some please help me. i'm at a point where i'm completely lost and i have no idea where to go or what to do. more than anything i need direction to set be back on the path that i've wandered from.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Aaaaah, i haven't been this happy in a long time. Kehkeh-keh. I received a scholarship today! aaaaah i'm really happy, hahaha i read the letter like 6 times already. I completely forgot about it, and even when i was opening the letter I wasn't expecting it. It was addressed from the board of education or soemthing, and i thought that it was just going to say that I was eligible to graduate or something. But i opened it and read the letter and there was a 1000$ cheque inside. Aaaaah you guys have no idea how that made me feel. Hahaha not because of the money but because it made me feel pretty smart. Yeaaaah i know $1000 scholarship isn't very much compared to what other people get but it made me pretty happy. Because I worked really hard last year, and i honestly think i earned it. Last year was the first year where i was registered in 2 full course load semesters, AND working at the same time. Kept me busy, and i really earned it. At first i didn't really think a 3.4 GPA was very high, i always hear ppl get higher.... but when i think about it.... it's pretty damn good. Its really a confidence booster and makes me feel smart (something that i haven't felt in a long time) Hahahah- aaaaaah on cloud 9 here. yaaaaay!

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don't really know what to write about today. But its been awhile. yaaap. I went over to Tara's today for secretsanta part-ay. Hahahah there was so much junk food. aaaaawesome. Anyums, just wanna drop a few lines. I'm doing okay, but at the same time not really. I'm not crying or anything anymore so thats all good. But I find that i'm talking to myself alot more.... and it sounds like I'm talking to a second person now.....it's kinda scarying me, but like i say things aloud like *fuck off* or *leave me alone* or *get the hell outta here*. When i'm just sitting at home by myself . I didn't think it was anything before, but i do it A LOT right now. like several times an hour if i'm by msyelf. And even sometimes when felix is here, and he gives me weird looks. freaaaaaak I need some help. le SIGH. Isnt it ironic how the one that people worry the least about is the one that needs the most help? I just hide my problems so well that they all rack up. and here's my faggity brother, probably just being a stubborn little cunt having people worry the shit outta themselves for him. aaaaah sucks.

But aside from THAT i think i'm doin okay. yup yup. i stopped taking sleeping meds and all that fun stuff. Aaaaand I stopped stalking him. hahah because literally I was. I still think about him a lot but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Its all good. but Yaaah what can i do. He's not even a very nice guy, i don't even know why i like him so much. He's pretty selfcentered, all he thinks about is getting laid, he's snobby, he doesn't care about others, he's kinda gross, hes actually kinda scary looking, he contradicts himself, hes a JERK hahah um...what else? he dresses kinda weird too.... hahah i'm not gonna list the things that i still like about him cuz i've done that before and its gotten me no where...but OH HEY!! i seen BARLEY today! hahaha i went to SSKyoto to pick up some sushi and right when i got inside, he came in too.. hahah ROCK ON! aaaaaah okay i think this is getting a decent length now. I'm gonna go and read soe of my previous happier posts and then read some other peoples blogs cuz i'm nosy like that.