only got it for you, you know....

So i deactived my facebook account today. Its been bringing me down. Facebook really isn't for me, espcially considering how i'm one of those people who can turn into an obsessive stalker. Which is what happened. Stupid guy. *go get facebook, go get facebook, go get facebook* he says. I go and get facebook. And then what does he do? stops talking to me. Yeah it got pretty bad. I would start reading everything that he would do, and look at all his pictures, and when he would reply to other people and not me, it started making me depressed. And i would see msgs from his friends talking about how he would make out with random girls at clubs. It made me cry. Like i said, i thought he was different. Pretty bad. And pretty stupid considering that hes nothing to me nor am i anything to him...so why should he care about me.... right? *sigh* hurts so much. Why did he even try to start anything if he wasn't serious. i FUCKIN HATE that.... I think maybe i've been working too many back to back 12 hour shifts too, which made it seem that much worse. So 4 days ago right after i got off work i forbid myself from going on facebook. And i actually went cold turkey. 4 days straight of not going to stalk him. And today i went to deactivate my account, and no surprise but no one msged me at all. Its just a sign right......
*siiigh* You remind me of craig all over again, only this time i actually know that your still alive, and talking to everyone but me.....

4:11 AM. Monday August 27.

Lets count and see how many days till the next time i start crying again.
I need help, and i need it bad. Its hurting really bad right now because i feel like everyone is underestimating my problems. I feel like no one is taking me serious. I've said this before, and i'll pray for it this time maybe. I wish that one day soon, something bad will happen to me. I'll hurt myself so bad that people will finally realize that i'm 'not' okay. And finally someone will take me seriously.

things just never change.

I dunno what i was thinking when i thought that maybe you were different. But i guess i shoulda saw it coming. Lets face it. You're not. You're just like every other guy i've ever known. I always imagined that i'd be able to have some deep conversations w/ you because i thought you were that kinda person. I thought that finally i had found someone who would listen to the things i had to say, the things that i've never been able to tell anyone. But i was wrong. It was stupid of me to put that faith in you because really....you are no different. Your like everyone else. You judge me and you think you know everything about me just by a first meeting. I thought.... i thought in china, after 2 months maybe you woulda seen that. I thought you knew the type of person that i was and you were okay with that. When you wanted 2 see me again when i came back i was excited because i thought you were okay with me. But i was wrong. You did exactly the same thing that every other guys done. You based me on my looks, and when you found out that i wasn't exactly normal, you put up your wall and ignored me. It hurts. it really does. Its the thing that pains me the most when i fall for someone, and have that someone suddenly have a change of heart. Its happened too many times to me. You figured that i should be used to it by now. You make me so angry sometimes, and yet I still find myself thinking of you. I dont know why, and i really wish i could forget you. You say your different, but i find myself not believing you. I tell you that i need help...and you tell me that i dont need help. i tell you i'm in troulbe and that i'm not normal. and you tell me that i'm normal. YOU DONT FUCKING TELL SOMEONE THAT. normal is NOT crying yourself to sleep at night. normal is NOT cutting your wrists so that the pain takes your mind of crying. You say you've been there before SO HELP ME. dont ignore me like nothings the matter with me. Theres so many obvious signs that i put out, and no-one ever clues in on them. I really thought that i had finally found someone who i could finally open up to. You're such a fucking hypocrite. Everything you say and do contradicts everything. You say your tired from working, but you go out and party every night. You say you used to be suicidal, i dont see any sign of that. You say you've never slept with a girl you never knew before, and yet you go out and make out with random girls just because. FUCK, everytime i think of you it makes me upset. I dont know what the hell happened within this month. I wish you didn't kiss me in beijing, because obviously you didn't mean it. i KNEW that me and you were too different to ever be friends, so WHY didn't i listen? why did you have to go and do it... Supposidly we have a lot in common but you never notice that, you never try to find out.
Why.... why do guys i like always do this to me....