Some things have happened since my last story telling.
Not in my favor of course.
The usual Pokémon catching at 2 am.
B calling me a GREAT FRIEND.
B telling me I probably shouldn't say we met each other on a dating site.
B throwing me off my Happy Bus.
You know. The usual.
Last Friday I emailed him and asked if he wanted to go for dinner after work. He replied sure and we ended up hanging out for the rest of the night (along with a group of friends after dinner). He grabbed dessert for us and also a couple drinks. After everyone called it a night around 2am we just walked around the Leg catching Pokémon and then he dropped me back off at home. Didn't wait for me to get into the foyer this time.
On Saturday I went to the Farmer's Market to pick up some cookies that B had a gift certificate for. He had a race to attend and I just assumed he was going to call me after to pick up the goods. But I didn't hear anything. So that was Saturday. I ate a cookie.
Sunday morning, I text him to see if he wants to pick up his cookies before I leave the condo because I won't be around for most of the day. He is surprised that I picked up the cookies. I don't understand why because he asked me to. He replies back by saying 'You are a great friend!' I cry a little on the inside - haha :( He asks if he can pick them up now and I tell him I'm leaving in half an hour. No Reply. I don't know what that means. Are you coming now? What's going on? Anyways, 20 minutes pass and I still hear nothing so I call and ask what's happening. He says he still has to shower and won't be able to make it in time and he'll just pick them up in the evening or something. Which of course he doesn't.
Monday finally rolls around. When I finally get home after work I text him again. Do you just want me to drop the cookies off? He texts back and says he is on the way. And he arrives in about 5-10 minutes. I was baking some Banana Muffins and packed 4 for him. I go down to drop off the goods and really am trying not to talk to long and try and leave right away. He sees I'm in my pjs and says 'Oh I could have gone up to get them'. So I stop and turn back around to chat for a couple minutes. Eventually I go back upstairs to finish making dinner when I get a text from him:
You are ridiculously bad for my health
I kinda smile and tell him the muffins are somewhat healthy. He proceeds to tell me he gave 2 of them away to someone he knew at the gas station. That kinda dampens my spirit because I didn't make muffins for strangers and I ask if he gave them all away. B doesn't reply and that's the end of that night.
We don't really talk until Thursday evening. I'm having dinner with my family a couple blocks from his place and I call him up to see if he want's to sign N's bday card. He doesn't answer. But its not a big deal, he always calls me back. So of course I am a little surprised when I wake up the next day and see I have no missed calls or new texts. Somewhat bizarre for him. Anyways, I go to work and it ends up being kind of a hectic day and it starts to bug me that he didn't call me back. And I start getting anxious.
Did he get into a car accident? He does have road rage....
Did something happen to his mom? He did mention something before....
What the heck happened?!!
Around 10am I email him asking if he is okay because he has never not called me back before.
By noon I have heard nothing. I end up texting Tiny and ask if something happened to B.
I even go so far as logging onto his My Fitness Pal to check if he's logged in recently.
And he hasn't.
It genuinely freaked me out.
Finally at 2pm he emails me back and says I am okay! and he was just hanging out with his family. I don't reply back because he answered all my questions.
On Saturday B textes me early in the morning to tell me he was having lunch with T. I tell him that may be my doing because I genuinely thought he was in trouble and asked T. I also send him a funny cartoon about a superhero called Anxiety Girl. He laughs. T also texts me around noonish to say he is having lunch with B. I'm out with my family and doing my own thing.
Around 2 pm B texts me and asks if I want to have lunch. I text him back saying 'Too Late' because I'm having lunch already with my family. What didn't occur to me at the time was....
....didn't he just have lunch with T? A second lunch?..... huh?
Anyways, I didn't think of that till later and just asked what he was doing that evening because I wanted to take my cousins out. He replies he is going to a houseparty and says I could come too. I tell him I'm with my cousins and will probably just go to Common. He texts me a photo of the clothes he tried on in the change room at Winners. I tell him I really like his shoes. And that is that.
Until about 2 am he calls me just as I get back into the condo from Pokémon hunting with my cousins. He asks what's going on at the Common and what I am doing. I let him know I just got back home and he asks if we want to go karaoke. I kind of do and so do A&G. But then it occurs to him that karaoke is closing pretty soon and decides he should just go home. Then he asks me what I am doing tomorrow. I tell him tomorrow is Sunday and to take a guess. He remembers that every Sunday I have dimsum with family and that is that. I still try and tempt him over with cake and ice cream sandwiches and it actually works until he texts me back saying he is too tired and is just going home. We have a little conversation and I tell him G was excited to meet him because I tell her a lot of stories. He asks me if I want to see a movie on Sunday night. I text him a photo of G eating his ice cream sandwich and then a photo of a Cineplex giftcard saying 'What a coincidence!' He doesn't reply and I assume he goes to sleep.
Naturally I'm kind of excited to see him when Sunday rolls around. That was 3 attempts he made to try and see me :) Is it going to be a happy ending?!
Of course not
He doesn't contact me at all on Sunday.
I text him at 530pm asking if he still wanted to go see a movie.
By Monday the next day there was still no reply or reason.
Did I cry? Of course I did. I laughed because of course that is what was going to happen. Shit always goes down when I think something good might come out of someone. I laughed so hard I started crying. On Monday I hear nothing from him all day. I just stick around the studio and go out and have dinner with my family. I get home around 8pm and am cleaning up a little bit and finally I crawl into bed around 10pm. I've taken some sleeping pills because I don't want to think about anything. Then I see I missed 2 texts from B. Him and P are out catching pokemon and asked if I wanted to come. I don't reply and go to bed.
11:20pm rolls around and P calls me.
11:23pm rolls around and B Facetimes me
11:24pm rolls around and B calls me
11:27pm rolls around and P calls me
I finally answer. Him and B are downstairs by my building wanting to know if P can borrow a bike lock. I'm really sleepy from the sleep aid starting to kick in but I go downstairs to give P a bike lock.
B isn't there. When I ask P why he says 'Oh he said you didn't want to see him, you are mad at him or something.' I am beyond my brain tired but I know it registers that at least he knew. P wants to stay and chat with me for a bit even though I can't even keep my eyes open and he finally lets me go after about 10 minutes. That reminds me I'll see him again later.
And of course I have trouble falling back asleep and am currently sitting at my desk nodding off.
I bet B is going to not talk to me 'until I cool off'.
How annoying. I am not exactly mad at him but I am upset. There are at least 5 things I can think of that he could have done on Sunday that would have prevented this. #1 being a simple text back saying 'I can't, something came up' or even 'I forgot.'
Anyways. Something else I wanted to point out. I was 'excited' to see him on Sunday and thought something might happen, and if it didn't it didn't.
Well not only did it not happen. Nothing happened and he didn't even feel the need to answer me.
I think that is a pretty clear indication of how he feels about me so....
Take it and Go.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
I Caught Wigglytuff
So pink and pleasing.
Unlike my mind.
The more I think, the more I am going crazy.
On Monday B called me up to play Pokémon and we spent about 6 hours together.
On Tuesday he emailed me asking about tips for Japan.
On Wednesday he emailed me asking more specifically why I left FB. I replied and then he told me about the great date he went on and I didn't respond.
Hearing that really made me sad. I cried a little. I'm silly I know.
On Thursday I was at the studio kinda hoping he would text or call me, but literally I've talked to him every day starting Sunday, and thought there had to be a break somewhere. And so I heard nothing. I finished my project and was walking home/Pokémon hunting around 730pm when I get a text from him asking if I want to catch Pokémon. Of course I'm happy to see him and I let him know I'm already out playing. Totally forgetting that I'm trying to keep my distance because it seems to help with the crush. He eventually asks if I want to ride my bike, to which I reply 'Not really because I'm wearing a dress'. I don't get a reply back so I double text 'I can't tell what you wanna do but I'm gonna go soon' to which he replies 'I wanna pick you up and walk around the U'.
And that is what we did.
Well kinda. He didn't eat so we went to It' Dog first and then I mentioned Hawrelak to which he had forgot about and thought it was a great idea. So, we went to Hawrelak and drove around in circles for half an hour catching Electabuzzes.
And also smoke up.
Hawrelak is super dark at night time so while he was getting the stuff ready in his car he asked me to hold onto the vape. Then he held onto my hand to steady the vape so he could put everything inside. I say 'Uh.... why don't you just hold the vape and not my hand....' He pauses....stops what he's doing and says '.....I don't know.....' And I start laughing really hard. He tells me to shut up and I laugh some more. I dunno why I thought it was so funny. We catch 2 Electabuzzes and I am pretty high. To the point where I almost tell him I like him.
But I don't.
Then the park closes, and without suggestion he drives to the U to walk around some more. Somewhere along the way he asks how my day was and I tell him I had 4 chocolate bars and a bag of chips for breakfast (I was trying to cheer up from hearing his dating situation). He laughs and says 'and you can't even see it'. He mentions two different girls while we are out. A story about a pretty girl he added on FB 5 years ago, who just accepted his request yesterday, and that Jesse is trying to pick up the new girl he is seeing. It doesn't hurt much this time and I'm glad. Maybe it's going away? I dunno. We are walking around campus and it's probably because I am super high but I keep thinking something is going to happen. He see's a gym and says, "lets go behind those trees so I can beat this gym." I say "....Or you can just stand right here in the light and beat it?"
This morning when I woke up, I thought, everything that happened yesterday could have been a move he was trying to make, or equally just a completely innocent Friend-zone notion.
I can't tell. I am totally leaning towards friend-zone and am pretty sure I am just over thinking. But I have such wishful thinking....
Around midnight we get back to his car and he drops me off at home. He gives me his usual fistbump and I awkwardly get out of his car. I walk up the stairs to the door and buzz myself in. I turn around and see his car is still there..... and I wave Bye.....
Whether or not he was waiting for me to go in or catching Zubat, I do not know...
I don't know what to do. Every thing in my brain is telling me to not tell him I like him.
Unlike my mind.
The more I think, the more I am going crazy.
On Monday B called me up to play Pokémon and we spent about 6 hours together.
On Tuesday he emailed me asking about tips for Japan.
On Wednesday he emailed me asking more specifically why I left FB. I replied and then he told me about the great date he went on and I didn't respond.
Hearing that really made me sad. I cried a little. I'm silly I know.
On Thursday I was at the studio kinda hoping he would text or call me, but literally I've talked to him every day starting Sunday, and thought there had to be a break somewhere. And so I heard nothing. I finished my project and was walking home/Pokémon hunting around 730pm when I get a text from him asking if I want to catch Pokémon. Of course I'm happy to see him and I let him know I'm already out playing. Totally forgetting that I'm trying to keep my distance because it seems to help with the crush. He eventually asks if I want to ride my bike, to which I reply 'Not really because I'm wearing a dress'. I don't get a reply back so I double text 'I can't tell what you wanna do but I'm gonna go soon' to which he replies 'I wanna pick you up and walk around the U'.
And that is what we did.
Well kinda. He didn't eat so we went to It' Dog first and then I mentioned Hawrelak to which he had forgot about and thought it was a great idea. So, we went to Hawrelak and drove around in circles for half an hour catching Electabuzzes.
And also smoke up.
Hawrelak is super dark at night time so while he was getting the stuff ready in his car he asked me to hold onto the vape. Then he held onto my hand to steady the vape so he could put everything inside. I say 'Uh.... why don't you just hold the vape and not my hand....' He pauses....stops what he's doing and says '.....I don't know.....' And I start laughing really hard. He tells me to shut up and I laugh some more. I dunno why I thought it was so funny. We catch 2 Electabuzzes and I am pretty high. To the point where I almost tell him I like him.
But I don't.
Then the park closes, and without suggestion he drives to the U to walk around some more. Somewhere along the way he asks how my day was and I tell him I had 4 chocolate bars and a bag of chips for breakfast (I was trying to cheer up from hearing his dating situation). He laughs and says 'and you can't even see it'. He mentions two different girls while we are out. A story about a pretty girl he added on FB 5 years ago, who just accepted his request yesterday, and that Jesse is trying to pick up the new girl he is seeing. It doesn't hurt much this time and I'm glad. Maybe it's going away? I dunno. We are walking around campus and it's probably because I am super high but I keep thinking something is going to happen. He see's a gym and says, "lets go behind those trees so I can beat this gym." I say "....Or you can just stand right here in the light and beat it?"
This morning when I woke up, I thought, everything that happened yesterday could have been a move he was trying to make, or equally just a completely innocent Friend-zone notion.
I can't tell. I am totally leaning towards friend-zone and am pretty sure I am just over thinking. But I have such wishful thinking....
Around midnight we get back to his car and he drops me off at home. He gives me his usual fistbump and I awkwardly get out of his car. I walk up the stairs to the door and buzz myself in. I turn around and see his car is still there..... and I wave Bye.....
Whether or not he was waiting for me to go in or catching Zubat, I do not know...
I don't know what to do. Every thing in my brain is telling me to not tell him I like him.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
No Charmander
After Polish Guy pulled that dick move and said he didn't want to date me and just wanted to be friends, I remember thinking.
He wants to be single while Tom is here so he can party with him and not be tied down.
I originally thought it was just that I was rubbing off on Polish Guy again and that's why he wanted to talk to me again (I'm that great of a person?) But then I thought some more.....
Tom's not here anymore. He left a couple weeks ago.
And when did Polish Guy start acknowledging me again?..... Now that's a pretty funny coincidence, isn't it.
He wants to be single while Tom is here so he can party with him and not be tied down.
I originally thought it was just that I was rubbing off on Polish Guy again and that's why he wanted to talk to me again (I'm that great of a person?) But then I thought some more.....
Tom's not here anymore. He left a couple weeks ago.
And when did Polish Guy start acknowledging me again?..... Now that's a pretty funny coincidence, isn't it.
Pikachu use Thunderbolt
It's slowly killing me.
I promised all the Shooting Stars I saw on Saturday that I was just going to stay friends with B. He is one of my favorite people to hang out with.
I promised myself I wouldn't try anything.
I feel like Freya. From Chobits. She falls in love with her father and knows that its not right because her father loves her mother and she could never take him away from her. So she slowly falls apart from knowing the person she loves can never love her back.. :'(
On Sunday he told me he's on and off seeing someone. It made my heart hurt a little.
When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person, at the same time, that's when its real.Then yesterday I had a dream we made out in his bed. He invited me up and we were lying down together and he just leaned over and kissed me.
I'm screwed.
I think it's just that we've been hanging out together so much that I'm starting to like him again. That and his goddam facial hair which has made him like 10x more attractive. Argh. Since my last post I've kinda been trying to keep my distance (ie haven't gone to the bar with him, tried to cut back on the texting) but I would still feel quite happy when his name showed up on my phone or inbox, or a little sad when it didn't. I got a comment from both him and Polish Guy on my Raven Cosplay, undoubtedly thanks to all the thigh I showed, and after Animethon I finally downloaded Pokémon Go. I was originally playing pretty incognito and nobody knew, but one night I went to the leg and P picked me out from the crowd and that was the end of that secret. After that B's been kinda on and off asking me to go and catch Pokémon with him. I'm positive he thinks of me as just a friend now but maybe a pretty friend. He does give me the odd compliment and tells me I look nice every once in a while, but he also ignores texts of mine sometimes. I dunno. I wish I had more guy friends to consult with, but I'm also pretty sure I'm just thinking too much. Guys don't talk to you about other girls if they are interested in you right?
On Saturday B & P went on a rafting trip. I didn't want to go and was walking around Whyte when a car honks at me and I see P and a couple other people I know on their way to Bubble Tea and invite me. B broke his phone and is out hunting for a new one and is MIA. But I do go with them, and then I end up having the worst panic attack of my life. It ended up not just being Polish Guy but like a dozen of his other friends from the rafting trip. They all go to SFC and I stupidly box myself into a corner so when everyone's food arrives I get trapped. I can't leave, I can't move, I have nothing to distract myself with. So I started panicking pretty bad. My heart started pounding and my eyes started watering. I was so scared I was going to start crying and everyone was going to look at me. And then I started feeling really stupid for freaking out in a simple situation. I ended up being able to keep it under wraps but I text P and say I have to get out of here, and that I was having really bad anxiety. When we get out of the restaurant I don't talk for the next 20 minutes. P asks if I'm feeling better and then tries to carry on conversation while we go look for Pokémon. I think maybe he is developing a small crush on me again. When we were sitting on the park bench and I leaned in close to make a joke and I'm pretty sure he looked at my mouth. He grabbed my hand a couple times and also made some innuendo when I told him I could reach two Pokestops while lying in bed. But anyways, towards the end of the night, he started telling me again how I was one of the most interesting people he has met and wished he could understand me better.
And then I went home started my FB hiatus.
And then P&B went to Prive to party it up and make out with girls.
During the time I was hanging out with P, I had messaged B twice (text and FB) and he didn't reply but posted something on FB. Little bummed? Yeah. I guess he did eventually text me back late at night "Just got a new phone, sorry for the late reply". To which I say nothing. And so while they were at Prive I just walked to campus and went stargazing.
Sunday I wake up and still feel kinda bummed from the panic attack. I had texted G and Tiny for help but Tiny made me feel even worse, while Gabby I know tried but didn't understand why I was panicking. So, I'm getting ready to go to WEM and just about to leave when I get a phone call from B. He asks if I wanna go for brunch, to which I say yes because for the first time in years I don't have dimsum plans with my grandparents. I walk over to his place and we go to Normand's for brunch. He asks me if I can move dimsum to Saturdays from now on and always go with him for Sunday Brunch. I'm sure he's only saying that because he loves brunch at Normand's. It's kinda quiet in the beginning and he asks why I haven't been coming out lately and asks if I'm getting stressed out again and/or don't want to socialize. I kinda beat around the bush and we change topics and conversation eventually picks up. Somehow we get on the topic of dating and I say 'I swear the only thing I have going for me is black hair and slanty eyes'. His reply is 'you're pretty hilarious too'. He ends up grabbing my meal and I say thanks and we go to WEM. It's kinda funny because I went to WEM on a mission and every store that I went into it ended up being him that bought something. In Aritzia he says 'There are no pretty girls in here.... well except for you!' And that makes me smile. Big brother is at WEM so I end up leaving with him and we go and get groceries. I tell B I'll text him when I get back downtown to go play Pokémon. When I finally get home it starts pouring rain and I'm a little sad because I do want to go out still and wait out the rain. When it stops I grab my phone and see I missed a text from B.
You left FB again?
P and I are going to see a movie in 10 minutes. We just decided this so sorry for the short notice.
My eyes water a little bit. I don't really recall B saying Sorry to me very often. And that he noticed I left FB (which I'm sure was bound to happen because I was in a group chat with him).
I text him back a few hours later telling him about the bad panic attack and that I wouldn't have made the movie but if they go out after, to let me know. A few hours pass and I think they just decide to do their own thing when I do get a text from B who says they are at the leg grounds. I debated if I should go, or if I should just go to bed and I am genuinely leaning towards the latter when I end up surprisingly going to leg. I'm walking there in my incognito clothing when B bikes past me, does a double take, realizes its me and says Geezus you're like a flippin ninja. I laugh because it's true and no one actually knows. P is also with him and we are walking around when he leaves to catch something and leaves B and I alone.
Are you feeling better?
I was actually a little surprised he asked me, I thought the leg text was his acknowledgement and he just didn't want to bring anything up. I sheepishly laugh and say yeah, and then go into a little bit of detail. It's not a serious conversation but when he's walking me home (okay he's actually walking to get Pokestops) he says to me, I always thought you were doing good for the last little while but I guess I don't know everything. And I tell him 'That's what I always think too". He drops me off at the condo and I walk up and for the first time I look back to see if he's still there.
He is. But most likely catching a Pokémon. Ha-ha/*single tear.
Monday, yesterday, after I get off work I go home and take a nap. Dead tired. When I get up I want to go out because its such a nice day, but I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I end up *nerd alert* going out to hatch some 10km Pokeggs. So I get on my bike for the first time since I almost flipped over the handlebars and bike to KW. I get there and walk around a little bit when I get a phone call. I have a feeling I know who it is. Who else would call me around this time?
And it is.
Hi B.
Hey what are you doing?
.....I don't want to tell you.......
*laughs* Where are you? I'll totally come and play!
I have some 10k eggs to hatch so I biked to Kingsway.
*laughs louder* oh my god you're so nerdy now, I love it. Okay I'll come meet you.
And that's the story of how I spent the next 6 hours playing Pokémon with Supercrush.
I wanted to drop some sweets off to my grandparents so we biked over to Chinatown and popped in.
Grandparent's never remember B, but are always happy to have visitors. B tells me he likes my grandpa and that he's funny. And then we bike to the leg and meet up with Polish Guy. I still have like 3km to go before my eggs hatch so I'm booking it on my own. Polish Guy is stealing my dual battery pack again and we are wandering off together before he has to leave for work. I find B and its almost midnight. He asks if I want to go home or keep going. I laugh and ask what does he think. (lawl) So we get biking again and he ends up going to grab something to eat and we just sit in the parking lot and chat for a bit while he eats.
It was nice.
After that B asked if I needed him to bike me home, to which I said no and then he told me the best way to get home and then we said bye.
I always feel like I let a load off my chest when I write out my day. It's so silly. But it feels like a little bit of the crush disappears after this.
Also. Right before I went to bed Polish Guy texted me You are so sweet when you sleep.
Also it is 2pm on Tuesday and Polish Guy just texted me asking if I'm at work....
I promised all the Shooting Stars I saw on Saturday that I was just going to stay friends with B. He is one of my favorite people to hang out with.
I promised myself I wouldn't try anything.
I feel like Freya. From Chobits. She falls in love with her father and knows that its not right because her father loves her mother and she could never take him away from her. So she slowly falls apart from knowing the person she loves can never love her back.. :'(
On Sunday he told me he's on and off seeing someone. It made my heart hurt a little.
When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person, at the same time, that's when its real.Then yesterday I had a dream we made out in his bed. He invited me up and we were lying down together and he just leaned over and kissed me.
I'm screwed.
I think it's just that we've been hanging out together so much that I'm starting to like him again. That and his goddam facial hair which has made him like 10x more attractive. Argh. Since my last post I've kinda been trying to keep my distance (ie haven't gone to the bar with him, tried to cut back on the texting) but I would still feel quite happy when his name showed up on my phone or inbox, or a little sad when it didn't. I got a comment from both him and Polish Guy on my Raven Cosplay, undoubtedly thanks to all the thigh I showed, and after Animethon I finally downloaded Pokémon Go. I was originally playing pretty incognito and nobody knew, but one night I went to the leg and P picked me out from the crowd and that was the end of that secret. After that B's been kinda on and off asking me to go and catch Pokémon with him. I'm positive he thinks of me as just a friend now but maybe a pretty friend. He does give me the odd compliment and tells me I look nice every once in a while, but he also ignores texts of mine sometimes. I dunno. I wish I had more guy friends to consult with, but I'm also pretty sure I'm just thinking too much. Guys don't talk to you about other girls if they are interested in you right?
On Saturday B & P went on a rafting trip. I didn't want to go and was walking around Whyte when a car honks at me and I see P and a couple other people I know on their way to Bubble Tea and invite me. B broke his phone and is out hunting for a new one and is MIA. But I do go with them, and then I end up having the worst panic attack of my life. It ended up not just being Polish Guy but like a dozen of his other friends from the rafting trip. They all go to SFC and I stupidly box myself into a corner so when everyone's food arrives I get trapped. I can't leave, I can't move, I have nothing to distract myself with. So I started panicking pretty bad. My heart started pounding and my eyes started watering. I was so scared I was going to start crying and everyone was going to look at me. And then I started feeling really stupid for freaking out in a simple situation. I ended up being able to keep it under wraps but I text P and say I have to get out of here, and that I was having really bad anxiety. When we get out of the restaurant I don't talk for the next 20 minutes. P asks if I'm feeling better and then tries to carry on conversation while we go look for Pokémon. I think maybe he is developing a small crush on me again. When we were sitting on the park bench and I leaned in close to make a joke and I'm pretty sure he looked at my mouth. He grabbed my hand a couple times and also made some innuendo when I told him I could reach two Pokestops while lying in bed. But anyways, towards the end of the night, he started telling me again how I was one of the most interesting people he has met and wished he could understand me better.
And then I went home started my FB hiatus.
And then P&B went to Prive to party it up and make out with girls.
During the time I was hanging out with P, I had messaged B twice (text and FB) and he didn't reply but posted something on FB. Little bummed? Yeah. I guess he did eventually text me back late at night "Just got a new phone, sorry for the late reply". To which I say nothing. And so while they were at Prive I just walked to campus and went stargazing.
Sunday I wake up and still feel kinda bummed from the panic attack. I had texted G and Tiny for help but Tiny made me feel even worse, while Gabby I know tried but didn't understand why I was panicking. So, I'm getting ready to go to WEM and just about to leave when I get a phone call from B. He asks if I wanna go for brunch, to which I say yes because for the first time in years I don't have dimsum plans with my grandparents. I walk over to his place and we go to Normand's for brunch. He asks me if I can move dimsum to Saturdays from now on and always go with him for Sunday Brunch. I'm sure he's only saying that because he loves brunch at Normand's. It's kinda quiet in the beginning and he asks why I haven't been coming out lately and asks if I'm getting stressed out again and/or don't want to socialize. I kinda beat around the bush and we change topics and conversation eventually picks up. Somehow we get on the topic of dating and I say 'I swear the only thing I have going for me is black hair and slanty eyes'. His reply is 'you're pretty hilarious too'. He ends up grabbing my meal and I say thanks and we go to WEM. It's kinda funny because I went to WEM on a mission and every store that I went into it ended up being him that bought something. In Aritzia he says 'There are no pretty girls in here.... well except for you!' And that makes me smile. Big brother is at WEM so I end up leaving with him and we go and get groceries. I tell B I'll text him when I get back downtown to go play Pokémon. When I finally get home it starts pouring rain and I'm a little sad because I do want to go out still and wait out the rain. When it stops I grab my phone and see I missed a text from B.
You left FB again?
P and I are going to see a movie in 10 minutes. We just decided this so sorry for the short notice.
My eyes water a little bit. I don't really recall B saying Sorry to me very often. And that he noticed I left FB (which I'm sure was bound to happen because I was in a group chat with him).
I text him back a few hours later telling him about the bad panic attack and that I wouldn't have made the movie but if they go out after, to let me know. A few hours pass and I think they just decide to do their own thing when I do get a text from B who says they are at the leg grounds. I debated if I should go, or if I should just go to bed and I am genuinely leaning towards the latter when I end up surprisingly going to leg. I'm walking there in my incognito clothing when B bikes past me, does a double take, realizes its me and says Geezus you're like a flippin ninja. I laugh because it's true and no one actually knows. P is also with him and we are walking around when he leaves to catch something and leaves B and I alone.
Are you feeling better?
I was actually a little surprised he asked me, I thought the leg text was his acknowledgement and he just didn't want to bring anything up. I sheepishly laugh and say yeah, and then go into a little bit of detail. It's not a serious conversation but when he's walking me home (okay he's actually walking to get Pokestops) he says to me, I always thought you were doing good for the last little while but I guess I don't know everything. And I tell him 'That's what I always think too". He drops me off at the condo and I walk up and for the first time I look back to see if he's still there.
He is. But most likely catching a Pokémon. Ha-ha/*single tear.
Monday, yesterday, after I get off work I go home and take a nap. Dead tired. When I get up I want to go out because its such a nice day, but I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I end up *nerd alert* going out to hatch some 10km Pokeggs. So I get on my bike for the first time since I almost flipped over the handlebars and bike to KW. I get there and walk around a little bit when I get a phone call. I have a feeling I know who it is. Who else would call me around this time?
And it is.
Hi B.
Hey what are you doing?
.....I don't want to tell you.......
*laughs* Where are you? I'll totally come and play!
I have some 10k eggs to hatch so I biked to Kingsway.
*laughs louder* oh my god you're so nerdy now, I love it. Okay I'll come meet you.
And that's the story of how I spent the next 6 hours playing Pokémon with Supercrush.
I wanted to drop some sweets off to my grandparents so we biked over to Chinatown and popped in.
Grandparent's never remember B, but are always happy to have visitors. B tells me he likes my grandpa and that he's funny. And then we bike to the leg and meet up with Polish Guy. I still have like 3km to go before my eggs hatch so I'm booking it on my own. Polish Guy is stealing my dual battery pack again and we are wandering off together before he has to leave for work. I find B and its almost midnight. He asks if I want to go home or keep going. I laugh and ask what does he think. (lawl) So we get biking again and he ends up going to grab something to eat and we just sit in the parking lot and chat for a bit while he eats.
It was nice.
After that B asked if I needed him to bike me home, to which I said no and then he told me the best way to get home and then we said bye.
I always feel like I let a load off my chest when I write out my day. It's so silly. But it feels like a little bit of the crush disappears after this.
Also. Right before I went to bed Polish Guy texted me You are so sweet when you sleep.
Also it is 2pm on Tuesday and Polish Guy just texted me asking if I'm at work....
Monday, July 18, 2016
Pikachu I Choose You
But ya'll never choose me :(
I have a crush on Supercrush again. GAH. Happens every year after he breaks up with his girlfriends. It's either that or I like hanging out when it's just him and not a group of people. It's like a date but without the gf/bf strings.
Gah....
I noticed it developing during Victoria Day Long Weekend, when B asked me to go to Canmore with him and his friends. He kinda seemed to watch out for me when I was off my kilter.
Soooooo. During the July 1st Long Weekend I went out with Supercrush and Polish Guy and Polish Guys friend. I ended up being the only girl there that night and.... I dunno, I still act weird around Polish Guy. That's his fault for turning out to be a dick. Anyways I'm kinda dancing doing my own thing sometimes he comes up to dance with me.... but not really..... I dunno. Later on in the night he's getting pretty tipsy. He comes up to actually dance with me when Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss a Thing song comes on. He gives me a big hug and lifts me off the floor. My skirt lifts up.... I flash the entire bar..... Great. I'm kinda Happy, but I know he's just tipsy. Maybe about half an hour later I turn around and I see him making out with a girl on the dance floor.
I quickly look away.
I continue dancing and tell my self. Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.
I see him leave the club holding the hand of a girl.
Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.
I'm kinda sad. Of course. But Polish Guy gets kicked out of the bar and that's the end of the night. Except everyone wants to go eat. B asks if I wanna go and I say sure, him and I walk off to his car and he drives us to All Happy.
I post something on the car ride there to IG/FB:
One Day Someone is Going to Hug You so Hard That All of Your Broken Pieces Will Stick Back Together Again.
We get to All Happy first and grab a table while waiting for everyone to get here B says "I can't believe I didn't get a girl's number tonight. EVERYBODY got a girls number tonight. Did P(olish Guy) get a girl's number?!!!" And I say, he probably did because he made out with a girl. B is ecstatic. Polish guy get's here and B goes "YOOOOOOOO, you made out with a girl ?!!!! NICE !!!" and goes for a fist bump. I'm pretending not to pay attention but I can hear Polish Guy sounds a little uneasy, "....well yeah, but it was nothing, I saw her making out with a lot of guys after". And then he refused to fist bump B. And then maybe like 5 minutes later his other friend goes, "Oh, so and so was there, you like her right, did you get her number?" Again I'm pretending not to pay attention, but I can see him out of the corner of my eye wave his hand like Don't wanna talk about it right now. And he's pretty quiet for the rest of the night.
After we wrap up at All Happy, B goes to give us a ride home. There are 3 big guys and me and I know it is not gonna work if I sit in the front seat of B's 2 door Jeep. So I sit in the back seat with Polish Guy and his friend. Polish guy does not let me sit on the outside even though I tell him I get off first. He pretends to grab my hand.... is kinda chatty. B pulls up to my condo but Polish guy doesn't budge to let me out. So, I do what any normal independent girl will do and I climb out through the middle and over the front seat. Polish Guy laughs and says "I see your buuuuuuuuutt !!!" and I'm pretty embarrassed because I totally forgot how immobile this dress makes me. I just wave bye and Polish Guy shouts back at me "It is a very pretty butt !!!"
And... that kinda cancelled out the bummed out feeling.... Even though G told me I was letting him off the hook for being a whore. :S
Saturday rolls around and B calls me up and asks if I wanna go hang out around Whyte. Sure ! I tell him I accidentally flashed half the bar and P & T yesterday and he say's he's jealous. We walk to Café Mosaics and sit down, when his parents text him and ask if he wants to join for lunch. But we just ordered, so I suggest to get the food from Mosaics to-go and meet his parents at wherever they are. And that is what we do. B pays for my meal and we meet up with his mom and dad at Urban Diner. I really like his parents. They're just so chatty and really fun and easy going. It reminds me of my family before I-don't-know-what happened. His mom keeps bugging him about his dating life and when he's gonna get married. I'm kinda jealous because they are so open. Anyways, his dad pays for the meal, I say thank you and we take off. On the way back to B's car he says "Either my parents really like you, or they really want me to get married." I can feel the crush developing.
That night I go out again. And.... I'm a dummy but I get really dressed up. Dress, Heels, Make up and I put on Long Hair. (In my defense I had just helped B assemble a dozen curtains and didn't have time to shower/do my hair/become ungreasy). B comes to pick me up and says I look really nice. I literally want the Polish Guy to eat his heart out.
But of course, I don't even register on his radar. He looked right past me and didn't even acknowledge me. In fact. He leaves to go to another bar and I don't see him for almost the rest of the night. And I just sit there high as a kite, dumbfounded..... Anyways, B tells me to come dance, so I dance. It's a weird night. I really don't want to go home so B keeps me out. We go to someone else house but the plan fails, he drives me back home and says to me "You look really nice tonight, I'm really surprised nobody hit on you." Crush develops further. Is he just being nice? But so as I'm about to get out of the car Polish guy texts him and wants to keep partying. So. We all go to B's place and watch a movie. High High High. Polish Guy still barely says a word to me. Everyone eventually starts passing out and B tells us all to go home. As we are all leaving I hold the door open for all the guys. (To me, this is a very normal thing for me to do). No big deal, everyone files through...... Except Polish Guy. I'm waiting for him and turn around and he is standing there because he still refuses to let me hold the door open for him. A habit of his since the first time I met him. So he tells me to go first, and I do. I'm about to walk home because I'm just a few blocks away, and they all tell me no... yadda yadda.... so I just catch a ride with them. As I get out of the car and walk up the stairs Polish guy shouts at me.
HEY. Have a good night.
And I say bye.
Such a completely different guy from the day before. I'm kinda bummed :(
Now it's a couple weeks later.
I'm out with J playing Tennis. I get a tag on FB and find out Supercrush got his nose broken while taking his Belt Test. He can't drive his vehicle home because the doctor gave him morphine and wants to see if I'm free to drive him back. I kinda caught the message late and someone else has helped him out so I let time pass. When J and I wrap up I send B a message asking if he wants me to drop off some food to him. He says he already ate but he could go for a coffee. I reply, "I was thinking you were incapacitated and might need food. If you are alright then I might stop over later on, then." He calls me a silly girl. (Which actually I find very endearing!) I'm coming back dwtn when he tells me to hurry up because Polish Guy is on the way down to pick him up. So..... I basically drop all my groceries and extra bags off at home and scoot over in my sweaty work out clothes and shiny face. By the time I get there Polish Guy is already there and invited B and me over to his parent's place for dinner..... I really shoulda just gone home by that time, but I didn't and I tagged along. Polish Guy's mom and grandma are so cute. I'm more jealous that my family isn't like this. I'm beginning to realize maybe my family is the abnormal one..... P's gramma tells him that I'm really pretty (even though I'm in gym clothes and have sweated my eyebrows off). I'm super flattered and feel kinda happy. Everybody knows grandma's don't butter things up !!! Anyways, I was super quiet because it was a lot of new people in an uncomfortable surrounding. All the guys decide to go out again and I do not wish to go because I have no eyebrows (also I just didn't want to go out really). All the boys go to Prive and I just walk home. 'If you guys go to Common, lemme know and I'll come out'. I was actually serious and got semi-ready but by 1:30am I figured they weren't going anymore so I just changed and went to bed.
I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I ruin their 'Boys Nights'. So I think I might stay in a bit more now. It's not like it's that fun anyways. Seeing my 2 crushes hit on girls and sometimes make out with them. I can't drink alcohol and I can't afford food. Why am I doing this anyways ?!!!
And so I return to my original crush, Supercrush. We did originally meet on a dating website. He's the one that reminded me. And he did try to kiss me on his birthday a few years ago. Aaaaaaaah aaaaaaaah I don't know! Sometimes he says things to me that make me like him again.
I've been told I'm a good kisser.
Is that something you tell female friends?
Yesterday I was in Sunday denial. Refused to believe the weekend was over and that I would have to go back to work today. So I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out. He initially said no but then his plans got cancelled and we ended up going to the U to catch Pokémon. (Don't roll your eyes at me!). We walked around for almost 2 hours catching Pokémon. We kinda wandered off the usual path and he said, "This would be a nice place to take someone on a date" and then "Oh, this is where I first kissed Nara." The worst part is, I refuse to DL Pokémon Go so I kept watching over his shoulder/ leaning in really closely to see the screen and it flashed in my mind how awesome it would have been if he just leaned over and kissed me while I was doing that......
ACK !!! I think I'm just over thinking things. I always manage to screw things up !! PBC, UPS Man, Polish Guy. I love having B as a friend, single or not. I dunno what I would do if we stopped being friends....
We went out for dinner after at my suggestion and when the bill came we were gonna split it, but the server forgot and just rang everything on my credit card so I just paid for dinner. I kinda wanted to but wasn't sure, so I just took it as a sign. I think he kinda felt bad after because he mentioned it a few times, but we went for ice cream after and he paid for that.
Oh nooooooooooo. I think I might do something stupid again.
CRAP.
I have a crush on Supercrush again. GAH. Happens every year after he breaks up with his girlfriends. It's either that or I like hanging out when it's just him and not a group of people. It's like a date but without the gf/bf strings.
Gah....
I noticed it developing during Victoria Day Long Weekend, when B asked me to go to Canmore with him and his friends. He kinda seemed to watch out for me when I was off my kilter.
Soooooo. During the July 1st Long Weekend I went out with Supercrush and Polish Guy and Polish Guys friend. I ended up being the only girl there that night and.... I dunno, I still act weird around Polish Guy. That's his fault for turning out to be a dick. Anyways I'm kinda dancing doing my own thing sometimes he comes up to dance with me.... but not really..... I dunno. Later on in the night he's getting pretty tipsy. He comes up to actually dance with me when Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss a Thing song comes on. He gives me a big hug and lifts me off the floor. My skirt lifts up.... I flash the entire bar..... Great. I'm kinda Happy, but I know he's just tipsy. Maybe about half an hour later I turn around and I see him making out with a girl on the dance floor.
I quickly look away.
I continue dancing and tell my self. Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.
I see him leave the club holding the hand of a girl.
Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.
I'm kinda sad. Of course. But Polish Guy gets kicked out of the bar and that's the end of the night. Except everyone wants to go eat. B asks if I wanna go and I say sure, him and I walk off to his car and he drives us to All Happy.
I post something on the car ride there to IG/FB:
One Day Someone is Going to Hug You so Hard That All of Your Broken Pieces Will Stick Back Together Again.
We get to All Happy first and grab a table while waiting for everyone to get here B says "I can't believe I didn't get a girl's number tonight. EVERYBODY got a girls number tonight. Did P(olish Guy) get a girl's number?!!!" And I say, he probably did because he made out with a girl. B is ecstatic. Polish guy get's here and B goes "YOOOOOOOO, you made out with a girl ?!!!! NICE !!!" and goes for a fist bump. I'm pretending not to pay attention but I can hear Polish Guy sounds a little uneasy, "....well yeah, but it was nothing, I saw her making out with a lot of guys after". And then he refused to fist bump B. And then maybe like 5 minutes later his other friend goes, "Oh, so and so was there, you like her right, did you get her number?" Again I'm pretending not to pay attention, but I can see him out of the corner of my eye wave his hand like Don't wanna talk about it right now. And he's pretty quiet for the rest of the night.
After we wrap up at All Happy, B goes to give us a ride home. There are 3 big guys and me and I know it is not gonna work if I sit in the front seat of B's 2 door Jeep. So I sit in the back seat with Polish Guy and his friend. Polish guy does not let me sit on the outside even though I tell him I get off first. He pretends to grab my hand.... is kinda chatty. B pulls up to my condo but Polish guy doesn't budge to let me out. So, I do what any normal independent girl will do and I climb out through the middle and over the front seat. Polish Guy laughs and says "I see your buuuuuuuuutt !!!" and I'm pretty embarrassed because I totally forgot how immobile this dress makes me. I just wave bye and Polish Guy shouts back at me "It is a very pretty butt !!!"
And... that kinda cancelled out the bummed out feeling.... Even though G told me I was letting him off the hook for being a whore. :S
Saturday rolls around and B calls me up and asks if I wanna go hang out around Whyte. Sure ! I tell him I accidentally flashed half the bar and P & T yesterday and he say's he's jealous. We walk to Café Mosaics and sit down, when his parents text him and ask if he wants to join for lunch. But we just ordered, so I suggest to get the food from Mosaics to-go and meet his parents at wherever they are. And that is what we do. B pays for my meal and we meet up with his mom and dad at Urban Diner. I really like his parents. They're just so chatty and really fun and easy going. It reminds me of my family before I-don't-know-what happened. His mom keeps bugging him about his dating life and when he's gonna get married. I'm kinda jealous because they are so open. Anyways, his dad pays for the meal, I say thank you and we take off. On the way back to B's car he says "Either my parents really like you, or they really want me to get married." I can feel the crush developing.
That night I go out again. And.... I'm a dummy but I get really dressed up. Dress, Heels, Make up and I put on Long Hair. (In my defense I had just helped B assemble a dozen curtains and didn't have time to shower/do my hair/become ungreasy). B comes to pick me up and says I look really nice. I literally want the Polish Guy to eat his heart out.
But of course, I don't even register on his radar. He looked right past me and didn't even acknowledge me. In fact. He leaves to go to another bar and I don't see him for almost the rest of the night. And I just sit there high as a kite, dumbfounded..... Anyways, B tells me to come dance, so I dance. It's a weird night. I really don't want to go home so B keeps me out. We go to someone else house but the plan fails, he drives me back home and says to me "You look really nice tonight, I'm really surprised nobody hit on you." Crush develops further. Is he just being nice? But so as I'm about to get out of the car Polish guy texts him and wants to keep partying. So. We all go to B's place and watch a movie. High High High. Polish Guy still barely says a word to me. Everyone eventually starts passing out and B tells us all to go home. As we are all leaving I hold the door open for all the guys. (To me, this is a very normal thing for me to do). No big deal, everyone files through...... Except Polish Guy. I'm waiting for him and turn around and he is standing there because he still refuses to let me hold the door open for him. A habit of his since the first time I met him. So he tells me to go first, and I do. I'm about to walk home because I'm just a few blocks away, and they all tell me no... yadda yadda.... so I just catch a ride with them. As I get out of the car and walk up the stairs Polish guy shouts at me.
HEY. Have a good night.
And I say bye.
Such a completely different guy from the day before. I'm kinda bummed :(
Now it's a couple weeks later.
I'm out with J playing Tennis. I get a tag on FB and find out Supercrush got his nose broken while taking his Belt Test. He can't drive his vehicle home because the doctor gave him morphine and wants to see if I'm free to drive him back. I kinda caught the message late and someone else has helped him out so I let time pass. When J and I wrap up I send B a message asking if he wants me to drop off some food to him. He says he already ate but he could go for a coffee. I reply, "I was thinking you were incapacitated and might need food. If you are alright then I might stop over later on, then." He calls me a silly girl. (Which actually I find very endearing!) I'm coming back dwtn when he tells me to hurry up because Polish Guy is on the way down to pick him up. So..... I basically drop all my groceries and extra bags off at home and scoot over in my sweaty work out clothes and shiny face. By the time I get there Polish Guy is already there and invited B and me over to his parent's place for dinner..... I really shoulda just gone home by that time, but I didn't and I tagged along. Polish Guy's mom and grandma are so cute. I'm more jealous that my family isn't like this. I'm beginning to realize maybe my family is the abnormal one..... P's gramma tells him that I'm really pretty (even though I'm in gym clothes and have sweated my eyebrows off). I'm super flattered and feel kinda happy. Everybody knows grandma's don't butter things up !!! Anyways, I was super quiet because it was a lot of new people in an uncomfortable surrounding. All the guys decide to go out again and I do not wish to go because I have no eyebrows (also I just didn't want to go out really). All the boys go to Prive and I just walk home. 'If you guys go to Common, lemme know and I'll come out'. I was actually serious and got semi-ready but by 1:30am I figured they weren't going anymore so I just changed and went to bed.
I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I ruin their 'Boys Nights'. So I think I might stay in a bit more now. It's not like it's that fun anyways. Seeing my 2 crushes hit on girls and sometimes make out with them. I can't drink alcohol and I can't afford food. Why am I doing this anyways ?!!!
And so I return to my original crush, Supercrush. We did originally meet on a dating website. He's the one that reminded me. And he did try to kiss me on his birthday a few years ago. Aaaaaaaah aaaaaaaah I don't know! Sometimes he says things to me that make me like him again.
I've been told I'm a good kisser.
Is that something you tell female friends?
Yesterday I was in Sunday denial. Refused to believe the weekend was over and that I would have to go back to work today. So I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out. He initially said no but then his plans got cancelled and we ended up going to the U to catch Pokémon. (Don't roll your eyes at me!). We walked around for almost 2 hours catching Pokémon. We kinda wandered off the usual path and he said, "This would be a nice place to take someone on a date" and then "Oh, this is where I first kissed Nara." The worst part is, I refuse to DL Pokémon Go so I kept watching over his shoulder/ leaning in really closely to see the screen and it flashed in my mind how awesome it would have been if he just leaned over and kissed me while I was doing that......
ACK !!! I think I'm just over thinking things. I always manage to screw things up !! PBC, UPS Man, Polish Guy. I love having B as a friend, single or not. I dunno what I would do if we stopped being friends....
We went out for dinner after at my suggestion and when the bill came we were gonna split it, but the server forgot and just rang everything on my credit card so I just paid for dinner. I kinda wanted to but wasn't sure, so I just took it as a sign. I think he kinda felt bad after because he mentioned it a few times, but we went for ice cream after and he paid for that.
Oh nooooooooooo. I think I might do something stupid again.
CRAP.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
When the Dust Settles
It's a bit calmer than I thought I would be.
That's good I guess.
Mom and Dad are temporarily staying with me because of the fire in Fort McMurray. Thats 3 fire evacuee's that have moved into this 850 sq/foot condo in under a year.
Fire is just not my friend.
Somewhat funny because being burned alive was one of my worst fears as a child.
May was a real whirlwind. I took one week off from the FH before I started my new job. I thought I would get to tidy up the condo and run errands, tie up loose ends and just relax. That didn't happen because my parents ended up coming up.
When I heard they were getting evacuated and saw images of my hometown on fire I felt really weird. It was sentimental. Recognizing landmarks and places and signs and buildings. I was really worried for my parents because they were asked to pick up my cousins and also 2 distant relatives who were non stop complaining the entire drive up to their evacuation site. I remember asking my mom if they had enough fuel, and my mom said yes, but they were running low on food. I remember thinking, I wish they didn't pick up the 2 older people. I just thought how they were eating up the food and probably stressing out my dad. I wished they weren't there.
I watch too many zombie outbreak shows.
Anyways. They made it to one of the oilsand evacuation camps and stayed there a couple days before being flown out to Edmonton.
I remember being really happy and emotional to see them.
And then all the things. All the Things. There were just so many people and things and noises at the condo. I couldn't go into a room without hearing talking, or the tv, or the radio, or my mom complaining or nagging. There was so much stuff everywhere. My mom was hoarding toothpaste and shampoo and deodorant and razors. Stuff that would take even a family months to use. But when I tried to find her clothes or bought her things she would yell. I just wanted a quiet place. Even B and T asked me if I was okay because I just didn't want to talk when I saw them.
But. Things are a lot better now. My mom's helping clean up (what she can) and things have kinda settled down. They new job is really really good too. I like it so far. It's kinda slow and boring sometimes and I know they won't load me up with work because I'm new and a student, yadda yadda yadda, but it's way WAY less stressful than the funeral home. Super ironic, because I thought it would be about the same. The learning curve isn't as steep and there are a lot of people I can ask for help and questions. And the huge bonus is I haven't had any anxiety yet. No jolting awake in cold sweats and racing hearts at 4am.
So yeah, work is good ~
And then there's the Pole. Stupid Polish guy. I hate you. But you smell so GD nice.
I don't remember if I've mentioned anything but B tried to set me up with his Polish friend. There was a big Asshole Incident in January and then the Nice Guy Incident in March, and then then I Have a Crush on You Incident in April, and then the Asshole Incident II in May.
*sigh*
Long story short I thought he was interested in me because he would always come to see me and buy me lunches or dinners and we would go for walks at night time and he wouldn't let me go home. A couple times we went out clubbing and he would hold my hand while I was tipsy, and we re-enacted the scene from Crazy Stupid Love and then I started liking him.
And of course because I started liking him it went downhill from there. Inevitable, right.
He started ignoring me and stopped seeing me. I asked him to come to a club for my friends bday and he ignored me and went to another one instead. I nosedived and cried that night and when I asked B why he did that to me, B replied:
P doesn't want to date you, I think he wants to sleep around.
I felt so sad. This was exactly the opposite of what Polish Guy had said to me. And kinda the reason I liked him. He was a super old fashioned gentleman. At least that's what he told me too. Always held the door for me, offered his hand when I was going down stairs, gave me hugs and woulda kissed my hand had I let him. But, it all sounded like a lie after Asshole Incident II. Why didn't he say something to my face instead of ignoring me? Such a jerk. I ended up texting him a long message couple days later and then he called me and said there was a misunderstanding and he wanted to see me to clear things up. For some reason when I heard that I felt relieved. He was just going to tell me I misunderstood things and buy me an ice cream.
But of course that's not how my life rolls. He told me B conveyed the wrong idea to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to date me, specifically. It was just that he decided he didn't want to date, period. He was too busy and yadda yadda yadda. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I was still pretty 'blah' from my parents being evacuated. He walked me home and kept rubbing my back and telling me to smile and trying to cheer me up, but I just had no emotion. Why am I even surprised this happened, I kept thinking. I should have seen it coming. He even gave me the whole You are so smart and beautiful/I just don't have time to date - schpeel. Even right now, 2 weeks later, I don't know how to take that conversation. Whatever he was trying to say, I took it as I'm not interested in you. I haven't texted him and he hasn't attempted to text me either. I would have been really sad, except a couple days later my parents came out and that really helped distract me. I guess I should say 'Thanks' for catching me.
I did see him this Saturday at The Common though. N was in town and she really wanted to go to Golden Era, and I guess he was there for another friend's bday. He did come up to say Hi to me and said I looked nice, and later on he came over to dance. I still can't get over how good he smells so of course I was a little nervous. But my heart still hurts and I'm still a little mad at him so I was pretty Jerk-ish to him. He left without saying bye to me, so who knows.
If someone wanted to stay in your life, They would make the effort to.
That's good I guess.
Mom and Dad are temporarily staying with me because of the fire in Fort McMurray. Thats 3 fire evacuee's that have moved into this 850 sq/foot condo in under a year.
Fire is just not my friend.
Somewhat funny because being burned alive was one of my worst fears as a child.
May was a real whirlwind. I took one week off from the FH before I started my new job. I thought I would get to tidy up the condo and run errands, tie up loose ends and just relax. That didn't happen because my parents ended up coming up.
When I heard they were getting evacuated and saw images of my hometown on fire I felt really weird. It was sentimental. Recognizing landmarks and places and signs and buildings. I was really worried for my parents because they were asked to pick up my cousins and also 2 distant relatives who were non stop complaining the entire drive up to their evacuation site. I remember asking my mom if they had enough fuel, and my mom said yes, but they were running low on food. I remember thinking, I wish they didn't pick up the 2 older people. I just thought how they were eating up the food and probably stressing out my dad. I wished they weren't there.
I watch too many zombie outbreak shows.
Anyways. They made it to one of the oilsand evacuation camps and stayed there a couple days before being flown out to Edmonton.
I remember being really happy and emotional to see them.
And then all the things. All the Things. There were just so many people and things and noises at the condo. I couldn't go into a room without hearing talking, or the tv, or the radio, or my mom complaining or nagging. There was so much stuff everywhere. My mom was hoarding toothpaste and shampoo and deodorant and razors. Stuff that would take even a family months to use. But when I tried to find her clothes or bought her things she would yell. I just wanted a quiet place. Even B and T asked me if I was okay because I just didn't want to talk when I saw them.
But. Things are a lot better now. My mom's helping clean up (what she can) and things have kinda settled down. They new job is really really good too. I like it so far. It's kinda slow and boring sometimes and I know they won't load me up with work because I'm new and a student, yadda yadda yadda, but it's way WAY less stressful than the funeral home. Super ironic, because I thought it would be about the same. The learning curve isn't as steep and there are a lot of people I can ask for help and questions. And the huge bonus is I haven't had any anxiety yet. No jolting awake in cold sweats and racing hearts at 4am.
So yeah, work is good ~
And then there's the Pole. Stupid Polish guy. I hate you. But you smell so GD nice.
I don't remember if I've mentioned anything but B tried to set me up with his Polish friend. There was a big Asshole Incident in January and then the Nice Guy Incident in March, and then then I Have a Crush on You Incident in April, and then the Asshole Incident II in May.
*sigh*
Long story short I thought he was interested in me because he would always come to see me and buy me lunches or dinners and we would go for walks at night time and he wouldn't let me go home. A couple times we went out clubbing and he would hold my hand while I was tipsy, and we re-enacted the scene from Crazy Stupid Love and then I started liking him.
And of course because I started liking him it went downhill from there. Inevitable, right.
He started ignoring me and stopped seeing me. I asked him to come to a club for my friends bday and he ignored me and went to another one instead. I nosedived and cried that night and when I asked B why he did that to me, B replied:
P doesn't want to date you, I think he wants to sleep around.
I felt so sad. This was exactly the opposite of what Polish Guy had said to me. And kinda the reason I liked him. He was a super old fashioned gentleman. At least that's what he told me too. Always held the door for me, offered his hand when I was going down stairs, gave me hugs and woulda kissed my hand had I let him. But, it all sounded like a lie after Asshole Incident II. Why didn't he say something to my face instead of ignoring me? Such a jerk. I ended up texting him a long message couple days later and then he called me and said there was a misunderstanding and he wanted to see me to clear things up. For some reason when I heard that I felt relieved. He was just going to tell me I misunderstood things and buy me an ice cream.
But of course that's not how my life rolls. He told me B conveyed the wrong idea to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to date me, specifically. It was just that he decided he didn't want to date, period. He was too busy and yadda yadda yadda. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I was still pretty 'blah' from my parents being evacuated. He walked me home and kept rubbing my back and telling me to smile and trying to cheer me up, but I just had no emotion. Why am I even surprised this happened, I kept thinking. I should have seen it coming. He even gave me the whole You are so smart and beautiful/I just don't have time to date - schpeel. Even right now, 2 weeks later, I don't know how to take that conversation. Whatever he was trying to say, I took it as I'm not interested in you. I haven't texted him and he hasn't attempted to text me either. I would have been really sad, except a couple days later my parents came out and that really helped distract me. I guess I should say 'Thanks' for catching me.
I did see him this Saturday at The Common though. N was in town and she really wanted to go to Golden Era, and I guess he was there for another friend's bday. He did come up to say Hi to me and said I looked nice, and later on he came over to dance. I still can't get over how good he smells so of course I was a little nervous. But my heart still hurts and I'm still a little mad at him so I was pretty Jerk-ish to him. He left without saying bye to me, so who knows.
If someone wanted to stay in your life, They would make the effort to.
Monday, March 21, 2016
The story of my love life
I should have my own tv show.
A mix of here comes Honey Boo-Boo and The Bachelorette.
:S
So. B tried to set me up with a friend of his.
Kinda.
Since school started I haven't really gone out much. I'll blame work and school, and also I'm old and I hate going out with large groups of people. I've gone out a handful of times with B and once we bumped into a new group of friends of his at Steel Wheels. Didn't really think much.
The next time it was B's Birthday and T and I met up with him at El Cortez. All his new friends were there, and specifically one of the really tall, Caucasian guys, who I met last time was being really chatty with me. He kept asking me to dance and hanging around. Asked to take a selfie with me.... etc etc. I thought he was really cute..... Anyways closer to the end of the night he asked for my number so he could send me the photo he took. And, I gave it to him.
Well. actually I texted him on the spot because thats how I always trade numbers.
I saw him get it, and he never replied. No big deal, he was right in front of me.
And this this other random Asian guy swooped right in and was like Ooh, trading numbers! So... he got my number too.
I had to leave early because I worked the next day, and really only came out because it was B's birthday. Tall guy gives me a little frowny face and says bye. End of the night.
I kinda thought he was going to text me but nothing every happened. His Asian friend, on the other hand started texting me non stop, to the point where I stopped replying. I wasn't really interested in him, and to be honest hadn't really talked to him at all.
Anyways.... so fast forward to a couple weeks. I ask B if he wants to go skating, because he had brought it up. Sure! A few days before he tells me that he is bringing a date. So then, I'm all like, aw FUCK. How annoying, I just wanna skate with my friends, not be a third flipping wheel. So I called J, up to see if she would come with me. Problem solved. Skating night comes, and B calls me up and tells me Tall Guy is going to be coming too...... Oh.... Great. Now this is going to be super awkward because I asked J, to come. But also, I didn't really realize B was trying to set up a double date. So, I get picked up and everyone is in the car. We all realize TG doesn't have skates....... and I ask J if there are rentals, and she says no..... So... what is the solo guy with no skates gonna do at the skating ring? We get there and there really are no skates. I say, what should we do and TG keeps saying to just go-go-go don't worry about him. I ask B if we can go somewhere else with rentals, he doesn't really want to go. I say I don't really want to go skating if we all can't go..... TG just says go-go-go and B goes.... I don't really know what to do and J is waiting for me and the guy disappears so...... I go. We skate for about 45 minutes and I don't see him anywhere. Literally has disappeared. It starts getting late and B wants to go and eat. I don't. I want to go home. So I leave with J. TG calls B and he has somehow made it to whyte/Steel Wheels. He went out to look for skates. I tell B to say bye to him. And we split up.
Later that night, I text the guy. 'Bring skates, next time!!!" I say ! He replies "I will! I hope you aren't mad at me and you had a good time." I reply back "B was going to rent too, but ended up buying some last minute" And then... he stopped replying. I dunno. I guess maybe I was mad, but I was more mad at B doing this unexpectedly last minute.
So.... he didn't reply. A week later B and I went skating at the Leg grounds. While walking there he said to me "So.... you're not interested in P are you?" And I sigh "He think's I'm a bitch doesn't he?". B replies "Probably" And then I get a little upset.
Wait what.... He thinks I'm not interested in Him?!!! How about try the other way around? I texted him and I tried to figure something out so he could come skating too, and he never replied back to me..... How am I the bitch? Then B goes on to tell me he went on a date with his other friend and they are in mad like. I feel really sad...... What am I doing wrong again? Like... I thought I was trying, and I come across as a bitch? I felt really really sad......
And I fell into a slump for a couple weeks. Retribution for ignoring the Asian guy, probably......
But, so the guy is seeing someone else, and apparently having the time of his life, I hear. Leave it, what am I gonna do.
Fast forward again to last Friday. B calls me up and asks if I want to see a movie. Yeah, its Friday and its not super late, I'll be home early and not be grumpy. Cool Sure I'll go. I make it to ECC and B remembers he actually can't catch a movie because he had other plans. Eeeeeeeh, thats fine I had to go to the bank anyways. So we just walk around and are about to leave when B gets a call. I'm listening an it is TG. He's actually a couple blocks away, so.... we go to meet him......
Great, I think. This is gonna be awkward. We meet up and at least he is with another friend, showing him around the city. We just walk around, and then it turns into a little adventure of showing the guy around the city. We end up going for a small bite to eat, and its actually not that bad. I'm chattier than usual and he's still pretty friendly towards me as well.... Okay, I guess it isn't so awkward. And then... midway through the meal everyone starts talking about how great it is to be single.... (Huh... I thought he was seeing someone). But he looks at me and says we're all single!!! and High Fives me..... Oh okay.... And then when the bill comes he grabs it and pays for everyone.....Something about not letting a girl pay.... I try and put in some money, but B ends up taking the cash and paying by credit card.... I must have gotten confused by this, because I didn't even thank the guy and said thanks to B. We go back to B's place and chat. B brings up that he'll drop me off at home before they head out to the bar and the guy gives me a little frowny face again. I do actually end up going out to the bar later because a bunch of people I know show up. TG does chat with me randomly throughout the night and says he is very happy to see me smiling. It made me kinda happy and reminded me of that saying to frown less, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
At like 12 they decide to go sing karaoke and I say I have to bail because I have assignments and work tomorrow. TG walks up to me and says why and I SWEAR he looked into the depths of my soul. I say I have to work tomorrow and smile and say it was nice to see you again. He kinda just turns on his heel and walks away.
I go home. Do my Homework. Go to Bed.
No text :(
2 days later... On Tuesday.... I realize that I never said thank you to him for paying for dinner. That I said thanks to B and B said your welcome and I thought that was that.
I debate whether or not I should text him because he hasn't exactly cared about replying back.
So I don't. But then. I go out for dinner with T and B and tell him. And they say, YOU CAN STILL SAY THANK YOU!!!!.
So, idiot fucking me texts him when I get home and I say 'I realized I didn't say thank you for buying dinner on Friday, I got confused and said thanks to B instead. Sorry!!'
And?
No reply. B thinks he's just being nice.
Fuck you Fortune Cookie, you are ruining my life.
A mix of here comes Honey Boo-Boo and The Bachelorette.
:S
So. B tried to set me up with a friend of his.
Kinda.
Since school started I haven't really gone out much. I'll blame work and school, and also I'm old and I hate going out with large groups of people. I've gone out a handful of times with B and once we bumped into a new group of friends of his at Steel Wheels. Didn't really think much.
The next time it was B's Birthday and T and I met up with him at El Cortez. All his new friends were there, and specifically one of the really tall, Caucasian guys, who I met last time was being really chatty with me. He kept asking me to dance and hanging around. Asked to take a selfie with me.... etc etc. I thought he was really cute..... Anyways closer to the end of the night he asked for my number so he could send me the photo he took. And, I gave it to him.
Well. actually I texted him on the spot because thats how I always trade numbers.
I saw him get it, and he never replied. No big deal, he was right in front of me.
And this this other random Asian guy swooped right in and was like Ooh, trading numbers! So... he got my number too.
I had to leave early because I worked the next day, and really only came out because it was B's birthday. Tall guy gives me a little frowny face and says bye. End of the night.
I kinda thought he was going to text me but nothing every happened. His Asian friend, on the other hand started texting me non stop, to the point where I stopped replying. I wasn't really interested in him, and to be honest hadn't really talked to him at all.
Anyways.... so fast forward to a couple weeks. I ask B if he wants to go skating, because he had brought it up. Sure! A few days before he tells me that he is bringing a date. So then, I'm all like, aw FUCK. How annoying, I just wanna skate with my friends, not be a third flipping wheel. So I called J, up to see if she would come with me. Problem solved. Skating night comes, and B calls me up and tells me Tall Guy is going to be coming too...... Oh.... Great. Now this is going to be super awkward because I asked J, to come. But also, I didn't really realize B was trying to set up a double date. So, I get picked up and everyone is in the car. We all realize TG doesn't have skates....... and I ask J if there are rentals, and she says no..... So... what is the solo guy with no skates gonna do at the skating ring? We get there and there really are no skates. I say, what should we do and TG keeps saying to just go-go-go don't worry about him. I ask B if we can go somewhere else with rentals, he doesn't really want to go. I say I don't really want to go skating if we all can't go..... TG just says go-go-go and B goes.... I don't really know what to do and J is waiting for me and the guy disappears so...... I go. We skate for about 45 minutes and I don't see him anywhere. Literally has disappeared. It starts getting late and B wants to go and eat. I don't. I want to go home. So I leave with J. TG calls B and he has somehow made it to whyte/Steel Wheels. He went out to look for skates. I tell B to say bye to him. And we split up.
Later that night, I text the guy. 'Bring skates, next time!!!" I say ! He replies "I will! I hope you aren't mad at me and you had a good time." I reply back "B was going to rent too, but ended up buying some last minute" And then... he stopped replying. I dunno. I guess maybe I was mad, but I was more mad at B doing this unexpectedly last minute.
So.... he didn't reply. A week later B and I went skating at the Leg grounds. While walking there he said to me "So.... you're not interested in P are you?" And I sigh "He think's I'm a bitch doesn't he?". B replies "Probably" And then I get a little upset.
Wait what.... He thinks I'm not interested in Him?!!! How about try the other way around? I texted him and I tried to figure something out so he could come skating too, and he never replied back to me..... How am I the bitch? Then B goes on to tell me he went on a date with his other friend and they are in mad like. I feel really sad...... What am I doing wrong again? Like... I thought I was trying, and I come across as a bitch? I felt really really sad......
And I fell into a slump for a couple weeks. Retribution for ignoring the Asian guy, probably......
But, so the guy is seeing someone else, and apparently having the time of his life, I hear. Leave it, what am I gonna do.
Fast forward again to last Friday. B calls me up and asks if I want to see a movie. Yeah, its Friday and its not super late, I'll be home early and not be grumpy. Cool Sure I'll go. I make it to ECC and B remembers he actually can't catch a movie because he had other plans. Eeeeeeeh, thats fine I had to go to the bank anyways. So we just walk around and are about to leave when B gets a call. I'm listening an it is TG. He's actually a couple blocks away, so.... we go to meet him......
Great, I think. This is gonna be awkward. We meet up and at least he is with another friend, showing him around the city. We just walk around, and then it turns into a little adventure of showing the guy around the city. We end up going for a small bite to eat, and its actually not that bad. I'm chattier than usual and he's still pretty friendly towards me as well.... Okay, I guess it isn't so awkward. And then... midway through the meal everyone starts talking about how great it is to be single.... (Huh... I thought he was seeing someone). But he looks at me and says we're all single!!! and High Fives me..... Oh okay.... And then when the bill comes he grabs it and pays for everyone.....Something about not letting a girl pay.... I try and put in some money, but B ends up taking the cash and paying by credit card.... I must have gotten confused by this, because I didn't even thank the guy and said thanks to B. We go back to B's place and chat. B brings up that he'll drop me off at home before they head out to the bar and the guy gives me a little frowny face again. I do actually end up going out to the bar later because a bunch of people I know show up. TG does chat with me randomly throughout the night and says he is very happy to see me smiling. It made me kinda happy and reminded me of that saying to frown less, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
At like 12 they decide to go sing karaoke and I say I have to bail because I have assignments and work tomorrow. TG walks up to me and says why and I SWEAR he looked into the depths of my soul. I say I have to work tomorrow and smile and say it was nice to see you again. He kinda just turns on his heel and walks away.
I go home. Do my Homework. Go to Bed.
No text :(
2 days later... On Tuesday.... I realize that I never said thank you to him for paying for dinner. That I said thanks to B and B said your welcome and I thought that was that.
I debate whether or not I should text him because he hasn't exactly cared about replying back.
So I don't. But then. I go out for dinner with T and B and tell him. And they say, YOU CAN STILL SAY THANK YOU!!!!.
So, idiot fucking me texts him when I get home and I say 'I realized I didn't say thank you for buying dinner on Friday, I got confused and said thanks to B instead. Sorry!!'
And?
No reply. B thinks he's just being nice.
Fuck you Fortune Cookie, you are ruining my life.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
The Science of Forgiveness
https://youtu.be/8o9_TlZyB_Y
I've read articles and quotes about forgiveness so many times.
I know holding a grudge against someone only ruins my life. So why do I hold so much anger towards someone? It's slowly killing me.
I hate feeling sad. I hate how I look. And I hate how I come across to other people.
I want to be happy and I want to smile, and be friendly and likeable.
But.
It's not that easy. It is true. You can't just tell someone to 'Be Happy, Already'. It's not just a switch I can turn on or off.
And it's hard. I feel like Brendan and Tony are getting frustrated or annoyed with me. I feel like they don't understand what goes through my head. That I constantly feel like a failure and that nothing I do is good enough. That I'm not doing this on purpose. That I am trying. That I try really hard to snap out of slumps, but it feels like I'm trying to dig myself out of tar, that keeps pulling me back.
It's so hard.
I want to forgive.
And I want to forget everything that hurts.
And I don't know how.
I've read articles and quotes about forgiveness so many times.
I know holding a grudge against someone only ruins my life. So why do I hold so much anger towards someone? It's slowly killing me.
I hate feeling sad. I hate how I look. And I hate how I come across to other people.
I want to be happy and I want to smile, and be friendly and likeable.
But.
It's not that easy. It is true. You can't just tell someone to 'Be Happy, Already'. It's not just a switch I can turn on or off.
And it's hard. I feel like Brendan and Tony are getting frustrated or annoyed with me. I feel like they don't understand what goes through my head. That I constantly feel like a failure and that nothing I do is good enough. That I'm not doing this on purpose. That I am trying. That I try really hard to snap out of slumps, but it feels like I'm trying to dig myself out of tar, that keeps pulling me back.
It's so hard.
I want to forgive.
And I want to forget everything that hurts.
And I don't know how.
Even when I try, I still fuck up
I feel sad again.
Brendan tried setting me up with one of his friends. I tried. I tried to do everything that I could.
And he thought I wasn't interested. In fact, I think Brendan said he thought I was a snob.
I don't know what else I was supposed to have done. I texted him first. Twice. He didn't seem interested in me.
What am I doing wrong.
Why do I always fuck up.
Brendan tried setting me up with one of his friends. I tried. I tried to do everything that I could.
And he thought I wasn't interested. In fact, I think Brendan said he thought I was a snob.
I don't know what else I was supposed to have done. I texted him first. Twice. He didn't seem interested in me.
What am I doing wrong.
Why do I always fuck up.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Thoughts that Should Never Cross a Woman's Mind
Original Article found here:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/cassandra-davis/2015/01/6-thoughts-that-should-never-cross-a-womans-mind/
It wasn't just a one sided game I was playing or trying to delude myself that I was over-reacting. It mattered because Andrew implied he liked me as well and made an effort to show it. It did matter what he did in the end because it was immature and cowardly for leading me on and I guess I do have a justifiable reason to feel hurt.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/cassandra-davis/2015/01/6-thoughts-that-should-never-cross-a-womans-mind/
2. It doesn’t matter anyway. We weren’t exclusive.
All right. Hold up. Everything matters when two people express their feelings for each other. He deserves all the hatred and wrath because you deserve better. You deserve the romantic walks at midnight to look at the stars, phone calls, flowers, anniversaries, and in the end, the joy of trust. If he broke your trust and your heart, that’s all that matters.
Everything Matters....
It wasn't just a one sided game I was playing or trying to delude myself that I was over-reacting. It mattered because Andrew implied he liked me as well and made an effort to show it. It did matter what he did in the end because it was immature and cowardly for leading me on and I guess I do have a justifiable reason to feel hurt.
I believed him.
Friday, December 11, 2015
I had a dream
A silly dream.
I dreamt Andrew and I were still seeing each other and about to go watch a movie. I told him I had trouble trusting him and he got mad and walked away from me.
In dream life and real life I'm not sure if I should have apologized or not and felt bad.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Maybe I did know.
I did try harder this time. And I think you did too. So maybe you were telling me the truth that you got back together with your girlfriend. But.... I think my reaction after you told me says something as well. I sent you a message telling you I was really going to hurt. You didn't respond back. And that was it. I deleted all of our messages and knew I just didn't want to talk to you anymore. I thought I wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to me but it really shouldn't matter. I didn't want to talk to you anymore either and that's what matters most to me. That I was tired of this game, and somehow not surprised. I didn't want to fight for someone like you. I wanted the happiness that you brought me when I saw you and when we talked but.... I didn't want the pain that came with it. The small amounts of happiness you gave me just weren't worth the sadness.
I haven't dated a lot of people, but you are genuinely the only other one that would send me on a rollercoaster of emotions. The only one that caused me to doubt myself and my intentions. I know its my fault too for being so insecure.... but.... someone who cares about you should never make your insecurities grow. And.... I think realizing that is important. Doubts grow when you give them a reason to and you're lack of interest and respect for me was a big reason.
Sunday, December 06, 2015
Things I Did for You
I keep thinking I did everything wrong. That I was a horrible person to Andrew and all I did was complain. But I didn't, right? I did a lot of nice things for him. I just forget.
I said sorry for asking him to leave me alone.
I told him I liked talking to him.
I gave him 2 pairs of suspenders that I had made.
I told him he had a nice butt.
I told him he had a nice body.
I told him I liked him better than donuts.
I bought him ice cream.
I gave him cookies.
I gave him pineapple cake.
I said thank you when he brought me tea.
I said thank you when he walked me home.
I sometimes told him he was sweet
I always wanted to see him.
He knew I liked him.
I sometimes said Good Morning and Good Night.
I replied back within reasonable amounts of time.
I asked about him.
I wanted to know what he liked
I wanted to know what didn't like.
When I thought he was struggling I tried to help him.
When he told me he was getting back with his girlfriend I didn't get mad at him.
I didn't tell him he should have chosen me.
I just told him that he made me hurt.
And I just told him to grow up and treat her better.
I just wanted him to be happy.
I just wanted him to like me.
I just wanted to see him because it made me happy.
I had trouble giving you handshakes. I told you so many times that I had problems. I guess it was my fault for thinking you could accommodate me. For thinking you would understand me. I thought you were an introvert, and maybe you were, but it doesn't mean you and I were the same. I could open up to you sexually and you the same, but that was all. Both of us couldn't go any further than that. I want to think you are broken too, just like me.
But I can't depend on that.
I just need to know that I tried, and I was a good person. Someone will like me for exactly who I am one day. And they won't make me feel bad for being broken.
I miss the idea of someone
I miss the idea of Andrew.
I keep thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will text me. I keep thinking of all the things he and I did together. I keep wondering if he thought I was a bother and that's why he wanted to erase me out of his life.
I miss feeling like someone thought about me. I wish Andrew stayed.
I keep on having roller coaster emotions. In daylight and when I'm around people I'm okay, I feel like Andrew was a jerk and I see all the immature things he did. But when it gets dark and I get home and I try and study I think of him and I wish I could message him and wish he would say sorry and come over and give me a hug.
I wish he chose me.
Even though I think I knew it wasn't right. I felt really nervous around him all the time. But I just wanted him to like me. We never really talked about anything else except for sex. I wish he would start deeper conversations with me about philosophy and hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wished he would have asked me to look at the stars at night and hold my hand and want to go for a walk. But he never asked me much about myself. I always wanted to learn about him and hoped that he would teach me things he knew. But.... it just never happened.
It wasn't meant to be, C. Stop being sad. Stop missing Andrew. He was never good for you.
I keep thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will text me. I keep thinking of all the things he and I did together. I keep wondering if he thought I was a bother and that's why he wanted to erase me out of his life.
I miss feeling like someone thought about me. I wish Andrew stayed.
I keep on having roller coaster emotions. In daylight and when I'm around people I'm okay, I feel like Andrew was a jerk and I see all the immature things he did. But when it gets dark and I get home and I try and study I think of him and I wish I could message him and wish he would say sorry and come over and give me a hug.
I wish he chose me.
Even though I think I knew it wasn't right. I felt really nervous around him all the time. But I just wanted him to like me. We never really talked about anything else except for sex. I wish he would start deeper conversations with me about philosophy and hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wished he would have asked me to look at the stars at night and hold my hand and want to go for a walk. But he never asked me much about myself. I always wanted to learn about him and hoped that he would teach me things he knew. But.... it just never happened.
It wasn't meant to be, C. Stop being sad. Stop missing Andrew. He was never good for you.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Anti-Epiphany
I had an anti-epiphany in Business Law Class today. Epiphanies usually strike people at random moments and enlighten them. I called this one an anti-epiphany because it did everything except instead of enlighten it took me a step backwards.
I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.
Was I the other girl?
Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?
His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....
And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.
It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).
I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself 'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.
THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.
So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.
So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week
I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.
Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.
I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.
Was I the other girl?
Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?
His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....
And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.
It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).
I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself 'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.
THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.
So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.
So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week
I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.
Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Domo Arigato
I feel like Robot-o
I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.
It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.
A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.
I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.
I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.
I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.
I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.
Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.
I paused because I knew what he was talking about.
If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.
Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.
NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........
and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.
I messaged him because I did miss him. And I said Sorry for what I did before.
Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.
Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.
I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.
Goodbye, Andrew.
I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.
It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.
A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.
I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.
I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.
I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.
I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.
Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.
I paused because I knew what he was talking about.
If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.
Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.
NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........
and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.
I messaged him because I did miss him. And I said Sorry for what I did before.
Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.
Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.
I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.
Goodbye, Andrew.
Monday, November 23, 2015
I'll Take You're And Idiot for $1000, Alex
The answer to all last post's questions are simply this:
He was getting back together with his ex.
Oh, yes of course, what else could it have been. Silly me.
Of course I hurt. I'm going to hurt for the next few weeks.... maybe a month. I know what will happen. I'm just not looking forward to when it happens.
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