....if I only had One Wish I wonder what I would wish for......
Sometimes I wish I had died 5 years ago. When I was the most depressed. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. So....I wouldn't have to put up with the things a Chinese Girl is expected to do. So I wouldn't be so inclined to gossip all the time. So I wasn't so weak and useless. Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I am now. I always pretend to be so happy and so cool and distant and uncaring and neutral....but. I'm not that happy, and I dont think I'm cool at all and if anything I worry more about people and what they think of me more than anything else in the world. I hate that because I'm so neutral and that I dont like talking about people I always become the middle man who everybody complains to. I hate that I, as a woman, will forever be inclined to gossip and what gossip does to people. Including me.
All it took today was one stupid little text message to ruin my day. Completely ruin it. I was in such a good mood to get lots done at the studio, and on the way there my co-worker sends me one little sentence and I just though, "why. why would you send me that and just ruin my day". We've been having a little bit of a problem with one of the girls at work and her not closing our system properly. She closes on Sunday. I open on Monday. The first time I let it slide. The second time I sent them a private message rather than post it in our journal for others to read. This monday it happened again and I was really really upset. I know she's leaving at the end of the month so I've always just been saying 'let it go. let it go. 2 more weeks' but I was really upset so I wrote it down in the journal and specifically said their names. And today my other co-worker sends me this message saying 'so and so is writing a long note regarding your message to them' And I just got really upset. Even on my fucking day off gossip gets to me. What benefit do I have from knowing this information. If anything its all I'm going to be worrying about is what this note says and that its most likely written to me. I HATE that all we do at work is just talk and talk and gossip. I try my best not to spread it because I know it benefits no one, but I'm working here so often that sometimes I do. And I dont like that I'm doing it. Just one stupid little message ruined my day, and it snowballed into me complaining to my best friend and Dave, and when they tried to cheer me up or give me advice it just made me even more upset because I felt like 1. she's never been in this situation before and 2. he's just saying that to make me feel better. And so, this stupid thing has been worrying me all day today. Fucking ridiculous isnt it? And to top it off, I just got mad at Dave for the stupidest thing because I'm still in a bad mood from worrying about what to expect at work tomorrow.
