Sorry. But I'm alive.
It's been over a year since I last spoke to B.
Sometimes I think I'm doing better. And sometimes I think I am going crazy. My thoughts are just so overwhelming. And loud. And stupid. I wish they would go away.
Lately I've been watching a lot of clips and videos of Linkin Park, and Chester Bennington. It made me happy to see such a happy fellow. Always smiling and joking and laughing. Such a happy laugh. But then. I was listening to interviews where he would talk about his battles. The battles he would have with himself. And..... and it resonated with me. A lot. It made me worry a little. Will I end up just like him... He's a little over 40, I think. Originally I would tell myself. Hey, you made it past 30. Your're gonna be fine now, you've lived with it so long, you've got it under control now. But I think for Chester it just built up. It became unbearable, he didn't learn to cope with it as part of life.
It consumed him.
I remember him saying, that he would be fine when he was surrounded by people, when he was with friends, or working or making music. It was when he was alone, where it was bad. Where his thoughts would just overwhelm him and he would go to a bad place. That is what happens to me..... His laughter and happy-go-lucky persona.... sometimes I feel like that is what I reflect. That I try to be that person in public and around other people. But at the end of the day, when lying in bed at night. My overthinking consumes me....
I cannot weigh what is a good thought, what is a bad thought. I cannot decipher between a good person and a bad person. I don't want my illness to define me.... but I don't want people to think it is a walk in the park either. It's hard. I want to be normal, and not have anxiety and go out and meet people and not worry about things. But I do. And I think some of my coworkers think I am being a jerk. And they don't realize or understand how real this illness is. How it truly affects someone.
It's so hard feeling like this. I can't even describe it. I went out after work last Friday with 4 co-workers. Its the first time I've gone out in a majority group of people that I didn't know. I started to feel uncomfortable and got quiet. At the end of the night I just waved and left. And then my co-worker didn't bother to check up on me that I made it home okay, and kind of ignored me today. So then I assumed they thought I was just being stuck up on Friday. But I wasn't. I was just having trouble socializing. It's hard, and so much effort. I feel like if I tried to explain this to them they wouldn't understand. 'What is a lot of effort, C? Talking? Okay, yeah right.' I think he doesn't get the struggle. That he can't grasp what I've said so many times.
I have social anxiety. I don't do well in big groups
Okay, yeah sure whatever. Just try harder, then.
