:(
I can calulate the months its been since I broke up with you. Since our 1 year anniversary. Since the last time I saw you. And since the day I told you to leave me alone.
I can calculate the exact number of days.
I can remember the pain my heart felt when I left your car that night and the heartless text you sent me right after it felt like my heart had been crushed. That is how empty I feel sometimes. It makes me very sad to think about this. That after all this time and I still miss something about you. Something that I can't understand what it is, or why. Something that I am having so much trouble replacing.
I can barely talk about you without getting mad or crying. And I don't understand why! Why you are having this much of an effect on me when you meant nothing to me. Did nothing for me. Almost everything I do, I think of you. So many things remind me of you and how I would pick up my phone and text you right away.
Never let one person be the source of your happiness.
I know that, and yet I let it happen. I wonder constantly what you are doing, and if you think about me. I should know by now the answer is obviously no otherwise something would have happened already. I keep calling you selfish because that is the only way I can justify everything and make me feel better. To make you the bad person. I keep saying I want every thing to come back to you ten-fold, keep hoping that your world will collapse underneath you, keep hoping that one day you will realize what a shit-hole you dug yourself into.
But maybe.
None of that will happen. I keep wishing such negative things would happen that I've turned into an extremely negative person. My friends have started telling me how negative I've gotten and how I constantly focus on the bad things that can happen. Even when I try doing some positive mind exercises, they end up coming out negative. I blame myself for not trying hard enough and that my answers are quite pathetic. And I don't know how this has happened. How I had turned from such a happy smiling girl to a heartbroken jaded nag. Friends and even a work mate I barely talk to told me I was pretty negative. And I knew they were right. Whenever I call or text someone to complain they try to get me to look on the bright side of things, but I just see the past and how things could have been fixed and I wouldnt have had to bad, and then I would get so worked up about it. Or even worse, I call my parents for advice, sobbing because I am so upset. And they only thing they tell me in a nonchalant voice is. Don't worry. You will figure it out. And I constantly feel like I am being brushed off
I just feel very empty a lot of the time. Like I've wandered far far away from my old path and aren't sure what I should be doing or where I need to be, or who I should be with. I hurt lots still. So much. And I've gotten so negative. I can actually feel and hear how negative I've gotten. To the point where sometimes people try to help me and I end up turning their help into negative thoughts. I want to blame him for doing this to me, but I'm sure part of it was me. Wanting something he couldn't give me and needing someone to blame when I should have backed down when I knew it wasn't right. I'm so negative, and yet.... sometimes I think I have too much faith in people. I believe everyone will do the right thing, but the don't always. And I feel sad when that happens. I wish I could just disappear a lot of the times. If I had no condo and no studio I would just cash in my accounts and disappear. And I think I would be very content.
I would be happy if I could be someone else.
