Funny how I never learn.
I mean. I do and I don't.
I need to start learning to be stronger, setting actual boundaries and not be a push-over. Maybe stop romanticizing everything too.
This is kind of funny but I haven't written a post in over 2 years. I re-read my last 2 posts and.... oh boy. I really never learned. I went back to Coleston and..... you guessed it. We broke up again. The 'funny' thing is, I very much forgot about why we broke up before and what I was upset about. After re-reading my last posts its like..... Holy Shit, this is the EXACT same thing that happened this time. Coleston is still doing the same things over and over and over again.
I feel a mess of emotions. I feel final and content and sure that we are actually done this time. But I still feel sad and miss him. There is something chemically wrong in my brain. I know it.
I miss Sasha too, his cute nose and how he always sticks it in my face or lap or on the bed or couch to get my attention so I'll give him pets.
I dunno why I miss Coleston, too. I miss the company. Not necessarily his company. I really do think he got me to grow a lot though. I love that about him. That in the beginning he pointed out my flaws in a way that I saw what I was doing to himself and myself. That I was making myself unhappy for stupid reasons. I don't know if its good or bad that he pushed my boundaries and buttons so far that I finally realized I had some. I really, really think he tried, too. And that's why I feel a bit more content this time. He did try to make me happy, and that attempt means more to me than he'll ever know. It's so sad I cared a lot about him and the good memories I have of him I really do cherish them. I think he really tried this time, too. I tried too. But.... something just doesn't work between us. I want and expect him to be someone he is not. He can't fulfill my happiness and I can't be his either.
I guess enough about the mushy stuff and me proclaiming how much I loved him. I really do want to move on from him this time. He really is a narcissist. Looking back at my earlier posts I'm really just going to be repeating what I said 2 years ago. I'm glad that I feel happier leaving this time. I hope so anyways. It's only been a couple days. And I find myself forgetting all the steadfast reasons why I needed to leave. I was in a toxic relationship that was full of gaslighting and emotional abuse. It wasn't always, though. In fact in the first 2 months after we got back together I remember being so happy and just really trusting Coleston. About half a year after I told him to Fuck Off, he had sent me a couple messages on FB. First one in May I'm pretty sure was just cause he needed a fuck-buddy during covid. I ignored it. Second one was on my birthday and he wished be HBD. I have a super soft spot for people who remember my birthday. So.... I replied thank you. We chatted for a little bit, I still kept my guard up very very high, and eventually we got into an argument. I told him I didn't know if I could trust him, I didn't know if I'd ever let my guard down and fully commit to a relationship because I always feel like I'm just a hole you fuck. And he said, it wasn't fair to him then. He could try as hard as he could and constantly tell me No, I'm not fucking any one else. But if I was never going to trust him, then what was the point. And I agreed. Well we agreed. That he'd stop treating me like a hole to fuck and I'd do my best to be a positive influence in his life. And that he'd be open to more if things worked out. And so we patched things up. I went over to see him and the first night we didn't have sex. I just slept and cuddled with him. Things were really nice for the next little bit. I just treated him like I was actually seeing him and not just a side guy. I held his hand in public, I liked going over and making dinners. I felt pretty happy. He took me on a road trip and on NYE we even went skating and it was probably one of my happiest memories with him. When I fell down he put his hand out and helped me up and then put his hand on my back. It was the most genuine affection I had ever felt from him. A couple nights later when I was dozing off on his couch he adorably offered me a piece of choco-late? too. I can still hear his voice and it was hilarious and innocent and un-guarded. I loved that I got that out of him.
But I don't know what happened. As Coleston would say, You overthought and messed things up. But I don't think I did. Coleston would do somethings that made me validly upset and when I brought them up and asked him to stop, he basically said no. Well no, he didn't say no, he just avoided my question. Would beat around it and say things like Meh, I tried, or You should have known better, or Did it ever occur to you to ask how I was feeling? He was really good at deflecting problems and making me be the problem and him the victim. I tried really hard to respect him and think from his shoes too. It got to the point where I started letting things slide. Like when he stood me up on Valentine's Day. Coleston just wants to be in a relationship, but not have the priorities and liability of a boyfriend. Whenever I'd say something his response would be 'I'm not your boyfriend' and therefore I don't have to feel bad for fucking up. It was my fault for expecting him to respond like a boyfriend. It's such an easy cheap and asshole way out. If I don't apply then you can't blame me for not holding up my end of the deal because I never made it in the first place.
We got into a couple fights and I tried so hard to stay calm and to talk things thoroughly. But Coleston just refused to address any of the issues. I'm not addressing these because you are making things up. You think its a problem but it isn't a problem. And he would just brush me off. It was making me so upset. I literally said 'You did this and it made me sad, can you please not do it anymore? I asked him three times once. All he had to do was say 'Okay'. But no he didn't he just said it wasn't his fault, I should have tried harder etc etc. I couldn't comprehend what was so hard. It's because he's a narcissist. He can't admit to doing something wrong, doesn't want to talk about it and has a problem with his ego. It was so hard trying to talk to him because it was just so much gaslightling and deflecting the blame back to me and manipulating me. It was only a couple months but honestly I started feeling so bad and confused and unsure of myself. He had a way of wording things that made me doubt myself. That made me genuinely feel like the bad guy. You're the reason I started drinking so much, again. You make problems up in your head and when I don't acknowledge them, you get mad. Your expectations of me are what ruin things. But I don't think my expectations were too high at all! I just wanted to be treated with some respect and acknowledged. And to this day he had a problem doing that. I tried explaining things to him countless different ways and he just would ignore me. Blamed my mental health and the closest thing to an apology was said He was sorry he wasn't in a better position to help my mental health. That's gaslighting right?
The last time I talked to him was right after Valentine's Day. The couple weeks before I had asked him Can we do something on Valentine's Day? I specifically worded it as 'Can we' and not Will you or What are you. I worded it that way as an option. I just wanted to know if we'd be spending it together. If yes, then Yay! So happy. If no, then okay I won't get my hopes up. And he said 'He'd try'. I told him I would be super happy if he even just made me dinner. Nothing big or presents. I would just love if you made me dinner, you haven't in so long. And he said okay.
I really don't know what happened, we got into a little bicker the day before v-day. And then on Sunday, after I had spent the night baking, and made him a little present and basically waxed every inch of my body, he texted me at noon to say he didn't want to hang out and just wanted to spend the rest of the day alone.
Yeah..... I was pretty upset. I just looked at all the stuff I had done and gotten ready for him and I cried. Why couldn't he do something so little for me? Why was it so hard? I tried my best not to get mad at him and in the evening he wished me Happy Valentine's Day, anyways. The next morning I replied that as his friend I hoped he was feeling better, but as his lover I was pretty hurt and wouldn't be talking to him for a long time. He told me sorry, and he wanted to make it up to me.
But he never did.
The next time I talked to him he told me I was just a girl he sometimes fucked.
I think that is the line that slapped me out of it. I mean besides from all his inability to see how much I care for him. That line really just reiterated my worst fear. When we first got back together I had told him I didn't want to feel that way. And he just flat out, unabashidly said it. I was just a girl he sometimes fucked.
So after the 2+ years we spent together, learning and laughing and having sex and going on dates and trips and trying to work things out, really meant nothing. In the end, that's still all I was to him. A hole he could fuck.
I told him to take lots of care <3
And he responded I will now that a selfish girl I cared for is out of my life and I finally have nice people who give instead of take to focus on.
He really never remembers a single thing I did for him? His birthday presents and dinners, his Christmas presents, how I'd pay attention to what his favourite foods were, or things he was missing or said he wanted. How I let him do anything to me in bed, how I held his hand and snugged in bed or the couch. I really wasn't selfish and don't understand how he sees that.
It makes me sad. It still does. I hope he realizes one day and misses me. But I don't want to go back. Please god, give me strength to leave Coleston behind. I love him but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him. I think he does have a lot of mental problems, and even after that last line he said to me. I still cry and miss him. My mental illness really is a problem. To feel bad for someone who treated me so poorly.
