The right path....

hey everybody.
I guess I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging again. I was going through the first 2 years of my blogs re-reading all my entries and it makes me laugh at how simple my complaints were. no wonder I didn't have any followers. ha-ha...... well anyways. I've been staying up late a lot these past few weeks trying to get some sewing done. I've got some pieces on consignment at Bamboo Ballroom so hopefully I'll start making stuff on a regular basis now.
....But....speaking about starting to design again. I dunno why, but I'm starting to wonder about whether or not I'm really going to be happy being a fashion designer? I just feel like its such a superficial job now. UGH. how come I can't realize this stuff BEFORE i've spent ten grand on schooling.... After talking to Sarah at work, and reading Survivor, i just feel like I want to spend my life doing something more....helpful something more fulfilling. i've been having these thoughts of taking some massage therapy courses or something.... I'm still using my hands I'll be helping people at the same time. Its not even that this thought suddenly came up, I've thought about it before but it was always on the backburner. If i really did pursue this at least I would be garaunteed a job, and i'm sure the wage would be pretty good. And...and....and i dont know..... uuuuuugh..... the problem is, the problem is what I'm doing right NOW. i'm supposed to be a fashion designer. and i tell everyone i'm a fashion designer, and everyone thinks i am a fashion designer. but I'm having my doubts..... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *sob sob* Its just so stressfull right now. I'm telling everyone that I'm trying to save up money to set up my studio, and i'm designing on the side. but its all so frustrating because I'm having these second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really cut out be a fashion designer. I feel so timid compared to everyone else. And theres that part about me having such a superficial job for ther est of my life. If i wanna start looking into massage therapy I need to do it now. I dont want to spend years setting up a studio and designing and then realize again, this isn't what i want to do. and then have to go back to school again..... uuuuuuuuuuuuugh i'm so so so confused......

is pretty sure.......

I dont really know how to explain this feeling that I have.... but i'm pretty pretty *pretty* sure that i'm gonna die in at most a couple years. I'm all done school (for now) and I'm just not feeling happy with life. its super mundane, and everything is driving me crazy. Trying to get some weight off my chest, but whoever i tell, i feel like doesn't take me seriously. I'm pretty sure I should see a psychiatrist, but I haven't. 10+ years of knowing that and trying to tell someone that I need their help, their support and nadda. I dunno if I'm just that damn unlucky that no one I knows thinks I have a problem or if their just naive. Does no one believe that their sister, their friend, their daughter could have depression? That more and more often she wonders what the hell shes doing still alive? Why bother fighter sometimes i wonder. I look around me and i seriouisly wonder why the hell would anybody want to live in this world. Humans are killing it and we're killing ourselves. Why stick around and be a part of the problem.
I'm kinda getting a headache right now but I want to get some thoughts out. If you were so SO unfulfilled with life the only thing you looked forward to was death that would be kind of a goal...rather release....it would be your release, the one positive thing you looked forward to in life. And if you were depressed and just wanted to die, imagine how it would feel if people were telling you *no no dont do it dont die think of everybody you'll leave behind, think of all the pain you'll cause.* has it ever occured to anyone to think about that depressed persons pain? The pain of having to live every day because someone else told them to? denying them the one thing in life that had meaning? I dunno, its bad but thats the way i've been looking at things lately.
I talk, smile, laugh, play, work. but in the end i feel like it doesn't matter. at one or more points of time during the day i'll ponder the meaning of life. The second we're born, the only thing that we can be sure of is. you'll die. Thats the outcome of everyone. no ifs, ands or buts. and if that was the case. whats the point?
I'm just really tired of people not understanding how lost i am and how awful Im feeling. I've always said i dont know if its better knowing so much and worrying all the time, or being happy and completely oblivious of the pain and misery around you? I'm pretty sure I would chose the former 9 out of 10 times. just seeing how materialistic society is. geting getting getting. buying buying buying. all for what? I sit at home sometimes wondering when i'll die, and i'll look over and see a pile of dishes, a mountain of bottles, bags of garbage sitting there for me to do. really makes me wanna keep on living hey? i just feel so stressed out, because i want to solve everything. and if i cant solve it, then i wont try. I want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to be equal. I'm always the middleman. but theres no such thing as equality. so the middleman is always screwed. Rather than having no problems but my own, now i have everyone elses, and i'm trying to solve theirs before mine. I'm not a messenger anymore, i want to scream. I'm so negative now. both my brothers talk to each other through me. I'm just so tired of being messenger. figuring out what each other wants, doing all the accomodating for them and figuring out all the planning so the only thing they get is black or white. I clean up the grey. I wish with all my might that my family wasnt so fickle. that someone could just say yes. no. yes. no. no more *i dont care, it doesn't matter* because actually. it does matter. it matters a lot. if i learned how to say yes and no instead of maybe, then i wouldn't be living a maybe life. and i could decide. do it. dont do it.