The Science of Forgiveness

https://youtu.be/8o9_TlZyB_Y

I've read articles and quotes about forgiveness so many times.

I know holding a grudge against someone only ruins my life. So why do I hold so much anger towards someone? It's slowly killing me.

I hate feeling sad. I hate how I look. And I hate how I come across to other people.
I want to be happy and I want to smile, and be friendly and likeable.

But.

It's not that easy. It is true. You can't just tell someone to 'Be Happy, Already'. It's not just a switch I can turn on or off.

And it's hard. I feel like Brendan and Tony are getting frustrated or annoyed with me. I feel like they don't understand what goes through my head. That I constantly feel like a failure and that nothing I do is good enough. That I'm not doing this on purpose. That I am trying. That I try really hard to snap out of slumps, but it feels like I'm trying to dig myself out of tar, that keeps pulling me back.

It's so hard.

I want to forgive.

And I want to forget everything that hurts.

And I don't know how.

Even when I try, I still fuck up

I feel sad again.

Brendan tried setting me up with one of his friends. I tried. I tried to do everything that I could.

And he thought I wasn't interested. In fact, I think Brendan said he thought I was a snob.

I don't know what else I was supposed to have done. I texted him first. Twice. He didn't seem interested in me.

What am I doing wrong.

Why do I always fuck up.