I feel sad.
What else is new. LAWL.
I haven't told B that I like him. I want to. But I haven't.
I wanted to tell him before he left for Japan. But I didn't want it to be on his mind.... so I didn't.
He forgot to reply back to me again a few days before he left, and it made me really really sad. So I ended up deleting all of our messages.
He did say sorry this time though. But.... today my heart still hurts.
He asked me how to pack for Japan and I told him to have a great trip.
I thought about him a lot and I figured 10 days without hearing from him would maybe give me a head start. It kinda did. I messaged Polish Guy once .... I just wanted someone to chat with.
I wasn't exactly sure what day B got back to town and it turns out he came back the exact same day as Polish Guy's B-day. I only know because he called me and told me to come out for his birthday and that B would be there...... I dunno.... I wanted to see him but I had a feeling seeing him would make me sad.
But I went anyways. I got dressed up and put on a little make up. I brought a b-day present for P and showed up to the restaurant. P gave me a big hug and told me to sit down. B saw me and walked right past to grab his gf's coat. He said Hi and then they both left.
I sat in a corner and felt my heart racing. Almost like I was going to have another panic attack, but not because I wasn't trapped. Of course I was sad. I thought maybe I would have been one of the first people he would have called. Maybe to see if I wanted a ride to the restaurant. But no. Of course I wasn't. I'm just a friend. He called the girl he was seeing first. I wanted to cry and I wanted to go home.
So I gave P his birthday present and said bye.
And that was it.
B actually did message me the next evening. He asked me if I was asleep. I didn't reply. I didn't want to hear what he wanted to say. My heart was too scared and sad. He was either going to tell me how great Japan was and how many girls he hooked up with or he was going to ask me about his costume. The one I asked him twice to see me before he went to Japan about but never did.
I replied back mid day the next day. He didn't say anything and I haven't talked to him since.
I think about him every day. I think about telling him how much my heart hurts to be around him but that being around him is something that made me smile.
It's literally tearing me up.
I started taking sleeping meds again so I don't think so much and cry at night.
It numbs the thoughts and memories and most importantly the pain.
I'm doing Great
