Wow. so its been at least a year since i last wrote a blog i see.... sorry blog, didn't mean to forget about you. thought about you lots but just never got around to writing. Well. A lots happened since I've last wrote an entry. Last may i started seeing someone. Which i guess would explain the lack of updating my life, since i started having an actual someone to tell it to rather than keeping it all to myself..... Probably the best and worst year of my life..... having said that we broke up a month after our one year. Needless to say i was pretty devastated. Just.... wrong time i guess. A year earlier or a year later and things just mighta worked out.... maybe.
But. If any one should know theres only one real reason why i used to write in this blog. Get things off my chest. To no one. Give an image to whats really bothering me. So another new thing thats happened in the past year is I've just recieved my diploma in fashion design. I really enjoy doing it and I dont plan on going to school anymore because i'm content with doing this as a career. Problem. Its required that we finish 180hours worth of unpaid work experience before we get our diploma. I originally wanted to do half at a small independant company, and half with a large scale company. I already did half of it with a local designer here in edmonton and I have to say what she does now feels like exactly what i want to do. Have a small studio to myself where i can just design and sew, design and sew. However. right after i *finished* this half practicum the director of my program informed me that i wasn't allowed to do *half*. I was kinda pissed off because i had alreayd gone over this with her MONTHS ago. and how she failed to realize and tell me before then i do not know. Anyways. at that time I told her i still wanted to go do a practicum with a big company (in New York). So while she went to look for someone to accept me I started to *work* at a seamstress/alteration store. I tried it out for 4 days but. It went really bad. The lady owner was SUPER nice, and really really tried to help me, but she was just too busy for me to be of any real help. It took me 6 hours to sew a dress that she could sew in 2. She tried to get me to do some alterations but she just ended up taking out what i did and re doing it. I just thanked her for her time and said that it felt like i was being more a burden than a help. She invited me to come in any time to watch/learn which was really nice. So... that was just last week middle of October. The director got a hold of me few days ago to tell me she got a connection for me in NY and the next step is to contact her and try and set it up. I dont know why but.... i dont want to go to NY anymore. Months ago i thought i would give anything to go back. I loved it when i went with the university and i've always said i've wanted to go back. But.... i just can't stop worrying about it. I'm low on cash and my original plan when i was intent on going to NY was that I'd be working full time throughout September till I left in January to make sufficient funds. And that I wanted to see what it would be like to work for a big company. I JUST started working a few days ago because I was unable to land a retail job like I wanted to. My parents have said they'd pay for any living expenses if I couldn't make enough so i was like okay. sure. But after i worked those few days at the tailor's I hated it. I just couldn't pick up sewing other peoples designs and their specific short cuts. I felt like I had to ask how to sew everything. After that I started to worry about going to NY and if that was what I was going to have to do. Only this one is going to last at least a month. And... unless they offer me a job as an illustrator I dont actually see myself staying in NY. So... is it worth it for me to go now? Jess tells me its worth the experience which I agree to an extent. But.... what if i've already decided that I want to open my own studio and just start selling small amounts like bridget. Maybe i'm just being scared and not willing to look at other paths but.... I'm starting to think that this trip to NY might not be worth it. I'm not making enough money right now to pay for it. And its kinda rude to get another job right now KNOWING that I'll be leaving in January. And then. When I do come back. I'm going to have to start all over again saving up money to rent a studio, and buy all my supplies. The seamstress suggested that i get started as soon as possible and to borrow money from my parents if I really had to. I just....i keep on thinking and wondering whether or not my decision to go to NY is the right one or not? I've wanted to go so bad but right now it just seems like its something i should put off because I don't see myself gaining anything from it. Just this week I've gotten so depressed over it because I feel the path is blurring. It just seems to be set in my mind now that this trip to NY is setting me back more than anything. uuuuuuuugh. I know i know, if i dont want to go anymore then why dont i just not go? I was the one that called up the director asking her to try and get me an internship in NY and she found this contact for me. I sent in my portfoio and resume and now it just seems like I'd get in so much shit if i told her i didn't want to go anymore. Ugh i get so stressed out when i think about it because it just seems to landslide. If i go to NY now i'm going to have to put off getting my studio set up at least till May? MAYBE. If I dont go to NY and just finish my practicum here I can work on the side and everything might start coming together by january..... i just.... i just dont want to waste anymore time i guess. I'm in a real slump right now worrying about this. Not really eatting well. And the fact that I couldn't keep that seamstress job bummed me out. Now i'm back at kyoto. waitressing. Not even at Downtown. I had to go over to southside cuz DT was over staffed. Its only been one day but i feel so sad. I know the people there, but its just not as friendly as DT. It used to take me 7 minutes to walk to work. Now i have to pay for a bus pass to take the bus to work. And when i get off work at 10pm it takes me at least 45 mintues to take the bus back DT and then transfer to another bus which drops me off in front of dowtown kyoto, where i proceed to walk that 7 minute walk home........ I'm just so sad right now. so so very sad.....
