Tomorrow is going to be a bad day.
I did some really stupid things today.
But maybe let's flashback a little bit. It's been about 5 weeks since I last messaged PBC. I dunno after I spilled the beans on him and told him how bad I was doing and that I had been trying all this time to be his friend and nothing was working I decided I was going to give up. And then he said he would try and I said I don't know if I'll be able to talk to you again. And yeah, I really meant it. It was hard cause I just felt sad all the time.
So I just didn't go on FB for 2-3 weeks and then magically 5 weeks later I had made it with no contact. Of course I still thought about him but I dunno maybe the pain was fading. And I also tried to start seeing someone else so maybe that had an effect?
Except I know I still think about PBC and I miss him. I don't exactly feel any chemistry or sparks with the new lawyer like I did with PBC. PBC I just felt like I had found a long lost best friend. And the lawyer, the lawyer I dunno I guess he's attractive and he is easy to talk to. And like G says 'Whats a matter with you' for not liking a normal guy. She's right. It just feels so different.
But the last couple weeks I've been thinking about PBC a lot, going through withdrawl probably cause its the longest I've ever gone without messaging him and I logged on to see if he had messaged me, and yeah of course he did, 3 weeks ago. And I was like obviously happy that he had messaged me but I didn't want to see what he sent. And then late one night... he texted me.
I was scared cause I know he knows I prefer texting over messenger.
And he just texted to tell me "I'm leaving the province in the summer and would like the opportunity to talk to you before I leave"
And I was so happy, of course I wanted to see him. And then I started crying because why. Why do you pop up when I least expect it and when I don't need you to.
So I replied that I could see him but not right now or immediately, if possible. And he said okay and that he didn't leave until July.
Of course I wanted to see him but.... at the same time..... what could he possibly say to me? That would make me feel better, and not cry after. And so now I think I shouldn't see him. That I'm just going to stir up feelings that he can't reciprocate, so why would I put myself through this anguish again?
Flash forward to today. My brother fell through my stairs today and I'm crying laughing. I'm laughing cause it was so fucking funny after and I'm crying because its $4k to repair and that was my car fund. Fuck. Now that he's okay I can laugh but: My stairs are in pretty bad shape, they deteriorated over the winter and have been looking real bad. Well T was helping me carry groceries up today and I saw the stairs move so when he was leaving I told him to be careful. And he was like, well where should I step then? And I was like Step over there it looks safer. And he stepped exactly where I pointed and the entire step imploded and he fell through the stairs. I called my bff to tell her cause I was just in a little bit of shock cause of how 'funny/sad' the timing was and then she asked me if my doorbell came caught the incident, so I went to look and it caught it perfectly. Oh my god I was laughing so hard cause I could hear myself tell him 'Step right here' And then he did and disappeared into the void.
So I started laughing and then crying cause it was going to be a very very expensive fix.
And then I messaged Brendan. And then I messaged Coleston. And now I want to message PBC.
Whats a matter with you, right?
Brendan said he would ask around and Coleston. Lol Coleston I don't want to talk about but it ended pretty bad.
I want to talk to Curtis so bad. And I think I'm screwed because the lawyer went away for a 3 week vacation this week so I don't have him to talk to. And.
Just fuck I'm screwed. I did a lot of stupid things today I should haven't. I shouldn't have messaged Coleston and I shouldn't have opened up Curtis' messages. I should have just tucked all my feelings and everything away.
And ended things like this with never talking to him again. So he'll never get closure.
