all the car tarp was off (and in the trunk), battery was dead (duh main story here but how is the question) and finally, when i popped the hood for the guy this like...arm sized elbow shaped black plastic pipe was like....lying underneath the hood right in the middle on top of the engine. and the guy like picked it up and looked at me weird, n i was like...uh...i dunno not mine....so weird....but yeah that was the end. oh no wait one more thing. so after the big kuffufin was over i told my friend what happened and about that elbow pipe thing, and the first thing she said was *was it the hood stand*. n i was like already pissed off and when i seen that i like almost punched the screen. COME ON i'm not fricken stupid here, i mean i'm not an automotives person but i can tell what the stand looks like. GAWD.... i mean seriously, sometimes i wonder. This is the same friend that had that wrote that blog about me saying how sometimes my words to her were harsh and stuff. How much of a hypocrite are you if you do the same to me. Seriously sometimes the questions and answers she gives me are a serious insult to my intelligence. Yes i know i'm a bimbo sometimes but thats when I act like it. guh.... so angry....and hot...and tired...and head achey....vreh....oh and btw my food was cold.... oh one more thing, after i finally settled down it finally dawned on me how much it seems like i've grown up. Like i feel really immature sometimes and scared to do things on my own, but I think maybe today I proved to myself that I can take charge and take care of things. Cuz like in the car, i didn't even really stop to think i just popped open the glove compartment and called AMA. and i thought a pretty smart response to the big cell phone dilemna and it was a good call. and ....so yeah hahah i'm really proud of myself today cuz i handled it pretty well...haha yay.....this calls for a cookie...mmmm