shit. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiit.
The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.
Ugh.
So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.
Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.
If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.
Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.
